Head & Heart in a Battle

Hi Everyone,

New to this site, but would really be appreciative of opinions and help!

I have been with my partner for almost 11 years, sadly, not married, as he has never asked me "that" question! He is divorced but there are no children involved.

My partner works, seven days a work, most of the time. When I see him, he is always on his iPad with his headphones on, watching films. He will not speak to me, does not pay me any attention whatsoever, and, we have not been "intimate" for the past seven years! This is partly as a result of my ill health and body consciousness, but also as a result of me finding "details" that he has been on various websites asking for sex/massages and he admitted, when confronted, that he had driven somewhere to meet a woman for sex, but "he says" he didn't go through with it! My partner is 49 and I am 45!

In 2011, I nearly lost my life. I suffered a form of mini stroke, and was left without the use of anything. I could not walk, talk, eat or do anything for myself. I spent three months in hospital, and a further three months in a Neurological Rehabilitation Unit. One day, while in the latter, my partner promised me that he would come and see me. He didn't arrive, and phoned to say he had to work late. Later on, and after recovering, (my Consultant says through sheer guts and determination), I found out that my partner went to see someone for sex! He doesn't know I know, and I have since discovered emails and messages on a website called "Horny Slags" and how he wants women to take photos of him, and basically, most of them are seeking sex!

In 2017, I lost my wonderful Dad. My partner was with myself and the other two members of the family, when dad died. I was, and still am, devastated. I asked my partner to drive me home that night, and he told me he had no room in his van, so I had to drive myself home, crying my eyes out. He was meant to follow me home, but he "disappeared" en route!!!!!

My partner had four holidays last year, all without me, as I am terrified of flying. We went to Greece, about eight years ago, but that is it! He booked a villa, so we could go back to Greece, but as I was so ill with anxiety and panic attacks, I could not go. He went without me! Now, once again, he is away, on a break with his male Cousin, and I am left, feeling lost and lonely, in a flat where I live, where I don't feel safe, and where the panic attacks and anxiety are heightened!

Basically, the above is really just the tip of the iceberg. I am not well, I have a skin condition, low self esteem, low confidence, all of which has been exacerbated by the way my partner is making me feel. I have limited friends, have, literally been through hell and back, and now I am having to deal with "this" situation with "him"!!!!! I have now developed severe anxiety, too, which is so debilitating and prevents me from being able to live my life and I feel guilty about all of this, as I feel as though all of the above is somehow my fault. People who have known me for years would describe me as a lovely person, with a heart of gold, and I am not "unattractive"! I always put everyone else first, am a strict vegetarian and cry, even if an animal is being hurt on a TV programme. I am lonely in this relationship but I am, if it is at all possible, going to feel lonelier if I end it. My head is saying one thing, but my heart is saying something completely different.

Thanks for listening/reading and I would really welcome some advice, genuine & helpful advice only, please.

1. you are not happy. And shouldn't you be happy in a relationship? A relationship isn't supposed to make you happy, its to enhance or add to your life not make it. 2. You are afraid of the unknown- which is understandable. Its scary to let what you have go for what you might have. But if you knew you were going to be a million times happier, would you end the relationship? 3. I think you lost your identity and lost who you are. No where did I read that you do things you like. I read nothing about what you do, any hobbies, I only read what you don't have instead of what you do have. If you have few friends, have you done anything to change it? 5. Your esteem is in the toilet. It happens but know its not in there forever.

What you two have is comfortable and if you are happy with that, then its okay. If you are not happy about it, then you have the power to change it. If you need guidance, then perhaps you can look into getting help from a counselor specializing in couples. And from there you can take steps that will help you in a positive direction. If you don't like something and you have the power to change it, then why not change it? Everything you need to solve your problems is within you. No one else is going to do it for you. Your BF is comfortable and isn't going to change anything so its up to you. Question is, are you going to do it.