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Thread: Advice is needed :(

  1. #1

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    Advice is needed :(

    Iíve been with my partner for nearly 8 years and up until a year ago we were very happy. Last year one of his friends made a joke about me cheating on him and from this point onwards our relationship has spiralled. Accusations have become part of everyday life. Iíd just like to explain a little about my partner, he can become obsessive about things, but up until this point it had only ever been with regards to topics that interested him, if something was of interest (cars, fitness etc) he would research and absorb a significant amount of information and it was always something I admired about him - his ability to learn new things and to take in and remember a vast amount of information.

    In the beginning, the arguments and accusations were intense, almost everyday, several times a day. I found myself at a loss as to how Iíd ended up in this situation after always being faithful and it resulted in me not eating and sleeping. Up until this point Iíd never spoken to anyone about my relationship as Iíd always preferred to keep things private and my partner is the same, however, after not eating and sleeping or functioning properly, I found myself confiding in 2 people about my situation, partly because I was just so confused as to why my entire world was falling apart around me. I regretted this decision and decided not to say anything else to them afterwards, however, when my partner asked if Iíd told anyone about what was going on I lied and said I hadnít - I know this was wrong, but our relationship was so close to ending over something Iíve never done, that I prioritised trying to prove my innocence over telling the truth, because I feared something else might end the relationship altogether.

    After some time, we both agreed to try and move forward, to communicate better and reassure each other but itís been very up and down. Often, attempts at communication end up in huge arguments with someone threatening to walk out. Now, Iím not perfect and I have caused and contributed to a lot of these arguments because I do not deal with the accusations very well - I usually get quite angry, frustrated, hurt and upset and this can result in me shouting, however afterwards I realise that maybe he just feels a little insecure and just needed some reassurance, but the argument has already happened.

    The accusations have become less over the year and my partner is working on dealing with his emotions and thought processes and I have been trying to work on being more understanding and reassuring. This is because when we have managed to have real conversations, insecurities on both sides have been revealed and also other issues with our relationship regarding communication and intimacy. I can see that my partner is really struggling mentally at times and I feel helpless as I canít prove a negative.

    Over the past couple of months Iíve made some mistakes that have caused more trust issues. A few weeks ago, i was feeling low and extremely paranoid (I basically thought my partner had set up cameras to Ďspyí on me) and it resulted in me saying something questionable to get a reaction out of my partner, to see if this is something he had actually done - I instantly regretted this and we kind of worked through it.

    However, a few days ago he asked me again if Iíd ever spoken to anyone about our issues and I finally admitted to him that I had. He is very hurt by this and is hurt that Iíve lied to him for a year. Iíve owned upto my mistake, I know I was wrong not to tell him. Iíve attempted to explain my reasoning- not to justify it or to make it ok, just so he could see what mind set I was in. However, Iíve betrayed his trust and now heís not sure if he can trust me again and heís starting to question if Iíve cheated on him again.

    These arguments have raised quite a few issues in our relationship and we are really struggling to move forward and for him to trust me, any advice at all would be welcomed, I love him so much and I am so scared of losing him.

  2. #2
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    This is a massively dysfunctional and toxic relationship and I can't understand why you stay in it. First, he is accusing you constantly of being unfaithful with absolutely no evidence and you think the problem is that you decided to speak to someone about this ridiculously abusive situation? So ideally he can just emotionally manipulate you endlessly and you are supposed to "take accusations well" and go along with it and keep your mouth shut? I don't understand why you are staying and why you think this is worthwhile. I think you need to find a really good therapist and work on your self worth, your ideas about what a partnership is, what love is and what you actually want out of life. This relationship cannot be saved. Get rid of him and work on yourself.

  3. #3
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    Sorry, double post.

  4. #4
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    YOU are the injured party here, not him. He was making false accusations and causing you a great deal of misery. You had every right to tell a friend and ask for advice.

    He may think he can't 'trust' you again, but you're the one who can't trust HIM not to accuse you unjustly.

    I think an ultimatum should be coming. Tell him that you can't stay in a relationship with someone who badgers you about being unfaithful when you have never done anything to warrant it. And you might want to tell him that if it happens again, you don't see yourself staying in this relationship.

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  6. #5
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    This guy sounds like a complete nut. This is crazy! Has he had therapy, because he seriously needs it?

    Did he set up cameras? What did the people say that you had confided in?

    He is unstable and you are in a highly dysfunctional relationship. Get out! You have done nothing wrong! He is abusive!!!!

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by arjumand
    This is a massively dysfunctional and toxic relationship and I can't understand why you stay in it. First, he is accusing you constantly of being unfaithful with absolutely no evidence and you think the problem is that you decided to speak to someone about this ridiculously abusive situation? So ideally he can just emotionally manipulate you endlessly and you are supposed to "take accusations well" and go along with it and keep your mouth shut? I don't understand why you are staying and why you think this is worthwhile. I think you need to find a really good therapist and work on your self worth, your ideas about what a partnership is, what love is and what you actually want out of life. This relationship cannot be saved. Get rid of him and work on yourself.
    Totally agree! Get this guy out of your life! You also need therapy to understand why you would tolerate any of this! This relationship is sick.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 05-05-2019 at 04:08 PM.

  8. #7
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    The fact that he actually believed his friend over what you told him about not cheating is very disturbing, especially since you told him it isn't true and there is no concrete evidence. OK, so the thoughtless "friend" made a joke so I can understand that he planted a seed in your partner's mind. That was a really stupid thing to do. However, your partner is in the wrong as well. Apparently, he doesn't trust you and that is a red flag. You are now walking on egg shells as a result, among other things (not eating and sleeping).

    I also think that "friend" should apolgise to both of you for starting that stupid rumour.

    Eight years is long time to be with someone so, before making a rash decision, I would suggest couples therapy. I feel so terrible that you were falsely accused. Perhaps therapy might steer you and your partner to have a healthier relationship. That's just my opinion.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Wait what?

    Did you cheat on him? If not he has zero room to say anything. Either he trusts you or he doesn't.

    It sounds like he has you questioning your own honesty and integrity. So what if you asked for help from others? He obviously wasn't open to talking about what is going on in his head.

    With someone like this you cannot win, you cannot reason with them and you certainly cannot change them so if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life with him learn to accept it and walk on egg shells forever OR see this for what it really is, a guy controlling you, not trusting you and making you so miserable it is affecting your health *mental and physical)

    Being alone is way better than living like this don't you think?

    Lost


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