Can't wrap my head around it

hello there,

i'm a 40 year old guy, still in a first relationship for 20 years now. I really love my wife, but for years we are two different persons when it comes to libido. I have a lot of it, she has none. To make a very long story short, we both know the problem for years but didn't really had a solution. Few years back my wife came to me she didn't wanted to loose me over this, and she said she was okay with the idea me looking for a friend with benefits. You have to know my two best friends are female, very attractive and single. My wife even did propose to one of them to share me each half week. We laughed a bit, but the my two friends don't want to loose me as a friend, so this is leading to nowhere.

So I started a search on Tinder. Seems i'm VERY picky (i already knew my whole life) but this picky ...

After swiping for months, I met a girl who was in the exact position. She realised she wanted to leave her partner in few years because of the children, but now just wanted sex. She never had another guy during this relationship, but now she couldn't bear it anymore. Even just talking without picture (we both have a job position where we need to be discrete) we had this 'click' from the first minutes we talked. It felt very strange ...

One week after we met online, we first met in a forrest. Both being kind of conservative people, we got out of the car, walked for 100 meters, started to walk hand in hand and started kissing. This really was not normal. After 4 minutes we were lying behind the trees having the best sex we ever EVER had.

Not only online, but also in real life we felt this good. Since she stated she wanted to be in her relation for the next years, i didn't told her how i felt, but i was madly in love. Because i didn't wanted to be a thread for her, i told her i didn't wanted to leave my wife. Suddenly she said we were looking for someting different, and from intense contact (+100 messages a day, seeing each other 3 to 4 days a week) we went to nothing. She was suddenly very angry at me, and kept saying we both wanted other things. After few days contact came up again, and within few messages, we both were again on the horse. This happened 3 times in 9 months ... Seems we cannot miss each other, and we both were insanely in love with each other ... The moment she told me she was in love with me, she also told she was over me to start a relation with me. At this point I would've done it immediatly, starting a relationship with her, but fer her this idea was over (and i never knew about it).

Few weeks ago drama at my house. My wife told me she can't cope anymore i'm having a girl friend. Things got worse, and the word 'divorce' was said. I told my girlfriend, and she was suddenly so so happy. We did lovely things together, but a week later she told me she actually decided to stay with her partner for the kids, nothing more nothing less. She even told me to start looking for another girl because she cannot give me what i want. I love her sinceraly, and i know she loves me too. How is it possible to love someone and tell that person to look for someone else? I really can't wrap my head around it. For me everything is fine, if she wants me as a buddy or a partner, i take it. But she keeps saying to look for someone else. This really really hurts, cause i know she loves me, and i sure know within a few weeks she had it again with her partner ...

Very difficult to want someone, knowing it would be great, but can't go further because she's acting strange.

You knew this from the beginning.

Time to let this go to find someone who is available. But, wait until you are over this one, as it is not fair to treat someone as a rebound. And focus on your divorce.

Well I understand all this is a messy situation but unfortunately if your girlfriend doesn't want to commit to you, then you can't really force her. It's her decision and she will have to decide who she chooses, her husband or you. I know it hurts but you know what they say, "If you love someone, set them free". Regarding your wife though, if your sex life with her was gone then sorry to say but the relationship was probably dying too. Sex is the first thing to disappear when the relationship is not working (unless there are other psychological or medical reasons). So regardless it's probably time to part with your wife. Let her find someone more compatible with her and her sex drive than you.

It may be best to worry about and prepare for divorce. Someone you had sex with a few times is not in love with you. You mat also want to reflect on why all the women in your life are telling you to go have sex elsewhere.

My wife told me she can't cope anymore i'm having a girl friend.But she keeps saying to look for someone else. This really really hurts, cause i know she loves me, and

You knew this from the beginning.

 

Time to let this go to find someone who is available. But, wait until you are over this one, as it is not fair to treat someone as a rebound. And focus on your divorce.

I honestly think leaving my wife is inevitable. We had such a great life, we have it all, but the lack of libido on her side started to way on mine. Without the sex you kind of live like brother and sister, and this is very difficult for me. In the beginning we had sex, very nice sex, but later on she told me she was pushing herself to like it. She just has no sex-drive, and this is a pitty.

On the other hand, my girlfriend is great. Beside the few moments we had our 'fights' about something we both were thinking the other one was wanting something else, we are great together. I know ... it's an affair. She actually wanted me to say 'do you want to be my partner' and i was thinking she absolutely didn't wanted to hear this thinking of her plan to leave her partner in couple of years.

Few weeks ago, when i told my girlfriend about my marriage problem, she told me she would leave her partner for sure the start of 2020. She couldnt live with the idea of not having sex and affection. And now she has changed her mind. She did this a lot since we know each other, changing her mind. She is higly intelligent, and this is one of the side effects i guess :-)

So here are we now. Drama at home, and a girlfriend who changed her mind. And I want best for everybody, but following my wifes idea of not having sex anymore (or onces in 1 month and a half) ... this i won't survive. And besides this, loving the girl I really would love to build up something with but she changing her mind.

It's a ed up situation.

Eeeehr, 'all the women in your life are telling you to go have sex elsewhere' ... this is out of the context i'm afraid.