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Thread: What should I do with someone I love who disrespected me?

  1. #91
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    You will still be his FWB. Nothing has changed.

  2. #92
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Oceane, you're selling yourself short. Unfortunately, I can relate. You have gotten so many good advice here, I hope you re read them and it makes sense to you at some point.

    As I said, I can relate, so I'll give it a shot. I will try to write as I'm giving my old self advice.
    You deserve a lot more than the men that you choose to stay in your life. You haven't done anything wrong other than sell yourself short in fear of losing them. You rely your happiness in breadcrumbs. Look into fear of abandonment.

    Why are you choosing to stick with men who disrespect you? You're constantly putting yourself second.

    What hit me harder was the married man story, been there, done that, I'm not gonna talk about ethics, sit happens. He was single and married in between? Meaning you stayed with him while he was falling in love and marrying someone else AND up until he got a divorce? Did I understand correctly? If so, please stop looking at what kind of people they are and look into how you are treating yourself. You seem to be satisfied with small actions of interest yet you crave for something more.

    I want to tell you something and please repeat it to yourself. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU DESERVE MORE. You deserve the happy ending, you deserve great dates, you deserve second and third and forth dates with or without sex. You deserve a guy who will say "I can't believe you exist" and mean it and show it. You deserve romantic vacations, you deserve cuddling for hours, you deserve a guy who will listen to your problems and be there for you. You deserve all this, but you won't have it until you realise your worth. You won't have it until you start setting boundaries because you know your worth and appreciate your time and who you spend it with.

    The only way I've started to get out of this is through therapy. BEST. DECISION. EVER. It's been 1,5 years and ive made so much progress in every aspect of my life and I'm much happier. Sure, I'm still making mistakes and I'll never be perfect, no one is. No one can promise you that you won't ever be in a bad relationship again, even if you do all the work, but i can promise you that if you seek help, you will start getting into better relationships and especially the most important one in your life, the relationship with you.

  3. #93
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    As to your idea of seeing things in positive light, I respect that, I do, but your bar is really low and I'm guessing your low self confidence is in work here.

    I recently tried to see a guy's actions strictly in positive light because I thought I was being too negative. Result was to basically ignore all the red flags that actually came back to bite me. There's a thin line between looking at things in a positive way and making excuses just to hang on to that undoubtedly lovely feeling of being in love.

    Edit to add: I think the solution to this is to know what you want and ask for it when it comes to you. Set boundaries. If you follow what YOU need, you can never go wrong. But making excuses is basically giving control to the other person. Transforming yourself into someone they want you to be just so you can cling on to the illusion of being in love for 5 more minutes.

  4. #94
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    She chooses these people because they will never truly be in her life. She has terribly low self esteem and is emotionally unavailable.

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  6. #95
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    Oceane, you're selling yourself short. Unfortunately, I can relate. You have gotten so many good advice here, I hope you re read them and it makes sense to you at some point.

    As I said, I can relate, so I'll give it a shot. I will try to write as I'm giving my old self advice.
    You deserve a lot more than the men that you choose to stay in your life. You haven't done anything wrong other than sell yourself short in fear of losing them. You rely your happiness in breadcrumbs. Look into fear of abandonment.

    Why are you choosing to stick with men who disrespect you? You're constantly putting yourself second.

    What hit me harder was the married man story, been there, done that, I'm not gonna talk about ethics, sit happens. He was single and married in between? Meaning you stayed with him while he was falling in love and marrying someone else AND up until he got a divorce? Did I understand correctly? If so, please stop looking at what kind of people they are and look into how you are treating yourself. You seem to be satisfied with small actions of interest yet you crave for something more.

    I want to tell you something and please repeat it to yourself. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU DESERVE MORE. You deserve the happy ending, you deserve great dates, you deserve second and third and forth dates with or without sex. You deserve a guy who will say "I can't believe you exist" and mean it and show it. You deserve romantic vacations, you deserve cuddling for hours, you deserve a guy who will listen to your problems and be there for you. You deserve all this, but you won't have it until you realise your worth. You won't have it until you start setting boundaries because you know your worth and appreciate your time and who you spend it with.

    The only way I've started to get out of this is through therapy. BEST. DECISION. EVER. It's been 1,5 years and ive made so much progress in every aspect of my life and I'm much happier. Sure, I'm still making mistakes and I'll never be perfect, no one is. No one can promise you that you won't ever be in a bad relationship again, even if you do all the work, but i can promise you that if you seek help, you will start getting into better relationships and especially the most important one in your life, the relationship with you.
    Thanks for your great advice! You are definitely right about setting boundaries, but how can I set boundaries in a situation like this?

    - We live so far away, it's impossible to have a normal relationship evolution (or not)
    - I like the guy a lot & would love to find a way to turn this into something positive
    - We have been texting to each other for months every day despite living on different continents
    - When I stopped texting & a answering he got crazy, & when I got back to him explaining that I wanted to end this because it was too complicated he was upset & said it was hurtful. So there is an interest from his side as well
    - Today we have spent too little time with each other to know whether this could lead to something positive or not. Also, he hasn't done anything mean to me, the only disappointment was when he stood me up when I came to the USA but this happened only once. You may judge him for this one negative thing he has done, but in my opinion it takes more red flags to end something in a definitive way
    - I have strong feelings for him but how can I tell him without putting pressure & Making him run away? I don't think that if I tell him he'll suddenly fall in love with me so it's just better not to tell & let things grow naturally. But where should the boundary be & how long should I wait in a situation like this?

    I am scared that by putting pressure right now & giving an ultimatum, I may lose a guy I like a lot. But I am also scared that by doing nothing & just waiting this won't go anywhere either : every day he may meet somebody else, & one day he may just tell me "I'm sorry but I found somebody else". I will waste a lot of time for nothing then, just as it happened with the married man.

    About the married man : I actually met him a few weeks before his marriage, meaning that the marriage was already organized when we started dating. When I found this out, he was already married & I had already feelings for him, he also told me a story about how complicated his marriage was & how much I meant to him. He also revealed that he had Asperger (which I'm not sure if it was true or not and maybe he was just a psychopath). Anyway, I can understand that somebody may not be comfortable with leaving his wife when just married, but what hurt me most was that actually when he divorced he didn't think a second about me - despite telling me for years how much I meant to him - & he just started a relationship with a different girl instead & since he is with her he has totally forgotten me, he doesn't even try to sleep with me anymore (he always said he had the best sex in his life with me).

    Just to let you know that I'm not a masochist & I don't like impossible relationships ,I want you to know that I've been in love with the married man for 2 years, but once I saw (when he started dating this new girl after his divorce) that he actually didn't have feelings for me & he lied, I stopped having feelings for him quite fast despite the disappointment.

    About my dating life, I told you here about the guy I currently like & about a few other painful "relationships" I had, i told you about the ones that affected me most with the guys I had the strongest feelings actually.
    However, I had PLENTY of other relationships in the past 6 years, NONE of them went well mainly because the guys were interested in nothing else but sleeping with me or doing FWB. So it's not like I haven't tried to meet people, I met a lot of different guys from different countries, & the outcome was always the same : nothing worked. We usually don't even get to a relationship status because either they disappear right after sex, or they tell me they won't be serious or again it's long distance stuff with people telling me clearly they don't want to get involved & they don't want to come to see me.

  7. #96
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    She chooses these people because they will never truly be in her life. She has terribly low self esteem and is emotionally unavailable.
    Why do you say this?
    About unavailability : I love being with someone but I'm also happy alone, I'm not needy. I prefer to be with someone I really like than alone however. But I prefer to be alone rather than being with someone I don't have a special interest for.

    From age 17 to 24, I had 3 serious relationships. I met these guys one right after the other, & every time I met a guy it ended up to be a serious thing naturally.

    - My first boyfriend ever was a long distance relationship. I was living in Italy at that time & he was in the UK where I went on a summer school for a couple of weeks during my regular school break . I met him in London on the street & we dated for 2 weeks (no sex). The night before I left to go back to italy, he gave me 2 gold rings & told me he loved me. We kept in touch through Skype for a year without seeing each other ; then next summer I went back to the UK for my summer break & we started dating officially. He invited me to move to his room right away, then we also lived with his family for some months. He has done all this without knowing me well, very quickly : he gave me rings, introduced to his family, asked to move to live with him. We didn't even have sex because it was my first boyfriend, we waited more than 1 year to get physical. This went on for 2 years long distance with me flying from Italy to the UK several times a year. We also got married in the mosque in London. One day the London guy broke up with me because he had some issues with his family. At that time I was living with him & his sister at his sister's house; his sister was depressed & also got pregnant & they just didn't want me around anymore in that situation. They are an Asian family so they have some strong traditions in which they live all together, & the brother has to be faithful to his elder sister. One day my husband & his family just told me to leave the house & go back to Italy. He also told me he was divorcing me & he had to marry his cousin, somebody from his country (which wasn't true because he is still single today & also trying to get back with me by the way) . All this was extremely painful because I loved this guy like crazy, he was my first guy & also his family was like my family (which made me disappointed when one day they just decided to kick me out) ;
    - A few months after my first boyfriend broke up with me, I was really depressed. I met another guy who showed signs of interest in Italy . He was really handsome & also a good guy. I wasn't ready to start a new relationship because I was still thinking about my ex boyfriend but I also knew I had to move on & I decided to give this new guy a chance. A few weeks after we met, he introduced me to his parents & told me he loved me. 3/4 months later he also asked to marry me (which I declined because we were very young, I was only 19). I never loved this guy because during the 2 years with him I never overcame the pain from my first relationship. We were also different people. However, I spent a good time with the Italian guy, we were happy & having a lot of fun. After 2 years the relationship became naturally a friendship also because I moved to France for a year for a student exchange. We would still keep in touch & care about each like a brother & sister despite the distance & lack of pasional love, we were always there for each other;
    - So here it comes : my 3rd & last serious relationship ever . A French guy I met in Paris during my student exchange. This time I was again in love. We had sex fast, after which he was leaving for holidays for 2 months to America. During these 2 months, we kept in touch every day by text , when he came back he brought me a bag of gifts from the USA & asked me to move to live with him at his house. My student exchange was coming to an end soon, & I decided to move to Paris permanently to be with him. With the time he became somehow more distant & less caring, I became kind of paranoid thinking that he may not be in love anymore & he may be cheating on me. I was still frustrated & suffering from my first relationship in London with my first boyfriend ever & this certainly had an impact on my relationship with this French guy. We were fighting a lot but I loved him, one day I didn't know what to do to make him understand I was suffering because of him getting distant & I asked an advice to a friend. She told me : "if with all your talks he still doesn't understand that you suffer from his behavior, then it means that your communication is not effective & you should do something stronger to make him undertsand :shout, break up stuff in his flat, throw plates & glasses on his head". Which I did. That day I kinda devastaded his flat, we had a physical fight, the police came.
    After this he obviously didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, he just wanted me out of his life (still today when I try to text him for his birthday or christmas wishes, he instantly blockes my number). I realized how stupid & paranoid I was, I also realized all was my mistake & told him how much I was sorry, then tried to prove him in every possible way that I was trally sorry & that I was going to change. I tried to get back with him for like 2 years (he was just running away from me & blocking me everywhere). I suffered a lot because I lost a great guy I loved basically because of my fears and heartbreaks from the past.

    Since then, all the sh**** "relationships" started to came up. I literally had DOZENS of them. Here's a sum up of all the kinds of guys I "dated" for the past 6 years, without ever getting to have a normal relationship at all:

    - Married men or men in a relationship who either lied or were truly unhappy in their current relationship, but didn't want to break up /divorce anyway ;

    - One night sex with people who disappeared the following day & ghosted while also lying, telling they may be wanting something more than just sex, etc. In the end this was never true, they never tried to have more ;

    - People who wanted to have a kind of long term FWB with me, explaining this will never turn in anything more (I tried to "date" some of those guys for several months to see if time made them change if they knew me better, 6 months later they were still saying they didn't want to have a relationship with me, despite me being really nice with them, caring about them, I also invited some of them on holiday where I paid everything) ;

    - Dates with long distance classmates (so people I knew well from school & who were friends) who pushed me to try to date just to have sex, but once we had sex they actually said distance made it complicated to have more ;

    - Last year I had an actual relationship with a Jewish person who actually told me he loved me, we were together for 2-3 months. However, we decided to end it up because one day he told me that our relationship won't be possible in the long run - as I'm not Jewish myself, his family will never accept me, & he also said he wants to marry a Jewish girl in his life.

    It has been like that for 6 years now. Every time I meet someone I like, it doesn't work & in the end I'm always alone.
    Last edited by Oceane1990; 05-13-2019 at 11:12 PM.

  8. #97
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    Thank you for encouraging me & telling me that this good caring person will come into my life.
    I believed it too, truly. 6 years later I'm still here waiting for this person, despite dozens & dozens of dates of any kind :(

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