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Hi everyone.

 

So I have been dating this guy for about a month now; he is so sweet and affectionate and I'm beginning to fall for him.

 

He recently loved to London 6 weeks ago and within those 6 weeks has found 2 jobs within 2 weeks and started them. However he hasn't been paid his first pay check yet and is living with a friend for the time being. I paid for the first date even though he insisted I didnt and wanted to reschedule (I'm not a traditional girl in the sense of I dont mind paying for the first date).

 

Yesterday, he told me that he'd had a phone call from his ex girlfriend who he broke up with 7 months ago, with her asking him to lend her money to help her with her sick dog (hers and her familys, not his). He politely said no and told her that it was none of his business.

 

She has now written on social media accusing him of stealing from her, taking drugs and scamming women.

I cannot believe that he could do these things as his personality has been so good and he has been so kind and loving to me.

 

But i cant get this fear out of my head, I want to trust him and hes told me the truth of everything so far. He just insists his ex is trying to get revenge for dumping him and that hes sorry I've been dragged into this. Hes exceptionally hard working as hes proven with getting two jobs and is extremely proactive.

 

I've been hurt in the past and I'm medicated for anxiety due to this. But i dont want to throw away something with potential due to someone spreading rumours.

 

Any advice would be great please, thank you!

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Have you done a background check on him?

How did you meet him?

You've only been dating him a month. I would consider this the first red flag because whether she is telling the truth or not, she is still very much a part of his life. Why hasn't he blocked and deleted her so that she can't contact him for money or anything else?

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Have you done a background check on him?

How did you meet him?

You've only been dating him a month. I would consider this the first red flag because whether she is telling the truth or not, she is still very much a part of his life. Why hasn't he blocked and deleted her so that she can't contact him for money or anything else?

 

He had deleted her number but she contacted him.

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He had deleted her number but she contacted him.

Why did he bother responding? He should have just ignored her.

Why does he know what she's doing on social media? Is he still a part of all of that?

 

Do a background check. See if anything comes up. I know where I live nothing much would show due to our privacy laws but its worth you trying to see if anything nefarious shows up.

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I really do feel like giving him the benefit of the doubt. There have been no red flags so far and I cant just take the word of an ex on this.

 

Well then you have answered your own thread. Just don't ignore your own gut for the sake of being with someone. It seems rather over the top for someone to go to the trouble of defaming someone like that just because they wouldn't lend them money so for me, it's kind of a hard pill to swallow.

 

Do you know what his dating history actually is? How long did he date her and why did they break up?

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Well then you have answered your own thread. Just don't ignore your own gut for the sake of being with someone. It seems rather over the top for someone to go to the trouble of defaming someone like that just because they wouldn't lend them money so for me, it's kind of a hard pill to swallow.

 

Do you know what his dating history actually is? How long did he date her and why did they break up?

 

I'm wary, of course I am. But up until now theres been no red flags and so far they are the best dates I have ever been on, and never connected to anyone the way I have with him.

 

He was with this girl for 2 and a half years and they broke up 7 months ago.

 

I dont believe in judging someone on their past, I certainly wouldn't want someone judging me on mine.

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I'm wary, of course I am. But up until now theres been no red flags and so far they are the best dates I have ever been on, and never connected to anyone the way I have with him.

 

He was with this girl for 2 and a half years and they broke up 7 months ago.

 

I dont believe in judging someone on their past, I certainly wouldn't want someone judging me on mine.

Its not about "judging them on their past" but rather keeping YOUR best interests in mind. You have only dated him a month and you don't even know him yet. Most scammers are very good at being "the best" during the honeymoon period.

 

My final advice: keep your heart off your sleeve, your eyes open and make sure words and actions match.

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I find it odd that he mentioned his ex after only dating you for one month. With that in mind, as well as taking into account how you barely know him, it's way too soon to judge his true character, (imo).

 

Either way I would tone it down, and lower my expectations at this point.

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You say he has been upfront about everything so far.

But you don’t know him well enough to know if what he has been upfront about is truth or not.

 

The red flag for me is that he went out on a date with you before his first pay cheque! And money was tight?

So he moved to a new city without buffer funds?

 

How did you meet him?

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I would never date someone who had a revengeful ex that is still in the picture, knowing who I am and slamming me personally. It's not good timing IMO for him to be dating someone because of that and the fact he is financially unstable So he's nice, but has he done anything to stop the harassment? If he is not shutting her down, blocking her from social media, etc. Then maybe take a step back before investing your feelings. Oh and keep your hand on your wallet...DO NOT keep paying or lend him money. You don't know too much about this guy.

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I'm wary, of course I am. But up until now theres been no red flags and so far they are the best dates I have ever been on, and never connected to anyone the way I have with him.

 

He was with this girl for 2 and a half years and they broke up 7 months ago.

 

I dont believe in judging someone on their past, I certainly wouldn't want someone judging me on mine.

 

butterfile, you said he has no reason to lie.

 

My response to that is -- that you know of.

 

You have only known him one month for heaven's sake, of course he's on his best behaviour!

 

What you do know is that he claims he has two jobs but had no money to pay for your date, so you paid. Jobs he has apparently had for six weeks or close to.

 

Does this sound legit to you? That he had NO money? It sure doesn't to me.

 

You also know about a very disgruntled ex, disgruntled enough to post some very questionable and nasty things on social media. A woman who dated him for 2.5 years.

 

Sure she could have made it up, but imo doubtful. Not on social media for all to read and where she could easily get called out if untrue. She could even be accused of defamation which is against the law.

 

In my experience, where there is a very unhappy and disgruntled ex posting viciousness on social media, somewhere there is a guy who has provoked her revenge and viciousness.

 

Again, you have only known him one month, reality is you have NO idea what his true agenda is..

 

All this spells red flag to me, and the fact he chooses to remain involved w his ex, such that she calls him for money? Or so he claims?

 

After only a month in, I would dump him on that alone!

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Too early to tell. Rather than getting ahead of yourself see what happens in the next few weeks. Obviously the first few things about him were ok for you to entertain dating him. That's your choice and if you're sure about it, stop worrying so much over nothing.

 

Personally, he's not my cup of tea. Dating someone who has "just moved" to a new town is never a good idea. He's already struck out in my books. In my mind, someone needs time to adjust and settle into a new life. Rushing into anything with anyone while they're getting settled and haven't even received their first pay cheques is just asking for trouble and I don't have the patience to deal with scenarios like that. Been there, done that, wrote the book. Oh and the ex-gf thing is just a hairy footnote. I wouldn't have stuck around to hear it.

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This is not adding up. He had no money at all to pay for even himself - unless you insisted on attending the theater etc. he’s not able fo pay rent. And somehow his ex thinks he has enough $ to lend her $? And he told you ? He told you I thInk because he knew what she’d post. Is he claiming she’s now mentally unstable ?

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You have known him for a month, that is it. Why doesn't he have any money if he has been working for six weeks? How many dates have you been on? The thing with the ex is bizarre.

 

If you have a history of picking bad partners, then you should be more careful. There are some red flags with this guy.

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No. Trust needs to be earned. After one date, simply observe things. Especially keep things on a level playing field. For example let him pay for the next date, and do not do in home dates until you know his living situation. It's easy, watch for inconsistencies and don't let superficial charm/hormones make decisions for you.

I'm asking if I should give him the benefit of the doubt considering how kind and lovely he is to me.

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I'm just curious to know how you know that the ex was writing stuff about him on social media? Have you been stalking her social media? I think that really the way you should proceed depends on the situation itself. If for example this guy has deleted his ex's number and deleted her from all social media, then he's making an effort to fully cut her off. If you stalked her social media and she's writing stuff about this guy on HER social media, then that's not actually his fault. She could be a vengeful ex because he ended the relationship. It is possible to not have money after six weeks of working if you only get paid once a month and/or you had lots of bills to pay. I'd say give him a second chance but keep an eye on all this and don't pay for dates anymore unless he's paying for some dates too.

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At the one month mark this is too much redflags and mess. Even if he's telling the truth given that it's only been 1 month, I'd keep away from the mess. There's not enough emotional investment and attachment in 1 month to willingly go through problematic exes and financial problems.

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