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Thread: How/when do I end it?

  1. #1

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    How/when do I end it?

    I've been dating my bf for almost three years now, and been having doubts for some time. I've always just pushed them aside but recently they've intensified and I know that it's unfair on both of us to keep the relationship going. There is nothing specific that has happened or changed in the relationship, but it's been more of a gradual realisation that although I care about him a lot, he's not someone I want to spend my life with and I constantly picture the traits I wish that he had. The issue is that I know he feels completely differently - he is unaware of my doubts and does think that we will be together forever, so I know that breaking up is going to be a huge blow to him and not something he is expecting at all.
    The other problem is that he is about to sit his finals at university. I don't want to end it before his exams becuase I don't want to jeapordise his performance, but should I just act as normal for the next month until they are over? I haven't spoken to anyone about the fact that I want to end it with him, as my friends and family all think we are a perfect couple, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it and then still be with him for a month, as when they see us together they may act like something is up.
    I also just don't know how to actually go about breaking up with him - I've only ever been on the recieving end of break ups before which has been s*** and I care about him so much that I want to do as much as possible to hurt him as little as I can, but I really can't see how I can do that!

  2. #2
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Ya relationships can just run their course and don't need to end because of issues. If it will make you feel better, then wait. Maybe talk to someone in your family for some support, and help you through the steps that need to be taken to breakup. Someone close to you that has experience in this sort of thing, and who knows you best, is the way to go.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    If you can wait for his finals to be over, imo it would be a kind thing to do. How come he is unaware of your doubts? Have you never expressed your concerns regarding his straits that bother you?

  4. #4
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd wait until after the exams but if you think you're going to make a bigger mess (ie finding fault, nitpicking, being intolerable, angry, rude or impatient with him) then end it sooner rather than later. If things are just stagnant, dull and uninteresting and have a carried on this way for awhile and you have the opportunity to limit your contact with him, I'd be more thoughtful of the exams period and wait until they are over.

    You might want to use this time to think carefully about what's so bad about his traits now or what he's lacking that's so desirable otherwise. Another suggestion is also asking yourself whether YOU have fallen short in terms of how you see YOURSELF. I'm being a bit sly here. The point blank question I'm referring to is: Are you transparent yourself and authentic in the relationship? Have you avoided difficult conversations in the relationship just to avoid conflict? Have you communicated your ideas and your thoughts CLEARLY to your partner? Is there any way for you both to grow together instead of simply discarding the relationship? Those are just food for thought.

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  6. #5
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    I also would wait until after his finals.

    Relationships don't necessarily need a traumatizing event or bad behaviour to end. Sometimes they really do just naturally lose steam, especially when we're on the younger side and still figuring out who we are. It will hurt him, but if you know you don't see a future, it's the best choice for both of you, in the end.

    I am curious why there is such a disconnect between you two, though. It's a bit concerning that you two have such different perspectives of the relationship and he has no idea you are doubting things to this degree. It might be worth reflecting on the lack of honest communication so this sort of thing doesn't happen again in the future.

  7. #6
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    Yes MissCanuck makes a good point. If things were going wrong why not communictae or did you simply think it not worth trying when you first had these feelings of apathy. I would wait till after his finals if they are close by.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening, but it's good you have insight into the incompatibilities. There is no 'good time' to break up but there are better rather than worse ways to breakup. Be clean, sincere and avoid "staying friends" or being patronizing. Simply voice your incompatibilities and leave it at that. Then block all social media and stay no contact.

    Learning how to communicate with friends, family and in relationships in a more sincere, honest way is something you should learn through some short term therapy before you find yourself living in your own fake lonely world.
    Originally Posted by est123
    I've been dating my bf for almost three years now, and been having doubts for some time.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with others, wait until final exams are over. Then when the stress of exams are finished, choose a quiet time to break up. Choose a quiet time and place without background noise, TV, people, distractions and racket. Tell him honestly regarding how you feel. Of course, anytime there's a break up whether with relationships, friendships or with relatives (family), people will ALWAYS take it personally no matter what. It's to be expected. Just break it to him gently and humbly. Don't drag out your explanations either otherwise you'll only make it worse for him. Try not to hurt him even though it's inevitable that he will feel hurt because we all do whenever someone breaks up with us which is unavoidable. Be gentle and kind. For now, allow him to stay focused and concentrate on studying for his final exams.

    There is no easy way to break up because it's painful to be on the receiving end of the break up and you won't feel good initiating the break up either. Get it over and done with so both of you can move on.

  10. #9
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    Yeah, if you can't communicate your concerns it's better to break up. He deserves more.


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