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Thread: Day 3 No Contact - Help!

  1. #1
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    Day 3 No Contact - Help!

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Some of it has been rocky (especially the last 3 months). The last 3 months, it has been like a moving target. He needed less texting during work for his stress levels. He never got to process his divorce. He decided I was texting someone else (I wasn’t....we were going on a trip, I had some work emergencies arise, and I was trying to “shield” him from that, which may have indeed looked like me putting down the phone whenever he approached). I found a GPS tracker on my car a few days later. After that, he agreed to go to therapy to work through his issues surrounding his divorce, insecurities arising from it, etc. We started doing things we enjoyed again, and I thought things were going better. Last week, he jumped on the tiniest issue and said we needed to call it off. We were back and forth some, and finally I asked to see him in person. We had a good conversation, but then he said he doesn’t think he can do stepkids, (my kids are 15 & 17 and like him very much) and he also doesn’t think his son (22) will ever accept me. His son graduates college next week, and I find the timing of all this interesting. After all the unrest of the past few weeks, I told him I felt like we hadn’t been “all in” in quite some time. He said he can’t be “all in” right now, that maybe he can sometime in the future. I left, and didn’t contact him. The next day, he sent me a text saying he had found some clarity and wanted to talk to me, which I responded to after some time and told him I felt like we needed to stick with our agreement. The next day, I felt bad (one of the “targets” was we talk about my life and not his, so I felt like I had done that again by not allowing him to talk to me) and we texted for a long time. I felt him slowing down his responses, so I sent him a last text, telling him I was proud of his efforts in therapy and I hoped he continued, but that I felt like we needed to cut the communication off. After a day, he contacted me again with the following: “I know I’m breaking our agreement. I wanted you to know I’m missing you and I’m continuing to read and see (my therapist). I hope you are doing ok. I just wanted to let you know those things. I don’t expect a reply.”
    I never replied to this one, as it’s clearly a breadcrumb. Now it has been another 24 hours with nothing. When does it get easier?? And what is everyone’s perspective on this situation? I have alternated between feeling like I have a lot of growth to do, and being in deep despair. I have worked out a lot, read a lot, stepped up my yoga practice, but most of the time I can barely eat, I’ve hiked into the mountains and sobbed under a tree, I can’t tolerate being in public at all. I just need perspective.
    We have an age difference (I’m 38, he’s 57) and I think that is playing into is as well. He feels this extreme pressure to “get it right” because he feels he is losing his “value”. Also, his ex wife of 27 years basically made him think she was only with him for the lifestyle he provided, and I think that has done a huge number on him. He has this need to “be sure”, but life isn’t sure. Not with me, not with anyone. I catch myself constantly checking his Instagram profile (he still has our pic on it). I know it’s going to be devastating if he changes it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm going by some cues in your write up such as him jumping on the tiniest issue and calling it off, the issues with the kids, the age difference, his low sense of self (low self-esteem), his issues surrounding vulnerabilities or feeling victimized in some way/taken advantaged of by his previous wife and so on. Those are all signs that a person is not ready to date or welcome someone NEW into their life fully. It doesn't really matter about the piece of paper. My husband wasn't fully divorced yet from his first wife when we met. You should be very sure that this man is ready and he is NOT ready. I definitely do not like telling someone this because it's really between two people but I've got to tell it to you straight without beating around the bush or making wide generalizations either. In THIS case, he is not ready. Eyes wide open here and call a spade a spade. Don't be afraid. The only person you're going to fool is yourself.

    Wanting solitude is natural when we're in pain. I once had the strangest desire to visit a cemetary where I spent hours and hours and hours doing photography. I also kayaked tons and didn't come home for days and camped. We all handle intense pain differently. You don't need to hide that or think that there's something wrong with you for wanting a private moment to cry under a tree in the solitude of the mountains. What you should be checking though is your nutrition levels and remaining hydrated. I hope you are drinking a lot of water whether you want to or not. Grab a large 1-2L water bottle and refill it everywhere you go. Keep drinking even around the house. I'm glad you're into yoga too. I would delete him off your social media when you're ready. It is not healthy to have him there to check up on. I think your kids deserve their mum happy and motivated again (I'm assuming you're female but you may not be - no difference anyway to the above). Would you ever betray your kids' trust the way that he has your confidence? No. So pick yourself up and learn from your mistakes. There are better men out there. Trust me, I found one of them.

  3. #3
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    Thank you for the response. He keeps saying he never got to process this huge life change unencumbered. I can’t imagine it, but i terrorize myself with the thought that he has found someone else and that’s his excuse. That fear probably made me react badly when he first asked for space after starting therapy.

    He didn’t have the ability to be alone for most of the relationship, and would get really down at night when we weren’t together. The sudden need for space was a complete 180, so I reacted by clinging or getting upset. I have a hard time believing he has turned into a person who CHOSE to be alone now.

    Just last week, he was meeting with a travel agent to talk about a trip for us.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's too hot/cold and inconsistent. For your peace of mind, I wouldn't judge him as a bad person. Just take it with a grain of salt and learn that people are not themselves when they're going through life changes like this. I wouldn't go back to him if he tries to contact you again and pursue a relationship.

    Stop living in fear if he decides to see someone else. Keep reminding yourself that if this is any proper excuse of a relationship he would have shown himself to be a better fit for you and a better partner. That he isn't is clarity enough that your life is far more peaceful without him. You're panicking and having anxiety attacks because of his inconsistency. We react to behaviours like this because we are already programmed to know when situations are dangerous and unhealthy to us.

    This is not a healthy situation at all and neither is the way he's treating you. If you do decide to keep in contact with each other somewhere down the line, know what you're up against and just take things on a case by case scenario. I think he has a lot of personal healing to do. I repeat: this is not a healthy relationship and your high anxiety is a very basic litmus test for what's going on around you. Start paying attention to your gut instincts and your emotions. They will guide you.

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  6. #5
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    A GPS tracker in your car?

    Was he previously cheated on or what was that all about? That's a pretty extreme measure for a previously trustworthy partnership. I would feel completely insulted by the implication behind that if I had done nothing to warrant such an invasive breach of trust and privacy.

    He is either very paranoid, or he's projecting because he wasn't behaving himself when your head was turned. Either way, he is really not on the same page as you at all anymore. It will hurt, but I really think you need to let go of him. Something is up and it's not conducive to a long-term relationship.

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    I was furious when I found the tracker. We had a huge fight over it, because it was completely unwarranted.

    After a few days of no contact, he decided he wanted to be with me. Said he’s 100% sure, that he realized he was miserable without me and doesn’t want to ever feel that way again. Then I receive an anonymous text from a fake number saying he’s been seen with another woman. It’s a little suspicious since it’s anonymous and there were no details and no pictures. It’s all just crazy.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He sounds like a toxic man. He is at the epicenter of all the craziness. You are doing the right things taking care of yourself. Focus on you and your kids and leave this paranoid control freak in the past.
    Originally Posted by sos1981
    I was furious when I found the tracker. Then I receive an anonymous text from a fake number saying he’s been seen with another woman. It’s a little suspicious since it’s anonymous and there were no details and no pictures. It’s all just crazy.

  9. #8
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    No way has a few days of NC changed his issues.

    I would run, but that's just me. He's got a ton of red flags waving at you that he's not ready for a healthy relationship.

    You're just going to drain yourself if you keep going back.

  10. #9
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    After a month of being back together, I find myself being drained like you all said. During no contact, I was totally devastated, but beginning to see flashes of the person who could grow and be stronger. I was dedicated to not being powerless in this “new” relationship we started up, and i find myself again today with no power. We had plans with my son today. Last night, we went to a graduation party for a friend’s son, out to dinner, and back to my house. There was a minor issue, I was awake until 3:00, finally went to the couch and fell asleep. At 5:00 AM, he woke me up and wanted me to come back to bed. I was so exhausted, but did. Then he decided he was going to go home since I was so tired, and couldn’t find his keys. That turned into me getting up, searching for keys with him, and finally telling him to take my car home to get his extra ones. I wake up again at 8:00 and he’s back at my house. I get up and make coffee, then he wants to nap so that he feels like going riding with my son, but he INSISTED I go lie there with him while he sleeps. By this time, I’m wired up and told him for my own mental well-being, I needed to have some quiet time, drink my coffee, and re-group - not lie down trying to be quiet and staring at the ceiling after having already done so most of the night. According to him, I’m being selfish, not willing to do something for him OR my son, so he basically takes his toys and goes back home, making the executive decision that NONE of us are going riding.

    It just doesn’t change. He was used to someone who did everything he wanted to keep the peace. I can’t be that person.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Keep away from this guy.

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