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Thread: Please help.. I feel so pathetic in even typing this

  1. #1
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    Please help.. I feel so pathetic in even typing this

    So this isn't my first break up.

    I've learned a little bit about NC in the past and have seen pretty positive results with it.

    This situation isn't much different but I will give you the cliffnotes version.


    My ex and I split up around Thanksgiving. We have never gone more than a couple days without contacting each other and when I would try to ignore her and go no contact she would get angry and hurt and really ask that we talk and I have always caved.

    We dated for a year. We had a lot of fun together and were best friends. I admit to getting stagnant in the relationship and driving her away by not courting her any longer, getting complacent and not being as emotionally supportive as I should have been. During this time, she experienced the death of her mother and I walked through that with her and this whole first year has been extremely trying for her. Since we broke up she has seen 2 other people. One that ended shortly and i'm pretty sure she's currently involved in a little something right now.

    This causes me so much emotional pain. I'm sure all the advice is to let her go and find a new one but I care for her deeply. I would love to have a chance sometime to work at our relationship and be together for good. Am I being Naive? Is she just getting this out of her system? I have so many questions.

    I have gone no contact now for almost 10 days. She hasn't reached out and nor have I. We play on the same softball team tomorrow and it is our playoff's. My plan is to just play it really cool and not really engage much of a conversation with her. Just like a "hey, how are you?" really impersonal greeting and try to not let my emotions get the best of me. I love her with all my heart and have taken a lot of necessary steps to change to be more of the man she fell in love with.

    Is this no contact too late??

    Do I need to process this loss and never look back?

    When I picture my future I picture her in it forever. Someone give me some positive advice and tell me it'll all work itself out... Please! lol

  2. #2
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    What has she told you recently regarding getting back together? Has she said recently that she wants to?

  3. #3
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    If you truly love her and you believe she is still connected with you in that kind of way, then I think you should ask her to meet for coffee or a drink. It sounds like she may still be hanging on in some sort of way as well, but you didn't really express how you think she feels since the breakup. Only the small contact you have had. Ask to meet up, and if she agrees then tell her how you feel. Don't just tell her how you feel, but tell her what you said in this post (ie. that you realized that you were getting stagnant, and no longer courting her. And that since then you have thought long and hard about the both of you. Tell her how you realized these things and you are ready to be in a relationship with her 100%.) Don't be afraid to show your true emotions. Tell her how much pain you are in and how badly you wish to have your best friend back.

    I don't think it's too late. She's obviously been in contact with you and is maybe hoping for this kind of interaction from you. I hope this helps.

  4. #4
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    Have you spoken to her about a reconciliation?

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  6. #5
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    She has said that i'm her best friend and she doesn't know what she is doing but she is not able to commit to me and she is single and needs to make that very clear. She has told me that she loves me but now questions whether she is "in love" with me or not. I neglected her and her feelings to some degree during the relationship in that I wasn't always the most compassionate and loving boyfriend. There is a physical distance (about 45 min) between us and she would usually drive to me and stay on the weekends because she wanted out of her living situation. We have excellent relationships with each other's families. We have many things in common as far as hobbies. She's athletic and active and I am too. I went through a personal slump during the relationship and was working a lot and didn't want to do much on the weekends when she was there. I definitely understand that my behavior deteriorated some of her love for me. But i'm telling you, the way we laugh, get a long, can be competitive, is so special to me. It has to be the same for her.

    Also, during the relationship the poor girl lost her mother. Her parents have been divorced for a while so she was always closer to her mom. Her mom passed from cancer and this all was the first year without her mother being around. We started having real relationship problems around the holidays and she just has never come back fully. She would have one foot in and then pull away and that has been going on for a while. When I would try to go no contact in the past she would always blow me phone up and I would eventually cave in and give her what she wanted (emotional support).

    I don't want to be a sucker, and I don't want to be in a relationship without a future. I just believe it in my core that she is the girl for me. I just don't know if I'm being completely delusional and not willing to let something that's done be done.

    I am legit thinking about her all the time. It makes me so sad and i'm not a sad person. I am terrified to see her tomorrow because I don't want to get hurt anymore.

  7. #6
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    " she is not able to commit to me and she is single and needs to make that very clear. She has told me that she loves me but now questions whether she is "in love" with me or not." This is all you need to focus on. I'm sorry, but this is over. It is time to moc=ve on.

    You need to stay NC. Do not have any contact with her, unless she wants a reconciliation. Also, learn from this. Why did she feel neglected.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Bogey
    She has said that i'm her best friend and she doesn't know what she is doing but she is not able to commit to me and she is single and needs to make that very clear. She has told me that she loves me but now questions whether she is "in love" with me or not. I neglected her and her feelings to some degree during the relationship in that I wasn't always the most compassionate and loving boyfriend. There is a physical distance (about 45 min) between us and she would usually drive to me and stay on the weekends because she wanted out of her living situation. We have excellent relationships with each other's families. We have many things in common as far as hobbies. She's athletic and active and I am too. I went through a personal slump during the relationship and was working a lot and didn't want to do much on the weekends when she was there. I definitely understand that my behavior deteriorated some of her love for me. But i'm telling you, the way we laugh, get a long, can be competitive, is so special to me. It has to be the same for her.

    Also, during the relationship the poor girl lost her mother. Her parents have been divorced for a while so she was always closer to her mom. Her mom passed from cancer and this all was the first year without her mother being around. We started having real relationship problems around the holidays and she just has never come back fully. She would have one foot in and then pull away and that has been going on for a while. When I would try to go no contact in the past she would always blow me phone up and I would eventually cave in and give her what she wanted (emotional support).

    I don't want to be a sucker, and I don't want to be in a relationship without a future. I just believe it in my core that she is the girl for me. I just don't know if I'm being completely delusional and not willing to let something that's done be done.

    I am legit thinking about her all the time. It makes me so sad and i'm not a sad person. I am terrified to see her tomorrow because I don't want to get hurt anymore.
    But she has to believe you're the man for her. And she has said pretty clearly that she doesn't feel that way.

    Insisting on holding on to someone who doesn't want what you want is only hurting yourself. Try to get to acceptance.

  9. #8
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    Just my opinion but, as they say you desire more what you can't have or when it's taken away.

    My perspective: things fell into a rut because you got bored of the relationship. Sorry but you are having delusions of what you have lost. There wasn't enough compatibility, stimuli or spark to hold your interest. So why beat a dead horse. If you get back together you are just going to find yourself back in the same position. See what it is for what it is. Seeing her move on is just making you feel lonely and left out is all. You miss being in a relationship, and not really her.

  10. #9
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    thank you for that...

    And this is something I have considered too. However, I don't know if I believe it completely. Lol.. I'm probably delusional. I think we were very compatible and fit really well together. I trick myself into thinking that it was just because of the distance or because she went through an extremely difficult time with her mother dying and all. I have considered that i'm just lonely and miss the relationship and not necessarily her specifically. We were best friends. We had so much in common.


    We play on the same softball team and we had to see each other today. We probably said 2 sentences to each other all day. I just did my thing she she hers.

    She did call me right after the game though. I did not answer because I want to stay committed to this no contact thing because that is my only chance at healing and/or reconcile with her. I want to call her back so bad.

    what could she be calling for?

  11. #10
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    she feels neglected because I didn't make her feel special. Got super complacent and stopped courting her. I recognize everything that I would do different. I just assume it's probably a little too late.

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