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Thread: I messed up BAD, but I want to fix it.

  1. #1
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    I messed up BAD, but I want to fix it.

    Forewarning you in advance, this may be long. But please bear with me.

    Backstory. My ex and I had been together for 2 years in college. We are best friends. Even after this event we have spoken and told each other that we still love each other so much and that we are still best friends. I am older because I was in the military, and I also suffer from PTSD and their side effects like: aggression, anger, anxiety, sleeplessness, etc. She is 22, and I am 27. We used to live in the same apartment complex. I live alone, and she lived with 3 of her friends from high school. This school year she moved into a house closer to campus with 5 new people she had never met before, so the new distance was a little troubling on our relationship. While I like all of her new roommates/friends, I do not like how she acts around them. They are all great girls, however, their attitudes and actions on a daily basis are what bothers me. Once she become close with them, she developed a new attitude which was not a very nice one. Our once great relationship turned to whenever I opened my mouth, I was met with a disgusting/mean remark back. I used to brush it off, but after months I started to say sligh little remarks back which would start to turn into a fight. Eventually I stopped talking to avoid being brought down by a negative comment, which also started a fight due to me being silent.

    Night of the event. On the night of our event, we had gone out to a bar to watch the Final Four game with her roommates. We got very intoxicated, just as everyone else did. After the game we made our way back to her house. Upon arriving, we realized she grabbed the wrong key to her bedroom and we were locked out. So we were trying to find ways to get into her room, when one of her roommates friends said "try using a bobby pin". Thats when my ex ordered me to go find a bobby pin. (The next part is where it all started. Please do not use your responses to diminish me, but rather focus on what comes after the part I am about to tell you) Now, I didn't mind this, however, being a guy who doesn't use bobby pins, in a house full of women, my next remark is as follows: "I don't know where the bobby pins are, a woman should find the bobby pin." that was it. Immediately the friend that suggested the bobby pins angrily said "that was extremely sexist". which I replied "that was not sexist". my ex then said "no that was sexist and you need to watch what you're saying." I then proceeded to hold my ground stating that it was not sexist, but I wanted to get my point out of WHY it was not sexist, or at least WHY it was NOT MEANT to be sexist. I could not get it out. They would not let me explain my reasoning behind the comment. (My reasoning was, I am a guy in a house full of 6+ women who all know exactly where to find a bobby pin. This is not my house, I do not want to go rummaging through everyone's stuff to find a bobby pin. Therefore, a woman who knows exactly where to find one should be the one to find a bobby pin. It would be fast, quick, and easy.)

    However, I was not able to get that out because I kept getting interrupted. We were already into her room by the point where the next part happened. We were still arguing about my comment. I then had enough due to not being able to voice my reasoning and I proceeded to call her "a dumb ". This is where everything TOOK OFF. She said "I'm done, leave, and take the presents you got me for my birthday with you." then she turned around and wapped me on the head. Being from military background, and drunk, I grabbed her by the wrists and threw her onto the bed. I did this to control her hands from hitting me again, and get separation between us. It was at this point I caused her severe pain, but I was too enraged to care. She started crying and I grabbed her first birthday gift, threw it on the floor and stompted it into a million pieces. It was a very nice makeup mirror. So there was glass everywhere. Then, I took another gift which was a glass jar full of 125 reasons I hand wrote why I love her in it, took all the notes out and threw them on the ground, then threw the glass jar on the ground. Then, I grabbed the book I got her and started to rip out all of the pages. At this point she is crying very hard and holding her wrist. She sat in front of her door so her roommates could not enter the room. He roommates got into the room, and told me to leave, which I very abruptly did. I knew I had messed up extremely bad, and did not want to cause any further damage. I went home and went to bed.

    The next day. I woke up, remembering everything that happened. I read my phone and she had called her dad to come pick her up and bring her to the hospital. Turns out, I used enough force for her wrist to develop a very tiny hairline fracture which is why she was in so much pain. I told her I was extremely sorry, and that it was not my intentions to cause her that kind of bodily damage. She knows I struggle with anger, and this was one of those high intense anger moments that went from 5-150 instantly. She told her roommates and family that I struggle with this and due to them asking what happened and why I did this. She then told me I seriously needed to get help, and thats what everyone wants for me. She also stated that if I hadn't broken everything and just tried to comfort her she probably would have been fine and we would still be together. I want to get help and I have been trying. The VA sucks, and hasn't been able to help very much. I wrote her an apology letter, as well as I wrote her parents an apology letter telling them I was sorry for my actions, and offering to pay any medical bills, and I thanked them for the love they had shown me over the last 2 years. They wrote me back telling me they forgive me and telling me they hope I am able to find help.

    Fast Forward a month (Right now). I have further done research on anger and how to control it, and becoming a better person. We have talked periodically throughout the last month. She saw me briefly last Friday, but only for a few minutes. I tried to give her a note I wrote her, but she wouldn't take it. So I turned around, threw it away, walked to my car and left. She called me a few minutes later crying. Which, of course I started crying. She explained to me that she would like to read the letter someday, but she can't right now because she has a lot going on. Aside from what has happened between us, she grandfather was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, she had Final Exams and projects to study for, she was going to Florida for a wedding the next day, and she is graduating. Which I completely understand. I told her that I miss her and love her so much, and that I just want an opportunity to talk. She explained to me that she misses me too and loves me too, but she just has so much going on. She told me she wakes up in the middle of the night crying, and wants to call me but she won't call me. And she doesn't tell me any of these things because she doesn't want to make me sad. She says she will sit down and talk with me once she is ready, and mentioned possibly getting breakfast together one day.

    Please Help me. Please help, I'm so incredibly sad. I've been reaching out to get help through the VA with my anger, and recently had bloodwork done to check if there is any medical reason why I spike from low anger to raging with the snap of a finger. I have yet to get the results back. I've had a lot of time to think over this past month. There is nothing I want more than to be back together with her. She is the love of my life and we were planning on getting married. We both love each other and miss each other. The problem is the event that occurred. I want to show her that I'm getting help and that I'm going to change, but I know that won't change what happened. We were both highly intoxicated and I feel as if the way she treats me now are due to her new developed attitude from being around her roommates. Can I explain this to her? Will she be able to see that she used to treat me better and I used to not get angry like this with her? If we stopped drinking and avoiding these situations, could we make it work? Please, what can I do, suggest, offer, to help save my relationship with her? I love her so much and I miss the hell out of her. I know she loves me, but would she be able to come back to me after this?

    I know this is really long, and probably choppy for you to read. Please try your best to give me any advice as to how I can change this and get her back. And any advice for how I can change myself, and hopefully advice I could use to offer her for how we can fix things between us and return to our normal selves and relationship. Please, she's my best friend and I really really need her back..

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I would be prone to helping you but your attitude is way off mark. You've emphasized a desperate and almost psychotic desire/obsession to have her in your life which surpasses any rational thought. This is unstable and scary. I do not feel that you're in the right place to make any demands of anyone at this point. What you need to work on is your independence, your self-confidence and find the therapy or help you need to deal with your anger. Everyone gets angry but that type of rage is not normal and the excuse for drinking is no excuse. Stop creating an obsession around getting her back and start realizing that some mistakes cannot be fixed. This relationship is over. Let her go before she calls the police or puts a restraining order on you. You're very lucky she didn't press charges and her parents were not hostile towards you.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I would be prone to helping you but your attitude is way off mark. You've emphasized a desperate and almost psychotic desire/obsession to have her in your life which surpasses any rational thought. This is unstable and scary. I do not feel that you're in the right place to make any demands of anyone at this point. What you need to work on is your independence, your self-confidence and find the therapy or help you need to deal with your anger. Everyone gets angry but that type of rage is not normal and the excuse for drinking is no excuse. Stop creating an obsession around getting her back and start realizing that some mistakes cannot be fixed. This relationship is over. Let her go before she calls the police or puts a restraining order on you. You're very lucky she didn't press charges and her parents were not hostile towards you.
    Rose, I am not making any demands of anyone. I have demanded nothing. I have been seeking the therapy for my anger, and quite frankly, the attitude of your remark is quite off. I am not using drinking as an excuse. I have owned up to everything I have done, and taken action to to get the help I need. Furthermore, I came here to seek further help along with other websites. And if I seem desperate and psychotic, it is because she is my best friend. My want to keep her in my life is because I love her, despite the differences we have had. I was hoping to receive a little more productive and constructive advice here, but apparently I was wrong.

  4. #4
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    Breaking her wrist is not a "difference".

    She could be minimizing because she is fearful.

    Think about that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by hatmessedup
    Rose, I am not making any demands of anyone. I have demanded nothing. I have been seeking the therapy for my anger, and quite frankly, the attitude of your remark is quite off. I am not using drinking as an excuse. I have owned up to everything I have done, and taken action to to get the help I need. Furthermore, I came here to seek further help along with other websites. And if I seem desperate and psychotic, it is because she is my best friend. My want to keep her in my life is because I love her, despite the differences we have had. I was hoping to receive a little more productive and constructive advice here, but apparently I was wrong.
    A best friend is someone whom you care about - enough to let go - because that person's happiness matters too. She is not happy with you at all from her behaviour towards you. Any time you appear in her life you create confusion and chaos around her and she is impacted badly. Let's look at the Fast Forward to Now paragraph. You said you did research on anger but yet you have not grasped how to deal with your anger. Just because she refused to read your note, you turned around and threw it away in front of her. Where? In a parking lot trash can that was conveniently there near your car? On the ground? At her? Why would you do that in front of her except to incite more response? You didn't get the response you wanted and when you didn't, you took it out on the note and threw it (we don't know where but we know she saw it and started crying). What were you hoping to get out of that brief moment of action? You wanted to see her react to you somehow and if you couldn't get the intensity of love or making up or joy, you settled for her intense sadness which in turn evoked your sadness. You haven't worked on controlling your emotions or learning how to create a safe or positive environment with those around you. I understand again that you were emotional. I am not here to make you feel worse and I am sorry that all this is happening to you but you are not powerless and you can change the way you approach life (I believe that). I'm responding to your outbursts because you still are not seeing how your actions are manipulative and uncontrolled. Every time you don't get a reaction you want, you react in a worse manner in order to get some response. A more positive approach would have been to keep the note, let her know it's there if she ever wanted to read it and not to pressure her into a response right away. The point is to reinforce peace, stability and positivity, not fear, antagonism and sadness.

    This isn't how loved ones treat each other. It's not how best friends treat each other. It's not how couples should treat each other. If you're finding it difficult to deal with feelings of rejection and overwhelmed, just know that almost everyone has gone through those emotions too and they are not impossible to overcome. What is NOT ok is continuously revisiting someone and continuing to cause a negative impact consistently on someone's life, just for an outcome that you want. The way I'm reading this is that she hasn't had a moment to really think about what she wants because you're constantly coming at her with what you want. You're still talking about what you want. She's a complete mess and can't even think about you without breaking down into a fit of tears. If I was the parent of this child, I'd be seriously concerned about her and we don't know whether her parents/family/friends know you're both still communicating with each other.

    Keep your distance and remain respectful of her space. I do believe you have it in you to change your life around and turn all this sadness into something positive. Don't pressure her and don't take out your feelings of rejection and sadness on her. Try to focus on getting your own life back on track.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 05-04-2019 at 02:39 AM.

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    ďFast Forward a month (Right now). I have further done research on anger and how to control it, and becoming a better person. We have talked periodically throughout the last month. She saw me briefly last Friday, but only for a few minutes. I tried to give her a note I wrote her, but she wouldn't take it. So I turned around, threw it away, walked to my car and left.Ē

    That was your ONE chance to prove your words that you could gain control over your anger.
    But you failed.
    Obviously one month of self research wasnít enough. You threw that note away (in anger) and by doing so showed her you hadnít changed at all.

    Your words mean nothing when your actions say it all.

    If you believe you love her and want the best for her , then you will leave her.

    Her roommates have nothing to do with your break up.

    As for the bobby pin incident, you could have simply asked if anyone could lend you one. Someone suggested a bobby pin , she asked you to get one, she did not ask you to rummage around the girls rooms , just to get one.

    Your anger seems severe and you canít be dating anyone while trying to manage it.
    It might take a year or more , but if you are serious about getting it under control , you will personally pay for that therapy or seek help from your parents to pay for it.

    Stop blaming everyone around you for something only you can control.

  8. #7
    Sending you a lot of love... I teared up reading your post. It hurts to love someone knowing that they love you back but the circumstances are just such that you guys canít be together in the meantime.

    I think you should try to seek therapy ASAP to help to solve your anger issues. You still have a chance of getting her back I feel, because the relationship was founded on love and she still loves you. If you truly love her, you can go for therapy and show her that you have changed to be a better person just for her and also for yourself and for the relationship. I am sure she will understand and appreciate, and speak to you once again.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Breaking her wrist is not a "difference".

    She could be minimizing because she is fearful.

    Think about that.
    I understand where you are coming from. She did tell me (after knowing her wrist was fractured) that had I just comforted her and asked her what was wrong, and tried to help, that we would still probably be together. It was because I continued to rampage that made her fearful. I know I need to work on calming down. It is okay to get angry, but not okay to get that angry. I should be able to control it and stop myself from getting to something to that extent. It should have stopped at the bobby pin. But I know why she is fearful, and I understand. Thank you for your advice.

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    Rose, thank you for your response. I was quite happy to read your advice.

    I threw the note away in the trash near her car. She was unaware that I threw it away. When she called she told me she would like to read it someday, just not yet. I told her that I threw it away, and she was slightly upset. It seemed though she did not want to read the note, she did eventually did want to read it which I misread from her actions of telling me no. She also thought the note was going to be a long apology letter with a bunch of stuff that would make her sad and cry, but it was not that kind of note. Instead, it was positive. I was simply telling her how proud of her I was that she is graduating, telling her I was getting help, and telling her I hope she has a great time in Florida at her family wedding. But I can see why she thought the letter was going to be different from what it actually was.

    Your part on the reactions, thank you. I did not realize that how I reacted was in a manipulative manner. I should have kept the note and given it to her later on for a more positive way to act. Me throwing it away was me not getting the response I want. And in the future I need to act more mature and controlled. I have grown too comfortable with her, and let her see angry outbursts of emotion when I do not get what I want. Instead I need to act as if I would at the beginning, where if I was upset I would hold it in and remain calm, and speak about an issue if I decided it needed to be talked about, or brush it off after realizing it was not a big deal.

    You're right, this is not how loved ones treat each other. This is not how we used to treat each other. We used to treat each other with respect, and equality. And to get back to that I need to respect her wishes for some space. We both need time to heal. I will work on becoming a better person and hope she does the same. Maybe after some time we will be able to meet up and have a genuine conversation and see what can be done from there.

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    Trust me, I have cried and cried and cried when thinking about everything. The other night I got into my car, and as soon as the music started playing I uncontrollably started to cry.

    I am seeking therapy. The problem is the therapy the VA offers at the local clinic isn't much help at all. I did find out yesterday that there is a PTSD residency therapy that is 28 days long. I am seriously considering this option, and am waiting for something in the mail to receive more information on this program. I truly love her, and I truly want to fix my problem, not only for me, but for her. I have told her that I want to fix it for her and she says that I need to fix it for myself. Which I understand that, but it's not. just about fixing it for me. Yes, fixing my issue is probably 80% for me. The other 20% is for her and for other people around me. If it were all about me it would be selfish, yet I am an individual. It is a collective want for a change for me and for the people around me.

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