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Am I selfish because I'm not gluten free


DerekM

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Yes, really. This has become very serious issue in my relationship with my wife, and I feel my wife has made it an issue with my 14yo daughter. I desparately want other perspectives on how to handle this with her and my family. I am being shamed all the time (often in front of my daughter), being told I am selfish for not putting my family first, and irresponsible to my own health. I feel guilty all the time, sneak food, sneak beer (I love beer), and often avoid friends because my wife doesn't approve of me having a beer. I find it demeaning and, honestly, taking the joy out of my life.

 

But am I selfish? Should I just suck it up and go 1000% gluten free (and diary free btw) to support my 14yo who has also been gluten free for many years. Is this an issue of not putting my family first?

 

Background. My wife does have a serious issue with gluten resulting in calling the ambulance a couple of times. She became rather obsessed with gluten free lifestyle, went to conferences, had a blog for a while, read all the books, etc.. She had barrages of tests to confirm she has intolerance (not celiac) and so does my daughter, and so do I apparently.

 

Yes, I do feel better when I avoid gluten. But it is my choice.

 

I give the analogy of diabetes. What is my wife and daughter had diabetes? Would I be expected to live my life as a diabetic? Of course, I would be mindful of not eating certain foods around them as home, as I do now with gluten, but being expected to go 1000% diabetic would not be reasonable in my view. Or am I wrong?

 

My wife feels that at this difficult age of my daughter's life, I need to be more supportive. Am I a bad parent? Again, its not like I eat gluten and drink beer around them. I'm 100% gluten free at home. But why should I have to hide the fact that I eat/drink other things when away? I feel like I'm cheating!

 

And is it appropriate for my wife to make this a central issue in our family? Bring it up in front of my daughter? Have both of them at me and expecting me to go gluten free? FORCE me?

 

I would appreciate your thoughts and, most importantly, what might be a kind, yet firm, way of dealing with this issue. Or, please be honest, tell me if I'm in the wrong and need to just suck it up and try to change my lifestyle.

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She had barrages of tests to confirm she has intolerance (not celiac) and so does my daughter, and so do I apparently.
Sounds like your wife is full of ****, buddy. Would be really curious to know what exact tests she took. And you mention her "issues" with gluten-- does your daughter have a medical reason to be avoiding it, or is she just doing it for its own sake? Fair enough if it's her choice, but you shouldn't be beholden to it yourself. Or is it something your wife has likewise pushed on her? How did these tests determine you and your daughter have this intolerance as well?

 

Honestly, I wouldn't even hide it. It sounds like it's probably more an issue because you let it be an issue. You hiding it validates your wife's indignation. No one's saying to bust out an unsliced loaf of bread and go to town on it in front of everyone, but you should be able to enjoy foods you like inside your house, never mind outside of it where no one can see you. Seriously. I'd do so with some sensitivity, but I wouldn't just stop eating gluten in my own home. Let her be upset about it. She may scowl and not have sex with you for a little while. So what? Rub one out. I can't imagine discouraging someone I purport to love from foods they enjoy simply for my benefit of not having to know they were actually enjoying something.

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wow, I feel for you. NO, you don't sound like a selfish person at all

 

Your daughter is not a little baby who can't understand that making certain choices have consequences.

 

I have a 14 year old daughter myself who has chosen to be a vegetarian, not for health concerns, but she wants to. We have talked about it and I fully support it, however, I will never give up eating meat and she knows it and respects it, but we actually did talk about it.

 

Your wife needs to respect your choices and stop shaming you for them. You really need to open up and tell her how she makes you feel, in a nice, calm manner, don't accuse her of anything, just say that her words are hurting you. Maybe do your own research and discuss with her.

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I think your wife, while well-meaning, is taking things to the extreme.

 

My 2.5yo son has FPIES to gluten - which means he has a rare gastrointestinal allergy to it (he vomits if he ingests any gluten). Fortunately, this particular issue is almost always outgrown by age 3-4, so we'll be having a food challenge somewhere around that time to be sure, and will hopefully be able to reintroduce gluten into his diet.

 

However, for now - and since the age of nine months - he's been totally gluten free. Since I'm home with him, almost all of the things we have at home for snacks are GF - that way we can share without issue, as he always wants to eat what I eat. My husband, on the other hand, eats tons of non-GF foods because he's working outside the home. Most of what we have for dinner in the evenings is at least partially GF, if not wholly.

 

That being said, he's too young to fully understand the situation, which is why we make an effort to be as conscious of it as possible. But, had he been diagnosed with CD or a lifelong allergy, we eventually would have to help him acclimate to living in a world where most people could eat something that he could not. (Not going to lie, I'm grateful that's not the case.)

 

Your daughter is old enough to understand that the world around her is filled with foods that contain gluten - and that most of us are eating it without issue. Your wife is being considerate, but it's probably better for your daughter to get used to being around these foods.

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Your diet is your choice. Period. Everything you said about your wife's obsession about this can be applied to many other dietary lifestyle changes. If your wife had went vegan, found that she felt better afterwards with the bonus of being guilt free, she'd probably be the same and force your daughter to do it while pressuring you to forfeit meat as well. Point being this has little to do with what's best for you and mostly to do with your wife's subscription that gluten = evil.

 

In fact, I'd say it's actually your wife that's being the selfish one here, not you. If you are fine with consuming gluten and it's not causing health problems for you, then go for it. You're being more than courteous enough by only having it when away from them.

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There is no scientific evidence at all to support gluten having negative health on the average person. If she and your daughter had Celiac's then there could be some merit in keeping Gluten from the household, but honestly even then I think it is BS.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty for your wife's obsession. She is being controlling and demanding and from what you've wrote, manipulative and downright mean.

 

It's time to sit down and have a serious discussion with her. If gluten is a deal-breaker for her, then she knows where to find the door. You can support your wife and daughter without participating in their lifestyle. To think otherwise is absurd. I don't have to participate in gay sex to support my gay best friend. Same goes for gluten.

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Sounds like your wife is full of ****, buddy. Would be really curious to know what exact tests she took. And you mention her "issues" with gluten-- does your daughter have a medical reason to be avoiding it, or is she just doing it for its own sake? Fair enough if it's her choice, but you shouldn't be beholden to it yourself. Or is it something your wife has likewise pushed on her? How did these tests determine you and your daughter have this intolerance as well?

 

Honestly, I wouldn't even hide it. It sounds like it's probably more an issue because you let it be an issue. You hiding it validates your wife's indignation. No one's saying to bust out an unsliced loaf of bread and go to town on it in front of everyone, but you should be able to enjoy foods you like inside your house, never mind outside of it where no one can see you. Seriously. I'd do so with some sensitivity, but I wouldn't just stop eating gluten in my own home. Let her be upset about it. She may scowl and not have sex with you for a little while. So what? Rub one out. I can't imagine discouraging someone I purport to love from foods they enjoy simply for my benefit of not having to know they were actually enjoying something.

 

Blood work, etc.

The only true celiac test is to scope down into your stomach. There are more people with wheat intolerance than celiac and there are people that actually have celiac who just didn't want to go through that procedures and knowing they are wheat intolerant is good enough (it involves avoiding the same foods). It can be genetic, and for people that have it and choose to eat wheat products, life can be pretty miserable - brain fog, immune system probs, stomach issues.... your body eating away at itself...

 

I do think that if the daughter is struggling, he should not be eating "fun foods" like pizza with regular crust from their favorite pizza place in front of her in the house. I think if he is out with his buddies he should eat what he wants. My cousin cannot bring any peanuts or peanut butter into the house just "trusting" his highly allergic kid won't get into it....

I think the big prob is what he chooses to do when he is not with his family away from the house.

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Blood work, etc.

The only true celiac test is to scope down into your stomach. There are more people with wheat intolerance than celiac and there are people that actually have celiac who just didn't want to go through that procedures and knowing they are wheat intolerant is good enough (it involves avoiding the same foods). It can be genetic, and for people that have it and choose to eat wheat products, life can be pretty miserable - brain fog, immune system probs, stomach issues.... your body eating away at itself...

 

I do think that if the daughter is struggling, he should not be eating "fun foods" like pizza with regular crust from their favorite pizza place in front of her in the house. I think if he is out with his buddies he should eat what he wants. My cousin cannot bring any peanuts or peanut butter into the house just "trusting" his highly allergic kid won't get into it....

I think the big prob is what he chooses to do when he is not with his family away from the house.

There isn't a medical test for gluten intolerance. And there certainly isn't a test to vicariously diagnose your husband and daughter with it. You can do a tTG-IgA test for CD* (sorry, had this written as "gluten" before). And you can even test for a specific allergy to something like wheat, but that's not a test for gluten itself. A wheat allergy is much less restrictive. That the wife is alleging the "confirmed" condition onto her, her daughter, and (evidently) him suggests she's either poorly misinterpreting her results or is being full-on disingenuous. With the extent to which she aims to control his diet both inside and outside his home, around his family or not, I'm not quite willing to write off the latter.
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So when you eat bread do you go to hospital too? All of us have an intolerance to everything. If I eat 50lbs of salt, for some reason, I would die. And yet if I eat a little I'm fine, heck I even need it sometimes. And there probably is a test that shows I have an intolerance to high levels of salt, hence the death and emergency room. Does that mean I don't keep salt in the house? No! And even if I were to avoid eating it I always find people sprinkling it on their food and enjoying this fatal substance. And I have no right to prevent people from bringing it in the house despite how salty I would get, even though they're eating so much of it in front of me.

 

Eat what you want, bring home what you want. People buy alcohol despite their kids not being able to drink it, and there it's fine. You should be able to bring home bread and have it be fine. It's an intolerance, not a peanut allergy, the bread isn't going to run up to her and stab her like the peanuts would.

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One other thing, we had a test done for intolerance and potatoes came up. I called BS and we've still been having potatoes with no issues. Another example, someone I know went on the Atkins diet. Didn't have any issues with poisonous gluten before but after the Atkins diet he does. Sometimes it's good to eat poison to build up an immunity. I don't say that as a medical professional but based on the princess bride movie. In any case I have witnessed changes in how people who used to eat unhealthy can now no longer handle unhealthy food after being on a healthy diet. Eat that bread, enjoy that bread drink, have a good life and stop feeling like you're cheating on your wife with bread.

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No you aren't being selfish, but as you said yourself, your wife has gone overboard and become obsessed to an unacceptable extreme. Instead of treating it as just a dietary restriction for herself, she has become the anti-gluten warrior and is projecting her issues to both you and your daughter, not to mention, using the daughter to bring you to heel. It's a difficult situation because her personal identity has become wrapped up in this and just like any fanatic, it's difficult to deal with. You aren't going to reason a freshly minted fanatic out of their belief and fervor.

 

Difficult or not, however, you will need to sit down with her and basically set your foot down and establish some reasonable boundaries about this. You do need to be honest with her about what you are and aren't willing to tolerate and stick to it no matter what tantrum she pitches about it. Continue to be honest, open, and firm about what you do. Don't hide, don't lie, don't minimize. Tell her straightforward that you will do x or y, but not a or b. For example, you aren't going to bring home wheat pasta and eat it in her face or risk her eating it accidentally, however, you are going to have a beer or two while you are out with your buddies and she needs to respect that. Basically, you both need to respect each other. You need to respect her dietary limitation and not cause war inside your home, while she needs to respect that you can eat/drink as you like outside of the home. Two way street.

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No you aren't being selfish, but as you said yourself, your wife has gone overboard and become obsessed to an unacceptable extreme. Instead of treating it as just a dietary restriction for herself, she has become the anti-gluten warrior and is projecting her issues to both you and your daughter, not to mention, using the daughter to bring you to heel. It's a difficult situation because her personal identity has become wrapped up in this and just like any fanatic, it's difficult to deal with. You aren't going to reason a freshly minted fanatic out of their belief and fervor.
This was actually a concern that stuck out big time to me, and was kinda what I was more subtly trying to allude to.

 

I'd genuinely be curious to know what tests she took. And I'd really like to know what came first between the chicken and the egg with regard to the daughter's alleged gluten intolerance. When was the daughter "diagnosed?" If she's at all displayed symptoms after consuming gluten, was it before or after the mother started pushing it? I tend to make a note to avoid the sensationalism that can sometimes be rampant in these parts, but there's a potential here which I'd find very disturbing. Hopefully OP comes back with some details, but trying to control a grown man's diet for her and her daughter's sake is one thing. It's controlling, but it's just a matter of dude putting his foot down. If she's essentially gone and convinced her daughter she's got an "intolerance" she doesn't really have and has essentially brainwashed her to live such a restrictive dietary lifestyle, I'd go as far as to call it flat-out abuse.

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Sounds like your wife is full of ****, buddy. Would be really curious to know what exact tests she took. And you mention her "issues" with gluten-- does your daughter have a medical reason to be avoiding it, or is she just doing it for its own sake? Fair enough if it's her choice, but you shouldn't be beholden to it yourself. Or is it something your wife has likewise pushed on her? How did these tests determine you and your daughter have this intolerance as well?

 

Honestly, I wouldn't even hide it. It sounds like it's probably more an issue because you let it be an issue. You hiding it validates your wife's indignation. No one's saying to bust out an unsliced loaf of bread and go to town on it in front of everyone, but you should be able to enjoy foods you like inside your house, never mind outside of it where no one can see you. Seriously. I'd do so with some sensitivity, but I wouldn't just stop eating gluten in my own home. Let her be upset about it. She may scowl and not have sex with you for a little while. So what? Rub one out. I can't imagine discouraging someone I purport to love from foods they enjoy simply for my benefit of not having to know they were actually enjoying something.

 

She has a blog dude. That's number 1 evidence she is gluten intolerant! /s

 

Anyway, on topic, I think you should sit your wife down and explain how you feel.

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Your wife is a control freak and is being ridiculous. She is behaving more like an out of control parent than a partner. You on the other hand have become a complete doormat, allowing this nonsense. You and your daughter should eat what you like.

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There is a simple blood test to diagnose coeliac disease.

Its a blood test looking for anti alpha gliadin and anti endomysial antibodies. These are components of wheat and if the body is truly allergic it will produce antibodies against them.

 

Anyone that tests negative then assumes to be intolerant , whatever that actually means!

 

Sounds to me like your wife is a bit of a hypochondriac.

 

Often when people remove gluten from their diet, they inadvertently remove other things from their diet like yeast etc.

They claim to feel better , could be due to something else that was removed from diet or could be a placebo effect.

 

It’s so easy to be gluten free because every shelf in the supermarket is loaded with gluten free alternatives and every restaurant has several gluten free options.

 

Your 14 year old is well capable of managing her diet and reading labels on food products.

Likewise she is mature enough to understand that others are allowed to eat gluten.

If she goes to stay over at a friends place , she needs to be able to make choices.

And a good place to teach her to do that and have good self control is within her own home.

 

Your wife needs to stop babying her and berating you for doing nothing wrong.

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I agree with the others. The only reason I would change my diet for a family member is if my eating it would affect the person’s allergies and if so I would only eat it out of the house. Like when I have to send peanut free lunches to camp because other campers are allergic. I do think some compromises are natural.

 

Like if my husband became vegetarian based on animal rights I would avoid eating meat in front of him if it bothered him.

On the gluten free issue I think some people are allergic. My friends family includes one daughter who is, my friend has an intolerance and her husband is fine. So they simply each eat what they can. However sometimes when she has holiday dinners the deserts and some of the food is gluten free to accommodate and sometimes most of the bread is gluten free. But the husband is fine with this. And when they all of out to eat it’s typically gluten free. So when the husband goes out with my husband for lunch he makes sure to get his fill of bread etc! But there never should be intense pressure like that. OP have you offered compromises that you might be comfortable with ?

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You didn't really speak about any health conditions you may have. Are you obese? Do you have your own health goals or goals to improve? I'm not talking about only weight management. I'm asking you if you have any specific goals you have regarding your own health. If you do, and you are not sticking to them for whatever reasons, are in poor health or have poor impulses or cannot stick to a routine/diet, your wife may have a point. I think everyone can eat whatever they please and in the same way, I'd rather prefer those who DON'T believe in gluten free or disrespect others for following a diet should also learn when to restrain their tongues and respect others. What makes me hesitant to jump on the burning band wagon here is that your story seems incredibly one-sided and lists all the way in which your wife appears deranged and insufferable when she may actually be trying to help you.

 

So what is it? Is she a real witch or are you finding her annoying because she has a lot more truth to what she's saying than you're willing to admit? The point is to uncover why her opinions and rhetoric bother you so much. If you're so confident of your health and the future of your health, who cares about what she says? In fact, you may very well put her in her place and tell her to "Shut it, mama. Look at this 8 pack and drool."

 

I also think you should start worrying less about what other people are doing or saying and continue to do what you do and don't slow your roll (pun intended). I think you should uncover why you feel so insecure and deal with your insecurities around others. If she's disrespectful to you, tell her. If you feel she devalues you in front of your daughter, you should be mentioning/explaining/communicating to her that that behaviour is inappropriate in front of the kids. Apart from her behaviours towards you and your daughter or towards you in front of your daughter, both of you should be mature enough to respect each other and salute each other for your own ways.

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I have t2 diabetes so going back to an earlier comment that if a person has diabetes should everyone in the same house avoid sugar? No. My husband doesnt have it, I would not tell him he cant have some cake or pie or cookies if he wants. I buy my own sugar free jam and ice cream on occasion, he has typical sugared things when he wants them. He is mindful of my diabetes and doesnt undermine me and I dont expect him to eat like I do.

 

I think the OP's wife is out of line being so controlling about gluten if the OP can eat it. What he puts in his mouth is his issue, what he eats when he's out of the house is his issue. Surely at 14 the daughter is old enough to understand if dad can eat gluten or not. I think the wife has issues that go beyond gluten.

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I don't think you're selfish at all. Gluten itself isn't bad for people (who don't have celiacs or an intolerance), but there is this trend that gluten free means it's healthier not to have it. For a lot of people, gluten is actually an important part of their diet and health.

 

I am vegan but my boyfriend is a huge meat eater. I would never impose my food lifestyle on him and vice versa. When he goes to kiss me, I don't freak out and make him brush his teeth or make a nasty facial expression. It's his body and his life and I have no right to put limits on him.

I am also allergic to chilli, but there is no requirement in our relationship that because I can't have chilli then he can't have chilli either. Heck, he can eat chilli right next to me for all I care, as long as chilli doesn't come into contact with me, all is good.

 

Your wife is being unreasonable, selfish, controlling, and disrespectful. As long as you are mindful of the situation when you eat gluten (whether anyone is at risk of having a reaction due to direct contact with it), then you should be able to have what you like. Plus, it's not actually that easy to have cross-contamination with gluten if you're having it near them.

 

Your wife needs to grow up.

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Just stop making it a tug-of-war. You already maintain a gluten free household so that should suffice. At least act concerned for your daughter's health issues. As far as your wife playing eating police when you are not at home, that is a bit strange. Family therapy would do a world of good rather than this cat and mouse game and playing the defiant teenager who "sneaks" beer/food or chronically debating who's right/who's wrong etc.

its not like I eat gluten and drink beer around them. I'm 100% gluten free at home.
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Just stop making it a tug-of-war. You already maintain a gluten free household so that should suffice. At least act concerned for your daughter's health issues. As far as your wife playing eating police when you are not at home, that is a bit strange. Family therapy would do a world of good rather than this cat and mouse game and playing the defiant teenager who "sneaks" beer/food or chronically debating who's right/who's wrong etc.

 

I don't think family therapy is needed. An adult, calm family meeting might very well do the trick. Or several.

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Oh this is such a frustrating post to read and I can’t believe it’s been turned on the op to question his health and consider therapy? Just because he enjoys a beer and a packet of crisps!

 

The 14 year old daughter has been put on a gluten free diet based on no medical indication that she should be! Only because the mother believes it’s in her best interest!

She is NOT coeliac and neither is her mother.

 

I wonder do people realise that when you buy minced beef from the supermarket , that it contains gluten?

People expect certain foods to contain gluten and seek the gluten free alternative such as bread.

 

There is so much ignorance surrounding food “intolerances” and what people think is beneficial or not.

 

The only reason someone should consider their choice in food is when another has an actual allergy that induces an anaphylactic response which is life threatening.

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