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Thread: Am I selfish because I'm not gluten free

  1. #11
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    No one should force his dietary restrictions on someone else.

    Has she been tested for Celiac or is this just a fashionable rejection of all things gluten?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    No you aren't being selfish, but as you said yourself, your wife has gone overboard and become obsessed to an unacceptable extreme. Instead of treating it as just a dietary restriction for herself, she has become the anti-gluten warrior and is projecting her issues to both you and your daughter, not to mention, using the daughter to bring you to heel. It's a difficult situation because her personal identity has become wrapped up in this and just like any fanatic, it's difficult to deal with. You aren't going to reason a freshly minted fanatic out of their belief and fervor.

    Difficult or not, however, you will need to sit down with her and basically set your foot down and establish some reasonable boundaries about this. You do need to be honest with her about what you are and aren't willing to tolerate and stick to it no matter what tantrum she pitches about it. Continue to be honest, open, and firm about what you do. Don't hide, don't lie, don't minimize. Tell her straightforward that you will do x or y, but not a or b. For example, you aren't going to bring home wheat pasta and eat it in her face or risk her eating it accidentally, however, you are going to have a beer or two while you are out with your buddies and she needs to respect that. Basically, you both need to respect each other. You need to respect her dietary limitation and not cause war inside your home, while she needs to respect that you can eat/drink as you like outside of the home. Two way street.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    No you aren't being selfish, but as you said yourself, your wife has gone overboard and become obsessed to an unacceptable extreme. Instead of treating it as just a dietary restriction for herself, she has become the anti-gluten warrior and is projecting her issues to both you and your daughter, not to mention, using the daughter to bring you to heel. It's a difficult situation because her personal identity has become wrapped up in this and just like any fanatic, it's difficult to deal with. You aren't going to reason a freshly minted fanatic out of their belief and fervor.
    This was actually a concern that stuck out big time to me, and was kinda what I was more subtly trying to allude to.

    I'd genuinely be curious to know what tests she took. And I'd really like to know what came first between the chicken and the egg with regard to the daughter's alleged gluten intolerance. When was the daughter "diagnosed?" If she's at all displayed symptoms after consuming gluten, was it before or after the mother started pushing it? I tend to make a note to avoid the sensationalism that can sometimes be rampant in these parts, but there's a potential here which I'd find very disturbing. Hopefully OP comes back with some details, but trying to control a grown man's diet for her and her daughter's sake is one thing. It's controlling, but it's just a matter of dude putting his foot down. If she's essentially gone and convinced her daughter she's got an "intolerance" she doesn't really have and has essentially brainwashed her to live such a restrictive dietary lifestyle, I'd go as far as to call it flat-out abuse.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Sounds like your wife is full of ****, buddy. Would be really curious to know what exact tests she took. And you mention her "issues" with gluten-- does your daughter have a medical reason to be avoiding it, or is she just doing it for its own sake? Fair enough if it's her choice, but you shouldn't be beholden to it yourself. Or is it something your wife has likewise pushed on her? How did these tests determine you and your daughter have this intolerance as well?

    Honestly, I wouldn't even hide it. It sounds like it's probably more an issue because you let it be an issue. You hiding it validates your wife's indignation. No one's saying to bust out an unsliced loaf of bread and go to town on it in front of everyone, but you should be able to enjoy foods you like inside your house, never mind outside of it where no one can see you. Seriously. I'd do so with some sensitivity, but I wouldn't just stop eating gluten in my own home. Let her be upset about it. She may scowl and not have sex with you for a little while. So what? Rub one out. I can't imagine discouraging someone I purport to love from foods they enjoy simply for my benefit of not having to know they were actually enjoying something.
    She has a blog dude. That's number 1 evidence she is gluten intolerant! /s

    Anyway, on topic, I think you should sit your wife down and explain how you feel.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wolfshook
    She has a blog dude.
    Jesus.

    OP, this is why you wait to propose.

  7. #16
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    Your wife is a control freak and is being ridiculous. She is behaving more like an out of control parent than a partner. You on the other hand have become a complete doormat, allowing this nonsense. You and your daughter should eat what you like.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 05-03-2019 at 06:51 PM.

  8. #17
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    Why on earth does your wife consider this selfish?

    How does eating gluten mean youíre not putting your family first?

  9. 05-03-2019, 06:41 PM

  10. #18
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    There is a simple blood test to diagnose coeliac disease.
    Its a blood test looking for anti alpha gliadin and anti endomysial antibodies. These are components of wheat and if the body is truly allergic it will produce antibodies against them.

    Anyone that tests negative then assumes to be intolerant , whatever that actually means!

    Sounds to me like your wife is a bit of a hypochondriac.

    Often when people remove gluten from their diet, they inadvertently remove other things from their diet like yeast etc.
    They claim to feel better , could be due to something else that was removed from diet or could be a placebo effect.

    Itís so easy to be gluten free because every shelf in the supermarket is loaded with gluten free alternatives and every restaurant has several gluten free options.

    Your 14 year old is well capable of managing her diet and reading labels on food products.
    Likewise she is mature enough to understand that others are allowed to eat gluten.
    If she goes to stay over at a friends place , she needs to be able to make choices.
    And a good place to teach her to do that and have good self control is within her own home.

    Your wife needs to stop babying her and berating you for doing nothing wrong.

  11. #19
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    I agree with the others. The only reason I would change my diet for a family member is if my eating it would affect the personís allergies and if so I would only eat it out of the house. Like when I have to send peanut free lunches to camp because other campers are allergic. I do think some compromises are natural.

    Like if my husband became vegetarian based on animal rights I would avoid eating meat in front of him if it bothered him.
    On the gluten free issue I think some people are allergic. My friends family includes one daughter who is, my friend has an intolerance and her husband is fine. So they simply each eat what they can. However sometimes when she has holiday dinners the deserts and some of the food is gluten free to accommodate and sometimes most of the bread is gluten free. But the husband is fine with this. And when they all of out to eat itís typically gluten free. So when the husband goes out with my husband for lunch he makes sure to get his fill of bread etc! But there never should be intense pressure like that. OP have you offered compromises that you might be comfortable with ?

  12. #20
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You didn't really speak about any health conditions you may have. Are you obese? Do you have your own health goals or goals to improve? I'm not talking about only weight management. I'm asking you if you have any specific goals you have regarding your own health. If you do, and you are not sticking to them for whatever reasons, are in poor health or have poor impulses or cannot stick to a routine/diet, your wife may have a point. I think everyone can eat whatever they please and in the same way, I'd rather prefer those who DON'T believe in gluten free or disrespect others for following a diet should also learn when to restrain their tongues and respect others. What makes me hesitant to jump on the burning band wagon here is that your story seems incredibly one-sided and lists all the way in which your wife appears deranged and insufferable when she may actually be trying to help you.

    So what is it? Is she a real witch or are you finding her annoying because she has a lot more truth to what she's saying than you're willing to admit? The point is to uncover why her opinions and rhetoric bother you so much. If you're so confident of your health and the future of your health, who cares about what she says? In fact, you may very well put her in her place and tell her to "Shut it, mama. Look at this 8 pack and drool."

    I also think you should start worrying less about what other people are doing or saying and continue to do what you do and don't slow your roll (pun intended). I think you should uncover why you feel so insecure and deal with your insecurities around others. If she's disrespectful to you, tell her. If you feel she devalues you in front of your daughter, you should be mentioning/explaining/communicating to her that that behaviour is inappropriate in front of the kids. Apart from her behaviours towards you and your daughter or towards you in front of your daughter, both of you should be mature enough to respect each other and salute each other for your own ways.

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