taking the next step with someone who has been single for a long time

Hi! Thanks for reading - i am needing some advice, i am in a situation i have never been in before!

We went out on a blind date 3/20/19 and everything went so well! We had a great time and ended back at his place afterwards. He texted me for the next couple dates a few times here and there. Then the next day we went out again, it was a saturday so we went out saturday night and he stayed the night, we hung out all sunday and he stayed again sunday night so we spent a few days together. Just a little background but we hang out 3-4x a week on average and usually spend the night together when we do ever since we met.

We have long loving talks about our pasts and what we see for the future. We are open and honest about our feelings for each other. We clearly really like each other, i am falling for him for sure. He says the same about me.

Here is where it gets tricky and i am needing some advice. He has been single for 5-6 years with no intent of committing to someone. I am total opposite and have been in 4 back to back, long term relationships since i was 16. ranging from 2-7 years of being together. He knows this about me and lately has been opening up about how this worries him. I have been giving him space (which has been very hard for me) we will go a day or two without texting at all. i wait for him to contact me and initiate dates, not always as ive asked him to hang out a few times to make sure he knows im still interested. i am trying to make this as easy as possible for him without smothering him.

In my past i have rushed to be with all my exes. We have made things official within a month of meeting. That is what i appreciate about this guy so much is that he is making sure we take our time, he is not enabling my codependency. He makes sure i put myself first and don't prioritize him. It's so awesome and i love him for this.

So he has shared what worries him to me - and why he is taking things so slow, i want to share them with you in hopes someone has some advice on how i can make things easier for him!

-he has said my past worries him because i jump into relationships fast where as he is opposite. this makes him wonder if hes just like the all the rest and i am wanting to jump into things with him too fast too only to have them not work out like my exes

-he said he feels intimidated by me - i have a lot of friends, am smart, independent. i have a lot of guy friends and can chat about sports with them. i am a guys girl. he said this makes him intimidated as hes used to always being "on top" as he put it, with the other dates hes gone on.

-he is very competitive and said he wants to be the best for me - he doesnt know much about sports and im huge sports girl, he wants to compete with all my friends and hes been studying up on NBA, MLB, etc etc. i think its adorable but i told him not necessary.

-he thinks ive had a wild past compared to him and hes worried i only want to be with him since ive had my fun and hes "safe" and "boring" and im trying to settle down now - i do not think he is boring at all and have told him this many times.

i try to reassure him all the time that i like him for him. i tell him this is very different than any relationship ive been in mainly because he is taking his time. he is the first guy ive dated that believes in God and i love that he is bringing me closer to Him as well. He told he has prayed for someone exactly like me

he continues to tell me its not me - its him. hes never felt these feelings since hes always single and hes dealing with the jealously and competition and dealing with my past and all these feelings that hes not used to. he says give him time and he'll come around. he doesnt have very high self esteem but i always compliment him and make sure he knows hes more important than a lot of other people in my life.

am i doing this right?

is what he is saying a huge red flag to begin with?

is there anything else i can do to help ease him into a relationship? ease his fears? ways to reassure him?

Id appreciate any advice! Thanks again.

This sounds promising!

I'd encourage you, as much as possible, to not make his issues your own. If he's hung up on your past, intimidated by you and your friends, nervous that you jump in and jump out, and so on—well, that's for him to learn to be cool with, or not, as he continues to spend time with you and get to know you. Your job, meanwhile, is to just be your awesome self and to see if he can appreciate that awesome self and tend to it in a way that makes you secure in committing to him.

I wouldn't call any of this a "red flag," but I would see it all in your mind much the way he's seeing it in his: as a question mark in the compatibility index. And that's okay! It's what's exciting! At two months in you both should still very much be gauging whether or not you think you're compatible for a relationship, not jumping into a relationship as a test of compatibility, or ignoring incompatibilities because of some need to be in a relationship.

Make sense?

I'm curious to know how you feel when he says he finds you intimidating, or that you've had a wild past, or that your friends are x,y, and z, or that you're only ready for him because he's settled, boring. Do you feel, during those moments, that he's really seeing you, the person you know yourself to be?

Because that, really, is the feeling you should be chasing and gauging in these early stages, not looking how to you can twist and bend in order to "ease" him into a relationship.

thank you this is great advice!! i have been told im intimidating to alot of men as im secure in myself and a guys girl - my group of friends is mainly a lot of manly guys/ex athletes. so i understand where he is coming from and i love the fact he is being open and honest and communicating it to me instead of acting on the insecurities. i get it. yes i have had a party girl past with having a lot of friends and living in a city that encourages alcoholism lol we do go out a lot and my exes have been a little crazy (alcoholic, drug abuser, tattooer, drug dealer -hence the codependency) and i understand that. i try to tell him to trust Gods timing. like i said my friends are all ex athletes, tall, handsome, funny awesome people (why else would i call them my friends?) so i get this too. he is right about all of this.

i do however think he is wrong when he says i am with him as im settling down and looking for someone boring as i do not think hes boring nor am i trying to "settle down" i think this is his way of feeling MORE boring than what he thinks my exes were like. hes comparing himself to them, naturally, but as someone who is never in a relationship this is all new to him so i understand this. again - i just appreciate his transparency and honestly

thank you again i really really appreciate this. youre absolutely right it is still very early - i just dont want to scare him off as i really like him and see a promising future with him. hes different. they are his issues and not my own. (UGH CODEPENDENCY)

I think you moved too fast if he spent the night right away and hence why he could be scared/backing up a smidge. The 3-4x a week and already sleeping over are moving things along quickly. If this doesn't gel, I would make sure to keep the first few weeks a little slower paced so you are not already so attached when you find out there might be an incompatibility.

I also think that you should have sort of discussed what you are both looking for going forward over dinner before things got hot and heavy. There is some assuming going on---- and some denial -- from how I am reading it -- you are dating to find a commitment but then say "no, no, no i am not looking to settle down" the minute it sounds like he is not looking at this time for a future wife- which is it?

yes i do agree things went fast with the sleep overs. the whole settling down thing i meant as in he thinks i want to be with him as ive settled down as person - and am looking for something boring now and thats why ive chosen him.

we obviously went on a blind date for a reason. we both wouldnt be dating if we werent looking for something more. i try not to have expectations as someone i meet i could want a future with or friendship with, you never know how someone is going to make you feel. we both talk about our feelings for each other - he does say he sees a future with me. he says he sees us together in the future, committed. he knew i was different right away. ive told him i want to be with him and that he can take his time as im not going anywhere. he says to give him time. i was mainly looking for advice on how to make things easier on him, to see if it seemed like i was putting a lot of pressure on him, etc.

yes i do agree things went fast with the sleep overs. the whole settling down thing i meant as in he thinks i want to be with him as ive settled down as person - and am looking for something boring now and thats why ive chosen him.

 

we obviously went on a blind date for a reason. we both wouldnt be dating if we werent looking for something more. i try not to have expectations as someone i meet i could want a future with or friendship with, you never know how someone is going to make you feel. we both talk about our feelings for each other - he does say he sees a future with me. he says he sees us together in the future, committed. he knew i was different right away. ive told him i want to be with him and that he can take his time as im not going anywhere. he says to give him time. i was mainly looking for advice on how to make things easier on him, to see if it seemed like i was putting a lot of pressure on him, etc.

The bolded is where you might be incorrect. People date because their friends cajol them into it, they want someone to do things with, they want sex or physical contact, a commitment is not the "more" everyone is out looking for just because they are dating.

I would not have denied that i wanted to settle down and find a husband/start a family if that's what you want. I would not have addressed his "boringness" - i would have just said i learned from mistakes and i am looking for a sincere relationship leading to marriage and am dating to try to find my match. Or whatever.

I would not "make it easier" on him. I would be yourself. I may have not disclosed all the dirty laundry about every ex so soon or at all (drug dealers, etc.) and would only disclose why you hadn't found the right one/what you learned, etc. If he cannot accept you as yourself, I don't think you should help him with that. I think you should slow your roll and go on actual dates instead of being at eachother's places, etc. all the time and spending the night.

BTW

i love all my friends girlfriends/wives! my guy group of friends are friends i have had since 7th grade (we are all 30 now). we are all really tight and most of the girls from our group of friends have moved away, gotten married/had children and just dont seem to keep in touch anymore so its just me and the guys. i do have a few other girl friends here and there. hes met my 2 closest girl friends.

yeah we have been very open and honest about our pasts - hes aired out some dirty laundry to me too. i like the transparency honestly. but yes i see how it is going really fast, things tend to do in my life.

Imo, you need to be careful. Your last question sounds co-depended to me to begin with. In addition, there are contradictions in what he is saying. On the one hand, he says that he prayed for someone exactly like you, on the other hand he has trouble accepting your past, doesn't trust your intentions and feels competitive towards you and your friends.

When you say that you ended up in his place after your blind date, do you mean that you had sex on the first date? If yes, that was too much too soon and it has probably clouded both of your judgments. It sounds like your feelings are moving too fast and imo, you need to be careful so as not to idealize him.

It sounds like he has multiple issues that could be classed as yellow flags to say the least. You need to proceed with caution. He may or may not be able to overcome his insecurities. You need to be careful so as not to end up jumping hoops to cater his insecurities, which would be co-dependent.

i love all my friends girlfriends/wives! my guy group of friends are friends i have had since 7th grade (we are all 30 now). we are all really tight and most of the girls from our group of friends have moved away, gotten married/had children and just dont seem to keep in touch anymore so its just me and the guys. i do have a few other girl friends here and there. hes met my 2 closest girl friends.

 

yeah we have been very open and honest about our pasts - hes aired out some dirty laundry to me too. i like the transparency honestly. but yes i see how it is going really fast, things tend to do in my life.

But are the girlfriends/wives included? And do you have any friends that you made in adulthood/after 7th grade, etc, or are you pretty stuck in time?

If someone shares dirty laundry, no need to offer up all of yours on the first day.

When i started dating again -- the info about my prior marriage and divorce was a 1-3 sentence positive narrative. As we got to know eachother more, i told more -- he asked more on the 4th date. the first three were just having fun while getting to know eachother. He learned that i divorced for an acceptable reason to him (abuse, spouse left ME), etc, and felt that i had healed enough from it (was coming from a healed perspective). And that didn't mean he was marrying me, it meant that it was acceptable to move forward to continue dating.

do you guys think we need to slow things down??? we have shared a lot with each other over the past month and half ... A LOT. good and bad. and yes the physically intimacy is there and GREAT and definitely causing attachment and clouding judgement ... ugh. i know my codependency is trying to cater to his insecurities - i will definitely try to be myself and not cater to him. thats all i can do. need to get over my codependency issues, am working on it. i felt like he was helping with that -

>>we both wouldnt be dating if we werent looking for something more.

May I ask where you got this^^ from?

I agree with abitbroken, there are many many people who date who are not looking for a commitment.

He has already told you he is not looking for a commitment, told you he was worried because he senses you are!

It does not matter that he goes through all the same motions a guy looking for a commitment does, he flat out told he is not looking for (translation: he does not want) a commitment and if you were smart you'd be listening to that, and not telling yourself stories that if and when he ever falls in love w you, he will change his mind (assuming that is what you're thinking and hoping for).

Not saying it's not possible but it's not a definitive so unless you're willing to take a big risk w your heart, I would proceed very very cautiously, dial things back, and scale down your expectations.

do you guys think we need to slow things down??? we have shared a lot with each other over the past month and half ... A LOT. good and bad. and yes the physically intimacy is there and GREAT and definitely causing attachment and clouding judgement ... ugh. i know my codependency is trying to cater to his insecurities - i will definitely try to be myself and not cater to him. thats all i can do. need to get over my codependency issues, am working on it. i felt like he was helping with that -

YES. I think you should try to actually date him - go to dinner and go home alone, go to a movie, go to an art exhibit, meet for lunch - whatever constitutes "dating" in your area. Not Netflix and chill.

No one can "help" you with your codependency issues. Those are yours.

I do agree you once again rushed in. Just because you two haven't decided to call yourselves "in a relationship" doesn't mean you don't think of yourself as in one with him. Do you?

And why always rushing? What are you hiding from?

where are you getting this? he has told me he needs time but he sees a future with me, see us being together in the near future, calls me his girl, i have met most of his friends. told me i was different. invited me to his parents for Easter.

we do mix in dating here and there. lunch. we have met for dinner and left separately

IDK!! i wish i knew why things always move so fast with me in these situations!!! not sure what i am hiding from?????

>>we both wouldnt be dating if we werent looking for something more.

 

May I ask where you got this^^ from?

 

I agree with abitbroken, there are many many people who date who are not looking for a commitment.

 

He has already told you he is not looking for a commitment, told you he was worried because he senses you are!

 

It does not matter that he goes through all the same motions a guy looking for a commitment does, he flat out told he is not looking for (translation: he does not want) a commitment and if you were smart you'd be listening to that, and not telling yourself stories that if and when he ever falls in love w you, he will change his mind (assuming that is what you're thinking and hoping for).

 

Not saying it's not possible but it's not a definitive so unless you're willing to take a big risk w your heart, I would proceed very very cautiously, dial things back, and scale down your expectations.

sorry this reply was for this one -

where are you getting this? he has told me he needs time but he sees a future with me, see us being together in the near future, calls me his girl, i have met most of his friends. told me i was different. invited me to his parents for Easter.

No one can "help" you with your codependency issues. Those are yours.

 

I do agree you once again rushed in. Just because you two haven't decided to call yourselves "in a relationship" doesn't mean you don't think of yourself as in one with him. Do you?

 

And why always rushing? What are you hiding from?

and yes i do see myself with him already :( and unfortunately ive told him this already..... i have this "thing" about me where people immediately feel very comfortable around me, they feel they can be themselves, show everything about them without judgement, let loose, depend on me.. etc. its a gift and a curse. i think maybe thats another reason things tend to go very fast with me.

where are you getting this? he has told me he needs time but he sees a future with me, see us being together in the near future, calls me his girl, i have met most of his friends. told me i was different. invited me to his parents for Easter.

Easter with the family when you only met 3/20 is rushing things big time. He says he sees you "being together IN THE FUTURE" but he needs more time. If he had been looking for a commitment he would have slowed his roll,..not jumped in so quickly because he wanted to be sure. He would have actually gone on dates instead of sex the first day of meeting. you say he had "no intent on committing to someone"

sorry this reply was for this one -

 

where are you getting this? he has told me he needs time but he sees a future with me, see us being together in the near future, calls me his girl, i have met most of his friends. told me i was different. invited me to his parents for Easter.

He also said this (below):

 

Here is where it gets tricky and i am needing some advice. He has been single for 5-6 years with no intent of committing to someone. I am total opposite and have been in 4 back to back, long term relationships since i was 16. ranging from 2-7 years of being together. He knows this about me and lately has been opening up about how this worries him.

So he tells you he has no intention of committing to someone but then tells you he sees a future with you. But that he needs time? Come on now, you know better than to believe this.

Anyway, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is what is known as your classic "double message" quite common in dating today.

He tells you where he's at (he doesn't want a commitment) but then follows up by telling you he sees a future with you and acts like a boyfriend but needs time -- all to keep you around until he gets bored or starts liking another woman, take your pick.

Like I said, your choice to believe whatever message you want, for me I always listen to the first message, as more times than not that is the correct message.

Just read this forum if you don't believe me. Many many threads from women in the same exact position as you, who ended up getting their hearts broken by some guy who was acting like her bf, telling her he sees a future, but in the end, never had any intention of committing to her.

In any event, good luck to you, I hope it all works out the way you hope.

What Katrina said.

If he has no intention of committing to someone, then everything thing he says is world class bull****.

Look at what people do and not what they say.

What Katrina said.

 

If he has no intention of committing to someone, then everything thing he says is world class bull****.

 

Look at what people do and not what they say.

Damn you guys might be right. I guess I meant he’s been single for a while and dated around but wasn’t looking for anything serious before he met me. The way he explained it was that he would go on 1-3 dates with these girls who’d try and pressure him into more and he’d bounce. He said they would sometimes try and make him jealous but he didn’t care enough about them to be jealous so he knew he had to end it with whoever ... wow typing this sounds bad lol

Damn you guys might be right. I guess I meant he’s been single for a while and dated around but wasn’t looking for anything serious before he met me. The way he explained it was that he would go on 1-3 dates with these girls who’d try and pressure him into more and he’d bounce. He said they would sometimes try and make him jealous but he didn’t care enough about them to be jealous so he knew he had to end it with whoever ... wow typing this sounds bad lol

red flag if this early on if he speaks of everyone he dated as horrible people.

If he is "boring" - why would they try to make him jealous?

When people want to commit, they want to commit an its a matter of finding the right one. One day someone is ready to commit so they start looking.

I think you were wanting to be something he wasn't.

No matter - whether you end up staying or going - you need to work on not moving so quickly. Go on coffee dates. Take your time

and yes i do see myself with him already :( and unfortunately ive told him this already..... i have this "thing" about me where people immediately feel very comfortable around me, they feel they can be themselves, show everything about them without judgement, let loose, depend on me.. etc. its a gift and a curse. i think maybe thats another reason things tend to go very fast with me.

But you're not helpless. YOU can control the pace of your own relationships. No one can rush you without your consent.

And you didn't answer my other question. Why do you always feel the need to rush into a relationship? What is it that you're trying to avoid with all this relationship rushing?

Hi OP I used to rush into relationships all the time. Trying to make the person ‘the one.’ In reality I would probably not want to have been with them long term if I hadn’t rushed. I then found a guy who said he wanted to go at a decent pace just to get to know each other better. We didn’t even hold hands until the third date or kiss until the sixth or become official until two months in.

Needless to say that was all brand new territory for me. I learned something valuable that you may be able to take into consideration. Its true to let nature take its course.

One month is too soon and it sounds like a fast flame but be careful those can burn out just as fast as they started. The spending the nights and seeing each other so much can get overwhelming fast.

With all that being said.

If you’re looking to commit then you need someone who’s going too all the way and have a good sense in which direction they are headed.

This guy told you his concerns but that may not have anything to do with it at all. It could be his way to do a slow fade.

Or an excuse why he can have his cake and eat it too.

Listen to your gut feeling

That will give you clues for red flags

Lisa

Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't be interested in trying to ease someone into wanting a committed relationship with me. Either we're both dating for the same reasons, or we're not a good match. I'd tell him that I adore him but need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He's free to take all the time he wants to decide whether he's a commitment minded person or not. If so, he can reach out and let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

I know myself well enough to know that I'm relationship material, and I deserve an equally invested partner. I'm not interested in coaxing or manipulating anyone who's on the fence and doesn't know where he stands on wanting the same things I want. I'd be kind but firm about walking away to let him figure that out. Sticking around to try to influence someone to invest in me only positions me badly to never fully trust that he's come to that choice on his own. That's just setting myself up for a perpetual tap-dance, and it's not how I'd want to live.

Head high, and good luck.