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Thread: taking the next step with someone who has been single for a long time

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    What Katrina said.

    If he has no intention of committing to someone, then everything thing he says is world class bull****.

    Look at what people do and not what they say.
    Damn you guys might be right. I guess I meant he’s been single for a while and dated around but wasn’t looking for anything serious before he met me. The way he explained it was that he would go on 1-3 dates with these girls who’d try and pressure him into more and he’d bounce. He said they would sometimes try and make him jealous but he didn’t care enough about them to be jealous so he knew he had to end it with whoever ... wow typing this sounds bad lol

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    Damn you guys might be right. I guess I meant he’s been single for a while and dated around but wasn’t looking for anything serious before he met me. The way he explained it was that he would go on 1-3 dates with these girls who’d try and pressure him into more and he’d bounce. He said they would sometimes try and make him jealous but he didn’t care enough about them to be jealous so he knew he had to end it with whoever ... wow typing this sounds bad lol
    red flag if this early on if he speaks of everyone he dated as horrible people.

    If he is "boring" - why would they try to make him jealous?

    When people want to commit, they want to commit an its a matter of finding the right one. One day someone is ready to commit so they start looking.

    I think you were wanting to be something he wasn't.

    No matter - whether you end up staying or going - you need to work on not moving so quickly. Go on coffee dates. Take your time

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    and yes i do see myself with him already :( and unfortunately ive told him this already..... i have this "thing" about me where people immediately feel very comfortable around me, they feel they can be themselves, show everything about them without judgement, let loose, depend on me.. etc. its a gift and a curse. i think maybe thats another reason things tend to go very fast with me.
    But you're not helpless. YOU can control the pace of your own relationships. No one can rush you without your consent.

    And you didn't answer my other question. Why do you always feel the need to rush into a relationship? What is it that you're trying to avoid with all this relationship rushing?

  4. #24
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    Hi OP I used to rush into relationships all the time. Trying to make the person ‘the one.’ In reality I would probably not want to have been with them long term if I hadn’t rushed. I then found a guy who said he wanted to go at a decent pace just to get to know each other better. We didn’t even hold hands until the third date or kiss until the sixth or become official until two months in.

    Needless to say that was all brand new territory for me. I learned something valuable that you may be able to take into consideration. Its true to let nature take its course.

    One month is too soon and it sounds like a fast flame but be careful those can burn out just as fast as they started. The spending the nights and seeing each other so much can get overwhelming fast.

    With all that being said.

    If you’re looking to commit then you need someone who’s going too all the way and have a good sense in which direction they are headed.

    This guy told you his concerns but that may not have anything to do with it at all. It could be his way to do a slow fade.
    Or an excuse why he can have his cake and eat it too.

    Listen to your gut feeling

    That will give you clues for red flags

    Lisa

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't be interested in trying to ease someone into wanting a committed relationship with me. Either we're both dating for the same reasons, or we're not a good match. I'd tell him that I adore him but need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He's free to take all the time he wants to decide whether he's a commitment minded person or not. If so, he can reach out and let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

    I know myself well enough to know that I'm relationship material, and I deserve an equally invested partner. I'm not interested in coaxing or manipulating anyone who's on the fence and doesn't know where he stands on wanting the same things I want. I'd be kind but firm about walking away to let him figure that out. Sticking around to try to influence someone to invest in me only positions me badly to never fully trust that he's come to that choice on his own. That's just setting myself up for a perpetual tap-dance, and it's not how I'd want to live.

    Head high, and good luck.

  7. #26
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    OP you said you have shared a lot good and bad.

    You met him 45 days ago, only!
    There should be no “bad”

    I fail to see how someone that claims to be so independent with numerous close friends has suddenly the time regardless of desire to see someone she barely knows 4-5 times per week?

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    OP you said you have shared a lot good and bad.

    You met him 45 days ago, only!
    There should be no “bad”

    I fail to see how someone that claims to be so independent with numerous close friends has suddenly the time regardless of desire to see someone she barely knows 4-5 times per week?
    I think she meant they shared in conversation the good and the bad about their pasts.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    Damn you guys might be right.

    I guess I meant he’s been single for a while and dated around but wasn’t looking for anything serious before he met me.
    BCC, please try and stay away from "guessing" what a guy meant when he flat out tells you something.

    Pay attention to what he actually says rather than tell yourself stories according to what you want and hope for.

    In this case, he said he has no intention of committing to someone (your initial post).. He senses you are, which worries him.

    Pay attention to that! What that means.

    Not what you want it to mean..

    Edit: Also, I think he told you about the other women pushing for more after 1-3 dates to pump himself up to make himself sound more attractive to you.

    In realty, telling you this suggests he's quite insecure and unsure of himself.

    Men who are secure and confident have no need or desire to share w a new woman how attractive other women find them.

    Personally I find men who do this a big turn off.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-04-2019 at 02:53 PM.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    He also said this (below):



    So he tells you he has no intention of committing to someone but then tells you he sees a future with you. But that he needs time? Come on now, you know better than to believe this.

    Anyway, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is what is known as your classic "double message" quite common in dating today.

    He tells you where he's at (he doesn't want a commitment) but then follows up by telling you he sees a future with you and acts like a boyfriend but needs time -- all to keep you around until he gets bored or starts liking another woman, take your pick.

    Like I said, your choice to believe whatever message you want, for me I always listen to the first message, as more times than not that is the correct message.

    Just read this forum if you don't believe me. Many many threads from women in the same exact position as you, who ended up getting their hearts broken by some guy who was acting like her bf, telling her he sees a future, but in the end, never had any intention of committing to her.

    In any event, good luck to you, I hope it all works out the way you hope.
    So just to take this a step further, having a healthy sense of self is a good, a great thing even, except when its used to hurt ones self, then its not a true healthy sense of self but rather an inflated ego thats masking some hard core issues.

    Kinda like the mistress that believes shes different, that she’s somehow going to be the one to get the man to leave.

    Ego is a helluva drug... you’re doing what many do and believe you’re different, that you will change him so you’re ignoring the core of these ‘sweet words’ that really are warnings and red flags. You get to hide behind this excuse of well people trust me and open up to me, which I’m sure is true but that doesn’t mean you let snakes in too.

    I’m not going to say that I know with 100% certainty that he’s lying or being manipulative, but I will say his actions don’t match his words, sex and sleeping over so quickly is not cautious, I’m not saying either of you did anything wrong, but I will say neither of you is acting cautiously and probably one of the BIGGEST red flags. Not only is it not the best idea to share such deep information so quickly but he’s now using it against you, not cool. He’s okaying a game that has only become so easy to do because well ego...

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Always read the small print and heed the warning labels.
    Originally Posted by BCC123
    The way he explained it was that he would go on 1-3 dates with these girls who’d try and pressure him into more and he’d bounce.

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