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Thread: taking the next step with someone who has been single for a long time

  1. #11
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    >>we both wouldnt be dating if we werent looking for something more.


    May I ask where you got this^^ from?

    I agree with abitbroken, there are many many people who date who are not looking for a commitment.

    He has already told you he is not looking for a commitment, told you he was worried because he senses you are!

    It does not matter that he goes through all the same motions a guy looking for a commitment does, he flat out told he is not looking for (translation: he does not want) a commitment and if you were smart you'd be listening to that, and not telling yourself stories that if and when he ever falls in love w you, he will change his mind (assuming that is what you're thinking and hoping for).

    Not saying it's not possible but it's not a definitive so unless you're willing to take a big risk w your heart, I would proceed very very cautiously, dial things back, and scale down your expectations.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    do you guys think we need to slow things down??? we have shared a lot with each other over the past month and half ... A LOT. good and bad. and yes the physically intimacy is there and GREAT and definitely causing attachment and clouding judgement ... ugh. i know my codependency is trying to cater to his insecurities - i will definitely try to be myself and not cater to him. thats all i can do. need to get over my codependency issues, am working on it. i felt like he was helping with that -
    YES. I think you should try to actually date him - go to dinner and go home alone, go to a movie, go to an art exhibit, meet for lunch - whatever constitutes "dating" in your area. Not Netflix and chill.

  3. #13
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    No one can "help" you with your codependency issues. Those are yours.

    I do agree you once again rushed in. Just because you two haven't decided to call yourselves "in a relationship" doesn't mean you don't think of yourself as in one with him. Do you?

    And why always rushing? What are you hiding from?

  4. #14
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    where are you getting this? he has told me he needs time but he sees a future with me, see us being together in the near future, calls me his girl, i have met most of his friends. told me i was different. invited me to his parents for Easter.

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  6. #15
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    we do mix in dating here and there. lunch. we have met for dinner and left separately

    IDK!! i wish i knew why things always move so fast with me in these situations!!! not sure what i am hiding from?????

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    >>we both wouldnt be dating if we werent looking for something more.


    May I ask where you got this^^ from?

    I agree with abitbroken, there are many many people who date who are not looking for a commitment.

    He has already told you he is not looking for a commitment, told you he was worried because he senses you are!

    It does not matter that he goes through all the same motions a guy looking for a commitment does, he flat out told he is not looking for (translation: he does not want) a commitment and if you were smart you'd be listening to that, and not telling yourself stories that if and when he ever falls in love w you, he will change his mind (assuming that is what you're thinking and hoping for).

    Not saying it's not possible but it's not a definitive so unless you're willing to take a big risk w your heart, I would proceed very very cautiously, dial things back, and scale down your expectations.


    sorry this reply was for this one -

    where are you getting this? he has told me he needs time but he sees a future with me, see us being together in the near future, calls me his girl, i have met most of his friends. told me i was different. invited me to his parents for Easter.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    No one can "help" you with your codependency issues. Those are yours.

    I do agree you once again rushed in. Just because you two haven't decided to call yourselves "in a relationship" doesn't mean you don't think of yourself as in one with him. Do you?

    And why always rushing? What are you hiding from?

    and yes i do see myself with him already :( and unfortunately ive told him this already..... i have this "thing" about me where people immediately feel very comfortable around me, they feel they can be themselves, show everything about them without judgement, let loose, depend on me.. etc. its a gift and a curse. i think maybe thats another reason things tend to go very fast with me.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    where are you getting this? he has told me he needs time but he sees a future with me, see us being together in the near future, calls me his girl, i have met most of his friends. told me i was different. invited me to his parents for Easter.
    Easter with the family when you only met 3/20 is rushing things big time. He says he sees you "being together IN THE FUTURE" but he needs more time. If he had been looking for a commitment he would have slowed his roll,..not jumped in so quickly because he wanted to be sure. He would have actually gone on dates instead of sex the first day of meeting. you say he had "no intent on committing to someone"

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    sorry this reply was for this one -

    where are you getting this? he has told me he needs time but he sees a future with me, see us being together in the near future, calls me his girl, i have met most of his friends. told me i was different. invited me to his parents for Easter.
    He also said this (below):

    Originally Posted by BCC123

    Here is where it gets tricky and i am needing some advice. He has been single for 5-6 years with no intent of committing to someone. I am total opposite and have been in 4 back to back, long term relationships since i was 16. ranging from 2-7 years of being together. He knows this about me and lately has been opening up about how this worries him.
    So he tells you he has no intention of committing to someone but then tells you he sees a future with you. But that he needs time? Come on now, you know better than to believe this.

    Anyway, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is what is known as your classic "double message" quite common in dating today.

    He tells you where he's at (he doesn't want a commitment) but then follows up by telling you he sees a future with you and acts like a boyfriend but needs time -- all to keep you around until he gets bored or starts liking another woman, take your pick.

    Like I said, your choice to believe whatever message you want, for me I always listen to the first message, as more times than not that is the correct message.

    Just read this forum if you don't believe me. Many many threads from women in the same exact position as you, who ended up getting their hearts broken by some guy who was acting like her bf, telling her he sees a future, but in the end, never had any intention of committing to her.

    In any event, good luck to you, I hope it all works out the way you hope.

  11. #20
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    What Katrina said.

    If he has no intention of committing to someone, then everything thing he says is world class bull****.

    Look at what people do and not what they say.

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