I feel like I set a trap for myself

Hey everyone, my ex broke up with me 4 weeks ago and I've had strict NC after the first couple days of begging/pleading. Up until a couple days before the split he was talking to my family making professions of commitment to me, showing genuine gestures of love and commitment to me. He ended things in a huge argument that had been building due to outside stressors in both of our lives that we were having trouble coping with on our own.

I'm doing what I can to heal and move forward. I'm definitely still grieving the loss of the actual relationship and the shock of the split. It was messy and I ended up moving across the country back home. He has a huge life transition coming up where he is moving across the country near where I currently am in a couple months. So, NC is best for both of us. The second wave of grieving, or the accepting the loss of hope, will come in time, I think...

Anyway, when he broke up with me (and I don't need any shaming for this, I know it was disrespectful to him to say this) but I said that I see right through him and that he is super stressed and freaked out about life right now, and I have my own problems too. I agreed that we should take time and space, but that it would be a shame to forever throw out what we has because our lives got overly complicated for a couple months (individually, and we both had poor communication over our needs). I said "I know you love me and I love you and we are soul mates (he agreed) and we'll be back together. I'll give us space but I'll be in contact in a few months". He said he would agree to my intent to contact just so I would leave (ouch). He also said he thinks we should have limited contact in the future because we were best friends, and I said "absolutely not. I do not want you in my life as just a friend."

With each day of silence from him, I feel like he hates me more and more and is forgetting about me. I have no idea how he feels, in reality. I heard from our roommate (who I cut contact with as well) that he won't talk about it to anyone, even his friends of 7 years, and is just keeping to himself and working from sunup to sundown, limited socializing, pretty quiet and mopey. She said he is doing what he can to cope and he needs time and space.

So... at this point, I am still thinking that I 100% would reconcile with him, AFTER months have gone by because I want to be alone to work on myself and he needs to figure himself out. Question is... and maybe I'll have my answer after a couple more months... but should I reach out to him like I said I would? I feel like usually the ball is in the dumper's court, but since I said I would contact him, it's up to me, as he thinks I will be the one to reach out. Or, is the best route to just maintain NC past the 3 months I was initially planning on doing, and let him wonder where I've disappeared to?

I don't want to mess anything up, for my own healing and for a chance of reconciliation.

Also... My birthday is at the 2.5 month of post BU.

And the route he is taking to move (around 3 months post BU) goes directly through my hometown, where he knows I am. No kidding. It's the only main route. I'm scared for those milestones. :(

In my experience - people become different people when they experience traumatic loss of someone so very special in their lives. Sometimes it takes losing someone to realize what you had.

I'm a romantic though. I think it's a tragedy to let too much time pass, as we all move on eventually - there's a window for love...and I don't agree that people need to take time to "grow" and "learn"...and "find themselves" over a long amount of time. Sometimes we all learn lessons in an instant.

I do think from your story, you are wishing a bit too much though. If he misses you enough, he'll contact you. He's not NOT reaching out because of something you said. He's probably just processing things. :-(

It's hard to give advice because there's a lot we don't know on his side.

Relationships get tested when life gets difficult. This relationship didn't pass the test. It's probably best for you to work on accepting that and healing and moving on. You can't be with someone only when the sun is out and it's all smooth sailing. Sure, that part is fun, but when you are looking at realities of life, marriage, having children, you need a partner and a relationship that can withstand some major storms and stay strong and going no matter what.

Wanting to reconcile when you just broke up is normal. However, as you get back on your feet and start feeling better, you might find that this desire actually wanes. In fact, the less you focus on this idea of getting back together and the more you focus on getting your life on track, taking care of yourself, etc, the faster the desire will fade. You may well find yourself three months from now wondering why you stuck around with him as long as you did because in 20/20 hindsight, he wasn't all that after all.

Since he is now an ex, don't expect him to contact you on your b-day. Don't even think about that. Same for when he is moving or traveling. Try to put that out of your mind. He knows how to reach you if he wants to, but it might be best that you two don't. If 3 months down the road you just have to reach out, then reach out, just don't hold your breath that it will work out. Don't focus on these "milestones" you've set for yourself, because they are just your own creation. Focus on healing and doing better day to day. What can you do today that will make you smile that doesn't involve your ex?

Sorry for your pain.

You sound like you're doing everything right, processing feelings as they come, being good to yourself, not rushing through the stages. That's great, and really all you can do right now.

As for the specifics of your questions—well, I think what you're doing is just bargaining. And that's okay, but just recognize it. To get to where you really need to get—the stage of acceptance—you can't be operating on some 90 day clock or replaying that one exchange on repeat in your mind. Because the truth is that exchange doesn't really mean anything. Nothing, right now, means anything, save the fact that you are now broken up, single, and getting back on your feet.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but having been in your shoes a few times over it's the best, most honest advice I can give. You're flailing right now. He's flailing. Everyone, after a break up, flails. And everyone eventually lands on their feet, and we generally know we've landed on our feet when we stop trying to predict how we land and with whom we'll land with, if that makes sense.

Your relationship is over. It's over because you two no longer functioned together. Mourn that to accept that. What happens after that—with you, with him, with you together—is anyone's guess, the thing that time and the universe knows and will let you know when you start fully trusting time and the universe.

Relationships get tested when life gets difficult. This relationship didn't pass the test. It's probably best for you to work on accepting that and healing and moving on. You can't be with someone only when the sun is out and it's all smooth sailing. Sure, that part is fun, but when you are looking at realities of life, marriage, having children, you need a partner and a relationship that can withstand some major storms and stay strong and going no matter what.

This is a great piece of advice DancingFool. I forget this sometimes myself.

Relationships are WORK...even when both of you are at your best. You have to be with someone who isn't going to bail because there are a few bad days or weeks. That's what life is...and when you find someone who wants to put in the work...it really is so much better. We, as individuals in a relationship, have to be able to take a break from life and relax some...and not have to worry that our partner is going to bail on us because things get tough.

Your relationship is over. It's over because you two no longer functioned together. Mourn that to accept that.

That's true, but I Really don't like that tidbit of wisdom.

Some people learn from mistakes. Grow. Evolve. If BOTH people in a relationship do that...then shouldn't it be even better the second time around?

This is hypothetical...and assuming both people actually worked their butts off to grow and learn why they failed.

A break up is just a fight...only longer. lol

Cinder.

That's true, but I Really don't like that tidbit of wisdom.

 

Some people learn from mistakes. Grow. Evolve. If BOTH people in a relationship do that...then shouldn't it be even better the second time around?

 

This is hypothetical...and assuming both people actually worked their butts off to grow and learn why they failed.

 

A break up is just a fight...only longer. lol

 

Cinder.

You mean, in this hypothetical, if the same people reunite for Relationship 2.0?

I just want to clarify something before I start: You are NOT disrespectful for saying that you see right through him. Perhaps you did. Do not second guess yourself. If he was using you as a pincushion or a punching bag and not handling his stress properly, you have every right to warn him you are pulling the plug and do so if it comes to it. Once a break up occurs, it's generally finished. If two people can go through putting that kind of intense energy towards failing and then reconciling, that's a lot of wasted energy and I would never trust a person again (going forward, personally - been there, done that, wrote the book). Someone who puts you in the mindset where you are unable to cope and where you are unhealthy enough to determine that opting out IS the better option is NOT worth going back to. Personally, at this point in my life, I have spent too much time working on myself and investing in my partner for things to fail. If he wants to walk out, he can shut the door on his way out and I'd be welcome to the idea of him never returning, clean the mat, dust the house and will be totally at ease. I have no patience for the lack of focus or commitment. We are too old for that kind of slipshod attitude.

Having said all the above, you have to go through the motions and figure out what's best for you. Go ahead and write your own book if you want to. Everyone's versions are slightly different. Create your own limitations and boundaries for the future. You are entitled to that.

You mean, in this hypothetical, if the same people reunite for Relationship 2.0?

lol - yes.

Hypothetically...if both people didn't fall out of love/like...and there is something left in the tank, they should both be BETTER versions of themselves. PROVIDED they work on themselves and genuinely change.

Like...say one person left prematurely out of fear, or life stresses...or just made a wrong decision, etc...

That even could trigger both of them learn and growing and healing...

And yes...relationship 2.0 would be even stronger because not only are they better people, but they've endured something terrible and know they can be a team to take on life together.

It's just a theory. lol...

Like...a theory that needs to be written in articles, instead of the cliche "work on yourself, No contact, it was for the best...blah blah blah"

It's a nice theory, but for the fact that being in a relationship doesn't preclude a person from working on themselves, growing as a person, addressing problems and so on. In fact, long lasting relationships are about mutual and individual growth or else the relationships stagnate. Once you are married and have kids, you can't take a time out from being a parent and a good spouse because life is hard, you have problems to work through and so on. You have to have the strength for all of that. Running away to "improve yourself" is either too weak to make a good partner or an excuse to get out of the relationship you've already determined isn't for the long haul for you. Most of the time, it's actually the latter, a version of the "it's not you, it's me" line.

If he was the dumper, I'd rather just trust that if we were ever a meant to be deal, our paths will cross again someday when we're both on higher ground, but that's a place we'll both need to reach on our own. I would not contact him. He knows how to reach you if he ever decides that he wants to. Meanwhile, you'll have made progress in your own healing and will gain a better perspective from your own private higher ground.

Sure!

Look, I'm all for the possibility of reconciliation and generally not a big fan of "block, delete, NC" as the end goal of every romance that hits the skids. Two of my best friends are married to exes, for instance, and they're hands down the most inspiring marriages in my social circle.

I'm also all for the possibility of reconciliation coming in a different way—as, say, friends. I am great friends with two exes, and that's not because we kept the charge alive in some gross way but because we grew, evolved, and reconnected in a way that works.

Personally, some of my most profound periods of self-growth have occurred in the wake of breakups: spotting where I wasn't quite the man I want to be, where I wasn't coping with life in a manner that served my highest needs, and so on. And in the early days, sure, a lot of that growth was maybe triggered by the hope that, if I grew and she grew then, in time, together we'd grow as a couple once more.

But I don't think you really do all that growing, and that those lessons really sink in and harden into change, until you let go of the relationship. That means two things: accepting the hard but simple truth that it did not work, and becoming open to and comfortable with the idea that you may never, ever work again. Because if you don't do those things you are incapable of living in the present, but are instead living with one foot in the past and the other in a hypothetical future—a position that is a hindrance to real growth and forward movement.

Guess my point is that there is really no such thing as a relationship ending "prematurely." It ended...when it ended. When someone said "the end." Prematurely is emotional editorializing of things, no different from me saying a movie ended prematurely because I loved it so much I wanted 20 more minutes and believe the director could have added a few scenes.

Yeah, I can sit in the theater and keep staring at the blank screen, but what's that get me? It gets me alone in a dark room, replaying the movie in my head instead of cherishing what I did see and leaning into the glorious reality that I have no idea what I'll see next, but that I've got to leave the dark room to discover what that is.

All of which is to say that you only get a real 2.0 when you stop playing 1.0. For real. For good. It's not about what's "left in the tank." It's about emptying the tank completely so you can refuel. Maybe the next journey is with an ex, maybe not, but you're not going to get there with old gas corroding the tank.

How's that for a metaphor orgy?

Fantastic post, Bluecastle...

Me and my man were together for a very few months when in our life circumstances hit us hard. We ended. Actually I provoked him to end it and he did.

I went NC , he tried to see me a few times but I refused as he was telling me upfront he could not be my partner but missed me.

So I refused to meet and asked for space. After 3 months our circumstances changed again . .he found me and worked hard to get me back.

We had a few bumps ever since but are now together. I see that back than we were not equipped enough to deal with was a front of us.

I was concerned our relationship didn't pass test ....but it was more of a timing issue.

I got sick recently and he was so supportive and loving that I couldn't believe it. Now we are stronger and better partners for each other. I can tell we needed this break....

Do not contact him at all. Grief for a bit but than make yourself look your best self both inside and outside.

In a few months you may not even feel so strongly about him. Who knows? I never stopped thinking about my man....but I didn't contact him once.

Good luck

Good post Dancing Fool. I wish I had all this knowledge in my last relationship. lol

Just curious - how are both of your relationships now? Knowing all this?

I am excited for my next one, because I feel like I have improved upon so much of myself, and my communication skills...

I would HOPE you guys have had really positive ones recently (assuming you've had some bad ones since you're here)

bluecastle, thank you for your post. I dig the metaphors - they are wonderful. And everyone else's input, too. I appreciate the support.

I actually find solace in hearing things like "take a step back, whatever is meant to be will be, only the universe knows what will happen". Trouble is, I believe it for an hour, and then I'm back to square 1. I guess that's what an affirmation is, though. An exercise is repetition until you begin to truly believe it in your core. But I do think about the cases of reconciliation where dumpees (MONTHS down the line of NC) just go for it and be vulnerable and reach out, and then strong relationships are rebuilt.

I believe in true love and I'm also a realist: I believe that soul mates are still human beings with the capability to hurt others, walk away, and mess up. I also believe true love is capable of forgiveness, humility, and second chances. In my opinion, and I felt this way before I even met my ex, life is so much more complicated than "true love doesn't give up". We are really complex creatures with a lot of funky layers, and I think that some couples' journeys require different things to bring them together on a stronger foundation, whether that looks like a breakup and period of separation, or something else (I won't go into listing things!). And for other couples, sometimes it really isn't meant to work out.

50% of the time, I feel calm and accepting that it's over and something else so great is in store for me. How cool! 25% of the time, I think "of COURSE he is coming back to me. This is just what is necessary right now. I was a wonderful girlfriend despite mistakes that I humbly learned from, and he might even be contemplating right now wanting to get back together, but knows we need to cool off -which I agree with-." and the other 25% I'm sobbing and revert back to utter shock that 2 weeks before he dumped me he called my dad to assure him how committed he was to me and his intent to marry me when the time is right.

This is so exhausting, guys. And it doesn't stop at night! I dream of him every. single. night.

You are leaving out many relevant points, as to the reason for the break:

"Anyway, 2 weeks before breaking up he called my dad (he and my family often talked) to profess his love and commitment for me because I was afraid of moving across the country with him without a sign of marriage/financial security (moving for his career, not mine, so I didn't have anything lined up). He broke up with me 2 days later in a panic after I was hurtful and withdrawn during a time of relief for his job demands. A tortuous week of NC that ended in him drunkenly calling me home and saying he was hurt by me and needs time to recover but he is afraid of life without me, but he feels pressure to marry, he's never loved anyone like me, I'm the only person he wants to be with, he wants our life together and babies like we so often dreamed of, etc. A few days of awkward reconciliation, going to the grocery together, dog park, normal stuff. We love each other but are both hurt. This is all the same week as his upcomimg huge 7 year PhD defense, btw. Extreme stress for a guy that typically swallows hard feelings.

He needs time and space to celebrate after his presentation with people from out of town and that need wasnt communicated like, AT ALL. So I get paranoid and call/text like a crazy person with no response for 3 days. He comes home and says he is still extremely stressed from work and celebrating didn't help, he feels I didn't respect his time and space. I wake him up from a nap to tell him when it comes down to it I love him and am willing to work through this tough time, to compromise, heal my own problems and work to grow our relationship again. He flips out and flat out tells me to move. Back home. Across the country to my family. That he loves me deeply, I'm the love of his life but it won't work and even of it could work, he wouldn't want it to. He never wants to see or hear from me again. He drives off, leaving me to pack what I can in my car. I throw up from shock and am the biggest mess I've ever been.

I stay at a friend's place and the next AM come home before I drive. I tell him he owes it to me to talk before I drive 2000 miles distraught. He is eerily calm and cold and the person I love is GONE. He sits on the opposite end of the porch while I calmly but sternly say that I see right through him, that he is scared as hell for things in his life and things got hard with the layers of our lives but I know he just needs time and space to heal, travel and recover for a couple months before his postdoc move (which is only 7 hours away from where I left for, back home with my family). I tell him I love him, I know he loves me, but he is acting like his dad (who he does not like) and shutting himself down out of survival and fear. He is almost snidely laughing at me (COMPLETELY out of character for him to do with anyone). I told him I'm leaving for myself but also for our relationship, and I'll contact him in a few months. He said he will just say he agrees with that just so I'll leave. He told me 'this is a breakup. Not a break. You should leave before you say more bad things. I'm not my dad. I'm not my dad. I don't know how I'll feel in a couple months. I think we should have very limited contact at some point because we were best friends for 2 years.' He is like, repeating these things, like he is clinging to not having a nervous breakdown. He tries to hug me. I try to kiss his neck and he dramatically pulls away and turns to go inside.

Guys, at this point I'm still so shocked. But I keep my composure and leave, saying 'ok, well I love you and know you love me so I'll be in touch.' Get in my car and drive 2000 miles in 2 days. The worst thing I have ever experienced. The day I left as I drove I did call him a bunch and he answered once, saying 'this isn't what I signed up for. I need time and space to close my heart off to you and to think about our future.' What a contradiction!"

He treated you very badly, but you continue to chose to ignore the past. You need to be honest with your audience.

He laughed at you when you told him you loved him. How can you ever forget that? He also ghosted you for three days, and did not include you in a very important celebration. The best bit, he through you out, and you had to make a 2,000 drive.

I don't get it, OP.

I don't believe in soulmates. I think it's a flawed idea. Souls are meant to be free, unfettered and unbound. My belief is when we die, we return back to the heart of that freedom. In the living sense, we are also bound to nothing else, no other loyalties, but to our true selves. That's how we live authentically together and part ways authentically.

Please don’t hang out for those “milestones”

You are simply delaying your grief.

When he doesn’t contact you on your birthday and doesn’t stop by en route, when’s your next “milestone” and next after that?

Even if he DID contact you at those times it would be from a place of nostalgia only.

IF he wanted a reconciliation that was genuine , he would contact you before then.

So instead of waiting for your birthday to arrive , plan a birthday bash with friends and family who actually do love you.

And expect not to hear from him.

Good luck!

I don't believe in soulmates. I think it's a flawed idea. Souls are meant to be free, unfettered and unbound. My belief is when we die, we return back to the heart of that freedom. In the living sense, we are also bound to nothing else, no other loyalties, but to our true selves. That's how we live authentically together and part ways authentically.

I believe in soulmates.

I just believe they are made, not found.

Through hard work, perserverance, patience...compassion, forgiveness...overcoming traumatic events and learning...etc...

Update:

I mailed a package to him of belongings I found with a business-like note reading "found these in a box from when we moved. Take care."

A few days later I got a letter from him with my portion of the month's rent that we prepaid, and a note that said "*******, hope you're well and healing. Enclosed is your portion of the rent check. Love, ******".

The check and letter are dated the same day he received my package.

It's been about a week and I haven't responded. My family and friends think he is testing the waters. He is not a manipulative person and is a very contemplative individual - this was not a letter he scribbled off in haste.

I just find it odd that he even wrote a note when I was expecting a check in the first place, and also he sent this letter but not any of my stuff I wanted back.

That's ok. It doesn't require a response. It's a check and a statement.

I got a letter from him with my portion of the month's rent that we prepaid, and a note that said "*******, hope you're well and healing. Enclosed is your portion of the rent check. Love, ******".

 

It's been about a week and I haven't responded. M