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Thread: I feel like I set a trap for myself

  1. #1
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    I feel like I set a trap for myself

    Hey everyone, my ex broke up with me 4 weeks ago and I've had strict NC after the first couple days of begging/pleading. Up until a couple days before the split he was talking to my family making professions of commitment to me, showing genuine gestures of love and commitment to me. He ended things in a huge argument that had been building due to outside stressors in both of our lives that we were having trouble coping with on our own.

    I'm doing what I can to heal and move forward. I'm definitely still grieving the loss of the actual relationship and the shock of the split. It was messy and I ended up moving across the country back home. He has a huge life transition coming up where he is moving across the country near where I currently am in a couple months. So, NC is best for both of us. The second wave of grieving, or the accepting the loss of hope, will come in time, I think...

    Anyway, when he broke up with me (and I don't need any shaming for this, I know it was disrespectful to him to say this) but I said that I see right through him and that he is super stressed and freaked out about life right now, and I have my own problems too. I agreed that we should take time and space, but that it would be a shame to forever throw out what we has because our lives got overly complicated for a couple months (individually, and we both had poor communication over our needs). I said "I know you love me and I love you and we are soul mates (he agreed) and we'll be back together. I'll give us space but I'll be in contact in a few months". He said he would agree to my intent to contact just so I would leave (ouch). He also said he thinks we should have limited contact in the future because we were best friends, and I said "absolutely not. I do not want you in my life as just a friend."

    With each day of silence from him, I feel like he hates me more and more and is forgetting about me. I have no idea how he feels, in reality. I heard from our roommate (who I cut contact with as well) that he won't talk about it to anyone, even his friends of 7 years, and is just keeping to himself and working from sunup to sundown, limited socializing, pretty quiet and mopey. She said he is doing what he can to cope and he needs time and space.

    So... at this point, I am still thinking that I 100% would reconcile with him, AFTER months have gone by because I want to be alone to work on myself and he needs to figure himself out. Question is... and maybe I'll have my answer after a couple more months... but should I reach out to him like I said I would? I feel like usually the ball is in the dumper's court, but since I said I would contact him, it's up to me, as he thinks I will be the one to reach out. Or, is the best route to just maintain NC past the 3 months I was initially planning on doing, and let him wonder where I've disappeared to?

    I don't want to mess anything up, for my own healing and for a chance of reconciliation.
    Also... My birthday is at the 2.5 month of post BU.
    And the route he is taking to move (around 3 months post BU) goes directly through my hometown, where he knows I am. No kidding. It's the only main route. I'm scared for those milestones. :(
    Last edited by Swbymid; 05-03-2019 at 12:17 PM.

  2. #2
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    In my experience - people become different people when they experience traumatic loss of someone so very special in their lives. Sometimes it takes losing someone to realize what you had.


    I'm a romantic though. I think it's a tragedy to let too much time pass, as we all move on eventually - there's a window for love...and I don't agree that people need to take time to "grow" and "learn"...and "find themselves" over a long amount of time. Sometimes we all learn lessons in an instant.

    I do think from your story, you are wishing a bit too much though. If he misses you enough, he'll contact you. He's not NOT reaching out because of something you said. He's probably just processing things. :-(

    It's hard to give advice because there's a lot we don't know on his side.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Relationships get tested when life gets difficult. This relationship didn't pass the test. It's probably best for you to work on accepting that and healing and moving on. You can't be with someone only when the sun is out and it's all smooth sailing. Sure, that part is fun, but when you are looking at realities of life, marriage, having children, you need a partner and a relationship that can withstand some major storms and stay strong and going no matter what.

    Wanting to reconcile when you just broke up is normal. However, as you get back on your feet and start feeling better, you might find that this desire actually wanes. In fact, the less you focus on this idea of getting back together and the more you focus on getting your life on track, taking care of yourself, etc, the faster the desire will fade. You may well find yourself three months from now wondering why you stuck around with him as long as you did because in 20/20 hindsight, he wasn't all that after all.

    Since he is now an ex, don't expect him to contact you on your b-day. Don't even think about that. Same for when he is moving or traveling. Try to put that out of your mind. He knows how to reach you if he wants to, but it might be best that you two don't. If 3 months down the road you just have to reach out, then reach out, just don't hold your breath that it will work out. Don't focus on these "milestones" you've set for yourself, because they are just your own creation. Focus on healing and doing better day to day. What can you do today that will make you smile that doesn't involve your ex?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for your pain.

    You sound like you're doing everything right, processing feelings as they come, being good to yourself, not rushing through the stages. That's great, and really all you can do right now.

    As for the specifics of your questions—well, I think what you're doing is just bargaining. And that's okay, but just recognize it. To get to where you really need to get—the stage of acceptance—you can't be operating on some 90 day clock or replaying that one exchange on repeat in your mind. Because the truth is that exchange doesn't really mean anything. Nothing, right now, means anything, save the fact that you are now broken up, single, and getting back on your feet.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but having been in your shoes a few times over it's the best, most honest advice I can give. You're flailing right now. He's flailing. Everyone, after a break up, flails. And everyone eventually lands on their feet, and we generally know we've landed on our feet when we stop trying to predict how we land and with whom we'll land with, if that makes sense.

    Your relationship is over. It's over because you two no longer functioned together. Mourn that to accept that. What happens after that—with you, with him, with you together—is anyone's guess, the thing that time and the universe knows and will let you know when you start fully trusting time and the universe.

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Relationships get tested when life gets difficult. This relationship didn't pass the test. It's probably best for you to work on accepting that and healing and moving on. You can't be with someone only when the sun is out and it's all smooth sailing. Sure, that part is fun, but when you are looking at realities of life, marriage, having children, you need a partner and a relationship that can withstand some major storms and stay strong and going no matter what.
    This is a great piece of advice DancingFool. I forget this sometimes myself.

    Relationships are WORK...even when both of you are at your best. You have to be with someone who isn't going to bail because there are a few bad days or weeks. That's what life is...and when you find someone who wants to put in the work...it really is so much better. We, as individuals in a relationship, have to be able to take a break from life and relax some...and not have to worry that our partner is going to bail on us because things get tough.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Your relationship is over. It's over because you two no longer functioned together. Mourn that to accept that.
    That's true, but I Really don't like that tidbit of wisdom.

    Some people learn from mistakes. Grow. Evolve. If BOTH people in a relationship do that...then shouldn't it be even better the second time around?

    This is hypothetical...and assuming both people actually worked their butts off to grow and learn why they failed.

    A break up is just a fight...only longer. lol

    Cinder.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cinder
    That's true, but I Really don't like that tidbit of wisdom.

    Some people learn from mistakes. Grow. Evolve. If BOTH people in a relationship do that...then shouldn't it be even better the second time around?

    This is hypothetical...and assuming both people actually worked their butts off to grow and learn why they failed.

    A break up is just a fight...only longer. lol

    Cinder.
    You mean, in this hypothetical, if the same people reunite for Relationship 2.0?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I just want to clarify something before I start: You are NOT disrespectful for saying that you see right through him. Perhaps you did. Do not second guess yourself. If he was using you as a pincushion or a punching bag and not handling his stress properly, you have every right to warn him you are pulling the plug and do so if it comes to it. Once a break up occurs, it's generally finished. If two people can go through putting that kind of intense energy towards failing and then reconciling, that's a lot of wasted energy and I would never trust a person again (going forward, personally - been there, done that, wrote the book). Someone who puts you in the mindset where you are unable to cope and where you are unhealthy enough to determine that opting out IS the better option is NOT worth going back to. Personally, at this point in my life, I have spent too much time working on myself and investing in my partner for things to fail. If he wants to walk out, he can shut the door on his way out and I'd be welcome to the idea of him never returning, clean the mat, dust the house and will be totally at ease. I have no patience for the lack of focus or commitment. We are too old for that kind of slipshod attitude.

    Having said all the above, you have to go through the motions and figure out what's best for you. Go ahead and write your own book if you want to. Everyone's versions are slightly different. Create your own limitations and boundaries for the future. You are entitled to that.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You mean, in this hypothetical, if the same people reunite for Relationship 2.0?
    lol - yes.

    Hypothetically...if both people didn't fall out of love/like...and there is something left in the tank, they should both be BETTER versions of themselves. PROVIDED they work on themselves and genuinely change.

    Like...say one person left prematurely out of fear, or life stresses...or just made a wrong decision, etc...

    That even could trigger both of them learn and growing and healing...

    And yes...relationship 2.0 would be even stronger because not only are they better people, but they've endured something terrible and know they can be a team to take on life together.

    It's just a theory. lol...

    Like...a theory that needs to be written in articles, instead of the cliche "work on yourself, No contact, it was for the best...blah blah blah"

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's a nice theory, but for the fact that being in a relationship doesn't preclude a person from working on themselves, growing as a person, addressing problems and so on. In fact, long lasting relationships are about mutual and individual growth or else the relationships stagnate. Once you are married and have kids, you can't take a time out from being a parent and a good spouse because life is hard, you have problems to work through and so on. You have to have the strength for all of that. Running away to "improve yourself" is either too weak to make a good partner or an excuse to get out of the relationship you've already determined isn't for the long haul for you. Most of the time, it's actually the latter, a version of the "it's not you, it's me" line.

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