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Thread: I feel like I set a trap for myself

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If he was the dumper, I'd rather just trust that if we were ever a meant to be deal, our paths will cross again someday when we're both on higher ground, but that's a place we'll both need to reach on our own. I would not contact him. He knows how to reach you if he ever decides that he wants to. Meanwhile, you'll have made progress in your own healing and will gain a better perspective from your own private higher ground.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sure!

    Look, I'm all for the possibility of reconciliation and generally not a big fan of "block, delete, NC" as the end goal of every romance that hits the skids. Two of my best friends are married to exes, for instance, and they're hands down the most inspiring marriages in my social circle.

    I'm also all for the possibility of reconciliation coming in a different way—as, say, friends. I am great friends with two exes, and that's not because we kept the charge alive in some gross way but because we grew, evolved, and reconnected in a way that works.

    Personally, some of my most profound periods of self-growth have occurred in the wake of breakups: spotting where I wasn't quite the man I want to be, where I wasn't coping with life in a manner that served my highest needs, and so on. And in the early days, sure, a lot of that growth was maybe triggered by the hope that, if I grew and she grew then, in time, together we'd grow as a couple once more.

    But I don't think you really do all that growing, and that those lessons really sink in and harden into change, until you let go of the relationship. That means two things: accepting the hard but simple truth that it did not work, and becoming open to and comfortable with the idea that you may never, ever work again. Because if you don't do those things you are incapable of living in the present, but are instead living with one foot in the past and the other in a hypothetical future—a position that is a hindrance to real growth and forward movement.

    Guess my point is that there is really no such thing as a relationship ending "prematurely." It ended...when it ended. When someone said "the end." Prematurely is emotional editorializing of things, no different from me saying a movie ended prematurely because I loved it so much I wanted 20 more minutes and believe the director could have added a few scenes.

    Yeah, I can sit in the theater and keep staring at the blank screen, but what's that get me? It gets me alone in a dark room, replaying the movie in my head instead of cherishing what I did see and leaning into the glorious reality that I have no idea what I'll see next, but that I've got to leave the dark room to discover what that is.

    All of which is to say that you only get a real 2.0 when you stop playing 1.0. For real. For good. It's not about what's "left in the tank." It's about emptying the tank completely so you can refuel. Maybe the next journey is with an ex, maybe not, but you're not going to get there with old gas corroding the tank.

    How's that for a metaphor orgy?

  3. #13
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    Fantastic post, Bluecastle...

  4. #14
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    Me and my man were together for a very few months when in our life circumstances hit us hard. We ended. Actually I provoked him to end it and he did.
    I went NC , he tried to see me a few times but I refused as he was telling me upfront he could not be my partner but missed me.
    So I refused to meet and asked for space. After 3 months our circumstances changed again . .he found me and worked hard to get me back.
    We had a few bumps ever since but are now together. I see that back than we were not equipped enough to deal with was a front of us.
    I was concerned our relationship didn't pass test ....but it was more of a timing issue.
    I got sick recently and he was so supportive and loving that I couldn't believe it. Now we are stronger and better partners for each other. I can tell we needed this break....
    Do not contact him at all. Grief for a bit but than make yourself look your best self both inside and outside.
    In a few months you may not even feel so strongly about him. Who knows? I never stopped thinking about my man....but I didn't contact him once.
    Good luck

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  6. #15
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    Good post Dancing Fool. I wish I had all this knowledge in my last relationship. lol

    Just curious - how are both of your relationships now? Knowing all this?

    I am excited for my next one, because I feel like I have improved upon so much of myself, and my communication skills...

    I would HOPE you guys have had really positive ones recently (assuming you've had some bad ones since you're here)

  7. #16
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    bluecastle, thank you for your post. I dig the metaphors - they are wonderful. And everyone else's input, too. I appreciate the support.

    I actually find solace in hearing things like "take a step back, whatever is meant to be will be, only the universe knows what will happen". Trouble is, I believe it for an hour, and then I'm back to square 1. I guess that's what an affirmation is, though. An exercise is repetition until you begin to truly believe it in your core. But I do think about the cases of reconciliation where dumpees (MONTHS down the line of NC) just go for it and be vulnerable and reach out, and then strong relationships are rebuilt.

    I believe in true love and I'm also a realist: I believe that soul mates are still human beings with the capability to hurt others, walk away, and mess up. I also believe true love is capable of forgiveness, humility, and second chances. In my opinion, and I felt this way before I even met my ex, life is so much more complicated than "true love doesn't give up". We are really complex creatures with a lot of funky layers, and I think that some couples' journeys require different things to bring them together on a stronger foundation, whether that looks like a breakup and period of separation, or something else (I won't go into listing things!). And for other couples, sometimes it really isn't meant to work out.

    50% of the time, I feel calm and accepting that it's over and something else so great is in store for me. How cool! 25% of the time, I think "of COURSE he is coming back to me. This is just what is necessary right now. I was a wonderful girlfriend despite mistakes that I humbly learned from, and he might even be contemplating right now wanting to get back together, but knows we need to cool off -which I agree with-." and the other 25% I'm sobbing and revert back to utter shock that 2 weeks before he dumped me he called my dad to assure him how committed he was to me and his intent to marry me when the time is right.

    This is so exhausting, guys. And it doesn't stop at night! I dream of him every. single. night.

  8. #17
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    You are leaving out many relevant points, as to the reason for the break:

    "Anyway, 2 weeks before breaking up he called my dad (he and my family often talked) to profess his love and commitment for me because I was afraid of moving across the country with him without a sign of marriage/financial security (moving for his career, not mine, so I didn't have anything lined up). He broke up with me 2 days later in a panic after I was hurtful and withdrawn during a time of relief for his job demands. A tortuous week of NC that ended in him drunkenly calling me home and saying he was hurt by me and needs time to recover but he is afraid of life without me, but he feels pressure to marry, he's never loved anyone like me, I'm the only person he wants to be with, he wants our life together and babies like we so often dreamed of, etc. A few days of awkward reconciliation, going to the grocery together, dog park, normal stuff. We love each other but are both hurt. This is all the same week as his upcomimg huge 7 year PhD defense, btw. Extreme stress for a guy that typically swallows hard feelings.

    He needs time and space to celebrate after his presentation with people from out of town and that need wasnt communicated like, AT ALL. So I get paranoid and call/text like a crazy person with no response for 3 days. He comes home and says he is still extremely stressed from work and celebrating didn't help, he feels I didn't respect his time and space. I wake him up from a nap to tell him when it comes down to it I love him and am willing to work through this tough time, to compromise, heal my own problems and work to grow our relationship again. He flips out and flat out tells me to move. Back home. Across the country to my family. That he loves me deeply, I'm the love of his life but it won't work and even of it could work, he wouldn't want it to. He never wants to see or hear from me again. He drives off, leaving me to pack what I can in my car. I throw up from shock and am the biggest mess I've ever been.

    I stay at a friend's place and the next AM come home before I drive. I tell him he owes it to me to talk before I drive 2000 miles distraught. He is eerily calm and cold and the person I love is GONE. He sits on the opposite end of the porch while I calmly but sternly say that I see right through him, that he is scared as hell for things in his life and things got hard with the layers of our lives but I know he just needs time and space to heal, travel and recover for a couple months before his postdoc move (which is only 7 hours away from where I left for, back home with my family). I tell him I love him, I know he loves me, but he is acting like his dad (who he does not like) and shutting himself down out of survival and fear. He is almost snidely laughing at me (COMPLETELY out of character for him to do with anyone). I told him I'm leaving for myself but also for our relationship, and I'll contact him in a few months. He said he will just say he agrees with that just so I'll leave. He told me 'this is a breakup. Not a break. You should leave before you say more bad things. I'm not my dad. I'm not my dad. I don't know how I'll feel in a couple months. I think we should have very limited contact at some point because we were best friends for 2 years.' He is like, repeating these things, like he is clinging to not having a nervous breakdown. He tries to hug me. I try to kiss his neck and he dramatically pulls away and turns to go inside.

    Guys, at this point I'm still so shocked. But I keep my composure and leave, saying 'ok, well I love you and know you love me so I'll be in touch.' Get in my car and drive 2000 miles in 2 days. The worst thing I have ever experienced. The day I left as I drove I did call him a bunch and he answered once, saying 'this isn't what I signed up for. I need time and space to close my heart off to you and to think about our future.' What a contradiction!"


    He treated you very badly, but you continue to chose to ignore the past. You need to be honest with your audience.

    He laughed at you when you told him you loved him. How can you ever forget that? He also ghosted you for three days, and did not include you in a very important celebration. The best bit, he through you out, and you had to make a 2,000 drive.

    I don't get it, OP.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 05-03-2019 at 09:28 PM.

  9. #18
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't believe in soulmates. I think it's a flawed idea. Souls are meant to be free, unfettered and unbound. My belief is when we die, we return back to the heart of that freedom. In the living sense, we are also bound to nothing else, no other loyalties, but to our true selves. That's how we live authentically together and part ways authentically.

  10. #19
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    Please don’t hang out for those “milestones”
    You are simply delaying your grief.
    When he doesn’t contact you on your birthday and doesn’t stop by en route, when’s your next “milestone” and next after that?

    Even if he DID contact you at those times it would be from a place of nostalgia only.
    IF he wanted a reconciliation that was genuine , he would contact you before then.

    So instead of waiting for your birthday to arrive , plan a birthday bash with friends and family who actually do love you.
    And expect not to hear from him.

    Good luck!

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't believe in soulmates. I think it's a flawed idea. Souls are meant to be free, unfettered and unbound. My belief is when we die, we return back to the heart of that freedom. In the living sense, we are also bound to nothing else, no other loyalties, but to our true selves. That's how we live authentically together and part ways authentically.
    I believe in soulmates.

    I just believe they are made, not found.

    Through hard work, perserverance, patience...compassion, forgiveness...overcoming traumatic events and learning...etc...

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