Selfish Codependence and Hair Transplants Abroad

OK so we could be here all day talking about the difficulties in my relationship but I think I'll save the bulk for another forum.

I have only just realised that I have tried to seek dependency on my partner without knowing it. Which he has refused to give for the whole time.

This has pushed him further away which has given me great anxiety and stress. I thought I'd not made any friends in this new area because I was married and tried hard to make that work, and now ' divorced and in another relationship and trying hard to make this work.

I realise that I'm trying to hard and losing who I am in the process. I'm having counselling once a week and I just brought up my revelations. Let's just say I'm trying very hard to stop putting on pressure in the relationship and find my own self again. I am terribly IN love with this man. I know that's true because it's different to my ex husband who I loved because he gave me security and stability.

So we have been arguing every single day for a few weeks until I had these revelations. Now it's been 4 days since we had a row. Usually it's about how he's so selfish and all bout himself and doing what he wants when he wants how he wants and me talking to a brick wall trying to make plans with him for the future and holidays etc. He always comes back to that if I put less pressure on then we could both be in a much better place. Though I feel (for good reason or just cus of my anxiety) that if I leave him to it he just gets what he wants even more and it's easier for him. I feel like he doesn't ever want to do anything with me unless on his terms.

Anyway back to topic. He has wanted a hair transplant since for about two decades and he's finally going to have it done. I know it's important to him, but the flights cost isn't cheap and will wipe out a chunk of my savings that I can not justify right now with the uncertainty of our relationship. I have just started to rebuild my savings for use as a safety net as I live at his home.

I told him in s sensible way last night that I won't be going and gave my real reasons. I also said it will be good for us to spend some time apart here and there too. I asked what he thought. He said he will decide in the next few days if he needs me to go or not. I simply said "No" thats my final choice. He went very quiet with me.

My question is I guess that am I being unreasonable and am I doing the right thing giving us space, giving me time on my own to grow independently etc?

I'm sorry if my message is all messy and jumbled. I've been dealing with a lot for the last 2 years and had no-one to really talk to about any of it properly.

If you can’t afford to go then you can’t.

But it sounds like you can afford to go but it’s not a priority for you , saving the money for something else , perhaps just savings for a rainy day .

Was he intending to make a holiday out of the hair transplant trip or was it just going there for that?

And is he going overseas to have the procedure because it’s cheaper to do it that way despite the cost of flights and accomodation?

By living with him , are you spending less on living expenses than if not?

And is he willing to pay for your airfare?

How long have you been dating? Why would he "need you to go" to have vanity treatments? Time apart to reflect on the arguments, incompatibilities and problems would serve you much better than wasting time and money on his hair transplant trip.

He said he will decide in the next few days if he needs me to go or not.

It was just for the hair transplant. It's for 3 nights as they do it on day 1 and then assess him over a few days before he flies home. There wont really be any holiday time as the surgery will take a while days and then he'll be in pain for a few weeks after.

He's having it in Turkey because they have better surgeons for better prices and they include accommodation.

We both live with his family who's house is paid for and they own it. We both pay our own boarding costs.

He is unwilling to pay airfare, although he earns much more and has more savings. (not sure if I'd like him to do that anyway, though an offer might work)

He said he'll take a friend instead.

We have been dating for 2 years. he said it's a pretty big and involved procedure. I agree with the last part of your comment. I just wondered if I was being unreasonable.

It was just for the hair transplant. It's for 3 nights as they do it on day 1 and then assess him over a few days before he flies home. There wont really be any holiday time as the surgery will take a while days and then he'll be in pain for a few weeks after.

 

He's having it in Turkey because they have better surgeons for better prices and they include accommodation.

 

We both live with his family who's house is paid for and they own it. We both pay our own boarding costs.

 

He is unwilling to pay airfare, although he earns much more and has more savings. (not sure if I'd like him to do that anyway, though an offer might work)

 

He said he'll take a friend instead.

He said he will “take a friend” instead? Does that mean he will pay for the friend to go? Will that friend treat it like a holiday and go sight seeing while he is having his procedure? Or hold his hand?

But not happy to pay for you to go as he believes it is your duty? Or should want to go and be his nurse?

I wouldn’t go either!

Why are you living with his family?

May I ask what country you are currently in and if there are cultural differences between you?

He said he will “take a friend” instead? Does that mean he will pay for the friend to go? Will that friend treat it like a holiday and go sight seeing while he is having his procedure? Or hold his hand?

But not happy to pay for you to go as he believes it is your duty? Or should want to go and be his nurse?

 

I wouldn’t go either!

Why are you living with his family?

May I ask what country you are currently in and if there are cultural differences between you?

Sorry let me clarify, he never said he'd pay for his friend to go. I should imagine she would have to pay for her own flights. Or at least I would hope so! :O

I would imagine that she will go to some of his appointments with him and then spend some time sight seeing.

I live with his family because someone here needs ongoing care.

We are from a western country and both have the same cultures.

Don't go. In fact warn him about this surgery and to look into things before undergoing the procedure: https://qz.com/954680/in-turkeys-cutthroat-hair-transplant-tourism-industry-the-biggest-losers-are-the-patients-and-syrian-refugees/

Turkey may indeed be cheaper but I highly question whether they have better surgeons than the countries within the EU. I remember reading an article in the news recently about cheap hair transplants going wrog and Turkey was mentioned as a cautionary tale. Other than that, this is a medical procedure so he probably does need some friend/relative/partner on stand by in case he needs help while there. Someone I know had this procedure and it was no picnic.

Why are YOU paying for HIS flight to go get hair transplants?

Are you afraid to be "alone"?

Why are YOU paying for HIS flight to go get hair transplants?

 

Are you afraid to be "alone"?

I'm not paying this flight. I certainly didn't intend for anyone to think that's the case. I think maybe you read it wrong.

I'm not paying this flight. I certainly didn't intend for anyone to think that's the case. I think maybe you read it wrong.

"He has wanted a hair transplant since for about two decades and he's finally going to have it done. I know it's important to him, but the flights cost isn't cheap and will wipe out a chunk of my savings that I can not justify right now with the uncertainty of our relationship."

The word "flights" was plural, which led me to believe you were paying for both of your flights. I'm glad you are not actually paying his travel costs.

After reading your other thread it shows that he is controlling, manipulative, isolating and emotionally abusive.

The relationship is very unhealthy. You have zero voice and bend over backwards to cater to this guy, when he shows you zero love or respect. But, you show yourself no love or respect.

" he never came to the hospital because I'm selfish and I should have been there for him". This was after you were hospitalized for a suicide attempt.

He has been beating you down emotionally for a long time, and you have allowed it. You have completely lost yourself in a man who only tears you down.

Get out of his parent's house, end this disaster of a relationship.

This guy sounds like your ex.

"He has wanted a hair transplant since for about two decades and he's finally going to have it done. I know it's important to him, but the flights cost isn't cheap and will wipe out a chunk of my savings that I can not justify right now with the uncertainty of our relationship."

The word "flights" was plural, which led me to believe you were paying for both of your flights. I'm glad you are not actually paying his travel costs.

Sorry for the confusion.

and you have two threads going at the same time about the same relationship

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559240

and you have two threads going at the same time about the same relationship

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559240

At the time I kind of felt they were two different things I wanted help with but they've kind of merged. My bad.

I don't see what's the matter with letting him get his transplants on his own. It's a bit inconsiderate of him to expect you to wipe out your savings to accompany him and this isn't even a critical or life-saving operation. It's cosmetic. Please work on feeling a bit more confident about yourself and don't take on more than you can chew or feel guilty for looking out for yourself and your family.