Need advice. Contemplating separation.

I have been with my husband for 11 years now with 3 and a half years marriage. I love him and he is my best friend but the last couple of years have been tough. He injured his knee about 4 years ago just before our wedding. Now I have been very supportive taking him to doctors appointments, physio, doing exercises with him and helping with weight loss. When surgeries didn't help I researched other alternatives and took him to those appointments too. Now he can't put any weight on his leg so is on crutches and has been for 4 years which means he can't do much at home. He also isn't working and hasn't for 3 years (thank God for income protection) now for the last 6-12 months I have been having a hard time at work where my boss is a bully and I get anxious all the time. I then have to come home and sort out the house work and dinner and what medications he needs to take. I am now stressed out both at work and at home which has caused me to get sick. He has stopped his rehab or doing anything to get his knee better so that he can get back to work and live an easier life. I am left to do it all. I have spoken to him about all of this and how stressed I am about it all and that I feel like he doesn't want to get better and he makes an effort for a day or so and then stops. When we first got together I wanted kids.. but now I don't because I don't want to look after him and kids at the same time. I am now finding myself seeking professional help for depression and think I want to separate from my husband. Am I being unreasonable?

If he can get better, he should be making efforts to do so. But have you considered the possibility that he may be depressed as well?

Long term illnesses can start to take their toll.

Even if it's possible for him to go to physio and work to get back where he needs to be, it can be a very tough road to endure.

It takes a lot of work and by the sounds of it, he has had sets backs with it which too can be incredibly frustrating.

It can be tough as his partner to completely understand because, let's be honest here, you can't feel his pain and you might not know exactly how difficult it actually is.

This sounds like a serious issue to be honest . Does his doctor feel he can fully recover?

He might be just as stressed with it and as frustrated. I think anyone would being disabled like that.

If you want to save your marriage though, you need to sit down and talk to one another. Let him know how tough it's been for you, but don't make him feel guilty.

This is not about blame or who has it worse. This is about understanding one another and being sympathetic to each other.

You can ask him too how hard its been on him and if he is feeling like he can't make any progress or why he might have stopped trying.

You both need to make a plan for what you're going to go in order to move ahead. This is where you depression is coming from, you seem stuck in the same cycle and nothing changing or getting better.

Not only should you get counselling for depression but also support in order to deal with a partner who is dealing with a long term illness.

If he flat out refuses to move ahead and make any changes for the better, then you should consider telling him that you can't stay this way anymore, but this is obviously a last resort and only if you can't cooperate and compromise with one another.

I hope it get's better. It must be tough for you both.

Do you mind sharing what the knee problem is?

Can he walk or is he confined to a wheelchair?

Did he become physically dependent on narcotic pain medication? It's unusual to be this disabled this long.

What about a knee replacement?

What about amputation? I know of a boy who had a deformed leg. They did multiple surgeries, and he had to deal with so much pain. It was actually his choice to have his leg amputated (such a brave boy!). He gets around wonderfully with a prosthetic doing everything a boy can do. Rides his bike, plays sports, etc.

I know amputation is drastic, but if it can give him mobility and a pain free life, I think the choice is there. I would choose that than being in pain or in a wheel chair any day.

I have been with my husband for 11 years now with 3 and a half years marriage. I love him and he is my best friend but the last couple of years have been tough. He injured his knee about 4 years ago just before our wedding. Now I have been very supportive taking him to doctors appointments, physio, doing exercises with him and helping with weight loss. When surgeries didn't help I researched other alternatives and took him to those appointments too. Now he can't put any weight on his leg so is on crutches and has been for 4 years which means he can't do much at home. He also isn't working and hasn't for 3 years (thank God for income protection) now for the last 6-12 months I have been having a hard time at work where my boss is a bully and I get anxious all the time. I then have to come home and sort out the house work and dinner and what medications he needs to take. I am now stressed out both at work and at home which has caused me to get sick. He has stopped his rehab or doing anything to get his knee better so that he can get back to work and live an easier life. I am left to do it all. I have spoken to him about all of this and how stressed I am about it all and that I feel like he doesn't want to get better and he makes an effort for a day or so and then stops. When we first got together I wanted kids.. but now I don't because I don't want to look after him and kids at the same time. I am now finding myself seeking professional help for depression and think I want to separate from my husband. Am I being unreasonable?

You both need counseling, and I suggest you turn to his family for some support to help you guys out with the chores, shopping, yard work, and getting him to appointments.

A very old fashioned term comes to mind - malingering. When a person exaggerates their illness or pain in order to avoid working and dealing with basic life responsibilities.

4 years is a very long time not to adjust to the new reality of living with the disability and continuing to function, albeit in a new and limited way. A knee injury doesn't prevent him from doing a desk job or if he doesn't have the skills, getting those skills. While you can't expect him to mow the grass, he should be able to make dinner and do some basic clean up around the house, put laundry into the washer, etc.

I am speaking from the perspective of been there done that. I had dislocated my knee, not fun, don't try it at home. Took a couple of years to heal fully. However, as far as injuries go, this is not the kind of injury that leaves you completely disabled and incapable of doing every day life things. Sure, it limits some things, but not working for 4 years? Not excusable. Not contributing to household chores, like cooking or some basic clean up? Not excusable.

What stands out the most out of your post is that you are playing mommy to an adult. Why do you have to sort out his medications? He is an adult. If he needs them, he can figure out how to take them and when. This is a situation where if you care, you need to give him his adult autonomy back - leave him to do things for himself and if he doesn't, leave him to deal with the consequences. Don't complain how you are stressed and then keep changing his diapers. Just stop changing his diapers. Your actions here are more important and quite frankly, most men will only "hear" you when they see your actions. Otherwise...you are just nagging.

Basically, ask him to step up and stop enabling his behavior. You can be supportive, but there's no reason he shouldn't be trying or helping if he is able.

He has a knee injury that causes him to use a crutch.

What was his occupation pre injury?

And if that injury prevents him continuing that occupation , then yes that would result in a form of depression.

But there are jobs he can do to support a physical job he can no longer do.

Or seek another career?

He is not helpless but is acting so.

He doesn’t need a carer.

A very old fashioned term comes to mind - malingering. When a person exaggerates their illness or pain in order to avoid working and dealing with basic life responsibilities.

 

4 years is a very long time not to adjust to the new reality of living with the disability and continuing to function, albeit in a new and limited way. A knee injury doesn't prevent him from doing a desk job or if he doesn't have the skills, getting those skills. While you can't expect him to mow the grass, he should be able to make dinner and do some basic clean up around the house, put laundry into the washer, etc.

 

I am speaking from the perspective of been there done that. I had dislocated my knee, not fun, don't try it at home. Took a couple of years to heal fully. However, as far as injuries go, this is not the kind of injury that leaves you completely disabled and incapable of doing every day life things. Sure, it limits some things, but not working for 4 years? Not excusable. Not contributing to household chores, like cooking or some basic clean up? Not excusable.

 

What stands out the most out of your post is that you are playing mommy to an adult. Why do you have to sort out his medications? He is an adult. If he needs them, he can figure out how to take them and when. This is a situation where if you care, you need to give him his adult autonomy back - leave him to do things for himself and if he doesn't, leave him to deal with the consequences. Don't complain how you are stressed and then keep changing his diapers. Just stop changing his diapers. Your actions here are more important and quite frankly, most men will only "hear" you when they see your actions. Otherwise...you are just nagging.

Dancing Fool, you nailed it. "Malingering" is a perfect description of this guy