Someone else's constant lies.....am I being too sensitive?

And by someone else, I mean my sister.

She doesn't lie to me, or to anyone else specifically. It's more about the grand lies she tells, to the "world", and I am so sensitive to this, and it p*sses me off royally. But why?

Big lie: My brother and I went to a particular university. My sister, who is younger than us, did not go there. In fact, she couldn't even apply, as her high school grades + SAT scores were too low to even apply. But to the world, she did go there. And by "world", I mean her social media, LinkedIn, and resume! Oh.....apparently she even out-GPA'd me at her "non-existent" school! She has more school gear (t-shirts, etc.) than we do.

She's kept up the college lie for so many decades now that her teenage daughters now realize the lie, as they are applying to colleges, but my sister still insists that yes, she did go there. When my mom was alive, my mom helped her keep up the lie, and our father, who is still alive, just doesn't respond about it.

Newest big lie: She had hiatal hernia surgery and can't get food down, for several months now. She literally only gets a few bites of food at a time; she's maybe eating 1000 calories a day. But she's losing weight, so she doesn't want to ask her doctor about it. So today, she posted a huge Facebook "Before and Now" on how proud she is of her weight loss, and how she's been working "so hard", with about 10 pictures. Her not being able to keep food down is a big secret, as she doesn't tell anybody, so when she can't keep food down, she leaves the room. She's gotten hundreds of "Oh My Gosh, you look fabulous, you go girl!" posts, and she keeps responding with, "Well it's been hard work!" Not a single mention of her surgery, until her daughter finally got fed up and commented about it, and my sister wrote, "oh yes, surgery to repair something, and I've been working so hard!", nothing about the fact that that surgery has closed off access to her stomach, almost like a gastric bypass.

She's now doing that annoying thing of giving "advice" to everyone on Facebook about how they, too, can lose weight at this age; just takes hard work! (ugh).

I can't stand that she's getting credit for things she didn't do. She didn't go to college, yet "everyone" thinks she did. She didn't "work out and eat right"; yet everyone thinks she did.

But....be honest.....this is bugging me so much......am I being too sensitive here? And if so, why? Why does this bug me SO much? (these lies bother her daughters possibly more than me, as they bring them up to me all the time).

I think that it is sad that she has to make up all of these lies. It sounds like she has a big problem. Your mother never should have encouraged this behavior. What does her husband say?

I have friends like this, and I had to unfollow them on FB.

It looks like this is part of her character, so she wont be changing anytime soon.

Hide her posts so they cant annoy you.

I think that it is sad that she has to make up all of these lies. It sounds like she has a big problem. Your mother never should have encouraged this behavior. What does her husband say?

Her husband goes along with the lies. He’s the one who did her resume actually. But her daughters know the truth.

Imo, people who lie like that have an inferiority complex. If she really felt good about herself, she wouldn't be lying like that. At her age though, she likely won't change. You need to stop wasting so much energy on this. Stop focusing on her so much. That's who she is. Unfollow her if she bothers you so much. Accept it, let go, move your focus elsewhere.

Her husband goes along with the lies. He’s the one who did her resume actually. But her daughters know the truth.

Good grief. What did she say when you confronted her with the lies?

I agree with the others: unfollow her.

When you call her on the lie, she just continues to repeat it.

I just unfollowed her. But it’s not just a social media issue, as it’s just part of who she is. It’s pathological.

But I guess I just need to stop letting it get to me, as there is nothing I can do.

But I guess I just need to stop letting it get to me, as there is nothing I can do.

Sadly, I think it comes down to this.

Or, well, maybe allow it to get to you—or just acknowledge that it is a part of your life, like bad traffic, that is just going to frustrate you from time to time.

A little personal theory: We are all, at all times, kind of inhabiting three selves: our past self, our present self, and our aspirational self. The ideal—the mark of genuine self-possession—is to have the gaps between these selves to be as narrow as possible—so if, say, my aspirational self is that of an aspiring novelist who had a dark chapter it my 20s it means my present self is someone who is working very hard on a novel, not just sitting in bars and talking about the novel I'll write one day while drinking to soften the guilt over whatever I did in my 20s.

Your sister sounds like someone who failed, long ago, to close those gaps—who chose instead to stuff them with delusions that makes those gaps between past, present, and dreams seem less like chasms and more like cracks. And, as a result, they only became wider. Which is sad. And, to those close to her with a different approach to life, incredibly frustrating.

And that just sort of...is how it's going to go.

I could tell you plenty about my father where we could laugh in solidarity. He is, in his own mind, a 29 year old going through a rough patch in his marriage but who loves hanging out with his little boy. In reality he is 60whatever, long married to someone else, a father to another child who is now an adult, and that little boy he loves hanging with is me—an adult he has never known and can't look in the eye because it will shatter his delusions about who he actually is.

Which, needless to say, frustrates me from time to time. But you learn to live with it—and to laugh, and to be grateful of what you know to be your own truth and your ability to not get too spun around by those who have lost sight of certain truths, even when they share our blood and DNA.

It seems pathological and yes it might also be very exhausting and anxious inducing to keep all these lies as she probably associates it with her identity and would feel ashamed if people saw her real self. That's sad and not a happy life at all. It's very unlikely she'll change, so you need to learn to ignore it and not be bothered by it.

Also, don't employers check those things? When I applied to certain jobs I had to show my university certificate documents, but maybe it depends on the field a person works in.

Ugh. So sorry and yes for your sake you have to let it go however that looks/whatever that means to you. I too feel badly for her and my guess is her husband is just taking the easy way out. Truly unfair and incredibly irritating -can't even imagine!

Also, don't employers check those things? When I applied to certain jobs I had to show my university certificate documents, but maybe it depends on the field a person works in.

Well, interesting that you bring up employers. She's held retail sales floor jobs only, and no, those types of jobs don't check. But for the past few years, she's been applying to job after job outside of retail sales, not getting anywhere. She has this amazing, charming personality on first meet, and she says her interviews go great, but then....nothing. So I said, I think it's because they check the school, and she still won't take the school off her resume.

So she is in retail, doing a job she hates. Fortunately for her, she doesn't even need to work at all, given her husband's income. He's honestly a great guy, a great dad, etc., but for whatever reason, he not only turns the other cheek on her lies, he supports them.

Bluecastle--thanks so much for your openness and yes, your situation with your father does have similarities, in that there are delusions present. You pointed out that your father sees himself as a 29 year-old, hanging with his kid, and you know what? So apropos to my sister. She sees herself as this 20-something (she's over 50) in so many ways. Thank you for this link.

I need to figure out how to stop letting this get to me, so much.

It's that.....I worked so hard to get through school, as did my brother. I even finished college in 3 years, and my brother went on for an advanced degree. But here my sister skates, scooping up credit for having gone, when in reality, we all had to wait, the night of her high school graduation, for a phone call from her to see if she was even going to be on the list for graduation, her grades were so bad. And maybe I'm more upset that our mom supported this lie all along.

My sister lied to herself about her marriage -about how over the moon in love she was, about how "sure" she was about him (they got married 8 months after meeting, met through a print personal ad) - and for years after- close to 15-20 years. I can't "blame" her for this - I think many people do this - but it sure did impact my self esteem as I struggled to figure out why I wasn't "sure" like she was or able to commit as easily as she was (never realizing it was because she committed because she wanted the married mom label desperately and talked herself into being "in love" and sure about her now ex husband) . I share because I can relate how when it's a sibling -and the parents support the "lie" (my parents did, especially my mother who would make well-meaning but hurtful comments about how my sister was able to commit and love her husband and how it wasn't that difficult once you "choose" it). My parents were over the moon about my sister getting married ,settling down (wild child) and becoming a mom so they were kind of blinded too. I think your mother is doing the same -she is being mama bear she thinks -protecting her child from the harm of facing the world with the truth when lying lets her give a very different impression to the world.

I'd be disgusted and I've only had facebook friends and a few other friends who lied in this way -no one in my family. One who preyed on our sympathies about how her husband was leaving her with a small child because he decided he no longer wanted to be a dad -- when it turns out years later as she "confessed" she was having an affair (so maybe it was both but um yeah it's highly relevant information as to why a spouse might leave). And LHGirl I find it erodes my capacity to trust in general -makes me a lot more cautious about people's stories -which is a shame -I hope you don't have that feeling/experience.

My sister lied to herself about her marriage -about how over the moon in love she was, about how "sure" she was about him (they got married 8 months after meeting, met through a print personal ad) - and for years after- close to 15-20 years. I can't "blame" her for this - I think many people do this - but it sure did impact my self esteem as I struggled to figure out why I wasn't "sure" like she was or able to commit as easily as she was (never realizing it was because she committed because she wanted the married mom label desperately and talked herself into being "in love" and sure about her now ex husband) . I share because I can relate how when it's a sibling -and the parents support the "lie" (my parents did, especially my mother who would make well-meaning but hurtful comments about how my sister was able to commit and love her husband and how it wasn't that difficult once you "choose" it). My parents were over the moon about my sister getting married ,settling down (wild child) and becoming a mom so they were kind of blinded too. I think your mother is doing the same -she is being mama bear she thinks -protecting her child from the harm of facing the world with the truth when lying lets her give a very different impression to the world.

 

I'd be disgusted and I've only had facebook friends and a few other friends who lied in this way -no one in my family. One who preyed on our sympathies about how her husband was leaving her with a small child because he decided he no longer wanted to be a dad -- when it turns out years later as she "confessed" she was having an affair (so maybe it was both but um yeah it's highly relevant information as to why a spouse might leave). And LHGirl I find it erodes my capacity to trust in general -makes me a lot more cautious about people's stories -which is a shame -I hope you don't have that feeling/experience.

Thanks Batya, yes I totally relate! My sister, too, was the "wild child", so it was "so amazing" when she settled down, and my mother made a huge deal of it at her wedding.

I find so much of Facebook to be so disheartening with all the lies that get told. I'm like, now I know you and your husband aren't this "happy wonderful family" you're showing; I know that's not true, etc. I've gone on Facebook less & less lately because of it.

And maybe I'm more upset that our mom supported this lie all along.

Sounds like you may have found the deeper waters here. Perhaps that was a coping mechanism of sorts for your mother, her way of reconciling what may have been two very real feelings toward your sister: deep love and deep frustration, emphasizing the former to negate the latter, perhaps to keep her own frustrations with herself at bay.

I've noticed how my mother—with whom I am so very close—has a way of downplaying my own lesser traits, or chapters in my life where I was less than stellar, because it clashes with her own self-conception as The World's Greatest Mom Who Raised a Superstar. Because I am someone hellbent on the forever work of accepting who I am, flaws and all, this has led to small clashes over the years.

Anyhow, I can so understand your frustration. I'm a hard worker—also graduated in three years!—and have always (and will always) work hard on excavating my personal truth. That's a huge part of my identity; it's what allows me to sleep at night. Whenever I meet people who find workarounds to, well, hard work, be it professional work or self work, a little angry kid in me fumes. And I'm just talking about strangers, so to imagine if it was family—well, ouch. Or, well, hugs.

It'll be something that gets to you from time to time, and something you'll find new ways to manage and cope with, so it's a scratch and not a cut. Going back to my father—I have a lot of compassion for him, and my compassion for him is probably where my general compassion for people comes from. He is, at his core, a pretty sad dude. He gets by fine—has a job, knows how to charm people to keep the darker realities at bay—but I'm not sure he's able to look himself in the mirror in quite the way the rest of us can.

For the most part I feel for him. And sometimes? I really hate him, and have learned to acknowledge that and let it pass through me as a feeling I'm allowed to have. And that, I suspect, will be a big part of my story with him forever. If I was writing the Lifetime Movie version of my life, I'd tweak the characters a bit—but, alas, in real life I can only really work on myself.

am I being too sensitive here? And if so, why? Why does this bug me SO much?

I don't know why it bugs you (although I could probably come up with a couple of theories), but I do know that I would find it very irritating, too.

Whenever I meet people who find workarounds to, well, hard work, be it professional work or self work, a little angry kid in me fumes.

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I think Bluecastle hit the nail on the head here. Since I value my own work ethic so much, it really unnerves me to see others put in little to no effort, but get rewarded as though they did.

That’s precisely what’s happening with my sister here: she’s getting accolades for a weight loss that she didn’t do anything for, plus her ongoing college lie, that she gets high-fived for her having attended a school to which she couldn’t even apply.

It’s not just my sister, but as bluecastle said, anyone who skates by, as he said, which makes the little angry kid in me scream.

Thanks for helping me figure this out!

I think Bluecastle hit the nail on the head here. Since I value my own work ethic so much, it really unnerves me to see others put in little to no effort, but get rewarded as though they did.

 

That’s precisely what’s happening with my sister here: she’s getting accolades for a weight loss that she didn’t do anything for, plus her ongoing college lie, that she gets high-fived for her having attended a school to which she couldn’t even apply.

 

It’s not just my sister, but as bluecastle said, anyone who skates by, as he said, which makes the little angry kid in me scream.

 

Thanks for helping me figure this out!

Yes and you know what - I wouldn't personally dismiss it as "angry kid" -it's anyone -kid or adult -who has that sense of justice and work ethic and yes, we remind ourselves to just keep our noses to the grindstone, not compare, etc and it's human and normal to notice and get upset with injustice (consider the college admissions scandal and - from a different perspective if you were a student who honestly didn't know what your parents had done to get you in and now you're being looked at as an intruder/liar).

I have a friend who lost a lot of weight with the lap band. But it stopped working so effectively so she turned to one of those MLM diet shakes/programs. Lost a lot of weight that way and became a "consultant". She was extremely careful to do her before and after photos where before was post-surgery -so she didn't give the impression that the total weight loss was because of the shakes -and she also would explain that to clients, etc. Still, some who were also selling tried to undermine her by claiming she was lying about the extent of her weight loss (I am a total outsider to this so I had nothing to gain or lose, no bone to pick, pun intended)

Reading what you wrote LHGirl -it occurs to me that part of the problem here is when people like your sister lie that way -and when people like her get caught -it erodes trust even further (everyone should eye Facebook with a level of healthy suspicion of course) and hurts those who are making an honest living. A friend of mine graduated from a prestigious college and had years in the competitive publishing industry. But her resume included a lie about her masters degree -she didn't quite finish because her mother was dying at the time (which I totally believe!) but her resume said she had a degree. I remember she called me to tell me she interviewed for a plum job, and they were about to make her an offer and she realized they were going to do a full background check (which for some reason surprised her). She asked whether she should come clean then -honestly I wasn't that interested in helping her because she chose to lie. She did come clean, they did withdraw the offer. She was upset. I thought it was fair. And yes I looked at her differently after that and yes I believe she stopped having that lie on her resume which I saw as a really positive on her part.

It's not angry little kid -it's resentment/anger whatever at injustices like this. But in your case I also feel sadness for your sister.