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Thread: Someone else's constant lies.....am I being too sensitive?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Also, don't employers check those things? When I applied to certain jobs I had to show my university certificate documents, but maybe it depends on the field a person works in.
    Well, interesting that you bring up employers. She's held retail sales floor jobs only, and no, those types of jobs don't check. But for the past few years, she's been applying to job after job outside of retail sales, not getting anywhere. She has this amazing, charming personality on first meet, and she says her interviews go great, but then....nothing. So I said, I think it's because they check the school, and she still won't take the school off her resume.

    So she is in retail, doing a job she hates. Fortunately for her, she doesn't even need to work at all, given her husband's income. He's honestly a great guy, a great dad, etc., but for whatever reason, he not only turns the other cheek on her lies, he supports them.

    Bluecastle--thanks so much for your openness and yes, your situation with your father does have similarities, in that there are delusions present. You pointed out that your father sees himself as a 29 year-old, hanging with his kid, and you know what? So apropos to my sister. She sees herself as this 20-something (she's over 50) in so many ways. Thank you for this link.

    I need to figure out how to stop letting this get to me, so much.

    It's that.....I worked so hard to get through school, as did my brother. I even finished college in 3 years, and my brother went on for an advanced degree. But here my sister skates, scooping up credit for having gone, when in reality, we all had to wait, the night of her high school graduation, for a phone call from her to see if she was even going to be on the list for graduation, her grades were so bad. And maybe I'm more upset that our mom supported this lie all along.

  2. #12
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    My sister lied to herself about her marriage -about how over the moon in love she was, about how "sure" she was about him (they got married 8 months after meeting, met through a print personal ad) - and for years after- close to 15-20 years. I can't "blame" her for this - I think many people do this - but it sure did impact my self esteem as I struggled to figure out why I wasn't "sure" like she was or able to commit as easily as she was (never realizing it was because she committed because she wanted the married mom label desperately and talked herself into being "in love" and sure about her now ex husband) . I share because I can relate how when it's a sibling -and the parents support the "lie" (my parents did, especially my mother who would make well-meaning but hurtful comments about how my sister was able to commit and love her husband and how it wasn't that difficult once you "choose" it). My parents were over the moon about my sister getting married ,settling down (wild child) and becoming a mom so they were kind of blinded too. I think your mother is doing the same -she is being mama bear she thinks -protecting her child from the harm of facing the world with the truth when lying lets her give a very different impression to the world.

    I'd be disgusted and I've only had facebook friends and a few other friends who lied in this way -no one in my family. One who preyed on our sympathies about how her husband was leaving her with a small child because he decided he no longer wanted to be a dad -- when it turns out years later as she "confessed" she was having an affair (so maybe it was both but um yeah it's highly relevant information as to why a spouse might leave). And LHGirl I find it erodes my capacity to trust in general -makes me a lot more cautious about people's stories -which is a shame -I hope you don't have that feeling/experience.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    My sister lied to herself about her marriage -about how over the moon in love she was, about how "sure" she was about him (they got married 8 months after meeting, met through a print personal ad) - and for years after- close to 15-20 years. I can't "blame" her for this - I think many people do this - but it sure did impact my self esteem as I struggled to figure out why I wasn't "sure" like she was or able to commit as easily as she was (never realizing it was because she committed because she wanted the married mom label desperately and talked herself into being "in love" and sure about her now ex husband) . I share because I can relate how when it's a sibling -and the parents support the "lie" (my parents did, especially my mother who would make well-meaning but hurtful comments about how my sister was able to commit and love her husband and how it wasn't that difficult once you "choose" it). My parents were over the moon about my sister getting married ,settling down (wild child) and becoming a mom so they were kind of blinded too. I think your mother is doing the same -she is being mama bear she thinks -protecting her child from the harm of facing the world with the truth when lying lets her give a very different impression to the world.

    I'd be disgusted and I've only had facebook friends and a few other friends who lied in this way -no one in my family. One who preyed on our sympathies about how her husband was leaving her with a small child because he decided he no longer wanted to be a dad -- when it turns out years later as she "confessed" she was having an affair (so maybe it was both but um yeah it's highly relevant information as to why a spouse might leave). And LHGirl I find it erodes my capacity to trust in general -makes me a lot more cautious about people's stories -which is a shame -I hope you don't have that feeling/experience.
    Thanks Batya, yes I totally relate! My sister, too, was the "wild child", so it was "so amazing" when she settled down, and my mother made a huge deal of it at her wedding.

    I find so much of Facebook to be so disheartening with all the lies that get told. I'm like, now I know you and your husband aren't this "happy wonderful family" you're showing; I know that's not true, etc. I've gone on Facebook less & less lately because of it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    And maybe I'm more upset that our mom supported this lie all along.
    Sounds like you may have found the deeper waters here. Perhaps that was a coping mechanism of sorts for your mother, her way of reconciling what may have been two very real feelings toward your sister: deep love and deep frustration, emphasizing the former to negate the latter, perhaps to keep her own frustrations with herself at bay.

    I've noticed how my mother—with whom I am so very close—has a way of downplaying my own lesser traits, or chapters in my life where I was less than stellar, because it clashes with her own self-conception as The World's Greatest Mom Who Raised a Superstar. Because I am someone hellbent on the forever work of accepting who I am, flaws and all, this has led to small clashes over the years.

    Anyhow, I can so understand your frustration. I'm a hard worker—also graduated in three years!—and have always (and will always) work hard on excavating my personal truth. That's a huge part of my identity; it's what allows me to sleep at night. Whenever I meet people who find workarounds to, well, hard work, be it professional work or self work, a little angry kid in me fumes. And I'm just talking about strangers, so to imagine if it was family—well, ouch. Or, well, hugs.

    It'll be something that gets to you from time to time, and something you'll find new ways to manage and cope with, so it's a scratch and not a cut. Going back to my father—I have a lot of compassion for him, and my compassion for him is probably where my general compassion for people comes from. He is, at his core, a pretty sad dude. He gets by fine—has a job, knows how to charm people to keep the darker realities at bay—but I'm not sure he's able to look himself in the mirror in quite the way the rest of us can.

    For the most part I feel for him. And sometimes? I really hate him, and have learned to acknowledge that and let it pass through me as a feeling I'm allowed to have. And that, I suspect, will be a big part of my story with him forever. If I was writing the Lifetime Movie version of my life, I'd tweak the characters a bit—but, alas, in real life I can only really work on myself.

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  6. #15
    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    am I being too sensitive here? And if so, why? Why does this bug me SO much?
    I don't know why it bugs you (although I could probably come up with a couple of theories), but I do know that I would find it very irritating, too.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Whenever I meet people who find workarounds to, well, hard work, be it professional work or self work, a little angry kid in me fumes.
    .
    I think Bluecastle hit the nail on the head here. Since I value my own work ethic so much, it really unnerves me to see others put in little to no effort, but get rewarded as though they did.

    That’s precisely what’s happening with my sister here: she’s getting accolades for a weight loss that she didn’t do anything for, plus her ongoing college lie, that she gets high-fived for her having attended a school to which she couldn’t even apply.

    It’s not just my sister, but as bluecastle said, anyone who skates by, as he said, which makes the little angry kid in me scream.

    Thanks for helping me figure this out!

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I think Bluecastle hit the nail on the head here. Since I value my own work ethic so much, it really unnerves me to see others put in little to no effort, but get rewarded as though they did.

    That’s precisely what’s happening with my sister here: she’s getting accolades for a weight loss that she didn’t do anything for, plus her ongoing college lie, that she gets high-fived for her having attended a school to which she couldn’t even apply.

    It’s not just my sister, but as bluecastle said, anyone who skates by, as he said, which makes the little angry kid in me scream.

    Thanks for helping me figure this out!
    Yes and you know what - I wouldn't personally dismiss it as "angry kid" -it's anyone -kid or adult -who has that sense of justice and work ethic and yes, we remind ourselves to just keep our noses to the grindstone, not compare, etc and it's human and normal to notice and get upset with injustice (consider the college admissions scandal and - from a different perspective if you were a student who honestly didn't know what your parents had done to get you in and now you're being looked at as an intruder/liar).

    I have a friend who lost a lot of weight with the lap band. But it stopped working so effectively so she turned to one of those MLM diet shakes/programs. Lost a lot of weight that way and became a "consultant". She was extremely careful to do her before and after photos where before was post-surgery -so she didn't give the impression that the total weight loss was because of the shakes -and she also would explain that to clients, etc. Still, some who were also selling tried to undermine her by claiming she was lying about the extent of her weight loss (I am a total outsider to this so I had nothing to gain or lose, no bone to pick, pun intended)

    Reading what you wrote LHGirl -it occurs to me that part of the problem here is when people like your sister lie that way -and when people like her get caught -it erodes trust even further (everyone should eye Facebook with a level of healthy suspicion of course) and hurts those who are making an honest living. A friend of mine graduated from a prestigious college and had years in the competitive publishing industry. But her resume included a lie about her masters degree -she didn't quite finish because her mother was dying at the time (which I totally believe!) but her resume said she had a degree. I remember she called me to tell me she interviewed for a plum job, and they were about to make her an offer and she realized they were going to do a full background check (which for some reason surprised her). She asked whether she should come clean then -honestly I wasn't that interested in helping her because she chose to lie. She did come clean, they did withdraw the offer. She was upset. I thought it was fair. And yes I looked at her differently after that and yes I believe she stopped having that lie on her resume which I saw as a really positive on her part.

    It's not angry little kid -it's resentment/anger whatever at injustices like this. But in your case I also feel sadness for your sister.

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