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****Is keeping pictures of a longterm ex on Facebook appropriate?****


OoWhoEvenKno

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I am gay and my gf of a year and a half refuses to take the pictures of her ex husband off of Facebook, and it really bothers me. I have expressed this to her and her reaction after me bringing it up one too many times was to just deactivate it...? I thought that was kinda weird and just wanted to get the opinion of others.... (They were together for 11 years, 4 of which they were married.) They do have an adopted niece on his side and then she has a daughter that is not his biologically but he raised her since she was 5 (so it is her Dad). As far as the pictures in her google drive on her phone, we had agreed that pictures of the family are fine, or group photos, but ones with just them two are no longer needed.... We didn't even get to get that far with Facebook because she just immediately became super defensive and it turned into kind of a huge arguement/hostility over it. After making comments more than a few times she became irate again and went on there and just deactivated her Facebook account, leading me to feel very awkward and uncomfortable and.... like there is SOME reason she won't just take them off her page....!!!?! I told her what good does that do if you take them off of your phone but you keep them on Facebook, for everyone to see and, do they wonder what that's about, or am I just crazy??? Maybe she just doesn't want the flood of sympathy/questions or whatever and I have nothing to be worried about??? It just literally doesn't make sense to me at all....

Side note: her fb does say that we are in a relationship..... I just feel like why do I have to share the glory if she's mine then what's the big deal about taking their photos off?? I've never been married or in a longterm relationship like that so I am probably bias idk. Any thoughts or input would be appreciated.

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Yeah, she's not taking them down 1) because she doesn't want to and shouldn't have to, and 2) you're being annoying and disturbingly controlling about it.

 

Your woman has a past. All of us do. We don't have to purge our social media of it. Frankly, grow up and get over it. Dump her if you can't.

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So I think this may be a symptom of something deeper for you.

 

I get that FB is important to people, especially younger people, but its not real life...

 

Is she a good girlfriend? Do you communicate? Do you trust her? Do you enjoy her company? Is your relationship strong?

 

If so, I wouldn't lay on a cross over this issue.

 

If you dont trust her, think shes being shady, or you have a troubled relationship I can see this upsetting you but again if your relationship is strong, this is about you and not her.

 

FWIW, I have the dude I lost my virginity to on my FB, as well as half my exes, a couple of high school crushes and I don't delete pictures. I am not secretly pining over any of them and I have never physically cheated.

 

You simply cant base your relationship on arbitrary things...

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How insecure, controlling and unreasonable you are! Damn! You expect her to erase a significant part of her life.

 

I suggest you get a handle on your issues. I would not put up with your crap! You are on the fast track to losing your partner.

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It sounds like they parted on civil terms. She also has you listed on fb as her current relationship for all the world to see. Imo, you are being annoyingly controlling and obnoxious. You have no right trying to delete her past. It sounds like this man once supported her and treated her with respect or she wouldn't have kept the photos up. The photos are now just an acknowledgement of a past that she respects. Nothing to do with you. Your jealousy is your own issue. Imo, imposing your insecurity like that on her is toxic. Stop.

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Yup. You are being unreasonable.

 

Erasing the pictures does not erase the past. Those experiences are in part what made her the woman she is today. If you love her - aren’t you grateful for who she became?

 

I doubt she even goes back and looks at those old photos. The only person thinking about them is you.

 

Do you have any other reasons for thinking she still holds a torch for him or something?

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What everyone else is saying.

 

Honestly, at the risk of sounding harsh, when I read something like this I can't help but wonder if, aside from some insecurity issues you need to get in check, you're using this as a way to to not be honest about your own life. Do you have a lurking an ex? An ex you still think about from time to time? Someone who still has so much power over you that you can't look at photo of them without going weak in the knees? Someone who still pokes at you even knowing you're with someone new? Is part of the value of your current relationship that it keeps those feelings/urges in check?

 

That's where my head goes, and I admit it's because the few people I've dated who are this obsessed with what's on my phone have been obsessed because they're ashamed of what's on their phone—or at least in their mind and heart.

 

Either that or you just have a drastically different life experience than her—less experience, perhaps—and so you can't comprehend the idea that people have rich pasts that predate you. There is nothing sadder to me than trying to negate or minimize someone's past because it's what made them the person you met—and, at least in theory, cherish and love. It should be respected, just as you should respect that everyone is going to deal with their past differently.

 

I've never deleted a photo on FB, for what its worth, and at 39 that means anyone can scroll deep enough and see the person I dated at 23, at 27, at 33. Because I work in a public sphere, a Google Image search will provide the same information, with many dozens of photos of me and various women from my past. So it goes, life in the modern age.

 

I'm pretty sure everyone I've dated over the past decade has photos of an ex or two on social media—fine. Normal. Nothing to put any weight on. Frankly, I think people who go about purging their social media and photo apps after every relationship, or who gauge a relationship's health by how it looks on a screen, are more suspect, as it strikes my mind (per above) as not knowing how to really process the past or be present, but instead to curate life in some aspirational way that is just...well, strange and immature.

 

Per an above post, if you don't trust your gf, if your gut says something about this relationship is off—well, that's on you to address, with her and with yourself. If those real issues exist they don't go away with the delete button. They go away when you confront them—seeing if it's something you can do together and, if not, stepping back into the void on your own.

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I like things clean. Loose ends just look messy and they can trip you up too. I also don't like being reminded of the past when my present is phenomenal and my future...even better (God willing). I'll make this short and dry: normally people who have reasons to look back, aren't too happy with themselves in the present and are uncertain about their futures.

 

I'd consider this a red flag and I would not date someone who tends to look back or cannot tidy up at the most basic levels. It makes a person look like a slob, to be honest, or not careful about what they think of themselves or how others may be affected around them. Or, they're simply not on my wavelength and that's A-ok too.

 

You should respect her wishes if she chooses to remind herself of her past. Know when a relationship is not the one for you.

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I lean more on the side of Rose here.

 

I won't invalidate your feelings, OP because they are real and I think anyone with any insight can understand them. You and she now share a life and yes, it's different for her to be keeping old pics hanging around. I can see where you're coming from.

 

I also agree with you, keeping old family photos on google drive etc is fine, but to keep them on facebook does look more like she's having a tough time moving on from the past.

I would question that too.

 

It is worrisome? hard to say. It really depends on her and her reasons for keeping them around like that.

 

Do we all have a past, sure we do, but we don't blatantly keep it right out in the open like that, especially if we've got a new partner.

I am sincerely trying to put myself into her position and I can't really understand it. I wouldn't be keeping old pics hanging around like that.

I don't have animosity or bitterness but I do feel that those pics were in the past, they don't exactly belong in the present.

 

I think best you can do is try talking to her again and this time, don't make it like you're giving her heck. Be more gentle about it and see why she might feel the need to still have the pictures on facebook.

You don't want to shame her or put her on the defense, but rather you want to find out the answers in a loving way so you can understand her better.

 

At the end of the day, this is both of yours relationship. You have a right to both feel safe and comfortable with what is going on, even something such as pictures on facebook.

But you need to work it out as a couple and to make it more about understanding, rather than a war.

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Other people's opinions shouldn't matter too much.

 

If YOU think it's inappropriate for YOU, then it is.

 

My personal experience. My ex, or any of her family are not on my friend list. I do follow her. That is because she sometimes makes public posts involving our sons. We were friends on FB for a few years and then one day she unfriended me. We tried to remain friends, but found there was no real reason to. We are friendly, not friends.

 

My fiance has her ex on her FB list. I'm not bothered by it. They are sincerely good friends. I've met him, and we get along fine. It's not a case of her not getting over him, or unfinished business.

 

I did briefly date someone who told me they were very close to their ex's and explained they were a high priority and spend a lot of time together. For me, that was an issue. It was one of the reasons I quickly lost interest. If someone wants to label me as insecure, that's their business, not mine. Repeat after me, "What other people think of me is none of my business"

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I like things clean. Loose ends just look messy and they can trip you up too. I also don't like being reminded of the past when my present is phenomenal and my future...even better (God willing). I'll make this short and dry: normally people who have reasons to look back, aren't too happy with themselves in the present and are uncertain about their futures.

 

I'd consider this a red flag and I would not date someone who tends to look back or cannot tidy up at the most basic levels. It makes a person look like a slob, to be honest, or not careful about what they think of themselves or how others may be affected around them. Or, they're simply not on my wavelength and that's A-ok too.

 

You should respect her wishes if she chooses to remind herself of her past. Know when a relationship is not the one for you.

 

This may come as a surprise to some given some of my other views, but I agree with Rose, 100%.

 

I also think your request was reasonable, pics w the kids, family pics are fine.

 

But pics of just the two of them together? Yes this would bother me too.

 

And her reaction when you mentioned it? To me, that's more concerning than the pics!

 

Defensive, argumentative, hostile? Good Lordy.

 

Of course we all have a past, to me this is about respect for your partner and your relationship.

 

I just see no reason to be flaunting pics of your ex, or worse of you and your ex together just the two of you, on social media when in a committed relationship w another.

 

For me it has nothing to do w insecurity or even feeling threatened, it's just disrespectful to me and our relationship.

 

And her reaction?? Wow.

 

I wouldn't make a big issue about it though, I would calmly voice my concern and why, and if my partner reacted like yours, defensive and hostile, I'd re-think the relationship, possibly ending it.

 

Just another reason why I can't stand FB and have deactivated it.

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And her reaction?? Wow.

 

But didn't OP get exactly what she wanted from this reaction?

 

No more FB, no more FB page, no more photos of ex-husband on FB. Not the most graceful conflict resolution, but I get the feeling that OP's gf had tried to contextualize the photos and/or where FB falls inside her own value system through conversations that went nowhere. And I get the feeling that what Facebook represents to OP is drastically more meaningful than what it represents to OP's gf. If OP's gf was adamant about keeping these photos on Facebook—if she was someone who lives like a "slob" or in a state of permanent nostalgia—she would have dug in to protect her values and lifestyle; what she showed is that she does not really value anything on FB.

 

Clean slate, problem solved—so long as OP can live with the loss of the "in a relationship" signifier on her gf's now deactivated FB page, as long as she can trust the vitality and reality of their relationship without that digital stamp of officialdom.

 

I really don't mean to sound flip, really. We live in an age of social media, it's part of all our lives passively or actively, and so I suppose it's one of those value systems that we need to see eye to eye on with someone. The stuff that gets sorted out in early dating, maybe? Do you want children? Do you believe in going to church on Sundays? Do you have friends of the opposite sex? Do you believe that, once in a committed relationship, it is important to honor that through a FB status update, the deletion of any photos of exes on the feed, and the regular posting of couple-y photos on various platforms?

 

I don't know how long they've been dating, but given that FB is clearly of value to OP I'd imagine they've been "friends" on there from a very early moment. At that moment OP would have learned that she was getting involved with someone who had photos of her ex-husband on her FB page. If that was a value clash, then OP could have walked on, in order to meet someone with whom she lines up with more. Someone who carefully maintains their FB page to magnify only their present incarnation rather than someone for whom their FB page is just a repository of past digital stuff.

 

In thinking about this—since it's come up on other posts—I've realized I don't even know what it means to delete photos on FB. Maybe someone can help me? For instance, in my "photos" there are a handful of images of me and my ex, since she was pretty active on there. I wouldn't call this "flaunting" that chapter, since I posted exactly zero of them. I've never posted a photo to FB and generally post exactly zero photos of romantic partners on social media, and certainly none that explicitly communicate how happy I am. So they're from her, her family, some mutual friends, in which I was "tagged." From what I can see my options are limited to "allow on timeline" or not, or "remove tag" of myself.

 

Is that what deleting means?

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I am on my way to work now but after I arrive, I will post a true story about my dad, and having pics of his late wife (my step mom) displayed in his bedroom after she passed away, and the meaning behind.

 

And how having those pics displayed affected his new relationship.

 

It may shed more light on how I feel about social media and why I feel as I do about keeping pics of ex's displayed whether on social media or IRL.

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I am on my way to work now but after I arrive, I will post a true story about my dad, and having pics of his late wife (my step mom) displayed in his bedroom after she passed away, and the meaning behind.

 

And how having those pics displayed affected his new relationship.

 

It may shed more light on how I feel about social media and why I feel as I do about keeping pics of ex's displayed whether on social media or IRL.

 

I think theres a huge difference between having pics of an ex on display and facebook. Im with you, I wouldnt be ok with that either.

 

I dont delete old pics because...

 

A.) who the heck clicks that far back? Usually people who want to be nosy.

B.) I always saw people who erased everything about an ex as petty... I know its silly but the theater that is Facebook I just view it as dramatic when someone does that.

C.) Thats my life, those are my memories, I always thought most people had a box tucked away with mementos from their past relationship, I do, its somewhere in my closet. When Im 100, I want to look back at my life and be proud I lived it. A box in the attic, old pictures youd have to click 30 minutes to find, thats my story, and anyone in my life shouldn't be allowed to dictate it.

 

But I will say I agree with Rose about the incompatibility, its simple really for every person who doesnt delete their exes theres another who does, go find someone who does, it doesnt have to be right or wrong, its just what values mesh.

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Hey FIO, i was actually gonna mention that in my story about my dad, how many believe having pics posted on FB and having displayed in real life are different.

 

For me, I don't see the difference.

 

Your current partner walks into your home and sees pics of your ex, pics of you and your ex displayed.

 

Your current partner opens up FB and sees pics of your ex, pics of you and your ex displayed on your FB page.

 

Both are hurtful imo, assuming you are in a committed relationship with that person. Both reflect he/she has not fully moved on, again just my opinion.

 

Which in my dad's case, although it was not FB, was very true. He had not moved on, he told me he was still very much in love with E (my step mom) even though he was in a new relationship.

 

I do agree there is an incompatibility which is the main concern.

 

Fortunately my bf feels as I do about FB, he has deactivated his too. :)

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I am on my way to work now but after I arrive, I will post a true story about my dad, and having pics of his late wife (my step mom) displayed in his bedroom after she passed away, and the meaning behind.

 

And how having those pics displayed affected his new relationship.

 

It may shed more light on how I feel about social media and why I feel as I do about keeping pics of ex's displayed whether on social media or IRL.

 

Posting on social media is one thing, putting photos up in the house is entirely different.

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Hey FIO, i was actually gonna mention that in my story about my dad, how many believe having pics posted on FB and having displayed in real life are different.

 

For me, I don't see the difference.

 

Your current partner walks into your home and sees pics of your ex, pics of you and your ex displayed.

 

Your current partner opens up FB and sees pics of your ex, pics of you and your ex displayed on your FB page.

 

Both are hurtful imo, assuming you are in a committed relationship with that person. Both reflect he/she has not fully moved on, again just my opinion.

 

I do agree there is an incompatibility which is the main concern.

 

Fortunately my bf feels as I do about FB, he has deactivated his too. :)

 

Maybe Im thinking of it differently, when I see someone say, "they wont delete pics of their ex" I always assume they dug up old pictures, I dont think of it as something that shows up on their front page.

 

Deactivated completely?

 

Was that due to concerns or just a general choice?

 

Yes at the end of the day, it comes down to the two people.

 

I just think fears and insecurities about social media are the mole you see on the skin that indicates cancer inside.

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But I will say I agree with Rose about the incompatibility, its simple really for every person who doesnt delete their exes theres another who does, go find someone who does, it doesnt have to be right or wrong, its just what values mesh.

 

Right—think this is what I was saying.

 

We can get into a conversation about how we each view social media—and, hey, I'm down for that ride!—but it's sort of beside the point in terms of OP's situation. I get a little edgy with posts like this because these are things you learn about someone very quickly, before a deep investment is made and an attachment has formed.

 

If it's an issue, you know you're with the wrong person and move on to find the right one. If you pretend it's not an issue, or if you file it away in the "Things I Can Change Once We're Closer" folder—well, I'm just not into that approach to connection.

 

There is enough real conflict that will surface over the course of a relationship. No point in getting into a relationship with someone where the points of conflict are literally jumping off a screen a day or a week after meeting.

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I just think fears and insecurities about social media are the mole you see on the skin that indicates cancer inside.

 

I agree! It can be in many cases.

 

However, and which is true for me, having issues surrounding social media, what one chooses to display on FB when in a committed relationship, is not always about fears and insecurities.

 

It's about privacy, respect and consideration for your partner and the relationship.

 

Not asking anyone to agree, it's just how I personally feel about it, that's all.

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I'll substitute FIO's C with my own. Not because there's anything wrong with the idea or sentimentality. I've just never been that person. And I don't say that apathetically as I think it's pretty cool people do it. But for me, I'd add to A and B that I just don't give enough of a ****. And the amount I don't care really does extend to the fact I can't be bothered to purge old facebook photos. If a lady I'm seeing wants to dig through however many years of photos and discover, indeed, previous women existed in that past she's digging through, only for her to then put the onus on me to placate her insecurities about it, then it's kind of a bonus the photos served as a decent litmus test to know who to dump. So I guess my laziness and indifference are only incentivized.

 

The very definition of display is for something to be made prominent. Photos one has to click through to find is exponentially different from your a framed photo of your boyfriend's deceased spouse facing from the dresser you while you and him and getting it on.

 

I mean, I wouldn't even say the personal standard of wanting someone who doesn't believe in any facebook photos of exes is "reasonable." Kinda betrays the spirit of reason. "Arbitrary" is probably the nicest I can put it. But at the end of the day, you're entitled to your standards regardless. However, that means you take it or leave it. I can respect the hell out of someone who's got the most arbitrary or even insecure standards on earth so long as they're someone who sees someone who's not a fit and simply bids them farewell and moves onto the next. They'll probably be single for awhile, but if they're not complaining to me about it, it's fair enough to me.

 

But I believe very strongly in the idea that if my partner action, behavior, or facebook photo isn't harming me or themselves, then I have no place "requesting" they change it for my sake. At that point, it's an incompatibility that's on me to consider. And if I decide the good outweighs the "bad," it's on me to then cope with. Wherever possible, you should be looking at someone and everything that comes with them and making a value-based assessment based strictly on it.

 

And not only that, but I think asking someone to remove photos is simply pragmatically poor. It sets a very low bar, and it's a waste of precious "please stop doing that completely harmless thing that bugs me" capital, which doesn't extend to "things I unnecessarily do and end up insecure over therefor you need to do something so that I don't do that thing."

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On Facebook? Yeah it's weird. I always saw it as some desperate way to say "hey look at me I've dated someone before" I had an ex that did that even though the girls in the photos weren't friends with him on fb and he'd re-tag them as a way to start up conversation again, theyd obviously untag themselves probably wondering why this weirdo kept trying to bring up middle school.

 

To me social media is a snapshot of my current life. Once someone isnt in it anymore, I delete those images. I don't keep those memories and I don't force my friends and family to look at information that isnt current. It's a waste of their time and my time. My page is about me. Once I date someone it's about me and my partner, our life together and once we break up it's about me again because that's what friends and family want. No one wants to see ur whole dating history on Facebook.

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I actually agree w j.man that we have no right to request or demand our partner remove the photos.

 

If it were to happen to me, I would simply tell him how seeing the pics every time I open his page makes me feel, in a calm and respectful way, and let him decide.

 

As mentioned in my first post, if he reacted defensively, stated arguing, and became hostile, as OP's gf did, I would re-think the relationship, whether he was right for me, or just bye.

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Her ex husband will always be in their lives, and yours too if you are there for the long haul, because they have a child together. As you said, that's her daughter's dad.

With that being as it is, I wouldn't worry about these pictures at all. Part of this deal of being with her is accepting the package of she was married, and is raising a child with someone.

There's potential here for something really beautiful. Where her daughter has her mom and dad, and you too as a newer addition to her family.

 

There's enough complications here to not choose the pics as the hill to die on. I imagine there's more to this story for sure!

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