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Thread: ****Is keeping pictures of a longterm ex on Facebook appropriate?****

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23

    I just think fears and insecurities about social media are the mole you see on the skin that indicates cancer inside.
    I agree! It can be in many cases.

    However, and which is true for me, having issues surrounding social media, what one chooses to display on FB when in a committed relationship, is not always about fears and insecurities.

    It's about privacy, respect and consideration for your partner and the relationship.

    Not asking anyone to agree, it's just how I personally feel about it, that's all.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I'll substitute FIO's C with my own. Not because there's anything wrong with the idea or sentimentality. I've just never been that person. And I don't say that apathetically as I think it's pretty cool people do it. But for me, I'd add to A and B that I just don't give enough of a ****. And the amount I don't care really does extend to the fact I can't be bothered to purge old facebook photos. If a lady I'm seeing wants to dig through however many years of photos and discover, indeed, previous women existed in that past she's digging through, only for her to then put the onus on me to placate her insecurities about it, then it's kind of a bonus the photos served as a decent litmus test to know who to dump. So I guess my laziness and indifference are only incentivized.

    The very definition of display is for something to be made prominent. Photos one has to click through to find is exponentially different from your a framed photo of your boyfriend's deceased spouse facing from the dresser you while you and him and getting it on.

    I mean, I wouldn't even say the personal standard of wanting someone who doesn't believe in any facebook photos of exes is "reasonable." Kinda betrays the spirit of reason. "Arbitrary" is probably the nicest I can put it. But at the end of the day, you're entitled to your standards regardless. However, that means you take it or leave it. I can respect the hell out of someone who's got the most arbitrary or even insecure standards on earth so long as they're someone who sees someone who's not a fit and simply bids them farewell and moves onto the next. They'll probably be single for awhile, but if they're not complaining to me about it, it's fair enough to me.

    But I believe very strongly in the idea that if my partner action, behavior, or facebook photo isn't harming me or themselves, then I have no place "requesting" they change it for my sake. At that point, it's an incompatibility that's on me to consider. And if I decide the good outweighs the "bad," it's on me to then cope with. Wherever possible, you should be looking at someone and everything that comes with them and making a value-based assessment based strictly on it.

    And not only that, but I think asking someone to remove photos is simply pragmatically poor. It sets a very low bar, and it's a waste of precious "please stop doing that completely harmless thing that bugs me" capital, which doesn't extend to "things I unnecessarily do and end up insecure over therefor you need to do something so that I don't do that thing."

  3. #23
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    On Facebook? Yeah it's weird. I always saw it as some desperate way to say "hey look at me I've dated someone before" I had an ex that did that even though the girls in the photos weren't friends with him on fb and he'd re-tag them as a way to start up conversation again, theyd obviously untag themselves probably wondering why this weirdo kept trying to bring up middle school.

    To me social media is a snapshot of my current life. Once someone isnt in it anymore, I delete those images. I don't keep those memories and I don't force my friends and family to look at information that isnt current. It's a waste of their time and my time. My page is about me. Once I date someone it's about me and my partner, our life together and once we break up it's about me again because that's what friends and family want. No one wants to see ur whole dating history on Facebook.

  4. #24
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    I actually agree w j.man that we have no right to request or demand our partner remove the photos.

    If it were to happen to me, I would simply tell him how seeing the pics every time I open his page makes me feel, in a calm and respectful way, and let him decide.

    As mentioned in my first post, if he reacted defensively, stated arguing, and became hostile, as OP's gf did, I would re-think the relationship, whether he was right for me, or just bye.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Her ex husband will always be in their lives, and yours too if you are there for the long haul, because they have a child together. As you said, that's her daughter's dad.
    With that being as it is, I wouldn't worry about these pictures at all. Part of this deal of being with her is accepting the package of she was married, and is raising a child with someone.
    There's potential here for something really beautiful. Where her daughter has her mom and dad, and you too as a newer addition to her family.

    There's enough complications here to not choose the pics as the hill to die on. I imagine there's more to this story for sure!

  7. #26
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    That is the man who raised her daughter and is daddy to her. If she has a photo that is 6 years old on FB and you have to scroll back and search through albums to delete it, I think you are ureasonable and esp if she is friends with her daughter on FB if the daughter is old enough, I don't think she should delete them. If it were her profile photo, definitely. She could also be secure enough in her friendship with him (presumably they separated because she game out as bi??) to not have to torch everything. That's just my take. What about the adopted niece - do you mean she was one of their nieces that they adopted because their sibling couldn't care for them or is it a niece they are close to on his side and she is still in her life?

    Is the real problem you being insecure that she will dump you and find a man to date because she was with a man before you? Or on the prowl for one? Or can you not accept that she was in love with a man? If i were you, i would be more concerned if she had pictures of a female ex on FB

  8. #27
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    Personally, the photos of my cheating ex are staying on Facebook. Want to know why? Because that was part of my life. Facebook is a timeline of my life. I see my memories each day. I may regret how it ended, but I don't regret my past.
    Any future spouse who is jealous over what happened before they even existed can kick rocks.



    Just like, am I going to have them on the wall in my house? No, but they won't be burned or shredded. Just tucked away in a closet.

  9. #28
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    I think we've determined it's not always about jealousy, at least not for me.

    But it's your absolute right to keep those pics up and if any future gf doesn't like, she can walk, which is what I would choose to do.

  10. #29
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    So you deny your spouse had a past?

    You'd have to dig to find old photos. What is the point in deleting them, to forget when events occured and what happened?

    Why should someone be required to forget their good memories to appease a spouse? I have pictures of the trip we took on my birthday when my daughter was conceived. Why should I destroy the Facebook reminder? Why would it be an issue with you?


    I also find it as a good backup in case I ever lose all my photos in a fire, harddrive crash, etc.

  11. #30
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    Nikel, I have already explained my position on it, including yes of course we all have a past, that is not what it's about for me.

    Please re-read my posts for more clarity if you're interested, if not that's fine.

    I respect your opinion and how you choose do to things, so would appreciate if you would respect mine as well, thanks.

    Fortunately my bf feels same as I which to me is all that matters.

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