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Thread: ****Is keeping pictures of a longterm ex on Facebook appropriate?****

  1. #11
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    Other people's opinions shouldn't matter too much.

    If YOU think it's inappropriate for YOU, then it is.

    My personal experience. My ex, or any of her family are not on my friend list. I do follow her. That is because she sometimes makes public posts involving our sons. We were friends on FB for a few years and then one day she unfriended me. We tried to remain friends, but found there was no real reason to. We are friendly, not friends.

    My fiance has her ex on her FB list. I'm not bothered by it. They are sincerely good friends. I've met him, and we get along fine. It's not a case of her not getting over him, or unfinished business.

    I did briefly date someone who told me they were very close to their ex's and explained they were a high priority and spend a lot of time together. For me, that was an issue. It was one of the reasons I quickly lost interest. If someone wants to label me as insecure, that's their business, not mine. Repeat after me, "What other people think of me is none of my business"

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I like things clean. Loose ends just look messy and they can trip you up too. I also don't like being reminded of the past when my present is phenomenal and my future...even better (God willing). I'll make this short and dry: normally people who have reasons to look back, aren't too happy with themselves in the present and are uncertain about their futures.

    I'd consider this a red flag and I would not date someone who tends to look back or cannot tidy up at the most basic levels. It makes a person look like a slob, to be honest, or not careful about what they think of themselves or how others may be affected around them. Or, they're simply not on my wavelength and that's A-ok too.

    You should respect her wishes if she chooses to remind herself of her past. Know when a relationship is not the one for you.
    This may come as a surprise to some given some of my other views, but I agree with Rose, 100%.

    I also think your request was reasonable, pics w the kids, family pics are fine.

    But pics of just the two of them together? Yes this would bother me too.

    And her reaction when you mentioned it? To me, that's more concerning than the pics!

    Defensive, argumentative, hostile? Good Lordy.

    Of course we all have a past, to me this is about respect for your partner and your relationship.

    I just see no reason to be flaunting pics of your ex, or worse of you and your ex together just the two of you, on social media when in a committed relationship w another.

    For me it has nothing to do w insecurity or even feeling threatened, it's just disrespectful to me and our relationship.

    And her reaction?? Wow.

    I wouldn't make a big issue about it though, I would calmly voice my concern and why, and if my partner reacted like yours, defensive and hostile, I'd re-think the relationship, possibly ending it.

    Just another reason why I can't stand FB and have deactivated it.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-03-2019 at 09:53 AM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    And her reaction?? Wow.
    But didn't OP get exactly what she wanted from this reaction?

    No more FB, no more FB page, no more photos of ex-husband on FB. Not the most graceful conflict resolution, but I get the feeling that OP's gf had tried to contextualize the photos and/or where FB falls inside her own value system through conversations that went nowhere. And I get the feeling that what Facebook represents to OP is drastically more meaningful than what it represents to OP's gf. If OP's gf was adamant about keeping these photos on Facebook—if she was someone who lives like a "slob" or in a state of permanent nostalgia—she would have dug in to protect her values and lifestyle; what she showed is that she does not really value anything on FB.

    Clean slate, problem solved—so long as OP can live with the loss of the "in a relationship" signifier on her gf's now deactivated FB page, as long as she can trust the vitality and reality of their relationship without that digital stamp of officialdom.

    I really don't mean to sound flip, really. We live in an age of social media, it's part of all our lives passively or actively, and so I suppose it's one of those value systems that we need to see eye to eye on with someone. The stuff that gets sorted out in early dating, maybe? Do you want children? Do you believe in going to church on Sundays? Do you have friends of the opposite sex? Do you believe that, once in a committed relationship, it is important to honor that through a FB status update, the deletion of any photos of exes on the feed, and the regular posting of couple-y photos on various platforms?

    I don't know how long they've been dating, but given that FB is clearly of value to OP I'd imagine they've been "friends" on there from a very early moment. At that moment OP would have learned that she was getting involved with someone who had photos of her ex-husband on her FB page. If that was a value clash, then OP could have walked on, in order to meet someone with whom she lines up with more. Someone who carefully maintains their FB page to magnify only their present incarnation rather than someone for whom their FB page is just a repository of past digital stuff.

    In thinking about this—since it's come up on other posts—I've realized I don't even know what it means to delete photos on FB. Maybe someone can help me? For instance, in my "photos" there are a handful of images of me and my ex, since she was pretty active on there. I wouldn't call this "flaunting" that chapter, since I posted exactly zero of them. I've never posted a photo to FB and generally post exactly zero photos of romantic partners on social media, and certainly none that explicitly communicate how happy I am. So they're from her, her family, some mutual friends, in which I was "tagged." From what I can see my options are limited to "allow on timeline" or not, or "remove tag" of myself.

    Is that what deleting means?

  4. #14
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    I am on my way to work now but after I arrive, I will post a true story about my dad, and having pics of his late wife (my step mom) displayed in his bedroom after she passed away, and the meaning behind.

    And how having those pics displayed affected his new relationship.

    It may shed more light on how I feel about social media and why I feel as I do about keeping pics of ex's displayed whether on social media or IRL.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I am on my way to work now but after I arrive, I will post a true story about my dad, and having pics of his late wife (my step mom) displayed in his bedroom after she passed away, and the meaning behind.

    And how having those pics displayed affected his new relationship.

    It may shed more light on how I feel about social media and why I feel as I do about keeping pics of ex's displayed whether on social media or IRL.
    I think theres a huge difference between having pics of an ex on display and facebook. Im with you, I wouldnt be ok with that either.

    I dont delete old pics because...

    A.) who the heck clicks that far back? Usually people who want to be nosy.
    B.) I always saw people who erased everything about an ex as petty... I know its silly but the theater that is Facebook I just view it as dramatic when someone does that.
    C.) Thats my life, those are my memories, I always thought most people had a box tucked away with mementos from their past relationship, I do, its somewhere in my closet. When Im 100, I want to look back at my life and be proud I lived it. A box in the attic, old pictures youd have to click 30 minutes to find, thats my story, and anyone in my life shouldn't be allowed to dictate it.

    But I will say I agree with Rose about the incompatibility, its simple really for every person who doesnt delete their exes theres another who does, go find someone who does, it doesnt have to be right or wrong, its just what values mesh.

  7. #16
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    Hey FIO, i was actually gonna mention that in my story about my dad, how many believe having pics posted on FB and having displayed in real life are different.

    For me, I don't see the difference.

    Your current partner walks into your home and sees pics of your ex, pics of you and your ex displayed.

    Your current partner opens up FB and sees pics of your ex, pics of you and your ex displayed on your FB page.

    Both are hurtful imo, assuming you are in a committed relationship with that person. Both reflect he/she has not fully moved on, again just my opinion.

    Which in my dad's case, although it was not FB, was very true. He had not moved on, he told me he was still very much in love with E (my step mom) even though he was in a new relationship.

    I do agree there is an incompatibility which is the main concern.

    Fortunately my bf feels as I do about FB, he has deactivated his too. :)
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-03-2019 at 01:04 PM.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I am on my way to work now but after I arrive, I will post a true story about my dad, and having pics of his late wife (my step mom) displayed in his bedroom after she passed away, and the meaning behind.

    And how having those pics displayed affected his new relationship.

    It may shed more light on how I feel about social media and why I feel as I do about keeping pics of ex's displayed whether on social media or IRL.
    Posting on social media is one thing, putting photos up in the house is entirely different.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Posting on social media is one thing, putting photos up in the house is entirely different.
    See my above response to fio.

    There is no right or wrong, the important thing is that you and your partner are on the same page about it.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Hey FIO, i was actually gonna mention that in my story about my dad, how many believe having pics posted on FB and having displayed in real life are different.

    For me, I don't see the difference.

    Your current partner walks into your home and sees pics of your ex, pics of you and your ex displayed.

    Your current partner opens up FB and sees pics of your ex, pics of you and your ex displayed on your FB page.

    Both are hurtful imo, assuming you are in a committed relationship with that person. Both reflect he/she has not fully moved on, again just my opinion.

    I do agree there is an incompatibility which is the main concern.

    Fortunately my bf feels as I do about FB, he has deactivated his too. :)
    Maybe Im thinking of it differently, when I see someone say, "they wont delete pics of their ex" I always assume they dug up old pictures, I dont think of it as something that shows up on their front page.

    Deactivated completely?

    Was that due to concerns or just a general choice?

    Yes at the end of the day, it comes down to the two people.

    I just think fears and insecurities about social media are the mole you see on the skin that indicates cancer inside.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    But I will say I agree with Rose about the incompatibility, its simple really for every person who doesnt delete their exes theres another who does, go find someone who does, it doesnt have to be right or wrong, its just what values mesh.
    Right—think this is what I was saying.

    We can get into a conversation about how we each view social media—and, hey, I'm down for that ride!—but it's sort of beside the point in terms of OP's situation. I get a little edgy with posts like this because these are things you learn about someone very quickly, before a deep investment is made and an attachment has formed.

    If it's an issue, you know you're with the wrong person and move on to find the right one. If you pretend it's not an issue, or if you file it away in the "Things I Can Change Once We're Closer" folder—well, I'm just not into that approach to connection.

    There is enough real conflict that will surface over the course of a relationship. No point in getting into a relationship with someone where the points of conflict are literally jumping off a screen a day or a week after meeting.

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