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Thread: My inability to comfort my GF is costing me the love of my life

  1. #1
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    My inability to comfort my GF is costing me the love of my life

    For all those who clicked on this post and took time out of your day to read this, I just want to say thank you as this situation is making me go crazy and it means the world to me that you would lend a hand.

    I've been in a relationship with my GF for over a year now and from the moment we started dating I felt like she was the perfect person for me. She was everything I was looking for and after having gone through a string of terrible relationships she was really my needle in the haystack. For months everything was going well up until this February. She's been dealing with a lot of personal matters and I have been failing at providing efficient comfort for her. It started with times where she'd break down and I didn't help her the way she needed. It's spiraled to a point where if she gets upset I am completely useless for the rest of the night. The main problem she says with our relationship is that it has become too much about myself and that she has been carrying the burden of her and my baggage.

    I love her more than I have ever loved anything in my entire life and want to do anything I can to fix this relationship. I have spent a long time looking into how to comfort people and feel confident with my abilities but every time she is upset past the point of my comforting I feel useless. The main advice that I need is just how to help comfort my GF when she's extremely angry (keep the conversation about her, talk even if she doesn't want to, how to talk her mind off things) and how to prove to her that I still love her and that I am willing to do anything to keep her in my life.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sure she's able to work out her own problems on her own. Don't hover over her. If you don't feel this is a welcome environment or if there are tensions in the relationship, it's a good idea to hang back for awhile and don't overburden your partner. Of course this is within reason. If you don't feel this is a fulfilling relationship, reconsider whether this person is a big baby or whether you really have something wrong with you. I'm not sure whether she's handling her problems on her own and you're sort of muddling everything trying to help too much.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Have you tried asking her how you can best support her? It seems like you are trying too hard and as Rose says maybe your insecurities are landing on her and contributing to her feelings of being overwhelmed.

    Everyone processes grief differently but generally speaking a listening ear is something everyone appreciates as is a hug ... also perhaps offering to take something off her plate so she can ease her burden... and yes please do not make this about you and how you feel inadequate, take those feelings to someone outside the relationship.

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    Right. You don’t.

    If you’ve been dating a year and there has been more of these outbursts then you can count on one hand, then her problems go beyond what a boyfriend can help with. She requires professional assistance.

    And relationships are about communication. If she doesn’t like the way you comfort her, it’s on HER to communicate what works for her. In no way do you need to be reading books and guessing and trying to read her mind. It’s not all all fair or reasonable for her to say you are doing it «wrong» without telling you how to do it «right».

    Emotionally healthy people self-regulate their emotions and communicate their needs.

    Not to be rude - just something to think about - IMO, this post sounds more like a parent talking about a child than an equal partner talking about their equal healthy partner. Just something to think about. It’s not at all healthy. You should expect her to behave as an adult.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by hopelessromcom
    For all those who clicked on this post and took time out of your day to read this, I just want to say thank you as this situation is making me go crazy and it means the world to me that you would lend a hand.

    I've been in a relationship with my GF for over a year now and from the moment we started dating I felt like she was the perfect person for me. She was everything I was looking for and after having gone through a string of terrible relationships she was really my needle in the haystack. For months everything was going well up until this February. She's been dealing with a lot of personal matters and I have been failing at providing efficient comfort for her. It started with times where she'd break down and I didn't help her the way she needed. It's spiraled to a point where if she gets upset I am completely useless for the rest of the night. The main problem she says with our relationship is that it has become too much about myself and that she has been carrying the burden of her and my baggage.

    I love her more than I have ever loved anything in my entire life and want to do anything I can to fix this relationship. I have spent a long time looking into how to comfort people and feel confident with my abilities but every time she is upset past the point of my comforting I feel useless. The main advice that I need is just how to help comfort my GF when she's extremely angry (keep the conversation about her, talk even if she doesn't want to, how to talk her mind off things) and how to prove to her that I still love her and that I am willing to do anything to keep her in my life.
    Just how emotional is she getting that she can't self sooth? She sounds rather over-the-top in her expectations, after all, it's not your job to do anything but listen and give her a hug when she needs it.

    What does she expect of you? Have you asked her that question?

    You aren't a trained psychiatrist or psychologist so don't allow her (or anyone) to make you feel like you're a failure for not comforting them when they are being over-the-top or are clinically depressed or with some sort of mental or emotional illness.

    Is your g/f in therapy? Has she been officially diagnosed with anything?

    She's been dealing with a lot of personal matters and I have been failing at providing efficient comfort for her.
    Did she say you were "failing at" providing "effcient comfort" to her?

  7. #6
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    Has she sought counseling? What are her issues?

    I agree That. You are not a therapist. She needs professional help.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 05-02-2019 at 09:50 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This isn't about 'comforting", this is about listening and communicating. She told you directly that you are too selfish and dump too much of your baggage on her. So rather than wasting your time trying to placate her, make an appt for some short term therapy to sort out and address this baggage rather than dumping into the relationship.

    Let her be upset, so what? She will either tell you about it, be quiet or process it in her own time. If she is specifically angry at you for something listen then apologize, as needed.

    "Comforting" is trying to patronize in order to make things easier on yourself by micromanaging her emotions. People get upset, people have arguments. It happens. Try not to escalate it by making it all about your issues getting into a competition about who has bigger problems.
    Originally Posted by hopelessromcom
    The main problem she says with our relationship is that it has become too much about myself and that she has been carrying the burden of her and my baggage.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Sounds like a bunch on bunk. If someone told me that I don't jump through hoops well enough to cheer him up, he'd be on his own to learn some adult life skills, such as hiring professional resources, and I'd be off to seek my own equal in partner.

    Skip the unnecessary drama. You'll thank yourself later.


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