Emotionally abusive relationship dumper stages?

I was wondering what were your stages of an emotionally abusive ex. My ex and me dated for 9 months, I would be abusive at bad times but we also had a lot of good connections and good times.

I am going to therapy now, we broke up around 2 months and 2.5 weeks ago i started begging her to get her back and kept messaging her. I’m blocked on everything, and would start emailing her with no response.

She says she loves being single and is with a guy. She said our relationship was a puppy dog one, that she never loved me and that it was just because it was her first.

I’ve started to not contact her and move on. She always tells me to give her space and leave her alone. Which I finally got to my stupid head and I’m doing now. I heard there’s stages where your ex seems way different and tries to be hurtful. I’m not contacting her until I get better. Do you think she’ll forget the bad ever and remember the good? Do you think she’ll ever message me? I have a good heart, I was abused constantly as a kid. I love her so much and I was just emotionally dependent. I want to change for the better.

Then change for the better and consider this relationship over. It's not healthy to stick around where you're not wanted or appreciated. Any form of emotional abuse is unkind to both yourself and your partner. Nine months is not a terribly long amount of time but it is enough to know each other and know whether this is a relationship that's good for both of you. She's made the decision that this is not a good relationship for her and not what she's looking for. Don't dumb down her excuses as a human being (make up excuses for the way you think she feels) and respect her wishes. I repeat: she does not want to be with you.

Let her go and live your life fully.

Do you think she’ll forget the bad ever and remember the good? Do you think she’ll ever message me? I have a good heart, I was abused constantly as a kid. I love her so much and I was just emotionally dependent. I want to change for the better.

Your abusing ways is all she knows. She doesn't know you any other way.

If she's moved on and is having a different experience with someone else, the difference between being abused and being in a healthy relationship will become profound for her and she will look back at that time with much regret. So no. Unless she hasn't healed and is still in an unhealthy place, she won't contact you. You should hope for her she doesn't.

Get healthy for you. You don't do so in an attempt to win her back. It suggests your motives are not in the right place and by still trying to control the outcome it suggests you aren't really ready to learn your lesson.

If you were emotionally depend on her, consider this breakup a gift.

Let go

That's when the real work begins. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn about yourself and go forward in the future doing things differently

Well to be honest i would forget this girl and any other until you have completed therapy and feel better especially as you had an abusive childhood. You need to get better and i mean FULLY better before embarking on further rleationships or they wont last.

Do not message her, text her, call her or email her. In fact block her on everything. You both sound very young and not a good match being abusive to one another. Your issues will be bigger than this one girl.

Take care and good luck.

She may remember the good but she will never forget the bad, and rightfully so.

If you truly want to change for the better then focus on yourself and allow yourself the time to do so... 2 months isn’t going to cut it.

I’m getting healthier for myself. I don’t want this overhang of childhood abuse over me in the future. I got a job, got summer classes, and I’m working out a lot. She’s seeing someone but she says she doesn’t want to date him. She said he’s an who just wants to sleep with her. She then told me maybe she likes s. I’m thinking it’s a rebound. She really chased me and said she loved and missed me a couple weeks after our breakup.

Your abusing ways is all she knows. She doesn't know you any other way.

 

If she's moved on and is having a different experience with someone else, the difference between being abused and being in a healthy relationship will become profound for her and she will look back at that time with much regret. So no. Unless she hasn't healed and is still in an unhealthy place, she won't contact you. You should hope for her she doesn't.

 

Get healthy for you. You don't do so in an attempt to win her back. It suggests your motives are not in the right place and by still trying to control the outcome it suggests you aren't really ready to learn your lesson.

 

If you were emotionally depend on her, consider this breakup a gift.

 

Let go

That's when the real work begins. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn about yourself and go forward in the future doing things differently

m getting healthier for myself. I don’t want this overhang of childhood abuse over me in the future. I got a job, got summer classes, and I’m working out a lot. She’s seeing someone but she says she doesn’t want to date him. She said he’s an who just wants to sleep with her. She then told me maybe she likes s. I’m thinking it’s a rebound. She really chased me and said she loved and missed me a couple weeks after our breakup.

Then change for the better and consider this relationship over. It's not healthy to stick around where you're not wanted or appreciated. Any form of emotional abuse is unkind to both yourself and your partner. Nine months is not a terribly long amount of time but it is enough to know each other and know whether this is a relationship that's good for both of you. She's made the decision that this is not a good relationship for her and not what she's looking for. Don't dumb down her excuses as a human being (make up excuses for the way you think she feels) and respect her wishes. I repeat: she does not want to be with you.

 

Let her go and live your life fully.

I mean living my life without her. Not going to lie, still have the pain. We really did have a lot of good things except the dependency, neediness, jealousy and manipulation, that’s the only reason why I’m wondering.

She may remember the good but she will never forget the bad, and rightfully so.

 

If you truly want to change for the better then focus on yourself and allow yourself the time to do so... 2 months isn’t going to cut it.

I have the whole summer to reset myself which is around 3 months. I’m working on it, this was also my first real relationship so I never knew about this issue.

If i recontact her when I change, do you think she’ll look at me differently? She pretty much said all our memories are fake but I think it’s because she’s hurt.

I mean living my life without her. Not going to lie, still have the pain. We really did have a lot of good things except the dependency, neediness, jealousy and manipulation, that’s the only reason why I’m wondering.

I'm sorry you're in pain. I hope you feel better soon. Those issues you just listed are major issues in a relationship and extremely destructive and unhealthy. Stay confident in the decision to move forwards and don't second guess yourself.

m getting healthier for myself. I don’t want this overhang of childhood abuse over me in the future. I got a job, got summer classes, and I’m working out a lot. She’s seeing someone but she says she doesn’t want to date him. She said he’s an who just wants to sleep with her. She then told me maybe she likes s. I’m thinking it’s a rebound. She really chased me and said she loved and missed me a couple weeks after our breakup.

You are overly focused on her which is typical after a break up.

Unfortunately the foundation of your relationship was toxic. It's the way in which you two connected and operated. It's close to impossible for one person to be in intensive therapy and return to a dynamic that has already been cast.

There were two people in your relationship and she was part of the problem. For whatever reason she engaged in the abuse for a time being and she would need to figure out why she was attracted to you in the first place and then tolerated it.

It's just much more complex than to get a quick fix, realize what you lost and set out to win it back.

You are basically guaranteed to fail unless you both address your issues separately and came up with plan together.

You two are not even together, let alone the same page.

I have the whole summer to reset myself which is around 3 months. I’m working on it, this was also my first real relationship so I never knew about this issue.

 

If i recontact her when I change, do you think she’ll look at me differently? She pretty much said all our memories are fake but I think it’s because she’s hurt.

Even if you were the bad boyfriend you paint yourself out to be, everyone is not all bad. Even when break ups are necessary, we sometimes tend to just focus on the good qualities. But it doesn't always trans elate into reconciliation.

You are overly focused on her which is typical after a break up.

 

Unfortunately the foundation of your relationship was toxic. It's the way in which you two connected and operated. It's close to impossible for one person to be in intensive therapy and return to a dynamic that has already been cast.

 

There were two people in your relationship and she was part of the problem. For whatever reason she engaged in the abuse for a time being and she would need to figure out why she was attracted to you in the first place and then tolerated it.

 

It's just much more complex than to get a quick fix, realize what you lost and set out to win it back.

You are basically guaranteed to fail unless you both address your issues separately and came up with plan together.

 

You two are not even together, let alone the same page.

Our relationship did start off toxic because of a situation. She actually chased me for a whole year before i finally accepted her into my life. I think if I can rebuild that attraction, we can work because I’ll be better when we do talk. She was honestly great and I’m so upset I did what I did without realizing it. Do you think I should contact her when I’ve moved on from the situation and changed?

Even if you were the bad boyfriend you paint yourself out to be, everyone is not all bad. Even when break ups are necessary, we sometimes tend to just focus on the good qualities. But it doesn't always trans elate into reconciliation.

What if we started as friends and worked our way back in? She even told me she was going out and going to dance on her friend who was the guy she’s exploring with.

What if we started as friends and worked our way back in? She even told me she was going out and going to dance on her friend who was the guy she’s exploring with.

You said in your initial post you would be abusive at times, can you clarify what you mean by abusive?

Verbally, mentally, physically, all three?

How do you know this would not happen again?

How can you know unless in the relationship again?

What steps have you taken to manage the intense emotions leading to your becoming abusive?

It's obvious you care for this girl deeply, so this thread and your acknowledgment of being an abuser in interesting to me.

Goes to show that abusers can be quite sensitive, capable of deep emotion, not all monsters.

Anyway, consider these questions because the last thing you want to do is get back together with her, and have those same intense emotions resurface leading you to become abusive once again.

Note it's very easy to believe you've healed when not in the relationship any longer.

The emotions that led to the abuse are replaced with intense missing and longing, nostalgia, and regret.

Our relationship did start off toxic because of a situation. She actually chased me for a whole year before i finally accepted her into my life. I think if I can rebuild that attraction, we can work because I’ll be better when we do talk. She was honestly great and I’m so upset I did what I did without realizing it. Do you think I should contact her when I’ve moved on from the situation and changed?

Even now, you are trying to manipulate her to be with you.

You are trying to "change" in 3 months with the sole goal of getting her back. That's not how change works. You can't set a timeline on it.

You are planning to contact her after you moved on. If you moved on, there would be no need or desire to contact her.

Do yourself a favor and truly let go. You are being conniving, controlling, and manipulative...even right now as you post.

Yeah, it hurts. But try to learn something from this and actually move on.

I'm guessing you are just hurt that she is no longer chasing you. You loved the attention, not her.

It's only been three months?

Agree with Nikel, one does not go from being an abuser to non-abuser in three months.

You have serious issues to address and resolve before you are anywhere close to being healed from whatever led you to abusing her, no matter how you're defining it.

Are you in any sort of therapy/counseling addressing these issues?

Let this go OP, heal, learn and grow and take that with you into your next relationship.

You would be disrespecting her, again, by contacting her! You don't seem to listen! Leave her alone!

You said in your initial post you would be abusive at times, can you clarify what you mean by abusive?

 

Verbally, mentally, physically, all three?

 

How do you know this would not happen again?

 

How can you know unless in the relationship again?

 

What steps have you taken to manage the intense emotions leading to your becoming abusive?

 

It's obvious you care for this girl deeply, so this thread and your acknowledgment of being an abuser in interesting to me.

 

Goes to show that abusers can be quite sensitive, capable of deep emotion, not all monsters.

 

Anyway, consider these questions because the last thing you want to do is get back together with her, and have those same intense emotions resurface leading you to become abusive once again.

 

Note it's very easy to believe you've healed when not in the relationship any longer.

 

The emotions that led to the abuse are replaced with intense missing and longing, nostalgia, and regret.

The reason I know is I’ve been out moving on and dating other girls. The thing is that they are of course rebounds. Never physical abuse, it would be like all her guy friends and her would hang out one on one and I would not trust her and get jealous saying things to her. She also did something with a guy at the start of the relationship, so I got verbally abusive when I was pained by that. I feel like I’m getting better because I’m not as deeply pained that she is exploring with this guy. She isn’t even trying to date him, or at least she told me.

Yes I care about her deeply. I know I wouldn’t again unless I broke it off or she did because of a big issue. I used to get mad at small issues.

It's only been three months?

 

Agree with Nikel, one does not go from being an abuser to non-abuser in three months.

 

You have serious issues to address and resolve before you are anywhere close to being healed from whatever led you to abusing her, no matter how you're defining it.

 

Are you in any sort of therapy/counseling addressing these issues?

 

Let this go OP, heal, learn and grow and take that with you into your next relationship.

Yes I’m doing therapy. I think that I’ve been doing a lot of things such as thinking about issues and thinking of my actions from a third person standpoint. I’m still jealous and hurt that she’s with this new guy and what she said about our relationship, I texted her but I didn’t insult her because she was single. I feel like my old self would’ve insulted or at least felt insanely hurt by it. After two days I don’t feel much except at night. I’ve learned to deal with problems in my mind instead of lashing out.

I think a lot of the issues happened because it was my first relationship.

Even now, you are trying to manipulate her to be with you.

 

You are trying to "change" in 3 months with the sole goal of getting her back. That's not how change works. You can't set a timeline on it.

 

You are planning to contact her after you moved on. If you moved on, there would be no need or desire to contact her.

 

Do yourself a favor and truly let go. You are being conniving, controlling, and manipulative...even right now as you post.

 

Yeah, it hurts. But try to learn something from this and actually move on.

 

I'm guessing you are just hurt that she is no longer chasing you. You loved the attention, not her.

By moving on, I mean move on from past feelings. You don’t have to be with someone, or know what they’re doing with other people to still care about them. In term of three months, realistically it would be 6 months. I’ve been working on abuse issues but I still have insane feelings for this girl. I’m not trying to manipulate her to love me, I want to make sure things go slow and she has real attraction towards me.

I might love attention, but other girls chased me. I just didn’t have the same feelings I did with this girl. We honestly had a great relationship.

 

We honestly had a great relationship.

If you did you'd still be together. You said you were abusive towards her, correct?

I've dated and married an abusive man and I can tell you it took half a life time to recover from it and to this day it's still a work in progress.

These men have gone on to do similar things in different relationships and though with time, age and failures they may have tempered a little, but they are still the same men they were years ago treating women a different version of the same way.

What's working for you is that you seem to be acknowledging your mistakes but unfortunately as long as you have an agenda to control the outcome of all of this, it's taking down the wrong road.

I promise you after you two have grown and evolved, you won't be a good fit ever again.

It doesn't matter if she chased you or if she's rebounding now.

What matters is that there is a valuable lesson in all of this and the lesson begins when you let go.

Yah, it hurts. Break ups usually do.

If you did you'd still be together. You said you were abusive towards her, correct?

 

I've dated and married an abusive man and I can tell you it took half a life time to recover from it and to this day it's still a work in progress.

 

These men have gone on to do similar things in different relationships and though with time, age and failures they may have tempered a little, but they are still the same men they were years ago treating women a different version of the same way.

 

What's working for you is that you seem to be acknowledging your mistakes but unfortunately as long as you have an agenda to control the outcome of all of this, it's taking down the wrong road.

 

I promise you after you two have grown and evolved, you won't be a good fit ever again.

It doesn't matter if she chased you or if she's rebounding now.

 

What matters is that there is a valuable lesson in all of this and the lesson begins when you let go.

Yah, it hurts. Break ups usually do.

I was abusive in terms of I got jealous of all her boy friends and I had trust issues. I would be scared if she went to bars. She cheated on me at the start of the relationship. I started to become depressed at the end, she thought she made me unhappy and I was killing myself. I’m not trying to control anything, but I do want to keep in contact. If she doesn’t want me after I’m better, she doesn’t. The issue is she still sees me in a bad light because of the past. She says it’s all an excuse which part of it might, but I grew up with a family of abusive people and I hate how it translated onto me.

We had a great relationship except my jealousy, possessiveness and my insecurity. I’m working on loving myself and being confident that I’m the best person I can be and I can trust other people. We really had a great connection. I think another issue was we were together all the time, next time I’ll make sure I have my own space and she has hers.

I honestly, know exactly what I did. My parents were abusive and my dad abused my mom. I never wanted to be like him, now after this first time I’m more aware. If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be trying everything in my power to fix it. Not only is this personal to me, but I care for her. I would honestly give this girl the world.

 

We had a great relationship except my jealousy, possessiveness and my insecurity.

 

.

You can't have one with the other.

It wasn't a great relationship and wasn't for her.

I can speak with experience, to be with someone jealous, possessive and insecure is a nightmare you don't overcome from easily.

Your determination to insert yourself into this girls life (despite what everyone tells you)is a reflection of the control issues you still have.

To be ultimately loving, you let someone go.

But I don't think you are going to take anyone's advise, so what can we do to help you?

You can't have one with the other.

It wasn't a great relationship and wasn't for her. I can speak with experience, to be with someone jealous, possessive and insecure is a nightmare you don't get heal from easily.

 

Your determination to insert yourself into this girls life (despite what everyone tells you)is a reflection of the control issues you still have.

To be ultimately loving, you let someone go.

Honestly didn’t see it that way. The way I saw it was to let her cool off and then see who I really am. Not that abusive person she hates now. I want to show them how I really am as a person just like how she sees that new guy.