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Wife is loving but constantly mean


Kc984

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i am a 36 yo and have built and sold a large business and am now an executive at a very large corporation. I’m very successful at work and lead a large team. Ive always been fit and healthy and am a well built man, I’m often asked if I play rugby. My point is, I’m confident and masculine to the average viewer. This is important context I think. I am also very caring and loving and would do anything for my wife, kids and friends....

I’ve been with my wife for 7 years and we have two young boys (3 and 1). I care about being a. Good father and husband. I wake up at 5am and hang out with my boys, make them breakfast and do something with them before I go to work. I do try to make sure I get to workout so I go to gym Saturday and Sunday every week for 1.5 hours. I vacuum, clean and make sure I help keep the house tidy...where possible I try to let my wife have a break.

 

My wife acts loving and caring towards me but constantly makes little comments that make me feel utterly useless. Constantly telling me “oh going to gym again...sure have fun. We will just stay here and do nothing while we wait”, “I can’t do whatever I want like you get too” —- but I tell her to think of something she wants to do or just leave me with kids and I’ll supoort it.

 

 

She constantly tells me things I did that are wrong...but inmdorectly “this would have been easier if you stayed in the car”, “oh god...look what you dressed him in...it’s too green, thin, hot, cold, yellow, nice, ugly...whatever”, “Sigghhh Omg no wonder you don’t do the dishwasher often. I’ll redo it”, “oh man look at all the water on the floor *there is hardly any* when you bath them don’t let them aolash* etc etc alll the time, all day every day: to the point I feel demotivated- I cant be bothered going tot he gym or helpings roudn the house. I read 5 love languages, I’ve spoken to her about it...nothing is helping and I feel unloved and like it’s sapoing my confidence and energy. I’m sad. I don’t want to leave my boys and I love her but I can’t take much more of this.

 

And I being a sook? Is this just normal life and I need to get used to it?

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Have you discussed this with her? That should be where you start. I know what it's like to be home with small kids and the can drive a person nuts from time to time. Perhaps she's jealous you are going out more than she does, even tho you've said she should go out and do whatever appeals to her. I wonder if a lot of her issue is frustration from being a stay at home mom with small kids. I've been there done that!

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First of all, does she work? Surely you're not holding down a full time executive job and doing all the housework and child care as well?

 

She sounds like a real kvetch. When you say you've spoken to her about it, can you explain how you've addressed the issue? Maybe you should sit down with her and explain that you're getting tired of the disrespect she shows you and you don't think you can take much more. What would she do if you said you were leaving?

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When is the last time you had a date night? Or left the kids ate grandma's for the weekend? When was the last time you acted like you were dating? Or spent quality alone time together, rather than just worry about the kids, work and your fitness/sports? What fun things (not family things) do you two do together?

 

Her backhanded remarks seem like resentment...that is something you need to address. This quickly and insidiously can turn into contempt. Try marriage counseling to tune up communication and get to the root of things.

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“where possible I try to let my wife have a break.”

 

When is it not possible?

When you are at work? That’s an obvious yes.

 

Outside of that , every minute is possible.

You mentioned spending time doing things with/for your kids in the mornings and helping out with bath times etc.

 

When you are at work , so is she.

 

Outside of both your work hours , the responsibility of raring children falls on you both.

Do you ask her is it cool if I go to the gym or do you tell her and expect her to stay with your children?

 

It’s a bit condescending to tell her to think of something to do and you essentially will babysit?

Why does she have to consult you when she wants to do something and ask you to mind your children but not the other way around?

 

Why do you make a point of doing household chores? Isn’t that a shared responsibility? Or do you truly believe she should do 16 hrs work in an 8 hr shift?

 

You are not her helper! You are a father so outside of your 8 hr shift that is your duty.

I think she works an 18 hr day and you work 8 hrs st the office and 2 hrs at home.

So, her 18 and you 10?

 

I think your frustration is minimal compared to hers.

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“where possible I try to let my wife have a break.”

 

When is it not possible?

When you are at work? That’s an obvious yes.

 

Outside of that , every minute is possible.

You mentioned spending time doing things with/for your kids in the mornings and helping out with bath times etc.

 

When you are at work , so is she.

 

Outside of both your work hours , the responsibility of raring children falls on you both.

Do you ask her is it cool if I go to the gym or do you tell her and expect her to stay with your children?

 

It’s a bit condescending to tell her to think of something to do and you essentially will babysit?

Why does she have to consult you when she wants to do something and ask you to mind your children but not the other way around?

 

Why do you make a point of doing household chores? Isn’t that a shared responsibility? Or do you truly believe she should do 16 hrs work in an 8 hr shift?

 

You are not her helper! You are a father so outside of your 8 hr shift that is your duty.

I think she works an 18 hr day and you work 8 hrs st the office and 2 hrs at home.

So, her 18 and you 10?

 

I think your frustration is minimal compared to hers.

 

I may have missed it, but I didn't see any mention of her working or not working outside the home. If she does not work outside the home, then I would say KC is doing an "above and beyond" job as a Husband and Dad. If she is working outside the home, then yes, it is a shared responsibility and he is doing what he should. However, she does need some "me" time regardless!

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“where possible I try to let my wife have a break.”

 

When is it not possible?

When you are at work? That’s an obvious yes.

 

Outside of that , every minute is possible.

You mentioned spending time doing things with/for your kids in the mornings and helping out with bath times etc.

 

When you are at work , so is she.

 

Outside of both your work hours , the responsibility of raring children falls on you both.

Do you ask her is it cool if I go to the gym or do you tell her and expect her to stay with your children?

 

It’s a bit condescending to tell her to think of something to do and you essentially will babysit?

Why does she have to consult you when she wants to do something and ask you to mind your children but not the other way around?

 

Why do you make a point of doing household chores? Isn’t that a shared responsibility? Or do you truly believe she should do 16 hrs work in an 8 hr shift?

 

You are not her helper! You are a father so outside of your 8 hr shift that is your duty.

I think she works an 18 hr day and you work 8 hrs st the office and 2 hrs at home.

So, her 18 and you 10?

 

I think your frustration is minimal compared to hers.

 

He made it a point to show he was sharing in the responsibility.

 

And no, she is not working an 18 hour day. I was a stay at home dad for a long time. It was much easier than going to work for 8 to 10 hours and then coming home and being a dad as well.

 

Frankly, I get tired of the assumption and idea that no-one shows stay at home mom's respect when most people do. I've been there and done it. It was actually pretty great.

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He made it a point to show he was sharing in the responsibility.

 

And no, she is not working an 18 hour day. I was a stay at home dad for a long time. It was much easier than going to work for 8 to 10 hours and then coming home and being a dad as well.

 

Frankly, I get tired of the assumption and idea that no-one shows stay at home mom's respect when most people do. I've been there and done it. It was actually pretty great.

 

Amen! I've done both, and trust me... being home with kids is FAR less stressful than having a career with all the deadline pressure and back stabbing. I have to wonder, if people are so hell bent on how terrible it is to stay home with the kids (and I'm NOT saying it is easy), then perhaps they consider it a job, and they don't enjoy their children... Shame they make it sound like a chore they don't want to do!

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Your wife is passive aggressive, the glass is always empty kind of a personality. Which means you'll need to grow a very thick skin to get along and also learn how to respond to her without rewarding passive aggressive comments. In other words, when she makes these comments, don't appease her or try harder to please, call her out on it. Ask her what her problem actually is. It's a long road but the more direct you are with her, the more you discourage passive aggressive communication, the better it will be for both of you. It's a personality trait and a habitual manner of communication that can be somewhat changed when being passive aggressive doesn't work and she has to seek other ways to communicate.

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This falls on you OP. You need to communicate with her to find out why she does this, if she even notices she is doing it, is suffering from depression or low self esteem, etc It's silly to think leaving the marriage is your answer. I feel, even tho you do so much to help out, she's feeling neglected as a romantic partner, feeling unattractive and lonely because she does stay home all day. She doesn't feel she has value, doesn't get to have purpose like a career does for you.

Just throwing it at her that she should figure out what she wants to do is like being pushed aside like you don't care. I'm not saying you don't care, but that is how she sees it. My sister-in law is going through the same thing. She's been a stay at home mom for 7 years now, and it's taking it's toll on her. There is a lot of bickering going on between her and her husband about the kids, money, you name it.

 

Talk to her, have a discussion... a calm, honest, but fair one to find out what's wrong, and also point out how you feel. If it doesn't work, marriage counseling would be your best bet.

 

I agree with the others that she is being resentful because she can't do whatever she wants. I guess you could call it cabin fever...being cooped up pretty much 24/7 with the kids. An hour in the morning free time and an afternoon a few times a week isn't going to cut it. For me that is one of the many reasons I never had kids...I like my freedom way too much.

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How long has she been like this?

 

Could she have postpartum depression? some people suffer from it long after they've given birth. Either that, or she is resentful towards you for something she hasn't told you. Many people that lack communication skills act this way (passive aggressive). You need to make time to speak with her openly, even go to counseling together so a third party with a neutral stance is there to provide guidance.

 

I had a personal experience with postpartum depression and I remember being like that, nag to my husband about little things, but it passed and we were happy after

 

Best of luck

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How often do you do something all together, as a family?

 

And just you and her, as a couple?

 

It may be that she feels you and she aren’t spending much quality time together, and have lost yourselves in the roles of Mom and Dad. Something is underlying those snippy remarks.

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I would need to know if she works outside the home and if she has ever worked full time and if so in what capacity/what level of intensity. I was home full time for 7.5 years (and no family available to help) with a husband with a very busy work and travel schedule and responsibility for his parents who were not well. And because I'd worked outside the home for almost 20 years including 15-17 at really high intensity before getting married/having a child I never would have thought of my husband as "getting to do whatever he wants" or seeing work as somehow easier than what I was doing just because he could choose to have lunch alone or with friends once in awhile. His work was not like that; mine had not been like that. And even if I'd never worked outside the home I think spouses have a responsibility to work on empathy -try to see each other's situations from that person's perspective. It's easier when you've had first hand experience but nonetheless it's part of our role as spouses. And it can be hard when you're sleep deprived.

 

I'm sure I kvetched at times/made passive/aggressive comments at times but in general I try to be direct. Yesterday I told him that he just didn't get how hard I work getting our son ready for school in the morning (which has been my role the last 5 years - meaning since he started needing to get ready by a certain time because of a school bus time) based on a comment he made. Critical? I guess but direct -I was frustrated by his comment that made certain assumptions.

 

Try to get to the root of it and not the whole "who works harder" contest -no one wins. She's got her hands full and so do you.

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Communicate with her. Pick a good time and tell her how her actions and words have affected you. Both of you should be open to growing and evolving together and humble enough to see where wrongs can be changed to lessons for each other. Pride, I think, is the number one downfall of most marriages and the inability to communicate properly. You may be loving and affectionate towards the kids and offer her time off to do her own things but how much affection in your love life with her is there? When was the last time you both spent time together on a date or were able to look each other in the eye or laugh and crack jokes?

 

Nobody here has any secret answers for you. You know your relationship best. Speak with her and open up the conversation with some humility and desire to understand each other. If you come at her with complaints and hostility or a lot of resentment, you're going to blow the conversation and the tones will change. Some people are not capable of understanding others and that's always something to factor in but you're both married so I'll wage that there is some commitment to understand and work together. Focus on that and be smart about the time and place you choose to speak with her and I'd check your complaints and come at the conversation more from a team perspective.

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Don't let your 3 and 1 year old splash in the bath? What?

 

Look, man. She's giving you **** because she can. I don't know if she's depressed, which especially with having relatively recently having given birth and perhaps having a difficult time with the role of primary giver would be plenty understandable, but if you're carrying your fair load of household chores (honestly don't know why you're the one vacuuming, though), offering her to take the kids off her hands so she can unwind in her own way, and otherwise lending an area and shoulder when she wants one, there's not a whole lot more you can or should do.

 

Frankly, our expectations of women can be low enough to where we're just kinda cool with them acting like a passive aggressive teenager and treating their partners as an emotional punching bag. That's not a gripe because I'm personally happy to be held to conventionally be held to a higher standard in that regard, but that's to stress to you that your wife's an adult, and she's your partner. Afford both her and yourself the respect of treating her as such. Obviously absent you harming it, fair or not, PPD or cabin fever, she's responsible for her mental health. More importantly, she's responsible to not treat her husband negatively as a means to cope. If she's depressed, she needs to be acting to alleviate it, with you supporting her in that endeavor. I'd give her one kind moment of, "Look, these constant quips have really started to tear me down. I don't know if there's anything deeper behind them, but if there is, we need to explore it. But as is, this is quite simply unsustainable." If you can resolve it with a table talk, great. If you end up needing a professional involved, do what you gotta do. If she ends up not willing to fully play ball, you're gonna have to make some hard decisions.

 

She's plenty aware of your humility at this point. No one without any excess of it would put up with these quips for however long. If she needs help, she needs help. But she also needs to know this is absolutely not OK.

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My point about humility is about not starting off a conversation on the wrong foot and being rude. There's a difference between telling someone when their behaviour is not ok and explaining how that behaviour affects the other person. I'm more for the latter as it's explanatory rather than simply a statement which can be blown out of proportion (battle of wills).

 

I'm of the mind that a couple should work things out together instead of any one person taking the high road and flipping the other off or suggesting the other partner needs help prematurely.

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Let me guess - you dump 98% of all the childcare on her? And you go to the gym 3 hours on weekends. I am not sure if I remembered to brush my hair today. And you want 3.5 hours (.5 for travel) of complete time off from the most needy and annoying ages of 3 and 1? Ugh. Insert massive eye roll from me.

 

She is probably in charge of all homecare, childcare (probably still nursing), doc appts, activities & events, house duties, cooking, shopping, coordinates all the maintenance, researching pre-schools, vacations. And even with daycare, who carpools them to it?

 

And the dish washing. Ask her questions or watch her do it so you can learn, cuz you are probably doing a crap job, so you can eventually get out of it. And let me guess, you also don't wipe down the counters, or clean the sink, but leave all the gunk in it?

 

You know why she can't figure out what to do for free-time - it's because there is no one else doing what she needs to do, it's overwhelming. NEVER ENDING CRAP TO DO. And it gets worse with all the PTA events, after school sports, the potty training, homework when they can't read (common core sucks).

 

If you want a different result - do your own laundry/dry-cleaning from now on, make dinner reservations regularly, find a baby sitter (whether your folks, her folks, someone you hire) and make the arrangements.

 

And btw, her love language is acts of service. Chores is not an act of service - it should be a given she does not have to ask for every time or regularly.

 

You think it'd get easier if you left - you'd still need to run an entire household by yourself, and manage two kids on days you have them.

 

Just because you have a nice job, and life may be fine, but she is still drowning with managing probably all of the household. Caring for TWO toddlers is exhausting.

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I agree that 3.5 hours to workout as a block of time is excessive. What my husband and I do is keep it to 35-40 minutes total - that is what I did when my husband could be around to relieve me at a time I could exercise (meaning not late at night -I was toast by then, forget it)- I mostly combined my exercise time with my child in the stroller and later when he was in latte school (latte school is one of those 3-4 hour preschools where between drop off and pick off you barely have time to get a latte let alone get anything else done lol). My husband is back to power walking and he will do it outside (so no travel time to a gym) and in 35-40 minutes. Also he sleeps in on weekends but takes our child for the afternoon, etc.

 

Can you hire a cleaning service- that was my husband's suggestion when our son was born -that I hire someone weekly. I opted for biweekly because of my son's nap schedule plus the time it would take to declutter for the cleaning service lol).

 

And I wanted to chime in on something else Tattoobunnie wrote - please keep in mind that scheduling things and calling, etc takes lots of time and also takes up valuable time -meaning you cannot call a doctor's office to make an appointment at 1am when you're up with a sick child so often you have to call while you're with your young child. And it takes time to get all the stuff ready for an outing -whether it's the diaper bag, backpack or other stuff - so if you're not doing that -that's fine -but understand it all takes time even if you have it down to a routine.

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Let me guess - you dump 98% of all the childcare on her? And you go to the gym 3 hours on weekends. I am not sure if I remembered to brush my hair today. And you want 3.5 hours (.5 for travel) of complete time off from the most needy and annoying ages of 3 and 1? Ugh. Insert massive eye roll from me.

 

She is probably in charge of all homecare, childcare (probably still nursing), doc appts, activities & events, house duties, cooking, shopping, coordinates all the maintenance, researching pre-schools, vacations. And even with daycare, who carpools them to it?

 

And the dish washing. Ask her questions or watch her do it so you can learn, cuz you are probably doing a crap job, so you can eventually get out of it. And let me guess, you also don't wipe down the counters, or clean the sink, but leave all the gunk in it?

 

You know why she can't figure out what to do for free-time - it's because there is no one else doing what she needs to do, it's overwhelming. NEVER ENDING CRAP TO DO. And it gets worse with all the PTA events, after school sports, the potty training, homework when they can't read (common core sucks).

 

If you want a different result - do your own laundry/dry-cleaning from now on, make dinner reservations regularly, find a baby sitter (whether your folks, her folks, someone you hire) and make the arrangements.

 

And btw, her love language is acts of service. Chores is not an act of service - it should be a given she does not have to ask for every time or regularly.

 

You think it'd get easier if you left - you'd still need to run an entire household by yourself, and manage two kids on days you have them.

 

Just because you have a nice job, and life may be fine, but she is still drowning with managing probably all of the household. Caring for TWO toddlers is exhausting.

 

How on earth can you say all those things about the OP... judging him with very little info. Sounds like someone is lashing out due to their own issues... :tongue:

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I agree with Camber. We simply don't have enough information to make an informed comment. He still hasn't answered the question about if she works full time.

 

And as someone said earlier, caring for a a few children doesn't compare to getting up and working a full time, demanding job. In my opinion, of course.

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Wow, I'd actually be quite angry in your position OP.

It goes without saying that harsh nagging and criticism aren't acceptable in a relationship, no?!

And she's tearing down on you about how you handle the kids. I think she probably feels out of control, so she's trying to convince herself that no one else but her can possibly do what she does. She's threatened - but I'd still be pissed for her speaking like that and in front of your kids too! Last thing you need is a mom at home full time showing her kids how daddy isn't worth respect and only mommy can do domestic right.

 

I'd be straight and tell her this needs to stop. OF COURSE, you listen to what she has to say too. But no excuses for this behavior. It's disrespectful.

 

If being at home full time doesn't work for her, tell her other arrangements can be made. She can get back into work.

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How on earth can you say all those things about the OP... judging him with very little info. Sounds like someone is lashing out due to their own issues... :tongue:

 

Definitely agree here. Sounds like someone has to work through their own issues. Criticizing him for how well he does dishes? She should show appreciation for him helping out and could offer a friendly suggestion or ask a favor. Criticizing will only cause resentment. Something tells me you have yet to learn this.

 

 

 

 

 

Heck, 4 hours at the gym each weekend. I see no issue if he's willing to take the kids just as often when he is off. He said he has offered. There's not much he can do otherwise. Spend more time with her, plan an occassional surprise date where the kids are at grandma's etc.

 

Make it a regular thing. The reality is, we don't know what's ailing her.

 

Something is eating at her.

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Okay I think there are a lot of assumptions being made and we will not know until the OP answers some of the very good questions that have been asked.

 

I would like to add a question to the others: Was she like this before you married? Before the children? Is she like this with family or is it only with you?

 

Okay that was 3 questions but pertinent.

 

Lost

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