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Thread: My boyfriend refused to have my name on the house we will buy

  1. #21
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    The first red flag is that he's not on board to move near you or to a place with better job prospects for you. That already makes you peripheral rather than a priority, and why would you want to usurp your whole life to be peripheral to someone else? I'd skip that, and I'd skip him.
    She elaborates later in the thread:

    Originally Posted by MissIvy
    You are right on the point. I do not want to move there, but he has the same problem as me. Heís licensed in many states except for where I am as the state I live in has very strict rules. Anyway, he makes more money than I do so even if I donít have a job, we will still be ok with his only income.
    And in the bold is a much bigger red flag than anything about him she's mentioned. First of all pushing him to make a huge joint financial commitment in exchange for her relocating when they've almost exclusively been LDR. Second in dissuading him from accepting help from his parents in such a large purchase (while I'm not privileged with the opportunity to accept or decline such help from a parent, I'd never persuade someone not to for themselves). And third, while pushing him to turn down the assistance, even remotely accepting the fact it'd be just fine for him to carry the joint burden she's pushing for should she not be able to get a job. Being honest, I actually find it pretty disturbing and I pray for the guy's sake he stands his ground firmly. She's content putting almost the entirety of the responsibility and risk on him.

    Flip the script to a man telling a woman for him to move to her, she needs to not accept help from her parents, put his name on the deed, and that "they'll be fine even if he doesn't get a job." That's a whole lot of wow.

  2. #22
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    I hear ya j.man, but many (or some) will view it differently due to the whole "man is the provider" mindset, which is still very much alive in today's society.

    Not saying I agree, I actually don't, only explaining the double standard.

    OP admitted she needs "security."

    I interpreted that to mean financial security, which lends credence to what you just posted, but she considers it standard due to the "man is provider" mindset.

    That's my take it on it anyway.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by MissIvy
    We have lives together for 3 months. We know each otherís well.
    3 months is not enough time to truly know a person. You don't know enough to know what happens when they become complacent or have lived with them for a long time.

    Frankly, you know nothing.

  4. #24
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Hmm, perhaps abitbroken can clarify, but it is my understanding that individual personal assets acquired prior to the marriage remain separate.

    Since she won't be on the deed or title, the house will be considered her bf's personal property and remain separate from marital property (assets mutually acquired after the marriage).

    I could be wrong though, I don't work in real estate law, it was how I understood it though.

    You may be right about the pre nup.

    Think I will research it, I'm curious now!
    Yeah, it's a bit tricky. It depends on the state you live in, etc. But I read that 'marital property' is anything that is acquired during the marriage period, and that includes debt. So technically, if she and her husband are both contributing to the mortgage over a period of years, then the house might be considered marital property.

    Best to consult a lawyer, anyway.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Yet another scenario where LDRs are a horrible idea to enter into when one person has to give up a career they worked so hard to achieve. Don't think that whoever will need to give up that career won't eventually feel animosity, and the person who is not contributing as much financially will be stressed about that new status quo, along with the higher earner possibly feeling like they're pulling too much weight with the uneven balance. Marriage is sometimes stressful, and to add these egregious issues doesn't spell well for a happy future.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Hmm, perhaps abitbroken can clarify, but it is my understanding that individual personal assets acquired prior to the marriage remain separate.

    Since she won't be on the deed or title, the house will be considered her bf's personal property and remain separate from marital property (assets mutually acquired after the marriage).

    I could be wrong though, I don't work in real estate law, it was how I understood it though.

    You may be right about the pre nup.

    Think I will research it, I'm curious now!
    Some states have dowagers rights. If the home is the marital home, and was purchased for that purpose, he can't leave her high and dry. In my state, if you are married 10 years and have lived in that house together for that time, its your marital home - i have seen it in action. Although the non-mortgage holding party may not "get" the house, they are entitled to equity if it sells and most of the time are entitled to the other party to provide for a living situation in lieu of "half the house".

    In some states, it doesn't have to be 10 years.

    If someone buys a rental or investment or vacation house - 100% premarital property.
    If someone buys a house 10 years before they even meet someone - yes premarital -- unless say they married and after 30 years their marriage dissolves - the other spouse is entitled to something.

    Honestly, i would move to an apartment or roommate situation separately from him an "date" him. Decide if you really want to marry him. You don't know someone only being around them for 3 months. And he is already buying a house instead of deciding to wait until the two of you can househunt TOGETHER after marriage.

    Yes you CAN qualify to buy a house if you are out of state before you move and give up your job. Once you move and suddenly have no income, you won't qualify. BUt there is no reason you couldn't be on the deed if he wanted you to be. tons of husbands and wives where the wife stayed at home with the kids were on the deed together over the years if your state is a lien theory state.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When a couple buys a house together, both of their credit ratings are looked at to determine the interest rate of the loan. A spouse can't just be added to the deed after the purchase unless the house is refinanced, entailing another closing cost. Also consider the possibility of divorce and that you will be giving up your highest earning potential years, along with being able to put good money into retirement savings. You're gambling with a very high risk situation.

  9. #28
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    In any case, you would be a FOOL to agree to live with him, pay your share of the expenses and NOT be on the mortgage.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    When a couple buys a house together, both of their credit ratings are looked at to determine the interest rate of the loan. A spouse can't just be added to the deed after the purchase unless the house is refinanced, entailing another closing cost. Also consider the possibility of divorce and that you will be giving up your highest earning potential years, along with being able to put good money into retirement savings. You're gambling with a very high risk situation.
    Depends on the state. In some, the bank holds the title until it is paid off so you cannot just add someone. In others, where the homeowner has the title in their name and the mortgage is a lien - you can have both spouses on the deed, one on the mortgage but with the other signing awareness/knowledge of the mortgage. If 2 people are on the mortgage, ie, he takes out a mortgage with dear old mom, then mom and son would have to be on the deed with or without the other spouse. It all really depends on the state.

    But either way, the fact that he went ahead and bought a house while engaged instead of figuring it out together after marriage is indeed a red flag. What if she doesn't find a job right nearby but does an hour away -- they have no freedom to look for somewhere to live in the middle or where schools they like are. They really should be renting or living somewhere that can change after marriage when they figure things out.

    I do think that she will be very isolated and he will have all control if she has no job. She should not move without a job. I predict if she does go through with this, she will be back complaining about how its all about him and mom and she has no voice.

  11. #30
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    OK, people have addressed your financial concerns about not being put on the home title. But nobody has asked about this state licensing that is preventing a career move.

    Can you get re-licensed in another state without retesting, just a fee? Or, will another state make you go through the whole rigamarole?

    My brother has a dental license in one state and had to get retested in another to practice dentistry. It was a big hassle. But he did it.

    If you could get re-licensed, would that make the move more palatable?

    In any case, I would not move or pay for a home purchase until this were sorted out.

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