My boyfriend refused to have my name on the house we will buy

Hello All,

I need help. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3.5 years. We have been long distance since day 1. We fly to see each other’s every 2 months. We have decided to get married and move to where he is.

I told him many times that I do not want to move because my family is all in the south and need me to take care of them. Also, I won’t be able to find a job since I only have a license to work at my current state.

I told him that in order to move, my name has to be on the house that we are about to buy, I will help with down payment.

He said his parents are helping with the down payment. (he’s a momma’s boy). My worry is that they will dictate our life in the future if we agree to take their money and my name is not on the house.

I want security if I am going to give up my family and job to move to where he is. I will try to find other jobs, but the pay won’t be as well without a license.

Am I wrong to ask the house be under both of our names? Please advise. Thank you!

No, you’re not wrong.

 

No way in a million years would I consider uprooting my life, leaving a licensed position, to go live in some house that doesn’t belong to me with a guy who has no legal commitment to me. You will be completely at his mercy should anything happen. I’m sorry to be blunt but you would have to be a complete idiot to put yourself in that situation.

Do his parents know about you?

 

Do they know you will be moving in?

Not a hope in fack would I buy a house without my name on it , ever!!

I suggest talking to an attorney.

 

I work in legal, and am fairly certain if your name isn't on the title, when he sells, he gets all the money from the sale, you get ZERO.

 

So you contribute to the down payment, pay half the mortgage every month for years possibly, and get no return on your investment when he sells.

 

You may as well call yourself a tenant who pays rent, and gifted him $$ for the down payment.

 

And I'm sorry too but I echo indea's sentiments -- you would have to be a complete idiot to put yourself in that situation.

 

Edit: I would immediately dump any bf who even suggested such a thing, clearly he's only thinking of himself, and doesn't give a rat's rear end about you.

 

Next..

I would not marry him. You barely know him.

 

I suggest talking to an attorney.

 

I work in legal, and am fairly certain if your name isn't on the title, when he sells, he gets all the money from the sale, you get ZERO.

 

So you contribute to the down payment, pay half the mortgage every month for years possibly, and get no return on your investment when he sells.

 

You may as well call yourself a tenant who pays rent, and gifted him $$ for the down payment.

 

And I'm sorry too but I echo indea's sentiments -- you would have to be a complete idiot to put yourself in that situation.

 

Edit: I would immediately dump any bf who even suggested such a thing, clearly he's only thinking of himself, and doesn't give a rat's rear end about you.

 

Next..

 

True, unless they are married 10 years/have kids because it technically would be their marital home.

Attorneys don't let people get away with buying a house weeks before the wedding and trying to say its only their home and the other person is not entitled. If he bought it before they met, or well before engagement its a different matter, but its intended as the marital home. It is a gray area, especially if they have children and have longevity.

 

At any rate- - this is a raw deal for you. I would either move an only DATE him -- long distance relationships go at a slower pace or you forget him and meet someone local who would love to live in your area

No, you’re not wrong.

 

No way in a million years would I consider uprooting my life, leaving a licensed position, to go live in some house that doesn’t belong to me with a guy who has no legal commitment to me. You will be completely at his mercy should anything happen. I’m sorry to be blunt but you would have to be a complete idiot to put yourself in that situation.

 

Took the words right out of my mouth! DO NOT move or marry this guy if your name is not on the deed for the house. DO NOT marry a momma's boy either, you will always come a distant second after momma.

 

Yes you'd be a complete idiot to uproot yourself and go move to another country to be a TENANT in a house his momma helped him buy. Give your head a shake.

Dealbreaker #1: He makes a major life decision without his supposed lifetime partner's agreeing on the matter.

 

Dealbreaker #2: Never date/marry a mama's boy. As a teen, I dated one for two years and it was the main reason I dumped him. Mama's needs will always override Wifey's needs. You're already being left out of THEIR plans for THEIR future. Let this be your wakeup call and do what's best for yourself. THEY don't have your back, that's for sure.

I told him that in order to move, my name has to be on the house that we are about to buy, I will help with down payment.

Let me ask you, is he telling you that you'd have to put in a down payment to move there, or is there an option for you to move there without you having to put in a down payment? How much I'd call the guy a villain is heavily dependent on it. Because while I can fully respect and in fact expect someone not to put money down without some guaranteed equity, I can also respect someone not jumping into splitting a mortgage with someone they'd entirely been in a LDR with until now. I'd actually call it as irresponsible as it would be stupid.

 

I think you're jumping the gun, and you're doing so in a big way. Let him do what he wants and put whatever money he wants into a down payment. Line up a job, rent your own place, and properly integrate each other into your lives. Honestly, I don't have the sympathy that many do for someone who elects to uproot their life allegedly for the sake of someone else and their relationship. In fact, I scrutinize it a whole lot more than I respect it. Otherwise, it screams you've got so little going on or so little pride in what you've got that you'd jump on someone else's coattails. Not saying that's always the case, but more often than not, the way people do it pretty much says nothing but it.

 

So no, putting a down payment on something not in your name would be awful. But if that's not in fact what he expects you to do, and if rather you're telling him you're not going to move there if not for the guaranteed shared equity right off the bat, then I'm sorry, but I gotta throw in with broseph. I think it's incredibly unreasonable and in fact manipulative to push him into such an endeavor.

I'm wondering the same as jman.

 

The way I'm reading it, and I may be misunderstanding , is that he plans to buy a house with his parents.

And that you do not like this, and do not want to move to where he is unless he agrees to buy this house with you instead ( both put into downpayment, both names on it, no parental money).

 

It seems you aren't keen on moving there for many reasons, yet you've decided to marry him, so you want to move there into a marital home.

 

Is this correct?

You need to reconsider the entire relationship. You barely know each other and have never lived in the same place. Putting your name on the deed is not going to solve issues with your relocation, job, family or his "mama's boy" issues. Do not put money down on a house. Instead do not get married, rent a place for a while and see if you can stand living together or stand being away from your hometown.

We have been long distance since day 1.

I told him many times that I do not want to move because my family is all in the south

I won’t be able to find a job since I only have a license to work at my current state.

I told him that in order to move, my name has to be on the house that we are about to buy, I will help with down payment.

He said his parents are helping with the down payment.

Yes. His parents know that we are getting married.

I'm wondering the same as jman.

You

The way I'm reading it, and I may be misunderstanding , is that he plans to buy a house with his parents.

And that you do not like this, and do not want to move to where he is unless he agrees to buy this house with you instead ( both put into downpayment, both names on it, no parental money).

 

It seems you aren't keen on moving there for many reasons, yet you've decided to marry him, so you want to move there into a marital home.

 

Is this correct?

 

You are right on the point. I do not want to move there, but he has the same problem as me. He’s licensed in many states except for where I am as the state I live in has very strict rules. Anyway, he makes more money than I do so even if I don’t have a job, we will still be ok with his only income.

I'm wondering the same as jman.

 

The way I'm reading it, and I may be misunderstanding , is that he plans to buy a house with his parents.

And that you do not like this, and do not want to move to where he is unless he agrees to buy this house with you instead ( both put into downpayment, both names on it, no parental money).

 

It seems you aren't keen on moving there for many reasons, yet you've decided to marry him, so you want to move there into a marital home.

 

Is this correct?

 

You need to reconsider the entire relationship. You barely know each other and have never lived in the same place. Putting your name on the deed is not going to solve issues with your relocation, job, family or his "mama's boy" issues. Do not put money down on a house. Instead do not get married, rent a place for a while and see if you can stand living together or stand being away from your hometown.

 

We have lives together for 3 months. We know each other’s well.

I'm wondering the same as jman.

 

The way I'm reading it, and I may be misunderstanding , is that he plans to buy a house with his parents.

And that you do not like this, and do not want to move to where he is unless he agrees to buy this house with you instead ( both put into downpayment, both names on it, no parental money).

 

It seems you aren't keen on moving there for many reasons, yet you've decided to marry him, so you want to move there into a marital home.

 

Is this correct?

 

No, you’re not wrong.

 

No way in a million years would I consider uprooting my life, leaving a licensed position, to go live in some house that doesn’t belong to me with a guy who has no legal commitment to me. You will be completely at his mercy should anything happen. I’m sorry to be blunt but you would have to be a complete idiot to put yourself in that situation.

 

Thank you!

I'm wondering the same as jman.

 

The way I'm reading it, and I may be misunderstanding , is that he plans to buy a house with his parents.

And that you do not like this, and do not want to move to where he is unless he agrees to buy this house with you instead ( both put into downpayment, both names on it, no parental money).

 

It seems you aren't keen on moving there for many reasons, yet you've decided to marry him, so you want to move there into a marital home.

 

Is this correct?

 

Do his parents know about you?

 

Do they know you will be moving in?

 

Yes, they do. They know we are getting married.

There's no way that I'd make such a financial investment with a guy who I've only known long distance. That's a potential disaster waiting to happen that can take years and thousands in legal fees to undo. I'd rather rent my own place nearby and DATE the guy long enough to learn whether you're actually a good match, OR, I'd skip him and invest in finding a good local lover with whom I'll grow into old age--and still keep my friends, family and career in tact.

 

The first red flag is that he's not on board to move near you or to a place with better job prospects for you. That already makes you peripheral rather than a priority, and why would you want to usurp your whole life to be peripheral to someone else? I'd skip that, and I'd skip him.

Have you discussed how much each would contribute to finances once you buy a house?

Also, if and when you get married, the house will be part of the 'marital property,' unless you sign a pre-nup.

Also, if and when you get married, the house will be part of the 'marital property,' unless you sign a pre-nup.

 

 

Hmm, perhaps abitbroken can clarify, but it is my understanding that individual personal assets acquired prior to the marriage remain separate.

 

Since she won't be on the deed or title, the house will be considered her bf's personal property and remain separate from marital property (assets mutually acquired after the marriage).

 

I could be wrong though, I don't work in real estate law, it was how I understood it though.

 

You may be right about the pre nup.

 

Think I will research it, I'm curious now!

The first red flag is that he's not on board to move near you or to a place with better job prospects for you. That already makes you peripheral rather than a priority, and why would you want to usurp your whole life to be peripheral to someone else? I'd skip that, and I'd skip him.

She elaborates later in the thread:

 

You are right on the point. I do not want to move there, but he has the same problem as me. He’s licensed in many states except for where I am as the state I live in has very strict rules. Anyway, he makes more money than I do so even if I don’t have a job, we will still be ok with his only income.

And in the bold is a much bigger red flag than anything about him she's mentioned. First of all pushing him to make a huge joint financial commitment in exchange for her relocating when they've almost exclusively been LDR. Second in dissuading him from accepting help from his parents in such a large purchase (while I'm not privileged with the opportunity to accept or decline such help from a parent, I'd never persuade someone not to for themselves). And third, while pushing him to turn down the assistance, even remotely accepting the fact it'd be just fine for him to carry the joint burden she's pushing for should she not be able to get a job. Being honest, I actually find it pretty disturbing and I pray for the guy's sake he stands his ground firmly. She's content putting almost the entirety of the responsibility and risk on him.

 

Flip the script to a man telling a woman for him to move to her, she needs to not accept help from her parents, put his name on the deed, and that "they'll be fine even if he doesn't get a job." That's a whole lot of wow.

I hear ya j.man, but many (or some) will view it differently due to the whole "man is the provider" mindset, which is still very much alive in today's society.

 

Not saying I agree, I actually don't, only explaining the double standard.

 

OP admitted she needs "security."

 

I interpreted that to mean financial security, which lends credence to what you just posted, but she considers it standard due to the "man is provider" mindset.

 

That's my take it on it anyway.

We have lives together for 3 months. We know each other’s well.

 

3 months is not enough time to truly know a person. You don't know enough to know what happens when they become complacent or have lived with them for a long time.

 

Frankly, you know nothing.

Hmm, perhaps abitbroken can clarify, but it is my understanding that individual personal assets acquired prior to the marriage remain separate.

 

Since she won't be on the deed or title, the house will be considered her bf's personal property and remain separate from marital property (assets mutually acquired after the marriage).

 

I could be wrong though, I don't work in real estate law, it was how I understood it though.

 

You may be right about the pre nup.

 

Think I will research it, I'm curious now!

 

Yeah, it's a bit tricky. It depends on the state you live in, etc. But I read that 'marital property' is anything that is acquired during the marriage period, and that includes debt. So technically, if she and her husband are both contributing to the mortgage over a period of years, then the house might be considered marital property.

 

Best to consult a lawyer, anyway.

Yet another scenario where LDRs are a horrible idea to enter into when one person has to give up a career they worked so hard to achieve. Don't think that whoever will need to give up that career won't eventually feel animosity, and the person who is not contributing as much financially will be stressed about that new status quo, along with the higher earner possibly feeling like they're pulling too much weight with the uneven balance. Marriage is sometimes stressful, and to add these egregious issues doesn't spell well for a happy future.