I feel like his personal doormat...

I don't honestly know where to begin, there's so much on my mind. My boyfriend and I have been together, on and off for 8 years, together for 5 years straight now, and we have a 4 year old daughter together. I'm a stay at home mother, something I never in a million years wanted, but due to no help from family/friends and daycare being too expensive, this is where I'm at. For 4 years now. I've lost all my friends, and if you ask me what my interests are, I honestly draw a blank. I don't know who I am anymore, only who I used to be.

My boyfriend works at a warehouse, he has an extremely demanding job and I appreciate him so much for it, but I can't shake the feeling he doesn't appreciate me in the same way I do him. Examples being he used to come home from work and go straight to his computer to play games. Both our daughter and I would try to interact with him and he'd just ignore us. On weekends he would go out with friends and god forbid I asked him to take our DD out for some alone time. I brought this to his attention multiple times as non-confrontational as I could and nothing changed until finally I told him "You're never around, I feel like I might as well be a single mother. I love you and I want us to work, but I can't do this if this is how it is going to be" and his response? He sat and cried and then told me the following day he wanted to leave because I was disrespectful to him. I never wanted to come across that way, I just didn't know how else to make him listen. I more or less said "if you feel like you want out, then I can't do anything. I'm tired of catering to you and when I need help, you threaten to leave" (this was the 2nd time in 5 years he threatened the relationship) and when he saw my indifference, he did a complete 180. He suddenly wanted to keep trying, and he started spending more time with us. Problem solved.

Fast forward to around Janurary 2019, we were recovering financially from a car accident, and money was tight. I'm talking "can't pay the bills, choose between eating or paying rent" kind of tight. Serious business. We were both smokers and decided that $200 a month on cigarettes was ridiculous and in our current financial situation, we had to quit. And I did. Cold turkey. He, on the other hand, kept smoking. He would lie about it to my face and I would be left wondering why we still couldn't pay rent, why we were still struggling to afford food and where on earth all this money was going. Turns out a family member that works with him found cigarettes in his locker at work, and not only that, when I looked at the bank statement, he was buying $40-$60 video games and getting take out on his way to work while I'm at home struggling. Trust is HUGE to me. I'm an understanding person, quitting smoking is hard, but I grew up struggling because of my mothers many addictions and I refuse to do that to my child so when he came home that night, I told him I couldn't do it. He cried, he begged, and I agreed to stay. Three days later, he again said he wanted to leave because I was being "controlling." Again, I told him okay and just like last time he did a complete 180. So I stayed. He started changing his habbits, even went on Chantex to help quit smoking, though he hasn't quit yet, but we're financially stable again so it's his choice.

And then theres the new problem. Recently I met a guy online that I clicked with. I really really like him and we're good friends. I admitted my feelings to my boyfriend (because honesty and trust are big for me) and while I wouldn't leave him for a guy that lives states away (long distance is not doable for me) that doesn't change the feelings I have. Seeing how this guy talks to me, how sweet and caring he is has me second guessing everything in my relationship and led my to realize that while I THOUGHT I recovered emotionally from the smoking incident, I really haven't. I'm still hurt that he would choose games and ciggarettes over his own families well being, even though his behavior has changed. He wants me to stop talking to this guy and I totally get it, I feel like a horrible person for having these feelings but as soon as he left for work I just broke down crying at the idea of cutting off this friendship with someone who sees me more than just a mother and a maid, the ONLY friendship I have. I'm so torn over everything. My SO isn't always horrible, he has a lot of great qualities, but he really hurt me by what he did. Relationships are a 2 way street. I feel as though whenever he brings a problem up with me I'm quick to fix it, but I don't get the same treatment in return. Am I being over-dramatic? Am I in the wrong here? I have no idea what to think anymore and literally no one I can talk to about all this. He's a great dad now. He's trying to be a better partner too. He's putting in an effort, doing his best to communicate better. I'm just so hurt by everything in the past I don't know how, or IF, I can move past it...

Few extra tidbits:

-Every time we broke up, it was him leaving me. Whenever I would bring up problems in the relationship, he would leave. He says now it's because he thought I'd be better off with someone else, yet I found out later he started dating his best friends/roomates ex 3 days after we broke up.

- His new gf cheated on him with his best friend. He left her then came back to me after over a year apart. We moved in together after a year where 2 months later he left me AGAIN, this time saying I was abusive (which he even admitted later was a lie.) and I even lost most of our mutual friends because he told them all that too.

-Reconnected after almost 2 years apart and 2 months into the relationship I ended up pregnant with out daughter. He's threatened to leave me 3 times during the 5 years together, and I, other than the cigarette incident, have never so much as thought about leaving. Every time it ended, it was on HIS terms...

I just feel like his personal doormat sometimes...I need help.

You 2 aren't compatible. You seem to be his fallback. It's ok, that's the situation I'm currently in. But it's time to end it.

This doesn't sound like a good relationship for you. I was home full time for 7 years by choice. I did not lose friends or my identity (but again I wanted to be home full time and no regrets at all -the opposite!). We were out and about all the time -I made a lot of effort to meet people and I had recently relocated. I did lose some friends -friends who lived back in my old city, people who weren't willing to accommodate my new schedule because of my full time mom job. I did volunteer work once he was in preschool for a half day program and met people that way. What are you doing to live your life? Being a full time mom does mean some adjustments -so do most jobs, especially new jobs. But that's on you.

Your daughter deserves two involved parents - you don't have to be romantically involved with him to do so but I wouldn't run to someone else either you met online - not good for your daughter for one thing.

Good luck.

I think a large portion of why I miss working so much is because thats how I made most of my friends and got my social interactions. Hopefully when she starts school next year I can find a part time job. I love being a SAHM in the sense that I get to see her grow and I'm playing a big part in her life(something I didn't have as a child), it's just a lot different than what I planned for myself, you know? I really do appreciate the advice, though. Thank you!

Stop communicating with the dude online. If he knows you live with the father of your child and is communicating with you anyways, he has poor boundaries. The answer to financial tightness is to see if you can get a part time job when he is not at work -- maybe weekends or something when he is home to watch the child, etc.. Yes. quitting smoking is hard. You quit because you were ready to. he wasn't ready to - although he should have cut back at least. You talk about "trust" - and how important it is -- so you snooped on him and in addition you are emotioally cheating behind his back. So much for trust. I think that you should move in with family temporarily, file for custody and child support and go. If family is willing to let you stay to get back on your feet - to get working so you can afford childcare, etc.

I think a large portion of why I miss working so much is because thats how I made most of my friends and got my social interactions. Hopefully when she starts school next year I can find a part time job. I love being a SAHM in the sense that I get to see her grow and I'm playing a big part in her life(something I didn't have as a child), it's just a lot different than what I planned for myself, you know? I really do appreciate the advice, though. Thank you!

So then do volunteer work when you can (which is what I did) and join professional networking organizations related to your prior career - you have to think outside the box a bit of course and be flexible but it definitely can be done.

I don't know. I mean no disrespect, but -

Your problems are minor in the scheme of things.

Good marriages don't happen by accident.

You asked him to spend more time as a family and after some bumps and tears he came around.

Him smoking behind your back isn't ideal but he is making the effort.

It's interesting that the smoking behind your back is a deal breaker because `trust is important so to you' yet you are having an emotional affair with someone and trying to justify it by bringing up your husbands past behaviors.

I agree that you need a life outside of the house and anything is doable if you set your mind to it. Baby or no baby.

It just seems like you are making a lot of excuses for the both of you. You not being happy and blaming is solely on your husband, when the two of could be working together to make this marriage work. IF that's what you really want.

Not coming here and making a case to justify you seeking attention else where.

Decide what it is you want and act on it.

Stop communicating with the dude online. If he knows you live with the father of your child and is communicating with you anyways, he has poor boundaries. The answer to financial tightness is to see if you can get a part time job when he is not at work -- maybe weekends or something when he is home to watch the child, etc.. Yes. quitting smoking is hard. You quit because you were ready to. he wasn't ready to - although he should have cut back at least. You talk about "trust" - and how important it is -- so you snooped on him and in addition you are emotioally cheating behind his back. So much for trust. I think that you should move in with family temporarily, file for custody and child support and go. If family is willing to let you stay to get back on your feet - to get working so you can afford childcare, etc.

Yep, this says it all. You can't invest in your own life while trying to police someone else. Online fantasy disloyalty won't help, it just acts a pressure valve to avoid motivating yourself to resolve your problems. Skip that. It drills you a deeper hole to climb out of.

I'd seek legal aid and make arrangements with your family to start a new life. If BF ends up fitting into that, great. If not, you've still taken the steps you need to make toward independence and a real platform from which to make such decisions.

I can't personally relate to this, but I have to say from reading it I feel like both you and your daughter deserve better. As hard as I imagine it would be for you in the short term I imagine your lives being much happier in the long term.

@Abitbroken

I didn't snoop on anything though. My aunt (who works with him) told me what was going on because she knew we were financially unstable, I just assumed he wasn't smoking for the fact that we both agreed to stop (neither of us ready) so we would have money for basic life needs. As for emotionally cheating, not at all. He knows I like the guy and he's okay with it. We've both had crushes outside of our relationship and we both share the belief that JUST because you're in a relationship with someone that doesn't mean crushes can't pop up every now and again. No real problem there, just an added detail, you know?

As for family, they're not people we want in our childs life, which is why having them babysit her or moving home to get back on our feet isn't really an option. I could probably make a whole post on that alone lol.

And I can't edit the post for some reason, but I'm more here in hopes of getting some advice on how to fix things.

@Abitbroken

 

JUST because you're in a relationship with someone that doesn't mean crushes can't pop up every now and again.

 

But in a healthy relationship, you don't act on them. You admitted that your decision to carry on conversation with him has you questioning your relationship. I agree with others who have called this an emotional affair.

Also didn't you say he wants you to stop talking to him? Now you're saying he's ok with it?

@Abitbroken

 

I didn't snoop on anything though. My aunt (who works with him) told me what was going on because she knew we were financially unstable, I just assumed he wasn't smoking for the fact that we both agreed to stop (neither of us ready) so we would have money for basic life needs. As for emotionally cheating, not at all. He knows I like the guy and he's okay with it. We've both had crushes outside of our relationship and we both share the belief that JUST because you're in a relationship with someone that doesn't mean crushes can't pop up every now and again. No real problem there, just an added detail, you know?

 

As for family, they're not people we want in our childs life, which is why having them babysit her or moving home to get back on our feet isn't really an option. I could probably make a whole post on that alone lol.

Firstly, if anyone tries to be a tattle tale on my guy, i think about what their motives are. (ps, had an old neighbor who use to tell my parents all the bad things that we did when my parents were out of town. Guess what, my parents took some of us with them and one of us was away at a basketball camp so was not home - well, they were alone one hour between the time they got home and my grandma picked them up -- my parents were really upset at the neighbors for making up lies to be a busybody) I keep my eyes open but i don't always give in to tattle tales. Its no one's business if there are money issues but yours. Its no one's business about what you decided to do about them. But yours. You quit smoking. Congrats. its a harder road sometimes for other people. If he stopped smoking at home, he has greatly reduced his smoking. Babysteps. And it sounds like something you suggested and imposed, and he didn't really come to the conclusion on his own and it took time to get on board.

the aunt should have said "i know you had an agreement not to smoke. maybe it might be a good idea to stop. I won't tell PurplePlank, but if she asks, i won't like to her" or just stay out of it.

And he didn't lie to you - he agreed to do something and failed.

And as far as crushes, nope, crushes are not acceptable. its normal if you are married or in a relationship to think someone else is attractive or to notice them, its human nature -- but for it to turn into a crush and start to pour your heart out to them online...You notice "hey, that's an attractive man/woman" and then you nip it in the bud, you don't water that garden and let it develop. A celebrity crush can be harmless, a crush on someone at work or an online buddy really is not.

So before you talk about trust...you have no room to talk

But in a healthy relationship, you don't act on them. You admitted that your decision to carry on conversation with him has you questioning your relationship. I agree with others who have called this an emotional affair.

 

Also didn't you say he wants you to stop talking to him? Now you're saying he's ok with it?

I didn't read this before i posted, but great minds think alike!!

And I can't edit the post for some reason, but I'm more here in hopes of getting some advice on how to fix things.

How do fix it? Stop being his warden or his parent about the smoking. Be encouraging instead. If he cut it by a third or half - that's a great start.

If you want more money, get a part time job to work while he is home.

Put your kid in 4 year old preschool. its a thing.

Or leave him, file for child support and get a job.

I really did a bad job explaining things it seems. After talking he's fine with my talking to this guy I've known for 6 months, the only reason he was upset about it in the first place is (as he says it) was situational because we're in a bad spot. We've got a really relaxed relationships usually which is why I was upset as his hypocrisy as he's had a few work crushes as well, while I've only had 2. A relationship is defined as whatever both parties decide on, and ours is very open minded.

As for the smoking aspect, anyone who thinks it's okay to spend money we don't have on a bad habit is crazy. I didn't expect everyone to agree with me or anything, but it seems I didn't explain things too well in my original post and I can't seem to edit it. Lol

I really did a bad job explaining things it seems. After talking he's fine with my talking to this guy I've known for 6 months, the only reason he was upset about it in the first place is (as he says it) was situational because we're in a bad spot. We've got a really relaxed relationships usually which is why I was upset as his hypocrisy as he's had a few work crushes as well, while I've only had 2. A relationship is defined as whatever both parties decide on, and ours is very open minded.

 

As for the smoking aspect, anyone who thinks it's okay to spend money we don't have on a bad habit is crazy. I didn't expect everyone to agree with me or anything, but it seems I didn't explain things too well in my original post and I can't seem to edit it. Lol

Every time a poster doesn't agree with the advice they always say "oh, i just didn't explain things right"

Logically, I agree that its stupid to smoke or go to starbucks when you are money is tight, but i also understand that kicking an addiction is tough. You cannot apply what you do to other people. If he has a longer road to quitting (its harder to quit when other people at work smoke than being home with a child), he has a longer road to quitting. good for you to quit cold turkey, but not everyone can ! If he cut back right now, that's huge.

Honestly, you can't say "we have an open situation and i can talk to who i want" and then be upset that he has not been truthful for you or "want to fix this". If you want to be with him, don't stray when things get tough. Confiding in someone else when you are in a tough spot is not being "open" its being avoidant.

You are at a crossroads and need to make a decision. do you want to stay with the father of your child, or do you want to leave the relationship?

Stop messing around with the guy you met online. He is a distraction from the real issue here.

Take to your SO about your concerns. The guy should play no part in the decision. Decide first what is best for you and your child.

Worry about the rebound relationship later.