Jump to content

Facebook Relationship Status


FraniMar22

Recommended Posts

Hi, I'm just joining this group and really need some neutral opinions.

 

I've been with my boyfriend a year and a half now. We hit it off right from the start and everything was going so well. About a month ago, I suspected he was talking to other women on Facebook and also still has a profile on a dating site. We both have Facebook and are friends on each other's pages. He had an ex GF on there that I finally made him delete. I didn't understand why an ex needed to be on his FB page anyway. Up until now, neither one of us had changed our relationship status. So, I start poking around and see him liking several of his friend's photos -- ones with low cut shirts, boobs all hanging out, etc. Kinda pissed me off. So, I thought we should mutually change our status. His was still single, mine was non-existent. He said he would change his. I changed mine to "in a relationship" and the month and year. Later in the day, I checked his. He completely deleted relationship status, period. I asked him about it and he said he swore he put relationship. He claims he was trying to fix it while we were on the phone, but couldn't figure it out. Really? It's not that hard. He also said he didn't even notice mine. I was sure it was on my feed. Anyway, that was days ago. He has yet to change his, people are liking my status, except him. I'm hurt, but I'm also mad as hell. My thinking is he doesn't want anyone on his page to know he's taken and still appear single.

 

Just a side note, last time I was at his apartment, he had his phone off. His phone is usually chirping with notifications for sports and things like that. The entire weekend it was off. I plan to get to the bottom of this. I came from a very abusive marriage and it took me three years to commit to someone else. I feel like I'm being played.

 

Anyone have any thoughts? I'd greatly appreciate it.

 

Fran

Link to comment
  • Replies 59
  • Created
  • Last Reply

You’re just there until he finds something better, i was in the same situation, he wants other people and you’re just his companion while he plays the field, I guarantee you if you ask to see his phone he will be very resistant to the idea.

Link to comment

I'd challenge you to big picture this a bit.

 

The issue here is not Facebook, but that you're in a relationship with someone you don't trust. A pixilated "status" change is not the thing that prevents someone from, say, talking to other women or keeping a profile on a dating app on the sly. Was any of that addressed in a way that satisfied, or did you avoid addressing that directly by opting to turn the "status" thing into the pass/fail test it is right now?

 

Whether your boyfriend is a player or whether you're deeply paranoid due to past hurt—well, that I can't say from these facts. But what's clear is that you're being consumed by feelings—jealousy, paranoia, possessiveness—that are not the stuff of a healthy, secure relationship. Do you really think a status update is going to change all that? Sounds more like a bandaid to me—one that allows you both to keep engaging in a corrosive manner.

 

In your shoes, I'd be thinking more about leaving the relationship than getting him to change his status. Not even because I was convinced he was a cad, but because I don't have any patience for feeling jealous and paranoid in romance. When those feelings surface, I generally start admitting that something isn't working and that social media is likely not the place where it gets fixed.

Link to comment

I also agree that you are possessive and jealous, which is generally normal for young people as they don’t yet understand their emotions or how to control them but there is definitely something going on with your significant other.

Link to comment
I also agree that you are possessive and jealous, which is generally normal for young people as they don’t yet understand their emotions or how to control them but there is definitely something going on with your significant other.

 

These are not, I don't think, "young" people. OP mentioned being three years out of an abusive marriage before getting into this.

 

Again, I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that "something is going on" with your boyfriend. Maybe there is, or maybe he's passively trying to assert himself against a girlfriend he finds quick to be possessive, jealous, and controlling.

 

Doesn't really matter, ultimately. What matters is that this is a hostile dynamic, aggressive instead of compassionate, sharp instead of soft, and when I hear something like "I plan to get to the bottom of this" I basically hear only the sounds of guns being loaded and swords being sharpened. Hostility just begets hostility. No one breathes easily in a police state.

 

Personally, I don't think social media should play any role in a relationship—and when you're trying to understand your relationship based on social media it's a sign that something jumped the shark a while back.

Link to comment

Thank you. You definitely gave me a lot to think about. I'm definitely not a young kid. I'm 58 and he's 53. This relationship felt really good until I let my insecurities come out of hiding at the first sign of dishonesty. Now, I can't shake them off. I did address things with him, but he didn't sound convincing. He just said I was being way too insecure.

Link to comment
You’re just there until he finds something better, i was in the same situation, he wants other people and you’re just his companion while he plays the field, I guarantee you if you ask to see his phone he will be very resistant to the idea.

 

I have thought of asking that. I have a feeling it would just cause more trouble.

Link to comment
I have thought of asking that. I have a feeling it would just cause more trouble.

 

I'm just going to say no to this. Or, yes, that it would just cause more trouble.

 

Look, you're 58. You've been to a lot of rodeos, around a lot of blocks. You've got the scars and bruises that comes with that—but also? The wisdom. And also also? A warm and very real heart that continues to beat inside you, regardless of those scars and bruises.

 

Respect and listen to that, the wisdom and the heart, not the scars and bruises. Listening to them—well, it just leads to more.

 

Because do you really want to be engaging this way, regardless of what he's up to or not? Do you really want to go down a path where you're trying to build trust and love through passive aggressive tests?

 

I think you know where that path leads, because you've been there before. It leads to more insecurity, regardless of what you find, because you're allowing insecurity to be your guide. It leads to a dysfunctional dynamic in which you're just pressing buttons, throwing each other off-kilter.

 

It is not a partner's job to make us feel secure. It's our job to invest in partners with whom we can feel secure. When things come up that rock the boat, we address them. When addressing them fails to restore security, we divest—that's wisdom protecting our hearts.

Link to comment

I don't care if my own wife asked for my phone to go through my messages. She'd be told no and that it's either time for marital counseling or a divorce. If we weren't married, she'd be dumped on the spot. I don't put up with distrust or invasions of privacy. That you'd "make him" delete his ex off facebook is perturbing on its own. I could maybe, and I repeat maybe understand making a simple request someone remove their "single" status, but raising a stink because they didn't flaunt the relationship on social media? Not so much. Especially when we're talking a grown ass man and woman, 50+ years old. His actions don't strike me as him using the platform for dodgy purposes. They strike me as the actions of someone who's 53 and simply doesn't care.

 

If you've got issues relating to feeling like you're not sufficiently incorporated into his social life, ask to invite a friend of his or a family member over so you can host them for dinner. If you feel like he's cheating, whether due to justifiable suspicion or your insecurities not being conducive to a healthy relationship right now, it's probably best you jet sooner than later. But making it about social media is quite frankly pretty adolescent. As someone who had just started college on the advent of facebook becoming a thing and who's been on since, the whole "omg ______ is in a relationship with _____" has heavily fallen out of fashion at this point. I only ever see it for a friend getting engaged or married, and even then probably only half the time.

Link to comment
I don't care if my own wife asked for my phone to go through my messages. She'd be told no and that it's either time for marital counseling or a divorce. If we weren't married, she'd be dumped on the spot. I don't put up with distrust or invasions of privacy. That you'd "make him" delete his ex off facebook is perturbing on its own. I could maybe, and I repeat maybe understand making a simple request someone remove their "single" status, but raising a stink because they didn't flaunt the relationship on social media? Not so much. Especially when we're talking a grown ass man and woman, 50+ years old.

 

If you've got issues relating to feeling like you're not sufficiently incorporated into his social life, ask to invite a friend of his or a family member over so you can host them for dinner. If you feel like he's cheating, whether due to justifiable suspicion or your insecurities not being conducive to a healthy relationship right now, it's probably best you jet now than later. But making it about social media is quite frankly pretty adolescent. As someone who had just started college on the advent of facebook becoming a thing and who's been on since, the whole "omg ______ is in a relationship with _____" has heavily fallen out of fashion at this point. I only ever see it for a friend getting engaged or married, and even then probably only half the time.

 

I agree with this and I will also add you being in an abusove relationship in the past is your burden not his, it is your duty to work through that baggage. It will always be a part of your past but you don’t make others pay for your exes sins.

 

Next you don’t trust him. That’s a whole different beast. This Facebook thing is a means to control, at the end of the day if you don’t trust him you don’t trust him... you aren’t going to suddenly trust him simple because he changes his relationship status. You’re treating the symptoms and not the disease causing the huge puss filled wounds. Treat the disease.

Link to comment

 

Now, I can't shake them off. I did address things with him, but he didn't sound convincing. He just said I was being way too insecure.

 

As my late mum used to say, it's not what you say but how you say it..

 

I don't know how you addressed things (your insecurities) w him, whether it was with an accusatory tone, blaming him, or respectful, but somehow you put him on the defensive, and he flipped it back on you.

 

Which is how people typically respond when they feel they're being accused of something hurtful or bad, or attacked.

 

And let's face it , he's right you are way too insecure, you admitted as such, so he has a point.

Link to comment

Things aren't going well when 1.5 years down the road dude still has a dating profile and openly presents himself and acts as single on social media. You are blatantly not on the same page about what this relationship is. Meaning that you are way more into this and he is keeping it casual.

 

Your reaction is troubling. You see that you aren't on the same page, so you have to decide if you will continue this casual arrangement or move on. What you don't do is get into policing, patrolling, controlling, telling him who he can speak to or not, what status to display and so on. This is a wrong approach and not only are you setting yourself up for failure, but a never ending cycle of pain. You can't control and bully another person into being who you want them to be and carrying on the kind of relationship that you want. You've got to stop this behavior. His actions don't suit you, you can see you are not on the same page, you don't feel cherished and secure with him (rightfully so I might add), so you dump him. You don't fight, you don't fix, you don't patrol and control, you WALK. That's it.

 

Time is a limited resource, so stop wasting your time on men who are no good for you. Just dump them and do it fast and keep looking for the right one. You can't meet your prince charming when you are busy policing prince wrong.

Link to comment

I have a different take on the issue. You are entitled to stating exactly what you think of your boyfriend and if you are uncomfortable with his shady behaviour or his decisions, you should speak your mind and don't dumb yourself down telling yourself that you are insecure or even reference your past and I'm going to be very frank with you - not just you but others will use it against you to tell you how weak you are and how at fault you are for interpreting your own reality. You're making excuses for history repeating itself again and again and again because you're NOT putting yourself first or being extremely clear about what ticks you off in a relationship. Don't ever second guess your instincts about whether someone is good for you or whether you are ok or not about the behaviours going on around you.

 

Second, why on earth are you with such a person in the first place? He's shown what he is to you. I'd suggest you step aside from this, stop playing mind games with yourself and absolutely be truthful about what you like and what you dislike in a partner. His penchant for connections like this or the way he treats his social media should be a red flag to you and highly unattractive in a partner.

 

Don't get sucked into the injustices of relationship status on social media either. If he doesn't reciprocate, see it exactly for what it is. Move on from this and like I've said, do NOT second guess your intuition.

Link to comment
Thank you. You definitely gave me a lot to think about. I'm definitely not a young kid. I'm 58 and he's 53. This relationship felt really good until I let my insecurities come out of hiding at the first sign of dishonesty. Now, I can't shake them off. I did address things with him, but he didn't sound convincing. He just said I was being way too insecure.

 

Yikes! I thought you were in your late teens, early twenties.

Link to comment
So...

 

I'm thinking: you don't trust him, it appears that he is not being upfront with you, and you have both been around the block a few times (as you are in your 50's). You've only dated for 1 1/2 years?

 

I say move along, life is too short.

 

Amen.

 

 

..........

Link to comment
I have a different take on the issue. You are entitled to stating exactly what you think of your boyfriend and if you are uncomfortable with his shady behaviour or his decisions, you should speak your mind and don't dumb yourself down telling yourself that you are insecure or even reference your past and I'm going to be very frank with you - not just you but others will use it against you to tell you how weak you are and how at fault you are for interpreting your own reality. You're making excuses for history repeating itself again and again and again because you're NOT putting yourself first or being extremely clear about what ticks you off in a relationship. Don't ever second guess your instincts about whether someone is good for you or whether you are ok or not about the behaviours going on around you.

 

Second, why on earth are you with such a person in the first place? He's shown what he is to you. I'd suggest you step aside from this, stop playing mind games with yourself and absolutely be truthful about what you like and what you dislike in a partner. His penchant for connections like this or the way he treats his social media should be a red flag to you and highly unattractive in a partner.

 

Don't get sucked into the injustices of relationship status on social media either. If he doesn't reciprocate, see it exactly for what it is. Move on from this and like I've said, do NOT second guess your intuition.

 

Thank you! I was beginning to feel a little beat up, although I've gotten some pretty good comments here.

Link to comment
Thank you! I was beginning to feel a little beat up, although I've gotten some pretty good comments here.

 

You can do whatever you want with your life, interpret yourself any which way you want, absorb whatever you like, associate with whomever you please. At the end of the day, the peacemaking starts with you and when you're able to rest knowing that you've been true to yourself and what you think is acceptable or not especially regarding your closest relationships. Start cultivating healthier boundaries and be clear about your standards: what you will or will not accept in your life. I'd discourage any excuses for bad behaviour especially types of behaviour or situations that put you at risk or put your happiness at risk. YOU should be the one that's able to navigate what's best for you and take your time thinking about things if that's what you need. Not everything is solved in a day so try to practice patience also with others but most importantly, yourself.

Link to comment
Thank you. You definitely gave me a lot to think about. I'm definitely not a young kid. I'm 58 and he's 53. This relationship felt really good until I let my insecurities come out of hiding at the first sign of dishonesty. Now, I can't shake them off. I did address things with him, but he didn't sound convincing. He just said I was being way too insecure.

 

OP I was expecting you to be in your 20's from the way you were describing yours and his behaviors on social media. What he posts and what he reacts to is simply a red herring for deeper issues in the relationship that need to be addressed.

 

Life is too short to waste on obsessing over someone's social media posts. Address his real life behaviors and if you aren't happy, move on.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...