Why can't I do this?

Hi, I am in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone I think is narcissistic. I know that our marriage must end, there is no will to change on his part, and we have been going around in circles for years now. I have endured this because I thought it would be best for our children, however they are older now and are starting to notice the treatment their dad gives me, and I worry that this will affect them. My eldest has even stated that we are all happier when daddy is not at home.

Anyway, I know I am letting myself and possibly my kids down by not asking him to leave, but here's the thing, I can't...

Not because of financial reasons, I earn enough to manage alone, not for confidence reasons, I know I can manage on my own with the kids (have done for a year and a half while he worked abroad) or for any other reason, except that my conscience is making me feel sorry for the future man. I can't cope with the thought of him being upset, lonely in a grotty flat, regretting what he has done, facing his family etc. When I envisage this it makes me back down from having the heart to force the marriage to be over.

He is downright nasty to me, I know it, I don't even like him anymore and if it were anyone else I'd tell them to get rid...but I have this barrier. I am strong in every other area, but this.

Does anyone know why? Is there some psychological reason or am I just being a doormat?

If anyone could share some insight, I could hopefully try to address this once I fathom whats wrong with me...🙁

Many thanks.

Your feeling sorry for him is an excuse to not let go. You are getting something from this.

You are doing great damage to your children. It is abusive, on your part, to keep them in this environment. You may not care for your own well being, but you need to care for theirs.

Have you sought counseling for abuse , or told your friends and family?

He fathered your children and nothing you do will change that.

I do wonder why you assume he will live in a grotty flat should you choose to end the relationship?

Your eldest is starting to notice things and saying that things are better when daddy is not home.

Have you considered why he feels that way? Is that because of noticeable tension between you and daddy and does he feel comfortable with daddy when you aren’t there?

Don’t stay for the kids. Kids are aware.

If you don’t want their father living in a grotty flat , then don’t allow that. After all if you split , your kids will be spending time at their fathers ,grotty flat or not.

Your post is full of resentment and almost revenge?

I don’t understand it to be honest!

Is this also the guy who has not contributed financially to your marriage or done anything around the house? I don't get why you have continued this?

As long as you continue to stay, you are prioritizing your abusive husband’s feelings over the well-being of yourself and your children. That is your choice.

How long have you been married? Has he always treated you badly? How does he treat the children?

Are you the main breadwinner in the family?

You clearly are unhappy and would be happier if you lived apart from each other. Why not suggest a separation and see how that works?

Hi, thanks for your replies Holly and Billy.

I have only told a close friend, they are shocked because to the outside world he's like a saint. But as soon as he walks through the door he is like a force that sucka the life and hapiness from the room. He criticises, blames, stone-walls, dismisses the kids acheivements, plays the victim etc. He says I am the root cause of him not being more successful in life and that I should dote on him more. He won't give me any of his time, he won't have a conversation with me.

You may well be right, I might sound bitter. I have supported our family and him for years, I have helped him further his career by backing him when he went abroad and by managing alone without compliant. I think I have a right to be bitter in that respect.

Maybe he won't end up in a grotty flat, but he will be upset and maybe regretful. As the father of our children I do care about him and his mental health, and hate the thought of him being even lower than he is now.

(btw last year he agreed to go to the GP to see whether he was depressed- he never went, he says any depression he feels is because of me).

Hi again, yes this is the same man from my previous post 3 years ago. As I said we have been going round in circles, for a year and a half he was working abroad, so we were fine, most of that time. He's back now.and has reverted back to how he was before he went.

So you have apparently made the decision that keeping him around because you feel sorry for him is more important than providing your children with a healthy upbringing.

Is that correct?

What are you asking for?

This has never been good and you are placing your kids in a terrible position. Your last post was three years ago, and you did nothing. Same thing. He should be going to a therapist, not a GP.

Why haven't you told your family? I truly think you get something out of being miserable with him by reading your threads. I never say this to posters. .

Do you get something by feeling like a victim?

I too was in an emotionally abusive relationship and left years ago. My ex is still narcissistic, still a jerk, and still calls me a bad mother (we have a child together) and every name in the book. He’s an a******. Yet at times, I still feel bad for him, because he doesn’t have a license or a car, is from a different country and therefore doesn’t have a social security number and the privileges that come along with being a citizen, he’s terrible with money. He’s pathetic. And treats me badly, he’s a terrible co-parent. Doesn’t pay child support. Yet I still feel bad for him.

For some reason, these abusive men make you feel bad for them. It’s not your fault. You’ve been a good person and good wife to him. Despite your guilty feelings, stay strong and do what you have to do to get out of there. And every time you feel bad, remember how he treats you and the things the kids see, and put those guilty feelings out of your head. Remember- YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS JERK.

Thanks, we have been married 11 years (together 14)

He's always had low moods, but they have become the norm now and the bad treatment is prevalent.

He tickles the kids and makes them laugh for an hour or so a day, apart from that nothing else.

I am the main breadwinner, and the house and all bills etc are in my name.

We were happier when we lived apart while he was working away but this was not an official 'separation'.

It's not altruistic or empathetic to subject your kids to this. "feel bad if he's alone" is nonsense. You stay because you want to. Why not get therapy on your own rather than going in circles with faux diagnoses and faux reasons you stay. He stays because it's easy for him, he doesn't need therapy because it works for him. However you are chronically unhappy.

So you have apparently made the decision that keeping him around because you feel sorry for him is more important than providing your children with a healthy upbringing.

 

Is that correct?

Quoting myself because I would like to know your response to this.

I'll just be blunt. You are severely codependent with a hefty dose of a martyr complex. Please seek a therapist who is experienced in dealing with these issues in particular. The good news is that your situation is not unique and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. However, it does involve dealing with your own issues, addressing them and healing yourself so you that you can leave this situation. Your particular issues are like catnip to narcissists, so if you don't heal yourself, you'll just end up with another one and stuck again and again. Please focus on the fact that your children are also being abused and suffering emotional and psychological damage from this situation.

I'll just be blunt. You are severely codependent with a hefty dose of a martyr complex. Please seek a therapist who is experienced in dealing with these issues in particular. The good news is that your situation is not unique and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. However, it does involve dealing with your own issues, addressing them and healing yourself so you that you can leave this situation. Your particular issues are like catnip to narcissists, so if you don't heal yourself, you'll just end up with another one and stuck again and again. Please focus on the fact that your children are also being abused and suffering emotional and psychological damage from this situation.

I echo this so much... my ex husband was just like yours... and I was codependent and fearful like you... at the end of the day codependency is an addiction and you need some help overcoming this.

There is nothing, and I mean nothing, you will ever be able to do to make this guy happy. And the way he chooses to live after you guys split up is his choice and has nothing to do with you. He will try to make you feel bad about his situation but always remember that what he has done has led him to this place in his life... and what he does with that is up to him.

Boltnrun..I was hoping we could resolve the issues, and by him furthering his career this was supposed to be one of the steps, as he was feeling depressed about his work . I wanted us to try everything before giving up and the children being upset by their parents divorcing. I now see that the issues will never be resolved and do not wish the children to be damaged which is why I am seeking advice now.

Does anyone know why? Is there some psychological reason or am I just being a doormat?

Yes, there's some thorny psychology at play here.

What you have to recognize is that this relationship only "works" because he can press that button inside of you that makes you feel bad for him. That's basically where his broken piece and your broken piece perfectly align to make a perfect mess.

What you need to accept is your role in this. He's an easy target: nasty, abusive, narcissistic. But thinking that without you he is just a sad sack—well, that's narcissism too. That's ego. Your connection point with each other is ego-based on both sides.

We all have egos, and we can all mistake our egos for our hearts and minds. That little mental trick is what keeps us engaging where we should disengage. Time to access the real stuff—head and heart—and be the bigger one to resist the power of your own ego. Time to acknowledge and observe the fact of your own ego, but chose another source as your compass. For your own well-being, and for your children's. Access that strength inside of you, rather than the false strength of being someone who can "take it" and who can prevent someone from a sad life in a sad flat.

If you ended it, and if he lives a sad life in a sad flat—well, you can feel bad for him. In your head and heart, while also recognizing that is his life, his choice, something he brought upon himself and is free to bring himself out of.

My father? He is the sad guy in the sad flat. He became that guy when my mother left him, when I was 5 years old. That was 34 years ago. Probably the hardest choice she's ever made in life—she's got a bit of the martyr/savior thing swirling inside her—but also the best choice she's ever made. It was a choice made out of real love—for herself and for me.

It allowed her to live her full truth, and it allowed me to grow up in a stable household filled with love—her love, none of his bs. I was not a broken child, and am not a broken adult. Could have gone differently, had she not accessed her deepest reserves of strength rather than her ego.

I feel bad for who my father is, as does my mother. I love him. Probably she does to, in her way. It's a sore spot for both of us, forever, in different ways. But it would have been much, much more wounding to both of us had she stayed with him. I wish him the best every day—in my head and heart—but I don't try to save him and neither does she. He'll save himself, or he won't.

Boltnrun..I was hoping we could resolve the issues, and by him furthering his career this was supposed to be one of the steps, as he was feeling depressed about his work . I wanted us to try everything before giving up and the children being upset by their parents divorcing. I now see that the issues will never be resolved and do not wish the children to be damaged which is why I am seeking advice now.

This has been going on for years! This is who he is He does not love or respect you, but you do not love or respect him.

Either do something, or stay. Make a decision. I hope that you consider your kids, this time.

Why haven't you sought a therapist? I agree with your issues of co dependency.

I can't afford a therapist .

Then look up CODA. They have free groups.

http://coda.org

I can't afford a therapist .

Well then you'll have to fix yourself other ways. Plenty of books, videos on youtube from qualified psychiatrists about codependence, etc.

Bottom line is that it's not that you can't leave him, it's that you don't want to. My abuser can't live without me. Pretty absurd right? Yet it's a line you keep feeding yourself. Why?

Help yourself. It is also time you thought about your kids.

Thank you Bluecastle. That is a very helpful response, which I will take on board.

Thanks for your honest responses everyone.

@ Pennypanj: A few questions.

Why do you call him a narcissist? What has he done to make you conclude that he is a narcissist? Could you elaborate?

How many times have you both gone to a relationship counseling? Have you suggested and he refuses to go along?

Have you always been the breadwinner since the start of your marriage or did things change along the way?

It sounds to me like you already have a strong assumption about him that things won't change and you just want to find a way to justify yourself to continue being with him.