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My girlfriend and I plan to get married in a month. We are both 38 and have dated for 4 years. We both desperately want kids. Things have been volatile for a while, so this is not a case of cold feet. We spent 2016-17 dating Long Distance and argued that whole time. (I’d posted about that before). There was enough good in our relationship, so I sacrificed and moved back to her city to work things out. We did 6 months of couples therapy, with limited results. Talking about past arguments in counseling made things worse. She just dug in more and was unable to see things from my point of view. Our counselor says she has difficulty managing anxiety and noted that it escalates quickly to anger. Before, I thought she was just a difficult, Type-A personality who always wants to be in control. Now, I suspect she may have some degree of personality disorder that limits her ability to express empathy and process negative emotions. It is a huge red flag and I do not feel at peace about starting a family with her.

We are stuck in a recurring fight about how we fight. I feel we don’t have a healthy way of resolving conflicts. She says I have unrealistic expectations about marriage. When angry, she has a “my way or highway” attitude and relies on using power moves (e.g. demands, threatens to quit) to compensate for her own insecurity. I try not to take her verbal attacks personally, but find myself struggling to maintain healthy boundaries. My anger and resentment have festered, and I’ve tried everything to address this on my own (personal counseling, read a dozen relationship books, and even started meditating). Every time I try to share these feelings, she feels attacked, becomes defensive, dismisses my concerns, and deflects toward issues that she’s unhappy about with me. She rarely apologizes because she equates that to allowing me to “walk all over her” [her words].

 

I understand I can’t change her, but I’ve told her that she needs to show accountability for her behavior. We’ve almost broken up several times, but I get pulled back even though she appears to make no substantive changes to address my needs. I understand the pain of rejection that she feels when I’ve delayed the progress in our relationship, and this compassion keeps me hoping that things can work out for us. Yes, I realize this is a codependent dynamic.

 

Anyhow, our small civil wedding is in a few weeks. Things are mostly lined up. I moved back up to work on the relationship, and I had agreed to marriage to continue working on the relationship. It just doesn’t feel like a mutual effort. I love her and I don’t give her enough credit for her good qualities. But it feels like I’m parenting an adolescent. Every sign tells me it’s a bad idea to go through with it. She’s repeatedly rejected the idea of more counseling after marriage. A few days ago, I told her that I don’t want kids with her until we get this resolved. Now she’s invited me to go back to our counselor for an appointment, but I wonder if it is too little, too late. Does anyone here see a path for this to work out?

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My girlfriend and I plan to get married in a month. We are both 38 and have dated for 4 years. We both desperately want kids. Things have been volatile for a while, so this is not a case of cold feet. We spent 2016-17 dating Long Distance and argued that whole time. (I’d posted about that before). There was enough good in our relationship, so I sacrificed and moved back to her city to work things out. We did 6 months of couples therapy, with limited results. Talking about past arguments in counseling made things worse. She just dug in more and was unable to see things from my point of view. Our counselor says she has difficulty managing anxiety and noted that it escalates quickly to anger. Before, I thought she was just a difficult, Type-A personality who always wants to be in control. Now, I suspect she may have some degree of personality disorder that limits her ability to express empathy and process negative emotions. It is a huge red flag and I do not feel at peace about starting a family with her.

We are stuck in a recurring fight about how we fight. I feel we don’t have a healthy way of resolving conflicts. She says I have unrealistic expectations about marriage. When angry, she has a “my way or highway” attitude and relies on using power moves (e.g. demands, threatens to quit) to compensate for her own insecurity. I try not to take her verbal attacks personally, but find myself struggling to maintain healthy boundaries. My anger and resentment have festered, and I’ve tried everything to address this on my own (personal counseling, read a dozen relationship books, and even started meditating). Every time I try to share these feelings, she feels attacked, becomes defensive, dismisses my concerns, and deflects toward issues that she’s unhappy about with me. She rarely apologizes because she equates that to allowing me to “walk all over her” [her words].

 

I understand I can’t change her, but I’ve told her that she needs to show accountability for her behavior. We’ve almost broken up several times, but I get pulled back even though she appears to make no substantive changes to address my needs. I understand the pain of rejection that she feels when I’ve delayed the progress in our relationship, and this compassion keeps me hoping that things can work out for us. Yes, I realize this is a codependent dynamic.

 

Anyhow, our small civil wedding is in a few weeks. Things are mostly lined up. I moved back up to work on the relationship, and I had agreed to marriage to continue working on the relationship. It just doesn’t feel like a mutual effort. I love her and I don’t give her enough credit for her good qualities. But it feels like I’m parenting an adolescent. Every sign tells me it’s a bad idea to go through with it. She’s repeatedly rejected the idea of more counseling after marriage. A few days ago, I told her that I don’t want kids with her until we get this resolved. Now she’s invited me to go back to our counselor for an appointment, but I wonder if it is too little, too late. Does anyone here see a path for this to work out?

You already gave yourself the answer...every sign is that it's a bad idea.

 

Stop telling a story around it to talk yourself into it.

 

This is 100% a no go.

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You both “desperately” want kids , so much that you are even willing to have them in a volatile relationship.

Why?

And why raise children in that scenario?

Having a child , should not be a project , it should be a mutual desire with mutual goals.

 

Sorry but I think you are both blinkered, incompatibile and spent far too long with each other while ignoring the fact that you just are not right for each other.

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When angry, she has a “my way or highway” attitude and relies on using power moves (e.g. demands, threatens to quit) to compensate for her own insecurity.

 

Could you elaborate over this? What kind of demands? And if she threatens to quit, does she go No Contact with you? Who breaks the ice and who makes up after this?

 

Yes, it does appear that she feels attacked for everything and gets defensive instead of addressing the point of concern.

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Getting married is the absolute worst idea. Why on earth would you want to feel like you have a parent/teenager relationship with your wife, that sounds god awful.

 

You say when she’s angry, she has a “my-way-or-the-highway” attitude. Guess what’s going to happen when you want to handle a parenting issue differently than she does? I would feel terrible for your child.

 

What if, heaven forbid, you had a child who had special needs? Imagine dealing with that stress with this woman as your partner.

 

Seriously, you wouldn’t choose the slowest, most uncoordinated four teammates and try to win a basketball tournament (a very trivial example). Why would you choose such a pisspoor teammate and think you will win at life (a much more serious and valuable game, that you only get to play once)?

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How can you rationalize getting married after all the problems? You can’t solve your issues with marriage, it won’t change anything.

 

Op step back and look at the big picture. You two are not in a healthy relationship and you’ve tried all you can. Time to break up instead of get married.

 

Marriage is a life long commitment not a let’s get divorced if things don’t work out!

 

 

Divorce is expensive!

 

Plus throwing children into the mix?

 

Are you worried she’s all you have?

 

This relationship is very co dependent.

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Your story reminds me a bit of something my best friend went through. He was in a relationship that was—well, it just didn't work. As yours does not seem to work. Maybe it worked at some point, but by the time I met him he was 5 years in and you didn't need to be a professional counselor to understand that these were two unhappy people doubling (and tripling and quadrupling) down on their unhappiness in hopes of eliminating it.

 

They tried everything—everything—from counseling to "opening" things up for a bit. Together a decade total. They did what a lot of people do, what I think you're doing, which is mistaking the notion that "relationships take work" (true) for the one that "relationships should feel like work" (false). Their glue, aside from deep codependency created where unresolved issues attached, was the idea that if they just got over Hump X then things would be "good."

 

Anyhow, he eventually proposed to her, thinking marriage would fix things. Shortly after he said to me, "I think I needed to propose to really know I can't marry her." Whoa. I advised him to think on that for a bit, since breaking off an engagement was a lot easier than ending a marriage, especially if kids were involved. They ended up breaking up, and are both all the better for it. It was probably something they should have done five years earlier—but, hey, we all get there on our own time.

 

Your relationship, to not mince words, sounds like a mess. Which you know.

 

I understand that you're attached, have history, that both of you want children, and being 38 it feels like time is very much against you—her especially, given that the reality of biology is different for women than men. Still, I think you need to be really honest. I think you need to accept that marriage and kids do not fix these things—that more pressure on an already-iffy foundation is recipe for disaster.

 

You don't fix a single story house by building a castle on top of it, you know? Do that and you'll quickly find you're living in a pile of ruble, with much deeper wounds than those you're both currently trying to treat.

 

Given that you've tried just about everything already, my most honest suggestion is to begin accepting the sad but human fact that you are both actually in the way of what you want, rather than capable of getting there together.

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Counseling didn't work, she's probably has a mental disorder and you want to pass that onto your kids? Give your head a shake. You'd be a damn fool to marry this woman. I was raised by a mother that had mental illness...it was HORRIBLE! My life was a living hell....don't do it!

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Different people fight differently. I don't mean to sound rude but you come across as condescending in your description of her and she may be picking up on years of condescension in general from you and is really fed up with your high horse attitude and it seems like she counters it with her 'my way or the highway' mentality/approach. Please bear in mind this is an outsider speaking (I am in no way judging you as a person - this is just my initial feel reading your post).

 

When you get to that age (later in life) and meet someone special, you're both bound to have your own ways. I had to work that out with my husband also and we had some conflicts in the beginning due to that. At some point you both need to drop the individualistic attitudes and come together as a couple if you want to make a marriage really work. Yes, you hold onto your individual selves but you don't hang on to your ideas so tightly that you can't work together as a couple especially when you need to do so together.

 

Try and work things out together and practice more humility and compassion for each other. I don't know her side of things because she's not here. I'm only hearing her side through you and what she may think through you. It's fine to give in every now and then. It's not going to kill either of you. Even if you know you're not wrong on something, it's ok to accept what your partner says and go along with it if it's not that big of a deal. Be flexible and get rid of all that resentment. It has no place in a marriage.

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Get married first, heal resentments later?

 

Nope. Getting married is not a solution to relationship problems. If you haven't been able to resolve things after 4 years there is a pretty good chance they are going to stay the way they are.

 

By the way, my guess is that you don't already have children? Because if you did, you would know that adding kids to the mix will escalate these issues by 1000%... and then you will be stuck co-parenting with this person that you have a resentment with for the rest of your life.

 

The best thing you can do is spare your future children the grief of fighting and subsequent divorce by being honest with your fiance about how you feel and accepting that this relationship is probably not the one for you.

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I understand I can’t change her, but I’ve told her that she needs to show accountability for her behavior

 

Sorry but you contradict yourself here. In one breath you say you can't change her, and in the next you ask her to change her behavior in order to meet your needs.

 

And meditation / personal counselling is all well and good... great that you are working on yourself... I am curious, what is it that she thinks you need to take responsibility for that is aggravating her to this degree?

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Marriage doesn't fix issues, it makes them a thousand times worse. That's just the harsh reality and too many people proceed with marriage assuming otherwise, only to find themselves in a much deeper nightmare and harder to get out of.

 

I think you know good and well that you shouldn't be marrying this woman, should have ended things a long time ago with her and to bring children into this mess...would be cruel and unconscionable. We both want kids but nothing else is working in our "relationship" is not a foundation for marriage. It's a set up for disaster. Your own gut is screaming at you and has been for a long time. Listen to it. Time to pull the plug on this mess permanently, get your head screwed on straight and find a decent woman to date when you've balanced yourself. It's not too late and you have time for all of that. Don't create false pressures and fears for yourself. This toxic relationship is more like an addiction and best way to get rid of an addiction is quit cold turkey.

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What are you thinking? I don't understand! You should have broken up long ago.

 

Are you attracted to drama and dysfunction? Did you grow up in this environment?

 

I already feel sorry for your kids. Really selfish to bring kids into this mess.

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Cancel the wedding, or at least initially postpone it...then cancel it later.

Honestly, she shows no accountability on her end and is already bullying you "you have an unrealistic expectation of marriage". Indeed, you DO have an unrealistic expectation - that when you marry someone, you get to fix someone. When you slip the ring on her finger, she will have no motivation to work on ANYTHING and she will be a "my way or the highway" for the rest of your life. Good luck on any input on raising kids. It will be her way only.

 

Postpone this wedding. At 38 it is not your last chance to be a dad. This relationship was sour from the get go. Please listen!!!

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Never marry if you are not happy with the relationship. Add to kids to what will be a guaranteed failure? Why? So you can ALL be unhappy???

 

My parents brought me AND my brother into a god awful marriage . My brother and I are STILL paying the price and we are middle aged.

 

My vote is nope!

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I agree with the others. Especially since you are not considering the best interests of any child you might have. "Desperately want" is not the standard -that's what you want, has nothing to do with whether it's good for the child to be born into the environment/situation.

 

Many years ago my friend (now former friend) said to me about doubts I was having about marrying my then boyfriend (great guy, just really wasn't sure about my feelings for him and whether we were a good match): "marry him, have kids then you can always divorce him but at least you'll have kids" (I was in my 30s, clock was ticking very loudly). I was shocked she said that particularly because she'd married the love of her life and they were planning on having kids (she also in her 30s, feeling ticking) and I couldn't imagine why she'd advise anyone to settle in that way, do that to a child.

 

About 7 years later she cheated on her husband (2 kids later) and they divorced (I think he cheated on her too) and during the marriage, before this, she'd told me about a few awful arguments they'd had, how he was controlling, etc etc. I do think she was in love with him, I do think she was desperate to have children, I do think she must have seen the signs of how he would be as a partner (I did, as an outsider).

 

It's terribly hard on kids in any divorce and often it's a situation at least one parent could not have foreseen. The writing is on the wall. Don't do this please.

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Marriage doesn't fix issues, it makes them a thousand times worse. That's just the harsh reality and too many people proceed with marriage assuming otherwise, only to find themselves in a much deeper nightmare and harder to get out of.

 

I think you know good and well that you shouldn't be marrying this woman, should have ended things a long time ago with her and to bring children into this mess...would be cruel and unconscionable.

 

100% AGREE!!!!!! Do NOT marry this woman. You will not be doing yourself or her ANY favors. And please, do NOT have children together!!! I am the child of parents who couldn't get along and stayed together "for me". It is more horrible than you can possibly imagine to be a child in that situation. It did an enormous amount of mental and psychological damage to me that took me most of my adult life to recover from.

 

If you haven't been able to sort out your issues in several years, I'm really not sure why you think having a ceremony will change anything? Having children puts a huge strain on marriages in the BEST of situations. Please, please, PLEASE do not do this!!!!!

 

Sometimes we can love people who aren't right for us or don't bring out the best in us. It's okay to admit you shouldn't be married. It doesn't mean you didn't try or have genuine love for each other. Not every long term relationship has to end in marriage and many shouldn't! I wish someone had told me this years ago. It may be hard to call off the wedding now- but PLEASE trust me on this- Divorce is MUCH harder, Divorce with KIDS is harder still. If she is this challenging now, I cringe to think how she'd be with you in a divorce-co-parenting situation.

 

I have to wonder- have you been married before? Are you concerned about having marriage/babies before hitting 40? I'm wondering if that is playing a factor in making these potentially catastrophic decisions.

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I agree with the others. Especially since you are not considering the best interests of any child you might have. "Desperately want" is not the standard -that's what you want, has nothing to do with whether it's good for the child to be born into the environment/situation.

 

Many years ago my friend (now former friend) said to me about doubts I was having about marrying my then boyfriend (great guy, just really wasn't sure about my feelings for him and whether we were a good match): "marry him, have kids then you can always divorce him but at least you'll have kids" (I was in my 30s, clock was ticking very loudly). I was shocked she said that particularly because she'd married the love of her life and they were planning on having kids (she also in her 30s, feeling ticking) and I couldn't imagine why she'd advise anyone to settle in that way, do that to a child.

 

About 7 years later she cheated on her husband (2 kids later) and they divorced (I think he cheated on her too) and during the marriage, before this, she'd told me about a few awful arguments they'd had, how he was controlling, etc etc. I do think she was in love with him, I do think she was desperate to have children, I do think she must have seen the signs of how he would be as a partner (I did, as an outsider).

 

It's terribly hard on kids in any divorce and often it's a situation at least one parent could not have foreseen. The writing is on the wall. Don't do this please.

 

And being a 38 year old man and not a 38 year old woman, he has quite a few years to meet someone new and have kids - bio or adopted. He could break things off, and start to feel ready to date in a year and meet 30-40 year old women who also want a family. He could become a foster dad in the meantime he wanted if he was desperate for kids in his life or join big brothers/big sisters as a big brother. My cousin married someone at 39 "both desperate for kids" and within 10 years, they had 2 kids and were divorced (started to go through divorce in year four, one child had a life threatening medical situation so they paused it for a couple years while the marriage became more unbearable. Kid got manageable better, then they divorced. parenting is acrimonious as they didn't get along well to begin with and the other party is especially petty (will not let child pick up science project they need for school the next day from parent A's house if Parent b has had them since they picked them up from school on Friday and has them until they got to school on Monday. They could not get the project because they never went back to parent A's house and could not bring it to school friday) Its a disaster.

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My girlfriend and I plan to get married in a month. We are both 38 and have dated for 4 years. We both desperately want kids. Things have been volatile for a while, so this is not a case of cold feet...... Talking about past arguments in counseling made things worse. She just dug in more and was unable to see things from my point of view. Our counselor says she has difficulty managing anxiety and noted that it escalates quickly to anger. Before, I thought she was just a difficult, Type-A personality who always wants to be in control. Now, I suspect she may have some degree of personality disorder that limits her ability to express empathy and process negative emotions. It is a huge red flag and I do not feel at peace about starting a family with her.

 

 

Yikesssss....this is really, really bad. More than a red flag here, this is a screaming megaphone. Your gut is telling you "do not have a family with this woman" and you need to heed it. If you think things are bad now, they are going to be exponentially worse after you have children. Children stress even the best relationships and you two are nowhere near that. Your future children deserve much better than this.

 

You feel like a parent to her. You can't bring up past issues in therapy without her flying off the handle. You suspect a possible diagnosed personality disorder that is making this relationship toxic and unhealthy. You can't work through your issues, you admit that there is codependency, and she tries to bully you with power moves.

 

My advice is to get YOURSELF into some individual therapy and get a halfway decent sounding board. Tell the therapist everything you've said here and more. Listen to a professional opinion. I don't think anyone who is a therapist or who actually cares about your wellbeing would suggest that you stay and work it out.

 

Yes, you're 38 and you want to have kids but as a man, your window of fertility is not that of a woman's. You can get out of this relationship, heal, and move on with someone a tad younger who is still able to bear children with you, this time in a healthy relationship that isn't a train wreck.

 

Do not marry this woman. Do not have children with her. Actually, I wouldn't have sex with her unprotected from now on. You don't know what she may do in an effort to "seal the deal" and ensure that a marriage occurs. Use your condoms. Get into some individual therapy.

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Wow, thank you for all the feedback. Please be assured, I am not willing to have kids in the current situation. I have told her many times that things don’t get easier with children, so we need to resolve things now before I am willing to proceed. I would not do that to my future kids. It just feels like I am outof runway to try to resolve the issue.

 

I kept the details short and I know I may come off as over-critical or judgmental toward my GF. I’m not perfect and I share the blame in how things have developed. It doesn’t help that she is anxious to begin with, but she is prone to tantrums when things don’t meet her standards or throws her off her self-imposed schedule. Every minute counts and she is easily annoyed by unplanned setbacks. It started with small fights that could have been easily resolved by a simple apology or understanding.

One example: I was out with the flu and she planned to make dinner after getting home. I took a sick day and agreed to wash the vegetables to help her out. Turns out, I also had to clear the sink and do dishes before I could get to her task. When she got home and saw that it wasn’t ready, she got pissed and refused to make dinner. I offered to order take out instead, but that just made her angrier. We got in a huge fight, and I ended up losing my voice on top of the flu.

 

I’ve tried to address these issues early on, but she always tells me that my expectations are unrealistic and that she isn’t going to change. It’s my first serious relationship, so I think I’ve put a lot more effort into it than a lot of you would have. The glue that holds us together is our ability to make each other laugh easily and her short memory (I'm the one who holds on to grudges longer). Things are ok on a day-to-day basis, but it feels like the partnership is lacking. More recently our bigger fights have put marriage on the line, she hits back with “if you don’t like it, you can walk”, or “Fine, you can have your way if you make a million dollars, so I can quit my job.” I know it’s a bad dynamic, and I’ve run out of ideas on how to have a constructive dialogue.

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