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Thread: Get married first, heal resentments later?

  1. #11
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Counseling didn't work, she's probably has a mental disorder and you want to pass that onto your kids? Give your head a shake. You'd be a damn fool to marry this woman. I was raised by a mother that had mental illness...it was HORRIBLE! My life was a living hell....don't do it!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Different people fight differently. I don't mean to sound rude but you come across as condescending in your description of her and she may be picking up on years of condescension in general from you and is really fed up with your high horse attitude and it seems like she counters it with her 'my way or the highway' mentality/approach. Please bear in mind this is an outsider speaking (I am in no way judging you as a person - this is just my initial feel reading your post).

    When you get to that age (later in life) and meet someone special, you're both bound to have your own ways. I had to work that out with my husband also and we had some conflicts in the beginning due to that. At some point you both need to drop the individualistic attitudes and come together as a couple if you want to make a marriage really work. Yes, you hold onto your individual selves but you don't hang on to your ideas so tightly that you can't work together as a couple especially when you need to do so together.

    Try and work things out together and practice more humility and compassion for each other. I don't know her side of things because she's not here. I'm only hearing her side through you and what she may think through you. It's fine to give in every now and then. It's not going to kill either of you. Even if you know you're not wrong on something, it's ok to accept what your partner says and go along with it if it's not that big of a deal. Be flexible and get rid of all that resentment. It has no place in a marriage.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Get married first, heal resentments later?
    Nope. Getting married is not a solution to relationship problems. If you haven't been able to resolve things after 4 years there is a pretty good chance they are going to stay the way they are.

    By the way, my guess is that you don't already have children? Because if you did, you would know that adding kids to the mix will escalate these issues by 1000%... and then you will be stuck co-parenting with this person that you have a resentment with for the rest of your life.

    The best thing you can do is spare your future children the grief of fighting and subsequent divorce by being honest with your fiance about how you feel and accepting that this relationship is probably not the one for you.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I understand I cant change her, but Ive told her that she needs to show accountability for her behavior
    Sorry but you contradict yourself here. In one breath you say you can't change her, and in the next you ask her to change her behavior in order to meet your needs.

    And meditation / personal counselling is all well and good... great that you are working on yourself... I am curious, what is it that she thinks you need to take responsibility for that is aggravating her to this degree?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Marriage doesn't fix issues, it makes them a thousand times worse. That's just the harsh reality and too many people proceed with marriage assuming otherwise, only to find themselves in a much deeper nightmare and harder to get out of.

    I think you know good and well that you shouldn't be marrying this woman, should have ended things a long time ago with her and to bring children into this mess...would be cruel and unconscionable. We both want kids but nothing else is working in our "relationship" is not a foundation for marriage. It's a set up for disaster. Your own gut is screaming at you and has been for a long time. Listen to it. Time to pull the plug on this mess permanently, get your head screwed on straight and find a decent woman to date when you've balanced yourself. It's not too late and you have time for all of that. Don't create false pressures and fears for yourself. This toxic relationship is more like an addiction and best way to get rid of an addiction is quit cold turkey.

  7. #16
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    What are you thinking? I don't understand! You should have broken up long ago.

    Are you attracted to drama and dysfunction? Did you grow up in this environment?

    I already feel sorry for your kids. Really selfish to bring kids into this mess.

  8. #17
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    Cancel the wedding, or at least initially postpone it...then cancel it later.
    Honestly, she shows no accountability on her end and is already bullying you "you have an unrealistic expectation of marriage". Indeed, you DO have an unrealistic expectation - that when you marry someone, you get to fix someone. When you slip the ring on her finger, she will have no motivation to work on ANYTHING and she will be a "my way or the highway" for the rest of your life. Good luck on any input on raising kids. It will be her way only.

    Postpone this wedding. At 38 it is not your last chance to be a dad. This relationship was sour from the get go. Please listen!!!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    A mistake that takes 15 minutes in a civil office can take years of expensive lawyers to undo. Skip that. You're not happy together. What more do you need to know?

  10. #19
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Never marry if you are not happy with the relationship. Add to kids to what will be a guaranteed failure? Why? So you can ALL be unhappy???

    My parents brought me AND my brother into a god awful marriage . My brother and I are STILL paying the price and we are middle aged.

    My vote is nope!

  11. #20
    Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    With all due respect... why on earth would you work so hard for a relationship that has been riddled with problems from the get go? That's like stepping into a fire because you are hoping it will cool you off.
    Last edited by Camber 2019; 05-01-2019 at 01:56 PM. Reason: clarification

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