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Thread: What should I do when my friend stopped texting me back?

  1. #1

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    What should I do when my friend stopped texting me back?

    I am gay and my best friend is a straight man. We went to the same university, but we really became close after we graduated. We worked in the offices and felt alone, especially our circle of friends was smaller. So, we started texting each other a lot and nearly everyday for four years, and it used to be very fun.

    We have the same personality and share similar worldviews, so he feels at cease to confide and talk to me about almost everything, like daily happening, office gossips, his shopping list, his hope and fear, his future plan, his family and girlfriend. Moreover, I have been his roommate for one year and that made us closer. When I feel so close to him, I usually express what I think or feel without thinking.

    Several weeks ago, he had an appointment to hang out with other friends. At first, they invited me, but change the date. When I knew, I called my best friend to ask him where they were and if I should go to meet them at the moment, but I was cut off for five times. I got very angry and texted him to ask if he still considered me as his friend. But when I calmed down, I send a message to apologize him. Next morning, he replied my message with a neutral emoji and didnít give an apology or explanation for cutting off my line. He also didnít reply my message for several days later.

    Finally, I told him that I felt as if he didn't care me and our friendship seemed not important to him. Shockingly, I found out later that the day I communicated with drama was the day that he broke up with his girlfriend. I felt very sorry and asked if he was O.K. He sincerely thanked me for caring about him and told me that he was fine. Two week ago, my laptop was broken and I asked him for advice. He replied instantly and seem concerned about my trouble. So I felt relief that he was not mad at me and all the past conflicts seemed resolved. But I was afraid that he was not in mood to chitchat, so I did not talk to him again until last week.

    Last Saturday, I asked him if he was free to hang out this weekend, but he didnít reply all day. So I thought that I might annoy him if I constantly continued contacting him and I would feel upset as well if he ignored me repeatedly. But I was also afraid that he would think that I neglected him if I didnít check in on him at all. So I decided to tell him directly that I wouldnít text him anymore, because I would feel upset if he didnít reply. I always miss him, and please text me when he wanted to talk again. Now, he still does not reply and I begin worrying and doubting if he is still mad at me and wonít speak to me again. Did I make a right decision to tell him like that and will he be angry? Can I be at cease and certain that he will speak to me again? How long will it take him to talk to me?

    Thank you for your advice.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Never text about important discussions. Major topics should be discussed in person. From what you've described, IMO, you're too needy of a friend. As people move on to different stages of life, friendships usually evolve, either growing or changing, or fade to less importance, or end altogether.

    I put in an equal effort into my friendships. If their effort lessens, mine does as well. If I ask a friend over for dinner and she can't make it for whatever reason, the ball is now in her court to ask me to do something. That's how I gauge a person's interest. If it never happens, I don't say a word and assume I'm no longer a priority and that's okay, because she doesn't owe me anything.

    I have a long distance friend I've known since childhood. She has a busy life and she has another friend from the state she moved from who started berating her for now returning calls in timely manner. My friend said she would end the friendship because it's stressful for someone to make you feel bad and expect too much from you.

    When someone doesn't reply right away, it might mean they no longer share the same desires as you in the frequency of contact. In the future, take a cue from the friend and go with their rate if you want to retain the friendship.

    It sounds like your friend was smothered by you. I've never labeled anyone my best friend because I know statuses can change. When you don't put all of your eggs in one basket, you'll be less devastated when the basket overturns.

    Is your life fulfilling with other friends, a hobby/interest, a satisfying career, a love life? If not, start concentrating on all of those things. The only person I text daily is my husband when we're apart at work. It's sparingly with others. Perhaps think you might be doing it in that department. If your friend contacts you again, tone it way down and take his lead on how your friendship should change. You can't expect the same intensity of friendship in your youth, since people get busy with partners, jobs, children, etc. Good luck.

  3. #3
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    My guess is that you're smothering him with messages and invitations to hang out.

    Friendships should be on an equal footing, where you both put forth the effort to do things together. This friendship seems very one-sided.

    Stop texting him. If he contacts you, fine. If he doesn't stop bothering him. He's clearly not in the mood right now to put up with your neediness.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd back off and stop with an over investment in this one friend. Expand your focus onto forming new friendships and keep in loose touch with this one. Historic friendships diverge at times, and that's natural as we each grow at different rates and place our focus on different aspects of our lives. Being insecure about that is the way to burn a bridge. It's not necessary to keep taking the temperature of the friendship all the time. Let him go, live your life, and when you can connect with one another, enjoy one another and catch up.

    Head high, and read my sig.

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  6. #5
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    Are you usually so dramatic? Wow! You need to pull way back.

    Too much communication with this guy, too.

  7. #6
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    He's messed in the head over this breakup...sometimes people break routine just to feel different and disconnect. Either he's trying to get over her, or he's thinking of ways to repair the relationship...trying to get her back. It's a struggle for him so just give him some space to adjust to whatever he's going through. Now for you, you should have a social circle of your own. branch out, make new connections.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP your post is coming across as though you want to be in a romantic relationship with this guy. Or at the very least are in a co-dependent friendship with him.

    I know that it's possible for friendships to have deep levels of intimacy and closeness... to get that in a friendship, we need to respect that they will ebb and flow. There will be times when they pull away, or we pull away, or we take different turns in our lives... and we need to give each other the space to do that. Accept that he wants some space right now and don't take it personally... just go live your life and focus on your other friends for awhile until he comes around.

    And stop with the dramatic texts... this will just annoy him further.

  9. #8
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    Wow. If someone doesn't text you back right away, it means they are busy. I agree, you are acting like he is your boyfriend. Leave the guy alone. Let him text back when he wants to/is able an make sure you have other friends than just him.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Wow. If someone doesn't text you back right away, it means they are busy. I agree, you are acting like he is your boyfriend. Leave the guy alone. Let him text back when he wants to/is able an make sure you have other friends than just him.
    Exactly what I was going to write. A straight guy may be your friend, but he is not interested in being your go-to person about everything. I am sure he wonders if you are hitting on him.

    Back off and let your friendship have a little air.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Youre in love with him.

    He is straight or is at least telling you he is

    Youre playing with fire dear.

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