How do I trust again

This is a bit of a long one so please hang in there.

A bit of background history.

I'm married to a wonderful women and a fantastic mother to my son.

I was unfortunately working in another country for about 5 years, only going home every two months, so I guess distance could have been a cause to this but I think I could have also shown her more love and affection whenever I was at home with her. She did mention this a number of times but I guess I was just to stupid to listen to her.

About 8 months ago I moved back to my home country, but still not staying at home as I am still working away from home and only getting home every two weeks or so. A few days after me getting back to my home country I found out that my wife, of almost 9 years, was having a bit of a "fling" with a guy in another country she met through work. She has her own business so travels a lot to this specific country and when there she tries to meet up with him.

I confronted her about this when I first found out and she did admit to it and promised me nothing serious happened between them, which I believe. After a few days she told me that they had spoken and the guy does not want to carry on their "relationship as he loves his wife and does also not want to hurt me (I respect him a lot for this).

A few days ago I acccidently stumbled across messages that was sent between the two of them, as any other person would do, I read through a lot of the messages, which was a lot of work related matters, but she still seems very "obsessed" with him constantly telling him she misses him and things like that, even though in the messages between them I can see he is not interested in persuing a relationship because he has told her that "time will heal the feelings she has for him". The thing that hurt me most in the messages that I read is that she has on a few occations said she loves him, but has not said this to me since I first found out what was happening, not even now does she say that to me, if I say "I love you" in a text message or something she will send me a return message and say "thank you".

She is a very determined women, which I admire a lot about her and normally get what she wants, which is also the reason she is such a sucessful business women but this also has me frightened because I do not want to see her damage, not only our relationship, but the other guys marriage as well because he has a lovely wife and two children.

Any advice on how to proceed with this?

As mentioned, this is a bit of a long one, so thanks for reading.

How did you find out about their “fling”?

And why do you respect him for not wanting to continue this fling?

He clearly was happy to engage in it but not to the point of his wife finding out and breaking up his marriage? He doesn’t care about your marriage! He is covering his own ass because what he thought was a fling, your wife thought differently. And that has freaked him out!

It sounds like your wife was prepared to leave you for this man, whereas he just saw it as a safe affair. Married people seeking an affair usually seek one with another married person rather than a single person.

It’s a significantly lower risk.

Why did you not show her love and affection when home? And why did you ignore her request for that?

Did your relationship start knowing there would be periods of distance?

I would speak with your wife about this head on and don't skimp out on how you feel and the way that this betrayal of trust has hurt you. Resist the urge to let this spiral into an emotional outburst but you should be clear and assertive that this is not ok in a marriage, regardless of how you both live. I personally don't think this is salvageable unless she admits her own wrongs and indiscretions and wants to sincerely make amends with you and rebuild that trust (provided you're open to the idea at the same time). I really don't care whether your relationship was like this from the start or not. A marriage is a marriage and regardless of how two people choose to handle it, there should be a greater amount of respect and care between two people. This is not what a marriage should be. Don't be afraid to call a spade a spade and be honest with yourself.

You should get the answers directly from her and figure out (both of you) where you want to go from here.

She has her own business so travels a lot to this specific country and when there she tries to meet up with him

I confronted her about this when I first found out and she did admit to it and promised me nothing serious happened between them, which I believe.

And you believed?

she still seems very "obsessed" with him constantly telling him she misses him and things like that, even though in the messages between them I can see he is not interested in persuing a relationship

It does not matter how he feels about her, what matters is how she feels about him. She misses him and that's all that should matter to you. You cannot depend on that man to save your marriage.

To summarize, this is just another case of being cool with your partner communicating a lot with people of opposite sex. Keep playing with fire and before you know it, stuff like this begins to happen.

I can only feel bad for you and hope the best for you here. You should have drawn a boundary long back. I think too many people do not take the corrective action because of the fear of being called controlling or jealous. Later, they face the consequences.

You've been living apart more than you have together and that's going to strain even the best of relationships and people. On top of that, sounds like your wife sounded the alarm bells of trouble more than once and tried to get your attention that your connection is slipping away in vain. On the one hand, I feel bad for you, but on the other hand, you are doing what too many men do - try to bolt the barn door after the horses have left.

After such a long separation...and still separated....you both need to ask yourselves some serious questions. Like is there anything even left between the two of you besides a legal document. The reality is that you both have drifted far apart emotionally. If you both want to bridge that gap, you pretty much have to start over from scratch. Start dating and getting to know each other again and leave what happened in the past completely. If reconnecting isn't possible, then call it a day and divorce. You haven't been there for your son either and your wife has been pretty much a single mother for the past 5 years. Normally, I'd condemn the cheater, but in this case....what did you think would happen to your marriage in 5 years of absence?

Whilst your marriage took a toll due to your absence, it doesn't justify her behaviour. Ideally, you don't cheat when things are tough or you feel disconnected to your spouse / partner. But unfortunately, life isn't black and white. We are humans filled with feelings, emotions and desires. We are humans bound to mess up, especially when circumstances are less-than-stellar.

Reality is that you have a son. Thus, for his sake and the family unit I'd suggest you seek marriage therapy / counselling and simultaneously personal therapy / counselling. This should hopefully provide you with the clarity needed to do whatever you believe is best.

I'm married to a wonderful women and a fantastic mother to my son.

I found out that my wife, of almost 9 years, was having a bit of a "fling" with a guy in another country she met through work.

Sorry you’re going through this OP :( . That’s tough. I would say before anything try really giving her attention and spending time together, going away on vacation or something. Really give it your all. If the behaviour doesn’t change then it’s too late. I can’t tell on whether she’s still holding on or not. She’s obviously very desperate for a connection and attention which she didn’t receive from you so she’s looking elsewhere. Whether or not she really has moved on or truly loves this other guy, I’m not sure of. You have to have a few conversations, put in a LOT of effort and I would highly suggest marriage counselling.