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Thread: At breaking point with boyfriend because of money

  1. #1

    At breaking point with boyfriend because of money

    I love my bf of almost 6 years and I know he deeply loves me but thereís an ongoing issue. Iím a conservative person when it comes to money and he is not. If that was the only issue I think we could work through it but itís not....
    He has limited assets and only makes a modest living just enough to pay his regular bills. Iíve helped him budget and spend more wisely given his situation so heís better than he was. But now he wants to marry and move in. Under normal circumstances Iíd want to as well but for my fear that Iíll end up supporting him. We are both close to retirement age and Iíve worked hard all my life and saved for a comfortable retirement unlike him.

    My fear was heightened recently when the following occurred:
    During this last month Iíve paid for the following: his mothers birthday gift, he asked me to take care if making a charity donation for his friend at work I donít even know, i paid for a wedding gift from us to a wedding where I came as his guest and then I paid airfare for another wedding Iím going as his guest even though he originally told me he was taking care of all the costs for the wedding. When I hinted I charged more the last few weeks he said ďIím running short this monthĒ. Really? To top it off he promised to save more ďfor our futureĒ last month but I know he hasnít done so.

    Am I being paranoid or should I break both of our hearts and leave him?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You don't have to break up, you just have to stop enabling and micromanaging him. You can't fix or change him. What you see is what you get. But you can stop mothering him. Do not marry or commingle finances in any way. Get to an attorney and make sure your assets are safe. Do not give him access to any accounts or credit cards. Make sure he doesn't continue to con you out of money. What do your friends, family, kids etc think of his leeching?
    Originally Posted by Tornented400
    he wants to marry and move in.
    We are both close to retirement age and Iíve worked hard all my life and saved for a comfortable retirement unlike him.
    Iíve paid for the following:....

  3. #3
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    Are you also going to pay for your engagement ring and wedding?
    I couldnít care less if the ring cost $100 and the wedding was a registry.
    He canít even afford that!!!

    Why are YOU paying for everything?
    It sounds like you do it willingly? Why?

  4. #4
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    He's not going to change no matter how many talks you have with him.

    You are a willing meal ticket to him. If you choose to stay with him, I would do it without benefit of marriage, unless you want him to automatically be entitled to half of everything you've saved up during your life.

    What would happen if you refused to pay his way? Would he be angry? Would he break up?

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  6. #5
    To be clear: He does take my son to dinner usually once a week and we sort of take turns buying dinner when weíre together 2 nights per week. Last week he went with my son to nyc for the day and I paid for the train tickets and parking and he paid for their show tickets and dinner.
    A few months ago he insisted on taking me away for a beach vacation and first days heíd pay for it all but I ended up paying our airfare. I told him not to spend the money but he was insistent saying ďwe needed itĒ.
    So he does pay for things but selectively.

  7. #6
    I just think my fear if we live together of him saying heís short that month is scaring me because thatís what I always imagined he may say.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The guy has limits, so stop doing expensive things with him. Either he can afford something or not. If you want to gift it to him, do so, but that's reality.

    You get to decide whether you love the guy 'as is,' or whether you'll want to go off to potentially make your fantasies happen with someone else. You can't have it both ways, so keeping one foot in each camp is what's causing you to feel lousy.

    Either embrace the modest life with this guy, or walk away. Holding onto him AND your visions of a life free of money issues is not helpful to enjoying either.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    DONT marry this guy. He's using you as a bank, which you are not. Your life will continue as it has if you marry him or dont grow a backbone and stop enabling him. He sees you as an easy touch because you keep paying for everything. Smarten up.

    The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour.

  10. #9
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    No one can take advantage of you unless you let him. Stop doing things that he can't afford, unless you want to pay for it.

    If you want to do the things that require money, like plane tickets, and theater tickets, then contribute cheerfully to them and stop resenting him for it. You're the one calling the shots here. Stop blaming him for not contributing. You can take him the way he is or leave him.

  11. #10
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    Don't pay for anything you don't feel comfortable for. He takes care of his end, you take care of your end.

    If this is his lifelong habit, you aren't going to change him now. Best thing you can do is let him do his own thing. He's made it this far. Pre-nup if you plan to marry.

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