Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 21

Thread: At breaking point with boyfriend because of money

  1. #11
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,015
    Originally Posted by Tornented400
    To be clear: He does take my son to dinner usually once a week and we sort of take turns buying dinner when weíre together 2 nights per week. Last week he went with my son to nyc for the day and I paid for the train tickets and parking and he paid for their show tickets and dinner.
    A few months ago he insisted on taking me away for a beach vacation and first days heíd pay for it all but I ended up paying our airfare. I told him not to spend the money but he was insistent saying ďwe needed itĒ.
    So he does pay for things but selectively.
    He insisted but you paid for his insistence ?
    He did NOT take you away on a beach vacation. You took him there!
    He is getting vacations at your expense under the pretence that ďWE need itĒ And you end up paying! Wow !
    Are you actually ok with that??

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Somewhere Out There
    Age
    36
    Posts
    1,670
    Gender
    Female
    Since heís limited in funds I would live within his means. He canít afford fancy vacations.
    Heís gotten used to the fact if he canít pay the rest youíll cover it so thatís why heís having trouble budgeting.


    If you see getting married then you need to accept this is the position heís in. I would be wise and do a pre nup before you do though.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    19,759
    Don't do it. If he has not learned how to budget at his age, he never will. You will be responsible for his bills and debts.

    Do not EVER marry this man, and stop enabling him. DO NOT give him anymore money. You are a part of the problem.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    19,759
    Originally Posted by Tornented400
    To be clear: He does take my son to dinner usually once a week and we sort of take turns buying dinner when weíre together 2 nights per week. Last week he went with my son to nyc for the day and I paid for the train tickets and parking and he paid for their show tickets and dinner.
    A few months ago he insisted on taking me away for a beach vacation and first days heíd pay for it all but I ended up paying our airfare. I told him not to spend the money but he was insistent saying ďwe needed itĒ.
    So he does pay for things but selectively.
    So now your are defending him. Why did you start this thread?

    " few months ago he insisted on taking me away for a beach vacation and first days heíd pay for it all but I ended up paying our airfare. I told him not to spend the money but he was insistent saying ďwe needed itĒ. Oh goodness. You paid the majority, again.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,336
    Gender
    Female
    If he takes turns buying dinner but does not have money for extras like plane tickets - that's different than he just blows his money. Does he spend it on frivolous things or does he not have it? If you married him, you would be paying one rent or mortgage instead of two and there would be more money, but still...you should NOT be buying his mother's gifts and you SHOULD be buying plane ticets if the wedding is on your side if you want him to go and he cannot afford it.

    I think you should tell him your concerns, but you should have spoke up before the 6 year mark. Its not about him making less per se

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,336
    Gender
    Female
    btw, my aunt controls all the finances because my uncle would have every dime spent on star trek crap. If you can have a marriage where he hands his paycheck to you and is given a certain amount of pocket money to spend as he pleases --- that arrangement could work if he is thrilled at the idea of not having to worry about it. But i would caution you to get married if you have concerns

  8. #17
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,550
    Gender
    Female
    I'd strongly advise you against getting married to this guy. He isn't going to have more money or change his habits, but he will have access to your funds and savings, not to mention rights to your savings and that can wreck your retirement. Also, you seem to have a hard time saying no to him. As another poster pointed out, he decides on whatever, you end up funding it or picking up the slack once he is out of money. It's one thing if you want to take him to a beach vacation, quite another when he claims to take you while using you as ATM.

    I think you need to decide if you want to even stay in any kind of a relationship with him at all and if so, on what terms and set up some more appropriate boundaries. Marriage shouldn't even be a consideration with someone who walks all over you so easily.

  9. #18
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    925
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Tornented400
    I love my bf of almost 6 years and I know he deeply loves me but thereís an ongoing issue. Iím a conservative person when it comes to money and he is not. If that was the only issue I think we could work through it but itís not....
    He has limited assets and only makes a modest living just enough to pay his regular bills. Iíve helped him budget and spend more wisely given his situation so heís better than he was. But now he wants to marry and move in. Under normal circumstances Iíd want to as well but for my fear that Iíll end up supporting him. We are both close to retirement age and Iíve worked hard all my life and saved for a comfortable retirement unlike him.

    My fear was heightened recently when the following occurred:
    During this last month Iíve paid for the following: his mothers birthday gift, he asked me to take care if making a charity donation for his friend at work I donít even know, i paid for a wedding gift from us to a wedding where I came as his guest and then I paid airfare for another wedding Iím going as his guest even though he originally told me he was taking care of all the costs for the wedding. When I hinted I charged more the last few weeks he said ďIím running short this monthĒ. Really? To top it off he promised to save more ďfor our futureĒ last month but I know he hasnít done so.

    Am I being paranoid or should I break both of our hearts and leave him?
    If you had the strength or the courage, you would have done so already. I think it's best to uncover or do some soul searching about your fears. In your first post above it also seems like your communication with him is scarce and somewhat indirect. You're not being direct about your concerns and you are also doing a very poor job of communicating solutions and what you expect from him. I think I would be confused myself dealing with you if I had a rubberized dial or elastic idea of the value of money. Are you afraid of what he thinks about you or are you afraid that he'll react badly to what you really think of him? You're not being honest with each other, totally open up those communication lines and start communicating directly. Start with that and go from there.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    7,703
    In a relationship where one person does most of the giving and the other does most of the taking, it's only a matter of time before the one who does the giving starts to resent the other - and this is the point that you've reached right now.

    Don't even contemplate marrying this guy; as you already know, he will be a drain and a leech, and expect you to make up for his own failure to make responsible financial plans when he was younger. I don't see why you need to end the relationship, though. I get that he wants to move in and all that, but I don't see why you shouldn't graciously decline and let him know why. Stop taking on responsibilities which are rightfully his, like his mother's birthday present, and don't do activities where you're really paying the lion's share - unless you can genuinely do so with no resentment and can regard it as a gift.

    This guy has come to regard you as a resource to be exploited and will continue to do so unless you stop fulfilling your side of the bargain. It will be interesting to see how long his commitment to you lasts if you do keep your boundaries.

  11. #20
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    9
    Do you feel like heís selfish in other areas of the relationship? How do you feel he is overall as a person ? I think thatís important. I assume youíre middle aged or so as you mentioned retirement. I would step away from paying for too many things that are his responsibility. At that point in life maybe see the relationship as more of a casual companionship where you enjoy eachothers company but hold your own independence. As in your finances are completely spererate as well as living, and no formal commitment. Iíve unfortunately seen this situation happen as Iím in financial advising, and you donít want to be that person! Youíve worked very hard youíre whole life and should enjoy what youíve earned doing what YOU want to do. It seems heís the one benefiting more from this, and itís not your responsibility to baby him. I would say really consider the advice of friends, family and kids if you have them as they usually notice things better than we can.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •