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At breaking point with boyfriend because of money


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I love my bf of almost 6 years and I know he deeply loves me but there’s an ongoing issue. I’m a conservative person when it comes to money and he is not. If that was the only issue I think we could work through it but it’s not....

He has limited assets and only makes a modest living just enough to pay his regular bills. I’ve helped him budget and spend more wisely given his situation so he’s better than he was. But now he wants to marry and move in. Under normal circumstances I’d want to as well but for my fear that I’ll end up supporting him. We are both close to retirement age and I’ve worked hard all my life and saved for a comfortable retirement unlike him.

 

My fear was heightened recently when the following occurred:

During this last month I’ve paid for the following: his mothers birthday gift, he asked me to take care if making a charity donation for his friend at work I don’t even know, i paid for a wedding gift from us to a wedding where I came as his guest and then I paid airfare for another wedding I’m going as his guest even though he originally told me he was taking care of all the costs for the wedding. When I hinted I charged more the last few weeks he said “I’m running short this month”. Really? To top it off he promised to save more “for our future” last month but I know he hasn’t done so.

 

Am I being paranoid or should I break both of our hearts and leave him?

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You don't have to break up, you just have to stop enabling and micromanaging him. You can't fix or change him. What you see is what you get. But you can stop mothering him. Do not marry or commingle finances in any way. Get to an attorney and make sure your assets are safe. Do not give him access to any accounts or credit cards. Make sure he doesn't continue to con you out of money. What do your friends, family, kids etc think of his leeching?

he wants to marry and move in.

We are both close to retirement age and I’ve worked hard all my life and saved for a comfortable retirement unlike him.

I’ve paid for the following:....

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Are you also going to pay for your engagement ring and wedding?

I couldn’t care less if the ring cost $100 and the wedding was a registry.

He can’t even afford that!!!

 

Why are YOU paying for everything?

It sounds like you do it willingly? Why?

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He's not going to change no matter how many talks you have with him.

 

You are a willing meal ticket to him. If you choose to stay with him, I would do it without benefit of marriage, unless you want him to automatically be entitled to half of everything you've saved up during your life.

 

What would happen if you refused to pay his way? Would he be angry? Would he break up?

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To be clear: He does take my son to dinner usually once a week and we sort of take turns buying dinner when we’re together 2 nights per week. Last week he went with my son to nyc for the day and I paid for the train tickets and parking and he paid for their show tickets and dinner.

A few months ago he insisted on taking me away for a beach vacation and first days he’d pay for it all but I ended up paying our airfare. I told him not to spend the money but he was insistent saying “we needed it”.

So he does pay for things but selectively.

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The guy has limits, so stop doing expensive things with him. Either he can afford something or not. If you want to gift it to him, do so, but that's reality.

 

You get to decide whether you love the guy 'as is,' or whether you'll want to go off to potentially make your fantasies happen with someone else. You can't have it both ways, so keeping one foot in each camp is what's causing you to feel lousy.

 

Either embrace the modest life with this guy, or walk away. Holding onto him AND your visions of a life free of money issues is not helpful to enjoying either.

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DONT marry this guy. He's using you as a bank, which you are not. Your life will continue as it has if you marry him or dont grow a backbone and stop enabling him. He sees you as an easy touch because you keep paying for everything. Smarten up.

 

The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour.

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No one can take advantage of you unless you let him. Stop doing things that he can't afford, unless you want to pay for it.

 

If you want to do the things that require money, like plane tickets, and theater tickets, then contribute cheerfully to them and stop resenting him for it. You're the one calling the shots here. Stop blaming him for not contributing. You can take him the way he is or leave him.

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Don't pay for anything you don't feel comfortable for. He takes care of his end, you take care of your end.

 

If this is his lifelong habit, you aren't going to change him now. Best thing you can do is let him do his own thing. He's made it this far. Pre-nup if you plan to marry.

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To be clear: He does take my son to dinner usually once a week and we sort of take turns buying dinner when we’re together 2 nights per week. Last week he went with my son to nyc for the day and I paid for the train tickets and parking and he paid for their show tickets and dinner.

A few months ago he insisted on taking me away for a beach vacation and first days he’d pay for it all but I ended up paying our airfare. I told him not to spend the money but he was insistent saying “we needed it”.

So he does pay for things but selectively.

 

He insisted but you paid for his insistence ?

He did NOT take you away on a beach vacation. You took him there!

He is getting vacations at your expense under the pretence that “WE need it” And you end up paying! Wow !

Are you actually ok with that??

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Since he’s limited in funds I would live within his means. He can’t afford fancy vacations.

He’s gotten used to the fact if he can’t pay the rest you’ll cover it so that’s why he’s having trouble budgeting.

 

 

If you see getting married then you need to accept this is the position he’s in. I would be wise and do a pre nup before you do though.

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Don't do it. If he has not learned how to budget at his age, he never will. You will be responsible for his bills and debts.

 

Do not EVER marry this man, and stop enabling him. DO NOT give him anymore money. You are a part of the problem.

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To be clear: He does take my son to dinner usually once a week and we sort of take turns buying dinner when we’re together 2 nights per week. Last week he went with my son to nyc for the day and I paid for the train tickets and parking and he paid for their show tickets and dinner.

A few months ago he insisted on taking me away for a beach vacation and first days he’d pay for it all but I ended up paying our airfare. I told him not to spend the money but he was insistent saying “we needed it”.

So he does pay for things but selectively.

 

So now your are defending him. Why did you start this thread?

 

" few months ago he insisted on taking me away for a beach vacation and first days he’d pay for it all but I ended up paying our airfare. I told him not to spend the money but he was insistent saying “we needed it”. Oh goodness. You paid the majority, again.

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If he takes turns buying dinner but does not have money for extras like plane tickets - that's different than he just blows his money. Does he spend it on frivolous things or does he not have it? If you married him, you would be paying one rent or mortgage instead of two and there would be more money, but still...you should NOT be buying his mother's gifts and you SHOULD be buying plane ticets if the wedding is on your side if you want him to go and he cannot afford it.

 

I think you should tell him your concerns, but you should have spoke up before the 6 year mark. Its not about him making less per se

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btw, my aunt controls all the finances because my uncle would have every dime spent on star trek crap. If you can have a marriage where he hands his paycheck to you and is given a certain amount of pocket money to spend as he pleases --- that arrangement could work if he is thrilled at the idea of not having to worry about it. But i would caution you to get married if you have concerns

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I'd strongly advise you against getting married to this guy. He isn't going to have more money or change his habits, but he will have access to your funds and savings, not to mention rights to your savings and that can wreck your retirement. Also, you seem to have a hard time saying no to him. As another poster pointed out, he decides on whatever, you end up funding it or picking up the slack once he is out of money. It's one thing if you want to take him to a beach vacation, quite another when he claims to take you while using you as ATM.

 

I think you need to decide if you want to even stay in any kind of a relationship with him at all and if so, on what terms and set up some more appropriate boundaries. Marriage shouldn't even be a consideration with someone who walks all over you so easily.

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I love my bf of almost 6 years and I know he deeply loves me but there’s an ongoing issue. I’m a conservative person when it comes to money and he is not. If that was the only issue I think we could work through it but it’s not....

He has limited assets and only makes a modest living just enough to pay his regular bills. I’ve helped him budget and spend more wisely given his situation so he’s better than he was. But now he wants to marry and move in. Under normal circumstances I’d want to as well but for my fear that I’ll end up supporting him. We are both close to retirement age and I’ve worked hard all my life and saved for a comfortable retirement unlike him.

 

My fear was heightened recently when the following occurred:

During this last month I’ve paid for the following: his mothers birthday gift, he asked me to take care if making a charity donation for his friend at work I don’t even know, i paid for a wedding gift from us to a wedding where I came as his guest and then I paid airfare for another wedding I’m going as his guest even though he originally told me he was taking care of all the costs for the wedding. When I hinted I charged more the last few weeks he said “I’m running short this month”. Really? To top it off he promised to save more “for our future” last month but I know he hasn’t done so.

 

Am I being paranoid or should I break both of our hearts and leave him?

 

If you had the strength or the courage, you would have done so already. I think it's best to uncover or do some soul searching about your fears. In your first post above it also seems like your communication with him is scarce and somewhat indirect. You're not being direct about your concerns and you are also doing a very poor job of communicating solutions and what you expect from him. I think I would be confused myself dealing with you if I had a rubberized dial or elastic idea of the value of money. Are you afraid of what he thinks about you or are you afraid that he'll react badly to what you really think of him? You're not being honest with each other, totally open up those communication lines and start communicating directly. Start with that and go from there.

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In a relationship where one person does most of the giving and the other does most of the taking, it's only a matter of time before the one who does the giving starts to resent the other - and this is the point that you've reached right now.

 

Don't even contemplate marrying this guy; as you already know, he will be a drain and a leech, and expect you to make up for his own failure to make responsible financial plans when he was younger. I don't see why you need to end the relationship, though. I get that he wants to move in and all that, but I don't see why you shouldn't graciously decline and let him know why. Stop taking on responsibilities which are rightfully his, like his mother's birthday present, and don't do activities where you're really paying the lion's share - unless you can genuinely do so with no resentment and can regard it as a gift.

 

This guy has come to regard you as a resource to be exploited and will continue to do so unless you stop fulfilling your side of the bargain. It will be interesting to see how long his commitment to you lasts if you do keep your boundaries.

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Do you feel like he’s selfish in other areas of the relationship? How do you feel he is overall as a person ? I think that’s important. I assume you’re middle aged or so as you mentioned retirement. I would step away from paying for too many things that are his responsibility. At that point in life maybe see the relationship as more of a casual companionship where you enjoy eachothers company but hold your own independence. As in your finances are completely spererate as well as living, and no formal commitment. I’ve unfortunately seen this situation happen as I’m in financial advising, and you don’t want to be that person! You’ve worked very hard you’re whole life and should enjoy what you’ve earned doing what YOU want to do. It seems he’s the one benefiting more from this, and it’s not your responsibility to baby him. I would say really consider the advice of friends, family and kids if you have them as they usually notice things better than we can.

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