Seeking ex advice

Hello all,

I am almost 22 years old and graduating college in 2 weeks. I was with my ex from December of 2015 to February of this year. We were friends throughout high school, graduated the same year and got drunk at a party in freshman year of college and got together shortly after. I never expected her to become the love of my life like she has. I would consider her my best friend and she understands me like nobody else can even come close to, and I understand her very well too. (I think) Due to a sad childhood involving my parents both passing away from cancer before I graduated high school, I suffered from debilitating depression and low self confidence/lack of motivation which got serious sometime in my sophomore year of college (Fall 2016/Spring 2017) I turned to smoking weed religiously every day and thought for a while that it was helping me stay calm relaxed and happy, when in reality it was making me forget my issues and be lazy.

With my constant sadness I turned my ex into an emotional crutch. Whenever I felt sad or like I wouldn't amount to anything I would confide in her. She would be supportive and tell me I should do this or that to make me feel better, but I was a hermit for a long time just smoking weed by myself in the comfort of my own room. I have made only 1 close friend throughout my 4 years of college and I know once I graduate I'm going to regret and reminisce on what I didn't do, all because I just wanted to smoke weed by myself and play video games or surf the web.

She broke up with me in November for reasons like she felt like she was more taking care of me than in a relationship with me, felt like I didn't care about her as much as she did about me, and that we only see each other on most weekends. (She commutes to a school near home and I live at school about an hour or so away) I took this breakup as a wake up call and stopped smoking weed for a few days, but long story short we got back together in 3 weeks or so and I was in the same state of mind again. I remember saying I will change and try to fight my demons instead of letting them control me, but I didn't really do anything to make that true, hence the breakup again 2 months ago.

We don't text nearly as much, but we still hang out sometimes and still have sex. 2 weeks ago she told me she was seeing another guy and having sex with him, but "She only thinks about me," and "He's just not you." She's completely off of the idea of us getting back together and I know she's just protecting her feelings from being disappointed again. She has also told me many times that she doesn't want a boyfriend at all, and I get that. I figured she was just having fun enjoying the single life for some time. (She had a boyfriend from 7th grade to freshman year, then shortly after another boyfriend to senior year. They were only broken up for a handful of months before we started dating.) This guy she's been seeing wants to go steady with her, and two days ago she was complaining to me about how she feels bad for both of us and guilty because she's playing both of us because we both want her all to ourselves, but she still doesn't want to have a boyfriend. I told her I can't control what she does and I understand that she's just doing what she wants right now, and I know she doesn't want to jump right back into our relationship. She has said to me that her heart wants to but her mind tells her she shouldn't.

This guy doesn't seem like her type at all. He does drugs that are far worse than weed and she also told me he's an alcoholic. These are things that she has verbally said many times that she would not want at all in a partner. Today, she posted on snapchat saying something about "her man" and I said something about it. She later said that he is her boyfriend. When I questioned her and said I was confused since she's been saying that she doesn't want a boyfriend, she didn't really seem to understand why I was so upset. She said that he wanted her to be his girlfriend, so she's just going for it. This is very confusing to me, because this appears to be just a rebound relationship and not her type. I don't know if soulmates are a thing, but if they are she would be mine, and I truly believe it with how well we get along. She has shown me what true genuine love feels like, and it kills me to feel like I am losing her. I know that we might not get back together and I should accept that but I can't help thinking that in the future it will come back together. I just can't see myself wanting anyone else.

I should also mention that we have plans to go to an event together this weekend, and I'm going with her and her family to the Dominican Republic for her cousin's bachelor/bachelorette party. Her family also does not know that we are broken up. She hasn't told them because all of them really like me and she doesn't want them to be disappointed. She also said they wouldn't feel the same about me if we got back together if they knew we broke up. She also told me that this new guy doesn't know that we are still having sex.

I don't really know what I'm asking for from you readers. But I just needed to talk about it because it gives me at least a little bit of relief from my thoughts. Feel free to comment with whatever you think from what you read. Thank you.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Wasting your life on weed and video games is wrong. You need to stop that regardless of what is happening with this girl. Don't look back on what you haven't done. Regrets are useless. It's what you do from now on that counts. You need to stop the weed and the excessive gaming/net surfing. If available, it might be useful to seek therapy. Losing two parents was traumatic but the weed and gaming are not the answers.

She is playing you and that is also wrong. It sounds like she has serious issues of her own. Her reasons for breaking up were valid. However, her subsequent behaviour is messed up. You need to stop participating in this farce. She is no angel herself. Cheating on this guy is messed up and inexcusable. Choosing addicts is also messed up. Playing you is messed up and inexcusable. You need to stop participating in this circus. You made mistakes, sure, but she is being equally toxic at this point. Your relationship has become something toxic. You need to let her go and focus on fixing your own issues. You cannot fix her but you can fix yourself.

My advice is to cut off this girl out of your life (i.e. accept it's over and cut all contact) and focus on stopping the weed and gaming. Don't look back. What's done is done. Move forward. You are young and you can use this experience to change yourself to the better. There is still plenty of time but you do need to start trying. Seek professional help if available. Good luck.

I should have mentioned I stopped smoking the day she broke up with me again, and have been making steps to better myself and avoid laziness and face my responsibilities. Thank you for your reply.

1. I suffered from debilitating depression and low self confidence/lack of motivation ... but I was a hermit for a long time just smoking weed by myself in the comfort of my own room. I have made only 1 close friend throughout my 4 years of college and I know once I graduate I'm going to regret and reminisce on what I didn't do, all because I just wanted to smoke weed by myself and play video games or surf the web.

 

2. She broke up with me in November we got back together in 3 weeks or so and I was in the same state of mind again. I remember saying I will change and try to fight my demons instead of letting them control me, but I didn't really do anything to make that true, hence the breakup again 2 months ago.

 

3. I told her I can't control what she does and I understand that she's just doing what she wants right now, and I know she doesn't want to jump right back into our relationship. She has said to me that her heart wants to but her mind tells her she shouldn't.

 

4. This guy doesn't seem like her type at all.

 

5. She has shown me what true genuine love feels like, and it kills me to feel like I am losing her. I know that we might not get back together and I should accept that but I can't help thinking that in the future it will come back together. I just can't see myself wanting anyone else.

 

6. I should also mention that we have plans to go to an event together this weekend...

You need to tell her (nicely) you want to take some time to sort yourself out. That means go into no, or at least very limited contact with her, and work on yourself. You need to show her improvement, not just talk about it. You are both very young, and it is probably a good thing if you both get a bit more life experience under your belt before deciding your entire future. And stop having sex with her. Tell her that you don't like the situation, and need to get out of this triangle. Hard exercise gives you an endorphin release that replaces the biochemical high of romance. You won't miss the sex for long.

With that in mind, addressing the points I I have numbered from you post.

1. Get some therapy for your depression. Start exercising. Limit your computer play-time to an hour or two a day. Devote more time to your studies. Get an (extra) job and start saving some money to use for wealth creation. Join an on campus society and meet some other people. E.G. If you own a camera, join the photography club. I realize you are coming up to finals, but you will have all that extra time that you will not be spending smoking dope and playing some on line game.

2. All the same problems were there, so of course it didn't work.

3. You can't change her mind, but you can create a better version of yourself for her mind to look over at sometime down the track.

4. Stop comparing yourself to him. It is useless.

5. If you do no contact and improve yourself, then that feeling will fade. The current world population is 7.7 billion persons, 49.6% of whom are females. She is not the only one.

6. You need to cancel those plans. Your new self improved version does not engage in a deceit, so as to get a bit of sex (and possibly an STD from the other drug using guy).

Looking at this broadly, she has sidelined you, so she can play around, and still get what she wants from you. This may be partly your fault as you have described. But it is also partly hers.

You will be far better positioned to win her undivided attention in the future, if you cease this current dance with her, and get to work on yourself.

If you watch GoT you will be familiar with the phrase "The past is written. The ink is dry." Time to start a new page buddy.

If you take action now, you are doing this, above all for yourself. You and she may have a meaningful exclusive relationship in the future - but the reality is it is unlikely.

What is more likely is that, in time, if you do the work now, you will meet somebody new, who won't share her doubts.

Edit: Pretty much what Clio said.