Why do I feel guilty and do I even bother trying anymore ?

Long story some what short

I was with my girlfriend / fiancé for 15 months we dated for 11 months when I Proposed to her! So abkut 6 months in I woke up in the middle of the night and just had a feeling she was talking to someone on the phone so while she was in the bathroom I opened it and she was talking to the guy she dated before me about missing him and wishing she gave it more time we work things out it took a month or two she explained she didn’t know why she was entertaining him and she didn’t really mean it so five months after that I still decided to propose to her being that I already had the ring when I caught her in that situation the first time things have been great up until about two months ago we had recently got a new dog and the stress was tearing out our relationship some but things still felt OK than in the past month I really felt a lot of distant and I confronted her about texting her ex and she got very defensive we spent weeks arguing and she was blaming me for being over a questioning and not trusting her but I could just feel something was wrong so I had made up that I got a hold of our phone records and saw that she was talking to the kid again and she admitted to it that while I was at work or sleeping she was text texting him and FaceTime in him entertaining the fact of possibly ending it with me and moving back out to California where he was to try their relationship again when I asked her why she just said she wasn’t attracted to me on that level anymore and that ever since the first time I caught her she couldn’t deal with my trust issues but my trust issues came from that situation she moved out about a week ago and has been playing with my head one day saying she misses me and loves me and wants to come Back then the next says she can’t cut it off with talking to him she doesn’t know where her head is that then to top it all off for some reason I just felt the urge maybe from feeling insecure I don’t really know but I went and got a massage which ended in a happy ending and I have no clue why I should even feel guilty but I do

 

And after I called her the first time there was a lot of talking and I truly did forgive her being that it wasn’t physical it’s still took a lot of talking but I truly love this girl from the bottom of my heart but for her to do this again and I’m still sitting here questioning if I should give her another chance but I also feel the urge to tell her that I got a massage with a happy ending even though we’re not together she still does question me if I am hooking up with people or anything like that

I have no interest in seeing another girl at the moment with how broken I am but I’m obviously feeling insecure and to be honest I wanted some kind of sexual action and I just felt that was my best but being there’s no feelings

It just hurts knowing I was completely faithful for a year and a half and she brought this kid into our life twice and then moved out and entertained moving back to be with him but then the last couple days she’s been saying she’ll cut him off and we can go to counseling etc. and then I’ll text her and say did you cut him off and she just says I want to but I can’t so do I even bother trying to go to counseling the only thing I have holding on is the fact that it’s not physical because he’s across the country

@Eastcoast80: I think, one should never be cool with their significant other talking to their Ex to begin with. Regardless of whether this is being conservative or controlling, I just don't see any reason to allow this to happen. One of the primary reasons for this is described in your post. Especially if she had a physical relationship with the previous guy she dated.

 

Cheating can be both at physical and even emotional level.

 

I understand how you feel. You have been faithful to her and she has instead misused this trust. And you are not the one to be blamed for trust issues.

 

Its easy for someone to say "trust issues". But did she do enough to instill confidence and trust into the relation? Trust is something that needs to be built as well.

 

How old are you and how old is she?

The first time you caught her, you should have kicked her to the curb. And for her to divert blame....she's being a narcissist. She played you, acting like she didn't know what she was doing, then turning it on you that you have trust issues.....come on man, she's been messin with ya. She just says what you wanted to hear to pull on your heart strings, then bam you get suckered. She's full of it. I hope you have now successfully sent her packin.

I guess I forgave her the first time because how in love I was and I already had the ring and she seemed so sincere I have it months or proving and it seemed it wasn’t an issue and it did help I knew it couldn’t be physical being he was on the other side of the country still what she did was wrong ...I have been there for her since day one she was at rock bottom financially and mentally helped start her career. Then in the past weeks she was hiding her phone obv she was talking to him again and had him in her phone as a girls name ....made me sick she was face timing him while at work supporting us and paying off the ring saving for a wedding ... she said she wasn’t as attracted to me since I gained 10 of the 30 lbs I lost back ... idk I’m just a mess and now I feel guilty for getting a massage and happy ending which I’m not proud of I just didn’t wanna actually don’t with someone that mattered and didn’t wanna have sex

I’m 32 and she is 29

I know I hate that she has been talking to him for a month about moving from jersey with me back to Cali with him and she only knew him for a month !!!!! I just feel like I should tell her I got a massage and happy ending which I’m not proud of but I was feeling a way and didn’t wanna actually have Sex with someone she still says she wants me

But basically said she wants to see where they stand and I feel like I’m an option

Eastcoast80: She is definitely using you as an option and most importantly, she has already identified your extreme attachment and loyalty towards her.

 

Unfortunately, these days, such attributes can get exploited instead of being appreciated. Your story is a good example of exploitation.

 

First, stop feeling guilty. Does she feel guilty for how she is making you feel? Doesn't look like that.

I agree that you should have cut ties with her when you first discovered that she was still talking to this other guy. By staying together and on top of that, proposing, she obviously thinks she can do whatever she pleases and that you’ll stay because she continues to chat with him and contemplate giving him another shot.

 

Don’t you want to be someone’s first and only choice? Especially your fiancée’s?

 

She is treating you like an option and stringing you along.

 

The earlier you cut ties with her, the sooner you can start the healing process and move on. It will be difficult at first, since you still have feelings for her, but you will get over it and find someone better for you.

 

Staying in contact only prolongs the hurt, so why bother?

 

I say move on ASAP. You’ll be happy that you did.

she moved out about a week ago and has been playing with my head... even though we’re not together she still does question me if I am hooking up with people or anything like that

 

She has broken up your relationship because she wants to explore a different option. Or so she says.

 

You say you are "sitting here questioning if I should give her another chance". Sounds like you would, at that moment. Also sounds like she knows that you will take her back if she decides to come back.

 

You can't win her back by talking to her and persuading her to change her mind. And you won't encourage her to make that choice by giving her attention, you look weak and validate her actions.

 

She will only come back if she wants to. You can encourage the right conditions for that to happen. You do that by taking actions, now, to improve yourself, heal from the loss of this relationship, and move on.

 

It sounds counter-intuitive, but strength & resilience are attractive, and removing your attention from her is about the only way to get hers back.

 

This isn't going to happen over-night and you need to stick to the journey but here is what I think you should do:

 

Send her one last message. Tell her "This is not what I wanted, but I respect your decision to end our relationship. Our communications are going around in circles, so I'm stopping them. If you ever re-think things give me call. Good luck."

 

Then you need to go into strict no contact (initiated by you). No checking her social media. No talking to mutual friends about what she is doing. No transparent SM posts of your own that you think she might see. In fact you should block her from your social media. This lady has announced that she is taking a path in life that does not have you on it, right now. So disappear from her vision and let her experience the life she decided on.

 

Take the time now to work on yourself. Exercise. Work. Get on with your own projects. If she ever does come back, she sees an improved, more attractive you.

 

If she contacts you, you have to politely find out why she is doing that. If it is just more stringing along, end the communication.

 

Other than that, no contact from your side is FOREVER.

 

You also need to take this time to reflect on the relationship, and think about what other issues she might have had with you.

 

What did she want to discuss at counseling? Why do you need to go with her if its to discuss her confused thought processes?

 

This may sound a bit brutal, but I do not think her reference to your trust issues is the real reason she broke this off. It's just a convenient excuse.

 

Also, when she was with you, but talking to the other guy on the quiet, she was stringing him along.

 

As you go through the process and apply no contact, you need to get some perspective on all of this.

 

Perhaps in time you will decide that you may have dodged a bullet.

This doesn't have a future, OP.

 

She uses you as back-up when the other guy she really wants isn't working out. I know you say you love her a lot, but the feeling evidently isn't mutual. If she comes back, I can just about guarantee you that it won't have a happy ending.

 

You would be wise to peek around the corner of this relationship and see that train-wreck waiting for you in the distance if you choose that route.

I know it’s been twice now

First time I was able to get over but this is too much the fact we are engaged and she talked to him for a month behind my back , who knows what went down on. Face time 😔😔😔

It’s just so hard right now imagining life without her she is my best friend .

And still I feel the need to tell her about the massage and happy ending I got .

She dosen't care.

And still I feel the need to tell her about the massage and happy ending I got .

You have posted about your "happy ending" in every reply you have posted in your thread. Why is that? You say you feel guilty but going by your repetition, to me, its coming across as you being proud of it or at the very least, want attention from us about it.

 

Ray is right... she doesn't care and nor do we so why do you? You are broken up and if massages that entail a happy ending is your jam then so be it. You two are broken up so you can do what you like romantically or strictly sexually speaking.

 

As for your ex. She is very poor choice for a LIFE partner. Go zero contact which will help you to get over her. Then find a good woman... your ex is NOT a good woman.

Do you want to tell her so she gets jealous?

Do you want to tell her so she gets jealous?

 

That’s what I was thinking too, and to get revenge.

Honestly no guys I’m completely torn apart I just proposed to this girl and she turned my world upside down

I’m not looking for sympathy I’m honestly asking if I should feel bad for getting the massage etc after being lied to and taking advantage of

I didn’t wanna hook up with another girl where there were maybe feelings involved , I can’t think of another girl right now

Is she was in my life I would never be in the position to go to a massage parlor , IÂ’m very lost right now sheÂ’s been my world for a year and a half I was completely faithful physically and verbally

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, East, and that this has happened to you.

 

The best thing you can do right now is cut ties with her and move on (and don’t give her another chance!).

 

I know it’s easier said than done, but really, the longer you stay in communication with her, the longer you’ll hurt.

 

You have to make a clean cut and move on with your life.

 

In time, you will feel better, but you have to separate yourself from her.

 

And, there’s no need to tell her about the massage (because let’s be honest, you really only want to tell her in hopes of making her jealous and to get a reaction). Really, it’s pointless...

 

The massage happened, so I’d let it go and don’t dwell. Just move on from her. This is not a healthy relationship, and hoping to stay with someone who is considering exploring a relationship with someone else is a waste of your precious time, attention and energy.

I’m honestly asking if I should feel bad for getting the massage

 

No. You are a single man. You are entitled to act accordingly*.

 

[* I have no idea of whether this is a legal service in you locale. Maybe it is.]

 

Like I said, she doesn't care anymore - you two are not together.

I am not looking to make her jealous at all

I have extreme anxiety and am really letting the fact I got the massage etc get to me like I did something wrong while we are still talking about things ... I just don’t know anymore I’ve never felt this down and lonely , everything is confusing at this point

I don’t think she deserves another chance but I love her and can’t imagine not having her by my side ... why do good , loyal people always get hurt

It hasn't killed you. It makes you stronger.

Neither of you are ready to get married. What's the hurry? Do you live together? Decide who gets the dog and end things.

I am not looking to make her jealous at all

I have extreme anxiety and am really letting the fact I got the massage etc get to me like I did something wrong while we are still talking about things ... I just don’t know anymore I’ve never felt this down and lonely , everything is confusing at this point

I don’t think she deserves another chance but I love her and can’t imagine not having her by my side ... why do good , loyal people always get hurt

 

Why would you want someone by your side that was talking to another guy behind your back?

 

Why would you want someone by your side that’s telling you she was thinking of giving someone else a shot?

 

You can either continue doing what you’re doing now, which means living in agony, and waiting around and hoping that she chooses to be with you (and even if she did, look at what she did to you. She’ll probably do it again).

 

Or, you can let her go, move on, and find someone else.

 

And at this stage, as you mentioned in your original post, you two aren’t together now, so you can do whatever you want.

I appreciate all of the feedback and I still have no idea what to do my heart is saying give her another chance with my guard up and expecting nothin but then I feel like I’ll have to try and love her again and always have trust issues 😔just so sad this happens to good people and I regret the massage so much but I’m a very sexual person and didn’t wanna have sex so I chose to do something that had no meaning ... I just feel like if for some reason I get back with her do I honestly tell her I got a happy ending while we took a break ?and it’s not to make her jealous I’m just a honest person and have major anxiety and guilt