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Thread: Girlfriend having conversation with Random men - Concerned or not?

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend having conversation with Random men - Concerned or not?

    Hey All,


    So, my girl (28 years old) and I (32 years old) have been together for 1 year now. She is very respectful towards me in many ways and gives me good attention as well. If things don't work out in a certain area, I talk to her about my concerns, she usually listens to them and puts in the effort to keep me happy.

    Likewise, with time, any concerns she had with me, I worked on them and we have a good mutual respect.

    Now, about her guy friends.

    I personally don't believe in the concept of "platonic relationships" between guys and girls. I know that its a debatable topic and to each his own. I have had platonic relationships in the past and similarly I have known many such examples, in most of the cases, one of the person develops feelings for the other.

    In most cases, the girls would refer to these "guys" as her "friends" and "brothers" but not all these "guys" are there with friendly intentions either.

    Based on my past experiences, I was advised by others to keep it cool when she talks to other guys (in person or over the phone or on Internet, text chatting). I did the same. Initially, she would tell me that she had a video chat with some guy and talk a bit about the conversation she had. Or she would talk about conversation she had with some men who are married. This went on for a while and I never showed a sign of concern from my end. One of these "friends" of hers whom she always referred to as her "brother", he was a childhood friend of hers (according to her). I would often see him commenting on her social media posts.

    Then one day, when I and my girl had a quarrel, I could see his comments on her "social media site" saying: "is it all over? I always told you, you are correct, is it over?"And then she replied with sad emoticons.

    The timing was too much of a coincidence and I immediately contacted her about it and I asked her what is all this about? why is she discussing our problems with someone else? She gave an excuse that its not about me and some issue she dealt with in her workplace. To be honest, I found it hard to believe due to the timing but I trusted her. Although, I didn't understand why she did not discuss with me this issue and instead with this "friend."

    Guess what? 2 months later, at one night, this guy friend of her went crazy and started texting me really bad and threatening messages. He asked me to stay away from her and told me that he always had feelings for this girl and wants to be with her in a relation. He wrote a lot of stuff along these lines. I just went ahead and showed all these messages to my girl and said: "few messages from your "brother""

    She was very embarrassed about it and said she had no idea about his feelings for her and she cut him off from his life after this. She said she has stopped communicating with him altogether.


    Now, besides this, she would often bring up things during our conversations like: "Today I was at the supermarket, a guy commented on my clothes and appearance. His compliment was so cute and innocent", "Today I was about to fall down from the train and a guy held my hand and he saved my life"

    Without going through the complete list, on at least 10 to 12 occasions, she reminded me of the "Attention" and "compliments" she receives from others. In my personal opinion, its not in a girl's control who compliments her and who does not. But its in her control how she reacts to it.

    She always seemed flattered by these things and would describe me in great detail in a very cheerful way.

    She would tell me many times that I give her very good attention, I care for her a lot and she is very grateful to me for it.

    So, I continued overlooking all these "signs".

    She is extremely active on Instagram. Most of her photos there are decent however recently, she posted a selfie making a rather seducing facial expression. She loves writing long messages on her Instagram posts under her photo about philosophical and psychological aspects of life. Its almost always the guys commenting on her posts (Any surprises?)

    Then these guys contact her over direct messages to have "philosophical discussion" about life. She says she wants to help people who are facing depression and problems in life. So, she always writes on her Instagram page that she is open to any questions and discussions. Guess what? Only the guys contact her about their problems.

    She even went on to make a Telegram group to discuss about their life stuff.

    I have observed based on my experience that she does not read signals from men very well unless they are explicitly sexual. She thinks all these men who want to talk to her, compliment her or give attention are just innocent guys who just want to have "philosophical discussions" about life.

    In the past, with her childhood friend (who later tried to threaten me), this friend of her had sent her flowers. She said these flowers are just a sign of friendly attention. She even posted a photo of herself with this bouquet on Instagram.

    And yes, of course it was just friendly because later she had to herself cut off this man from her life when she got to know about his feelings (he had to explicitly mention it).


    This is exactly why I am not cool with the idea of platonic relationships. Enough of that "alpha" and "beta" bull.

    I trust her, I did not mention my concerns over her talking with guys. But the more I would be cool with it, the more she would do.

    I personally do feel that she is a bit addicted to social media (especially Instagram).

    Recently, I brought up my concerns to her and she said she has only 1 guy friend with whom she can only have friendship (because of some religious reasons) and she said there is no close communication with others.

    I want her to reduce her activity on social media. She can discuss with me about her philosophies and psychologies about life. Actually, we already do that. If she wants to help the people in need and depression, there are many volunteer organisations and jobs to do that. But going out helping random people on Internet and then always communicating with some random men, it does make me uncomfortable.

    She does not seem to read the signs very well. She even called a 22 year old guy who was being extra sweet and nice with her in the conversation as an "innocent child".

    I really feel that she views all of them as just "innocent" children but I don't like this stuff.

    What are your views on this?

    Note: I don't have any female friends. The only ones I would interact with are at my workplace which is rare because in my specific team, there are no girls. Of course, I had a few female friends and acquaintances when I was single but eventually I realized that platonic relationships were not working well. Some of these girls wanted more than just friendship. So, been more than 2 years now, no female friends. My girl is my best friend and lover. I have my group of male friends. And I don't feel the need to have female friends.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It sounds like you two have incompatible views when it came to friendship with the opposite sex and the use of social media. It's not a matter of who is right and who is wrong. The problem is that your views don't match. If you can't come up with a mutually agreed compromise, then it's probably best to break up.

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You say you trust her, but clearly you don't trust her. I think you can suggest that she cut out her male friends and her time on social media, but if she doesn't want to, you need to make a decision whether or not you feel she is choosing contact with male friends over you. You can't make her do anything, but you don't have to put up with it if you are unhappy.

    It does sound like the two of you are not a perfect fit.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I think your girlfriend is a bit delusional.

    For the most part, I think opposite sex friendships are fine, even while in relationships.

    However, your girlfriend’s need to tell you about every guy that compliments her, or that some guy grabbed her hand and “saved her life”... *eye roll*...that’s oversharing and she’s doing it intentionally. I would guess that she’s trying to get some sort of rise or jealousy out of you. Or worse, to make sure you know that others find her desirable. I don’t doubt for one second that she’s doing that KNOWINGLY, and passing it off as innocent.

    Additionally, she’s 28, she’s been through some life. Enough to know that random guys on the internet aren’t looking to talk philosophy (seriously!?). She likes the attention and wants to keep doing what she’s doing, and she clearly has you fooled, big time, with this whole innocent act. But it’s just that, an ACT. Girls are raised to be aware of predators, to be skeptical of men, especially online. She’s not clueless to their feelings, she just wants to pretend they don’t have feelings so she can justify allowing them to feed her ego. I promise you, she’s fully aware of the situation.

    At the end of the day, I agree with Clio. You can’t change your girlfriend, or impose rules upon her. But you can decide if you want to continue dating someone who behaves this way. (I would not recommend it. Her lack of ability to establish boundaries will be a bigger issue eventually).

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    While I do believe that men and women can be platonic friends (although I definitely think it helps when both people are in relationships with good boundaries), I definitely don't really like what she's doing. It sounds like she is communicating EXCLUSIVELY with men and really reveling in flirting and other attention from them. It doesn't sound like genuine, platonic friendship to me. I can tell you that I have a couple of platonic male long time (over several, several years) and they are either taken/dating other people and they wouldn't dream of complimenting me like that, nor would I do that to him. It just crosses a line - we have common interests and jokes/memes to share instead, much more interesting.

    I think she is getting attention from these guys and it's really filling a void in her and bolstering her esteem. You have tried to bring it up and she doesn't see the problem. Question is now, what do YOU want to do about this? You don't have to put up with this and if I were you, I wouldn't.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Part of the trials and joys of dating is learning to figure out whether someone is compatible with you. That is the main point of dating. It is not meant to force people to do as you say or coerce them into behaving the way you want. You're supposed to agree and disagree honestly and openly and figure out whether pursuing a relationship forwards is a good idea for the both of you. I was very sympathetic to your case until your fifth last paragraph from the bottom stating that you want her to reduce her activity on social media. That's not fair to her or you. She is free to do whatever she wants and so are you. She may find your opinions exceedingly dry or myopic (we don't know this). In other words, this relationship may be very unfulfilling to her but she just doesn't know how to work through those feelings when everything else might seem fine between the both of you.

    Her on social media as much as she is is just a litmus test for how dysfunctional the relationship between both of you is. It's not the other way around. The social media doesn't cause her to be distant from you. She's distant from you because of other reasons and the social media is just her way of living a happier, fulfilled life.

    I get your perspective on friendships of the opposite sex while in a relationship but insisting it's your way or the highway when you're only just dating isn't right to either of you. I don't think this woman is the right woman for you. I think trying to control her will backfire on you also. I'd be very cautious: tell her exactly how you feel and what your dealbreakers are (this seems like a dealbreaker already) and then part ways respectfully. I believe her if she says she gains some kind of fulfillment from speaking to other people on social media. That's her thing. Some people ride bikes, others go to the gym, others go to bingo night or take up dance classes. She uses social media. So what if the men like her a tad more than the women. That's just who she is. If she ever changes she should be the one to initiate that change, not you. If she doesn't want to listen to you I think you have your answer. Thank your lucky stars you are not married.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by indea08
    I think your girlfriend is a bit delusional.

    For the most part, I think opposite sex friendships are fine, even while in relationships.

    However, your girlfriend’s need to tell you about every guy that compliments her, or that some guy grabbed her hand and “saved her life”... *eye roll*...that’s oversharing and she’s doing it intentionally. I would guess that she’s trying to get some sort of rise or jealousy out of you. Or worse, to make sure you know that others find her desirable. I don’t doubt for one second that she’s doing that KNOWINGLY, and passing it off as innocent.

    Additionally, she’s 28, she’s been through some life. Enough to know that random guys on the internet aren’t looking to talk philosophy (seriously!?). She likes the attention and wants to keep doing what she’s doing, and she clearly has you fooled, big time, with this whole innocent act. But it’s just that, an ACT. Girls are raised to be aware of predators, to be skeptical of men, especially online. She’s not clueless to their feelings, she just wants to pretend they don’t have feelings so she can justify allowing them to feed her ego. I promise you, she’s fully aware of the situation.

    At the end of the day, I agree with Clio. You can’t change your girlfriend, or impose rules upon her. But you can decide if you want to continue dating someone who behaves this way. (I would not recommend it. Her lack of ability to establish boundaries will be a bigger issue eventually).
    @indea08: You just spoke my mind! And its amazing to hear this from a woman. I will be really honest here. In my past, due to my personal belief in no existence of platonic relationships, I did tell a girl I was dating that I was not cool with her hanging out with guys in cafes and parks. It didn't work out well and also she had "only guy friends". A month later, she was dating one of these "guy friends" whom she just referred to as her "friends."

    However, yes, I understand that it is possible in some scenarios that two people of opposite sex could just be friends.

    So, after my past experience (it was a short dating experience), I decided that in future, I will try to be as cool as possible about my girl talking to guys. I really tried my best in this scenario. As I highlighted, one of her male friends whom she referred to as her "brother", he sent her a bouquet of flowers. She said it was just a sign of friendly attention. 2 months later, this same man was threatening me and said he wanted to be with her. When she got to know this, she innocently mentioned "I never knew about his feelings".

    These are my main reasons to feel that she does not really understand whether men are interested in her or not. Of course, unless they explicitly start talking romantic and sexual stuff.

    A lot of men won't come across to a girl straight away with their intentions and will play nice.

    I want to be my best at trusting her. Its a pity that she makes me feel that I have "trust issues" although she is the one who is constantly introducing doubts.

    I also receive compliments from women about my attributes. But I respect my girl's feelings and so I don't talk about it in front of her. The main reason being, compliments from other girls don't matter to me so much that I will keep them in my mind and narrate them in great detail to my girlfriend.

    I'm interested to hear your views on this.

    Thanks.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    It sounds like you have been really understanding and tried to let her be who she is. The problem is you and I both know that these guys do not want to be friends, they want to bang your gf. I know there are all kinds of people that say otherwise but it guys know how guys think.

    This doesn't come down to trust, it comes down to respect for your relationship. Say she is totally innocent in all this (it would seem she isn't specifically trying to draw these guys in) and she has all kinds of guys hitting on her, flirting with her and trying to subtly get with her. How she handles it shows her respect for your relationship and you. Simply saying "oh they are just friends" "he is just being friendly" is naïve at best or a smoke screen at worst.

    It is clear she likes all the male attention and goes out of her way to tell you about it. What is she getting out of telling you these things in such great detail?

    Trying to control her is wrong, telling her what she can and cannot do is wrong. Talking to her about why you think it is disrespectful to OUR relationship is the best thing you can do. Make sure she knows that although she may be innocent the motives and communication of these men are hurting the relationship.

    If everyone were to be brutally honest nobody would be okay with their SO doing what your is. Either that aren't being honest with themselves or they don't care for them as much as they believe.

    Talk to her again and if she takes off her rose colored glasses and sees these guys intentions for what they really are she will take care of it on her own. If not you either live with it or you break up with her. Just don't give an ultimatum, she needs to do it because she feels it is the right thing to do.

    You are in a tough spot, I wish you well.

    Lost

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    It floors me, BTW, that at the age of 28, she would take a bouquet of flowers from a male friend as a "nice friendly gesture". If she were 18, I'd believe that she truly believes but at 28? Oh please.

    She's either 1) lying to herself or rationalizing because she loves the attention or 2) she's really, really, really stupid.

    Neither option looks good on her.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I second Clio on this really boiling down to compatibility.

    Look, you've spent a year pretending to be cool with things you're just not cool with. There's a lesson there: know yourself, be yourself, and own yourself, so you can invest in people who allow you to be you, and vise versa. That's what dating is, the little dance to see if we can exhale and be genuine around another in order to get into a relationship.

    You sort of did the opposite—inhaling and holding your breath, and now you're very, very dizzy. In not being your true self—in pretending to be the cool bf who likes to hear about her interactions with men—you helped build a dynamic in which that was all okay. You're making it sound like this is some "issue" she has, but why would she think of it as an issue if in 365 days you've never brought it up except in the case where the dude jumped the shark?

    I don't mean that to point a finger at you, as I find her behavior to be, as the kid's say, pretty basic. Faux social media influencer stuff, attention junkie, the who-me-what flutter of the eyelashes—yawn. I've dated versions of her, pretty recently—not my thing, couldn't exhale, and so I cut bait. But no judgment, just not my jam. Maybe a woman wouldn't like the fact that I spend a lot of time on this site talking to strangers—not her jam. All good. Just means we're probably not going to work.

    Anyhow, I guess you can try to have the talk, now, that you probably should have had after a month—the one where you calmly and respectfully explain where you're uncomfortable. But it may very well backfire at this stage. Partly because I suspect you lost your calm on this front a good while back, and partly because I think one of the things that works for her in your relationship is that you're cool with this side of her.

    The real talk to have, I think, is with yourself. I mean, do you even want to be with someone with whom you have to have these talks? To me it sounds like playing in a sandbox.

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