I feel like the 3rd wheel when it comes to his ex.

Hello everyone. I am new to this but i have a huge thing going on in my life. About 5 years ago i met this sweet good looking man. The monent i saw him for the first time, i was froze dead in my tracks. His smile was beautiful and he made ny heart race. I uave never felt like that before. Thats the moment i knew i wanted this guy for the rest of my life. We moved in with eacother in aug of 2015 and been together since. There is one problem tho. He has a very close relationship with his ex and her family. Something happened about 2 months ago and i lost my job and home over him getting jail time. Th whole time he was in jail, i stood by him. Never missed a call. He wpuld say how much he loves me and how much he wants to marry me. Then it all changed. I cant get him to say i love you. I feel like my heart is being ripped out. He said he is over her. They have kids and i understand. But he texts her all the time. I have tried asking him if i am making a fool out of myself for holding on. He said no. So why do i feel this way. I am not giving up 5 years for anyone. I have anxiety all the time cuz i am so upset. I am tired of being the 3rd wheel.

The biggest question I have was: Why was he in jail?

The biggest question I have was: Why was he in jail?

Yes, this seems a bigger problem than his ex. How long was he in jail? Just 2 months?

And how exactly are we supposed to answer that?

How did you lose your home because he went to jail?

There is no reason that he should be in touch with her all the time. He still loves her and prioritizes her over you, and your relationship. Have you seen the messages? His actions are clear.

You know all of this. It is time to move on from this relationship.

Why was he in jail? How many times has he been arrested?

There is no reason that he should be in touch with her all the time.

 

Why was he in jail?

There is a reason to be in touch with her all the time- she says that he and his ex have kids together. Don't get with someone who has kids if you can't handle that. They will be co-parents for the rest of their lives.

But, I agree- why was he in jail???

You've invested a lot in this man, and I understand now wanting to "lose out", but it sounds like the relationship has run its course.

Think of it like gambling at the casino. For the first few years you broke even or were even up from your starting point. Then, you started to lose money (he started treating you poorly and ended up in jail for some unnamed reason). Does it really benefit you to keep playing a losing hand? Nope! You're just going to walk away completely empty-handed (he is likely going to end the relationship himself or continue to use you). I get the desire to cling to your "investment" but the truth is that he doesn't owe you anything.

Stop competing with his ex. You said it's making you anxious and tired, which is not surprising. Time to let go and find someone who will go all in on you.

Has he given you any reason to distrust him? Do you know anything about what's happening with his children or if there are any issues with his ex-wife and custody of the kids? There's really not much to go on in your post but if you are feeling alienated and neglected or taken forgranted, I'd strongly suggest you speak with him and uncover what's going on. There is no point in speculating what's happening. Go from there and use your gut instincts.

Run. His criminal history is affecting you if you lost your home because of his conviction. So leave this charmer behind and find someone else

There is a reason to be in touch with her all the time- she says that he and his ex have kids together. Don't get with someone who has kids if you can't handle that. They will be co-parents for the rest of their lives.

 

But, I agree- why was he in jail???

I agree there needs to be contact, but you do not need to be in touch with someone all the time.

OP, what do you mean by"all the time?"

So let me get this straight.

Because of his jail term, you lost your job and your home.

And he is texting his ex all the time?

Maybe it's just me, but that doesn't sound like a satisfying relationship. Sounds like you are at the start of a long train of resentment build up...until you can't take it anymore.

This sounds like a turning point to walking away, so more of your life doesn't get ruined by him.

Where are you living now? How did his arrest affect your job? Were you both involved in this event? Unfortunately he sounds like the typical inmate who has a bunch of women he woes and makes promises to in order to get what he needs while in prison as well as after. Focus on getting your financial, legal and career problems in order. Do not focus on him or his contact with his kids' mother.

Something happened about 2 months ago and i lost my job and home over him getting jail time. He wpuld say how much he loves me and how much he wants to marry me. They have kids

Yeah you are wasting your time and your life. It'd be really nice if you'd tell us why he's in jail.

Why gloss over the fact that he went to jail? You might think it doesn't matter but of course it does... it speaks to his character, his integrity, and whether or not he is trustworthy.

When you wonder whether he is telling you the truth, look at the big picture of who he is as a person not just what you want to see.

You've invested a lot in this man, and I understand now wanting to "lose out", but it sounds like the relationship has run its course.

 

Think of it like gambling at the casino. For the first few years you broke even or were even up from your starting point. Then, you started to lose money (he started treating you poorly and ended up in jail for some unnamed reason). Does it really benefit you to keep playing a losing hand? Nope! You're just going to walk away completely empty-handed (he is likely going to end the relationship himself or continue to use you). I get the desire to cling to your "investment" but the truth is that he doesn't owe you anything.

 

Stop competing with his ex. You said it's making you anxious and tired, which is not surprising. Time to let go and find someone who will go all in on you.

Wow! This is by far one of the best analogies I've seen when it comes to relationships. You are right! We are always stuck on the "investment" we made that we fail to realize that by continuing on in the relationship we in fact go into overdraft with our spiritual and emotional well being. This is what causes diseases and illness, depression and so on. Why thank you for this. lol

To the OP, please reconsider all options, him having children with her does NOT mean they should be in constant contact, it's an excuse. Always follow your gut. I have a rule of thumb, if you must go on a forum and ask a plethora of strangers about your situation, it is 99.999999 % of the time you already know the answer, and your intuition is leading you here. You already know what to do. 5 years to throw away is better than 10.

But he texts her all the time.

Anyway: Five years ago you say you met him and moved in together in 2015 so you barely knew him when you started living together. Now you've found yourself jobless because of he was in jail and you are unhappy because he is still very much involved with his ex and he's not willing to give that involvement up.

I'm not sure what advice anyone could give you that would rectify any of it. What would you like to see happen? What compromise can you come up with that would make you feel less angst?

With all due respect to the OP, this is the kind of experience which should be shown to all those people who say "Be cool and let your significant other communicate with people of opposite sex as much as they want, especially their Ex". Of course, people have different views on platonic relationships, but communicating with Ex, oh please! That is like playing with fire.

I do feel bad for you. You have been faithful to him and supported him all through. But you can't expect much from a person who continues to communicate with their Ex even after starting a new relationship.

If your partner respected you, the first thing he would have done is stopped his involvement with his Ex. Its as simple as that.

With all due respect to the OP, this is the kind of experience which should be shown to all those people who say "Be cool and let your significant other communicate with people of opposite sex as much as they want, especially their Ex". Of course, people have different views on platonic relationships, but communicating with Ex, oh please! That is like playing with fire.

 

I do feel bad for you. You have been faithful to him and supported him all through. But you can't expect much from a person who continues to communicate with their Ex even after starting a new relationship.

 

If your partner respected you, the first thing he would have done is stopped his involvement with his Ex. Its as simple as that.

The Op's boyfriend has children with his ex. He will be in contact with her for the rest of his life because of that. Although I see no reason to continue in constant contact with her but he does need to communicate regarding the children.

The Op's boyfriend has children with his ex. He will be in contact with her for the rest of his life because of that. Although I see no reason to continue in constant contact with her but he does need to communicate regarding the children.

I understand that.

I am speaking in reference to the following 2 points mentioned by the OP:

"There is one problem tho. He has a very close relationship with his ex and her family."

"But he texts her all the time."

That does not sound like a communication between her significant other and his Ex only related to their children. Or maybe he is indeed contacting her only regarding the children and she interprets it like a "very close relationship". It doesn't sound right to me.

I understand that.

 

I am speaking in reference to the following 2 points mentioned by the OP:

 

"There is one problem tho. He has a very close relationship with his ex and her family."

 

"But he texts her all the time."

 

That does not sound like a communication between her significant other and his Ex only related to their children. Or maybe he is indeed contacting her only regarding the children and she interprets it like a "very close relationship". It doesn't sound right to me.

I was responding to your point when you said:

this is the kind of experience which should be shown to all those people who say "Be cool and let your significant other communicate with people of opposite sex as much as they want, especially their Ex".