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Thread: Facebook Messages

  1. #1
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    Facebook Messages

    Should I be worried that my husband is sending private messages on Facebook to another woman? Sorry but I will admit that I checked my husband's Facebook messages a few months ago. I know I shouldn't have. But I found messages from where he was is a relationship with a woman before I meet him. But he never told me that they was in a relationship. They have been friends since high school. They lived in different states so the relationship was just talk. From what I can tell she just stopped talking to him. But after we got together and was engaged to be married she started messaging him again. Now from what I read he never said anything inappropriate to her since we been together. But she did tell him that he was the one that got away. Now we got married last year but what I didn't know was that our wedding was on her birthday. She message him on our wedding day to tell him that. So here is where I have a problem. This year on our anniversary he sent her a private message telling her happy birthday. But I feel that if he only thinks of her as a friend then he should have posted it on her Facebook and not in private. Am I reading to much into this or should I be worried?

    Thanks for the help,
    Worried Wife

  2. #2
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    I think what he is doing is fine - he's not crossing boundaries. You can't control what she does. I think it's fine for him to be in touch with her as long as she is supportive of your marriage. But, she isn't so, even though he is behaving appropriately I would find it disrespectful if my husband was in that kind of contact with a woman who had designs on him and was trying to interfere in our marriage.

    I have an ex who used to message me on Linkedin every few months for about a year or so (haven't heard from him in several months now). I sensed that he might be trying to feel things out so every time I responded I either mentioned my husband (in a positive way of course!) and inquired about his wife (who is not well unfortunately). I made sure to signal clearly that our interactions could not go down any inappropriate path. And he respected that which told me he respected my marriage even if he was tempted to get flirty. That's my standard. Decide what yours is!

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think you should be worried about the lack of communication between the two of you. The facebook messages are probably nothing, but why are you afraid to ask him about them? How is it that you have access to his facebook account?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    He never said to her anything inappropriate. The situation is not ideal but you snooping doesn't look good either. Why did you feel the need to snoop? Has he given you any other reasons to worry? Imo, you are reading too much into this. Speaking to an ex is not ideal but it doesn't sound like he has been unfaithful.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Yikes. Too early for a drink myself but grabbed a bottle just to pour one out for your husband just now.

    Are you seriously going through years of their correspondences, dating back to before you two even knew each other? And no, he doesn't have to write on her Facebook wall to wish her a happy birthday. If they're legit friends dating way back to high school, he's allowed to extend the courtesy of a Facebook PM. If this is really what gets your jimmies rustled and your trust shaken, you've got worse problems in your marriage than an out-of-state high school friend of his.

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    A little more insight to help you understand. He has told me that he ex wife had a problem with this lady sending him inappropriate messages while he was married to his ex wife. But that he never replied and always told her about them. But he never told me that him and this woman was in a relationship after his divorce. So that is why I'm worried.

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    He was sign into Facebook on my phone and never logged out.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So what you're saying, in a way, is that your husband was forthcoming about issues in his last marriage, which to you means you're allowed to spy on him to make sure those issues aren't playing out in your marriage with him?

    I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm just a firm believer that snooping is about as corrosive as it gets. It's giving in to insecurity and distrust rather than taking steps to build security and trust, and as such sows the seeds to a toxic dynamic. I'm not sure I've ever known someone who says, "We were in a rough spot, but then I went through years of his/her private messages and from there we got really close again." You know?

    Seems to me that what you learned through spying is that your husband exchanges the occasional note with an old friend he had a brief thing with. That he has never been inappropriate with her. End scene.

    As for the private HBD note vs expressing it publicly on the wall—I'm sorry, but I think that's you looking for something to validate the snooping. You sound more eager to make this woman a problem than the non-issue she appears to be.

    The actual issue, meanwhile? Sounds like you are not feeling very secure in your marriage and are not married to someone you feel comfortable communicating with. Where that started and what's behind that, I don't know. But I think that's where your focus should be right now.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Heatwave
    A little more insight to help you understand. He has told me that he ex wife had a problem with this lady sending him inappropriate messages while he was married to his ex wife. But that he never replied and always told her about them. But he never told me that him and this woman was in a relationship after his divorce. So that is why I'm worried.
    In what you've written, I see a major flaw in his character. In his previous marriage, he didn't reply to the inappropriate messages and yet didn't block her as a contact. A person with ethics who values his marriage and keeps healthy boundaries would have deleted her from his life. He kept that connection because the ego boost or excitement of it was more valuable to him than the integrity of his marriage. What was the reason his marriage broke up?

    What can you do at this point? Discuss relationship boundaries with him now and see if you two can come to a consensus. This would include deleting contacts from someone outside of the marriage who makes it clear they have a crush on either of you. You'll have to explain the consequences of what will happen when boundaries are broken and stick to them. People usually respect a partner who has standards and doesn't act like a doormat.

    Secrets have a way of coming out, usually so you can wake up and decide what to do about the problem.

  11. #10
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Turning over a rock often reveals worms.
    Snooping on FB and phones seems to be a common theme these days, and this curiosity often is a slippery slope.

    We all have friends from the past we stay in touch with including some exes. All comes down to trust you have in your partner.
    The key is whether or not we discover innocent friendly exchanges, planning to meet secretly with cover ups and lies, or full blown affairs through this snooping.

    I make it a rule not to check up on my partners personal stuff. It's none of my business.

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