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Thread: Facebook Messages

  1. #61
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    If an open honest discussion does not change the way you are treated it is time to leave. No amount of you acting CRAZY and laying down the law is going to change a person, only make them better at hiding it. They will see you as crazy. They will keep secrets because they are afraid of evoking the crazy. They will harbor resentment. Etc. Etc.

    They need to understand what they are doing, how you feel, and how their actions affect the relationship. They also get to give feedback on their problems.
    This is only achieved through open honest discussion with both parties. You think having a "real talk" is just the thing of a TV sitcom?

    Want to know what you get with crazy? A temporary band-aid where you think everything is OK, but the issues were not solved...only covered up. If this is how you treat relationships, I assure you they are a ticking time bomb or at the very least a toxic never-ending dynamic.
    ^^^100% agree!!!!

  2. #62
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm not sure what the problem is recognizing that this situation is wrong on many levels. When two people are married it suggests a commitment of some sort that should go beyond the bond of other relationships. I feel the need to explicitly describe that bond and the meaning of marriage and commitment here because I'm not sure if we're giving it the time of day.

    Second, as Andrina pointed out, this same female friend has been a recurring theme throughout his previous marriage as well but yet her advances or solicitations were unwanted and ignored. If he expressed distaste or reluctance in communicating with her prior, why is he communicating with her now? This is a major inconsistency in his behaviour and a red flag. (see OP's post #6, page 1).

    I really couldn't care less whether a couple is married or living together or long distance when it comes down to the bare bones. When there is any third party relationship of the opposite sex there should be questions and answers enough to satisfy both sides. The OP is NOT satisfied by any of the answers her husband gives her and she's had to find out about the messages on her own while dealing with her own shock that it's going on right under her nose. More specifically in the OP's first post, the woman even told him he was the "one that got away"! This is reminiscent of an old crush that is completely inappropriate considering he's not only been married once and she's been a problem in the FIRST marriage, but she's now a problem a second time in the SECOND marriage.

    I think it's up to her husband to draw better boundaries and it's up to the OP to call a spade a spade and not be afraid of addressing issues of trust in the marriage. It may be that he's feeling unfulfilled in the marriage entirely and the OP and her husband might benefit from marriage or couples' counselling. None of the above is healthy and to me, there are a lot of red flags and signs that the marriage is on rocky ground.
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    My distinction (from experience and from observing how people behave over time) is that this is not a usual friendship and therefore cannot be likened to a male friend. That's where there's a complete difference in the way we approach this issue, Katrina. I'm strongly liberal in many of my views especially when it comes to rights and liberties in a relationship and an individual's self-expression. I totally believe in full autonomy even as a married individual. Where I draw the line is when others are affected by the indiscretions and bad choices by the people closest to them and trust becomes an issue because that trust is betrayed. I definitely would not be messaging a married man that he was the one that got away in private. And neither would a straight male friend be messaging the OP's husband that he was the one that got away.

    Judging from his inconsistent behaviour and the way he has inconsistently treated this particular "friend" (comparing his relationship with her in his first marriage and his second marriage), he's already suspect and I mentioned twice that this is a red flag. Andrina also mentioned it. This would be the third time I'm repeating myself but I see that some don't see the same red flags that I do. You're welcome to your opinions of course but I'm more of the mind that this way of thinking is far too naive. I don't think it's about liberal versus conservative. It's about seeing the writing blazing on the wall. Even so, I definitely respect your thoughts because it gives food for thought and I'm happy to explore the issue.

    I'm also aware that our own perceptions of what's acceptable within or without a marriage depends on the way a person conducts his or her own life. When I think about my husband I would never betray his trust maintaining a friendship with a male highschool friend, messaging private messages regardless of whose birthday it is knowing that this same friendship caused issues in my previous marriage, and most appalling of all, telling that friend he was the one that got away. This would be absurd and completely inappropriate.

    In general I don't think friends of the opposite sex are immoral or wrong. It's the context in this case that makes it so unbelievably wrong.
    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I don't think you're crazy. If I were in his shoes, I would stop talking to this woman the minute she told me that I was the one who got away. That's a lot of meaningless flattery. Why say something like that unless you're trying to ingratiate yourself to another person? And why say something like that when you know the recipient is in a committed relationship with someone else?

    Also, I'm not interested to hear that your birthday is on my anniversary because my anniversary is not about you. It's about me, my partner, and our relationship.

    It seems pretty obvious to me where she was going with all of that, and I wouldn't entertain it. just can't stand manipulative people. But that's just me.
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You're his wife. Start acting like it. I think you're too afraid and debilitated by your fears of how you appear to other people and instead of getting things done and being assertive or speaking your mind as you ought to do, you're making excuses for your own poor behaviour. You SHOULD be speaking with him directly about what bothers you.
    Man. I canít believe I missed this nugget, I agree with the quotes but especially the last part. Snooping is wrong we all know that, but letís call a spade a spade you are so busy trying to play the cool calm I have no anxiety in relationships because Iím hyper secure game and the only person who gets hurt by all that is you.

    She isnít the problem.

    He is.

    He values keeping her as an option and ego boost over having a strong marriage with you.

    The fact that he even told you? RED FLAG CITY!!!Who talks about an ex thatís is a non issue to this level? Him telling you that was SO not about honesty it was to put you on notice, he wanted you to know, heís getting something out of this, no question.

    Who tells their spouse a woman interfered with their marriage? Talk about drama!!! I mean yeah we all talk about exes but to this level? Noooooo red flags!!!

    Iím sorry OPer, all of this is not good in my opinion at all. But I only got to page 4 Iíll edit if I need after reading the rest
    Last edited by figureitout23; 05-11-2019 at 01:17 PM.

  3. #63
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Ok read the rest.

    She told your husband to think of her on your anniversary since itís her birthday and he did, not only did he but he messaged her. not on her page but privately. Like.... come on...

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