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Thread: Facebook Messages

  1. #41
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So, I agree with what Katrina is saying. To me all that is kind of the goal state, and it's the state I personally try to operate in. But at the moment I think it's a state very far from the reality of your situation, and not something you can manifest on your own.

    You say you don't want to be the "crazy wife," which is totally understandable. None of us want to be the "crazy" one, all of us want to be the "cool" one. Well, scratch that. What we really want is to genuinely be cool, not act cool. Because acting cool? Well, it's a form of crazy.

    Right now I get the feeling that you're acting "cool," with him, while being a little "crazy" on the edges. When that dynamic started only you can say. But you're looking through his messages, posting on here, spinning around in your head and heart—those are just facts. You are also for some reason scared to talk to your husband about your feelings—another fact.

    These, right now, are the facts that need to be addressed. They need to be replaced with new facts—facts you build on your own and, most importantly, together.

    I admit I'm still struggling to understand your dynamic a bit. You're saying your husband knows you've seen these messages, knows you looked through his phone, but somehow none of this was actually talked about? What does that mean? The he grunted twice and you swallowed down your discomfort, and then came here to post? No judgment, just curious.

    Basically what I think you need right now—to eventually access that genuinely cool and confident place, in yourself and in your marriage—is to address what's up here.

    Something like: "Hey, hubby? So I'm not proud that I looked through those messages, but I can't shake what I saw. I am all for both of us having friendships outside the marriage, but her intentions do not strike me as solely friendly. It feels like energy that doesn't serve our marriage, since it makes trust harder to build..."

    Or some such. Guess my point is that while (to my mind) I think he's shutting it down, if you're still in the spins it's 100 percent okay to ask for harder boundaries. This isn't about policing your husband or asking him to never talk to women. It's about finding comfort in knowing that he is seeing and hearting you first, and that together you're building a sanctum in which you can both be happy, safe, secure.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Heatwave
    My husband knows that I seen the messages. The message from her was. I'm sorry that you are getting married today. You will always have a place in my heart as you was the one that got away. You can always think of me on your anniversary because it's my birthday. His reply was oh I didn't know it was your birthday so happy birthday.
    Ok, THIS changes things. She wants him to think of her on YOUR anniversary, every year? That's the straw that broke the camel's back. And saying "i'm sorry you're getting married today" instead of being a good sport and saying congratulations? Ugh I'm so mad for you, OP.

    I'm glad that your husband didn't address the wacko stuff she said, so in that respect he is not encouraging it BUT imo, he could just not talk to her anymore. Because it seems to me that she is trying to take advantage of the minimal contact she does have with him.

    To me this kind of thing (people/exes hitting on your partner) and what you do about it depends on the situation. If it was my ex-boyfriend some woman was saying this to, I'd be completely uncomfortable with it. If it was my current husband however, I'd wish her luck because I know she wouldn't get anywhere with him. Now with that said, in any situation if any woman was relentless and flat-out disrespectful to my marriage that way, I would want to shut it down for good.

    Some formerly-intimate partners can become platonic friends. She isn't one of them. I don't blame you for being uncomfortable. You don't want to be one of "those" crazy jealous women but you also don't want to be miserable like this and uncomfortable because of something someone ELSE is doing. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. If people want to slap a label on you, let them. There are more important things. Simply put, you cannot internalize this forever. You are allowed to have feelings. Communicate. Have a heart-to-heart. Hope it goes well.

  3. #43
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    Agree w blue, you're not 'there' yet, which is ok.

    My bf and I have worked thru some tough times, some of which have been posted on this forum.

    We almost broke up a couple of times!

    But we talked the issues out and ultimately resolved, which has brought us closer and deepened our connection, intimacy and trust.

    Where we stand now?

    We trust that each of us will behave with honesty and integrity and in a manner respectful to our relationship and each other.

    Which is why I personally would be able to let the bday message go.

    I trust him, which is also why I don't go snooping.

    Your husband has ignored her messages, which may be the most powerful message you can send someone -- it means go away.

    More so than even telling her imo. Responding back only keeps the drama going, and lets her know it's an issue.

    Which is precisely what she wants! So best to ignore altogether, again jmo. Sends a bigger message, indifference to it.

    If you want you can bring up why he sent her a bday message in a non-accusatory, respectful way.

    I would not, but my bf and I are at a different emotional place than you and your husband.

    Best of luck whatever you decide!

    And keep us updated!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-01-2019 at 01:06 PM.

  4. #44
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    I would not be ok with him responding other than "please do not contact me again." Or ignoring. By wishing her happy birthday he implicitly validated what she wrote which was obnoxious.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by Heatwave
    My husband knows that I seen the messages. The message from her was. I'm sorry that you are getting married today.

    You will always have a place in my heart as you was the one that got away. You can always think of me on your anniversary because it's my birthday.

    His reply was oh I didn't know it was your birthday so happy birthday.
    Agree Bat, he could have ignored it^ as he had the others, but his response was quite cold and indifferent nonetheless; if I had poured my heart out like that to a man and received that response back, I would be like "ouch ok, message received, thanks for the bday greeting bye."

    I would not have sent that message back but that's how I would have interpreted it.

    I think his message was quite clear, indifference to her confession of feelings, go away, without resorting to asking her to stop contacting, which he has no control over anyway; he can only control himself and how he chooses to respond, or not respond, as he had been doing.

    But sure agree he could have ignored and given his wife's reaction, in retrospect probably wished he had, as he had done with her other messages.

    In any event, all these different perspectives and interpretations are so interesting!

    I suppose in the end we all do what's best for us and what we believe is best for our relationships.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-01-2019 at 02:49 PM.

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Agree Bat, he could have ignored it^ as he had the others, but his response was quite cold and indifferent nonetheless; if I had poured my heart out like that to a man and received that response back, I would be like "ouch ok, message received, thanks for the bday greeting bye."

    I would not have sent that message back but that's how I would have interpreted it.

    I think his message was quite clear, go away, without resorting to asking her to stop contacting, which he has no control over anyway; he can only control himself and how he chooses to respond, or not respond, as he had been doing.

    But sure agree he could have ignored and given his wife's reaction, in retrospect probably wished he had, as he had done with her other messages.

    In any event, all these different perspectives and interpretations are so interesting!

    I suppose in the end we all do what's best for us and what we believe is best for our relationships.
    I totally see your point and in this situation since she is so over the top she'd probably see it in a positive light. What a vacuous piece of lint.

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by Batya33

    What a vacuous piece of lint.
    Lol, agree!

    My bf is a professional photographer, you would not believe the crap some of his female models have pullled when they see us together which has happened on occasion.

    He handles it like the pro he is without offending, which is actually funny to watch.

    I've become immune to it all now. :)
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-01-2019 at 03:08 PM.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    As far as I understand things, the "it's by bday/sorry you're getting married/you're the one that got away" message occurred a year or so ago, when they got married.

    This year, on their anniversary, I'm under the impression that he sent her the message wishing her a happy birthday. That he took some initiative, in short.

    If that's the case—well, I'd be bothered in OP's shoes. Not freaking out, but bothered, since he threw a little bone toward someone who he's aware has a tendency to bite back in ways that aren't genuinely friendly or respectful to his current situation. He kind of kept the door ajar for energy that really doesn't serve much good inside his marriage.

    I'm not sounding major alarm bells here—hardly, as I think he's probably just being a little clumsy in balancing his new marriage with an old connection—but this is where I do agree with the sort of boundaries someone like Rose is writing about. It's also the stuff that should be pretty easy to talk about inside a marriage, rather than let fester.

  10. #49
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    Blue's post, I'm confused about the timing and sequence of events now, OP can you return and clarify please?

    Anyway, to blue you would not have even known about the message since you don't snoop, right?

    The snooping issue seems to have fallen by the wayside, which to me is the main issue -- she does not trust him.

    And I think that needs to be addressed in a healthy way and resolved otherwise, your distrust and insecurities will poison your marriage, possibly destroying it.

    This bday msg is but a symptom of the much larger disease -- lack of faith and trust in your husband.

    Jmo
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-01-2019 at 03:22 PM.

  11. #50
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    She can't come between you if you're 'not worried about your husband'.
    This!

    You are placing far too much energy in someone (her) who isn't worth it. By focusing on her shenanigans, you are making her more important than she actually is. In the big scheme of things - you and your husband matter, your marriage matters. She doesn't. At best, she's one of those many acquaintances that you are connected with on social media. As long as your husband isn't pursuing her, she shouldn't even be conversation material.
    Last edited by greendots; 05-01-2019 at 04:14 PM.

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