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Should I be worried that my husband is sending private messages on Facebook to another woman? Sorry but I will admit that I checked my husband's Facebook messages a few months ago. I know I shouldn't have. But I found messages from where he was is a relationship with a woman before I meet him. But he never told me that they was in a relationship. They have been friends since high school. They lived in different states so the relationship was just talk. From what I can tell she just stopped talking to him. But after we got together and was engaged to be married she started messaging him again. Now from what I read he never said anything inappropriate to her since we been together. But she did tell him that he was the one that got away. Now we got married last year but what I didn't know was that our wedding was on her birthday. She message him on our wedding day to tell him that. So here is where I have a problem. This year on our anniversary he sent her a private message telling her happy birthday. But I feel that if he only thinks of her as a friend then he should have posted it on her Facebook and not in private. Am I reading to much into this or should I be worried?

 

Thanks for the help,

Worried Wife

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I think what he is doing is fine - he's not crossing boundaries. You can't control what she does. I think it's fine for him to be in touch with her as long as she is supportive of your marriage. But, she isn't so, even though he is behaving appropriately I would find it disrespectful if my husband was in that kind of contact with a woman who had designs on him and was trying to interfere in our marriage.

 

I have an ex who used to message me on Linkedin every few months for about a year or so (haven't heard from him in several months now). I sensed that he might be trying to feel things out so every time I responded I either mentioned my husband (in a positive way of course!) and inquired about his wife (who is not well unfortunately). I made sure to signal clearly that our interactions could not go down any inappropriate path. And he respected that which told me he respected my marriage even if he was tempted to get flirty. That's my standard. Decide what yours is!

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He never said to her anything inappropriate. The situation is not ideal but you snooping doesn't look good either. Why did you feel the need to snoop? Has he given you any other reasons to worry? Imo, you are reading too much into this. Speaking to an ex is not ideal but it doesn't sound like he has been unfaithful.

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Yikes. Too early for a drink myself but grabbed a bottle just to pour one out for your husband just now.

 

Are you seriously going through years of their correspondences, dating back to before you two even knew each other? And no, he doesn't have to write on her Facebook wall to wish her a happy birthday. If they're legit friends dating way back to high school, he's allowed to extend the courtesy of a Facebook PM. If this is really what gets your jimmies rustled and your trust shaken, you've got worse problems in your marriage than an out-of-state high school friend of his.

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A little more insight to help you understand. He has told me that he ex wife had a problem with this lady sending him inappropriate messages while he was married to his ex wife. But that he never replied and always told her about them. But he never told me that him and this woman was in a relationship after his divorce. So that is why I'm worried.

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So what you're saying, in a way, is that your husband was forthcoming about issues in his last marriage, which to you means you're allowed to spy on him to make sure those issues aren't playing out in your marriage with him?

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm just a firm believer that snooping is about as corrosive as it gets. It's giving in to insecurity and distrust rather than taking steps to build security and trust, and as such sows the seeds to a toxic dynamic. I'm not sure I've ever known someone who says, "We were in a rough spot, but then I went through years of his/her private messages and from there we got really close again." You know?

 

Seems to me that what you learned through spying is that your husband exchanges the occasional note with an old friend he had a brief thing with. That he has never been inappropriate with her. End scene.

 

As for the private HBD note vs expressing it publicly on the wall—I'm sorry, but I think that's you looking for something to validate the snooping. You sound more eager to make this woman a problem than the non-issue she appears to be.

 

The actual issue, meanwhile? Sounds like you are not feeling very secure in your marriage and are not married to someone you feel comfortable communicating with. Where that started and what's behind that, I don't know. But I think that's where your focus should be right now.

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A little more insight to help you understand. He has told me that he ex wife had a problem with this lady sending him inappropriate messages while he was married to his ex wife. But that he never replied and always told her about them. But he never told me that him and this woman was in a relationship after his divorce. So that is why I'm worried.

 

In what you've written, I see a major flaw in his character. In his previous marriage, he didn't reply to the inappropriate messages and yet didn't block her as a contact. A person with ethics who values his marriage and keeps healthy boundaries would have deleted her from his life. He kept that connection because the ego boost or excitement of it was more valuable to him than the integrity of his marriage. What was the reason his marriage broke up?

 

What can you do at this point? Discuss relationship boundaries with him now and see if you two can come to a consensus. This would include deleting contacts from someone outside of the marriage who makes it clear they have a crush on either of you. You'll have to explain the consequences of what will happen when boundaries are broken and stick to them. People usually respect a partner who has standards and doesn't act like a doormat.

 

Secrets have a way of coming out, usually so you can wake up and decide what to do about the problem.

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Turning over a rock often reveals worms.

Snooping on FB and phones seems to be a common theme these days, and this curiosity often is a slippery slope.

 

We all have friends from the past we stay in touch with including some exes. All comes down to trust you have in your partner.

The key is whether or not we discover innocent friendly exchanges, planning to meet secretly with cover ups and lies, or full blown affairs through this snooping.

 

I make it a rule not to check up on my partners personal stuff. It's none of my business.

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In what you've written, I see a major flaw in his character. In his previous marriage, he didn't reply to the inappropriate messages and yet didn't block her as a contact. A person with ethics who values his marriage and keeps healthy boundaries would have deleted her from his life. He kept that connection because the ego boost or excitement of it was more valuable to him than the integrity of his marriage. What was the reason his marriage broke up?

 

What can you do at this point? Discuss relationship boundaries with him now and see if you two can come to a consensus. This would include deleting contacts from someone outside of the marriage who makes it clear they have a crush on either of you. You'll have to explain the consequences of what will happen when boundaries are broken and stick to them. People usually respect a partner who has standards and doesn't act like a doormat.

 

Secrets have a way of coming out, usually so you can wake up and decide what to do about the problem.

 

Completely agree with this entire post especially the bold portion... took the words right out of my mouth.

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So you snooped and found......NOTHING. That's it. Period. The end.

 

Now you have to deal with yourself, your personal insecurities and face the fact that you did something completely inappropriate without any good reason, driven by your own lack of trust in your spouse and your marriage. Things to fix within yourself instead of trying to create imaginary justifications by claiming that he should wish her happy b-day only publicly or some other nonsense of your own creation. Sorry to be harsh, but if you continue down this rabbit hole, you'll just wreck your marriage. Time to address your personal insecurities and deal with them for good. This isn't on your husband, it's entirely on you.

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Why not get into marriage therapy and get some help with communication and trust. Have you been cheated on in the past? You sound excessively concerned about this. No he should not post on her page. However perhaps they are just friends, they knew each other before you met.

 

Relax and focus more on the overall issues in your marriage rather than random fb messages. There is zero significance to your wedding day and her birthday. Surely you had a say in the date, no?

we got married last year but what I didn't know was that our wedding was on her birthday. This year on our anniversary he sent her a private message telling her happy birthday.
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You only see the conversations he did not delete. And you are also only seeing the tip of his iceberg. This woman, whether old friend, old ex, was not a good person, and yet he never blocked her. He loves the perpetual ego stroke.

 

Been here (hubs PMing other women), done that (spied through messages to get documentation in case I want to divorce), got the T-shirt (once this happens, your radar is up).

 

You need to be brave, and tell him there is no place for this woman in your life together, and even if she is with someone else, she makes you uncomfortable, and he needs to block her. Your marriage comes first. Not some other woman's feelings. And yes, there are some crap women (and men) out there that thinks it's okay to do it, and instigate situations like this. Don't be afraid to put up a fight for your marriage.

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Even tho nothing "fishy" is going on, her contacting him to remind him her bday is on the OP's/his wedding anniversary is not appropriate. Him not saying anything to the OP about their contact says he doesn't trust his own wife...THAT'S the issue here. IMO if you have to keep it a secret, that means you shouldn't be doing it. He knows he shouldn't be in contact with her...that's why he PMs her and not post anything on her page...it's to hide it. IMO if you feel you have to monitor your spouse's messages/emails/social media, there is something very wrong with your relationship.

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OP so the issue is that he sent her a private birthday message instead of posting it publicly?

 

Even though there was nothing inappropriate said, just a bthday greeting. She is a friend since childhood that he spent time chatting on line w years ago.

 

If that's the case, what do you think it suggests ?

 

That he wants to cheat with her? Has secret feelings for her, what?

 

Can you clarify cause I'm having difficulty understanding exactly what your issue w it is.

 

To add, many folks don't have the block function, or can't be bothered blocking unless they're being harassed. I'm one of them.

 

He never responded back, which says a lot.

 

To suggest he enjoyed her attention for an ego stroke is a big assumption imo.

 

Not saying it's not correct, it may very well be, just don't have enough evidence that shows that to be the case, unless I missed something.

 

Jmo.

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I'm not sure what the problem is recognizing that this situation is wrong on many levels. When two people are married it suggests a commitment of some sort that should go beyond the bond of other relationships. I feel the need to explicitly describe that bond and the meaning of marriage and commitment here because I'm not sure if we're giving it the time of day.

 

Second, as Andrina pointed out, this same female friend has been a recurring theme throughout his previous marriage as well but yet her advances or solicitations were unwanted and ignored. If he expressed distaste or reluctance in communicating with her prior, why is he communicating with her now? This is a major inconsistency in his behaviour and a red flag. (see OP's post #6, page 1).

 

I really couldn't care less whether a couple is married or living together or long distance when it comes down to the bare bones. When there is any third party relationship of the opposite sex there should be questions and answers enough to satisfy both sides. The OP is NOT satisfied by any of the answers her husband gives her and she's had to find out about the messages on her own while dealing with her own shock that it's going on right under her nose. More specifically in the OP's first post, the woman even told him he was the "one that got away"! This is reminiscent of an old crush that is completely inappropriate considering he's not only been married once and she's been a problem in the FIRST marriage, but she's now a problem a second time in the SECOND marriage.

 

I think it's up to her husband to draw better boundaries and it's up to the OP to call a spade a spade and not be afraid of addressing issues of trust in the marriage. It may be that he's feeling unfulfilled in the marriage entirely and the OP and her husband might benefit from marriage or couples' counselling. None of the above is healthy and to me, there are a lot of red flags and signs that the marriage is on rocky ground.

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I'm the first person to say NO ex's!

 

I won't even get involved w a man who still keeps contact w an ex, unless they have kids.

 

But is she really an ex? She is a childhood friend, they never dated, only had some pseudo "relationship" on line years ago.

 

Honestly, if me, I would never go snooping in the first place, to me that's the issue to be concerned about, but if I found out my bf sent a simple happy birthday greeting to a close female childhood friend, I'd seriously let it go.

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But is she really an ex? She is a childhood friend, they never dated, only had some pseudo "relationship" on line years ago.

 

This, among other things, is kind of my hang up here.

 

In no place is she referred to as an ex, but as a high school friend who lives states away. Husband's "relationship" with her, prior to getting married, consisted of what? An uptick in FB messages that maybe got a little wistful while they were both single? Have these two even seen each other in 3D since they were teenagers? That last question being one I wouldn't mind OP shedding some light on.

 

Meanwhile, since becoming involved with and eventually married to OP, his messages have been appropriate, if unreported? They also sound pretty sporadic, not some extended emotional confessional that's been playing out behind digital closed doors. The biggest "transgression" here is wishing an old friend happy birthday via a PM instead of a wall post?

 

I'm sorry, but that seems like very little to be getting worked up about.

 

And I'm not saying all that to defend the husband, to tell OP that she's over-reacting, or to say the only problem in this marriage is OP's insecurity. It's just very hard for me to believe this is really even the issue here, but an "easier" issue to confront than the real one, which is that there is no trust inside a relationship in which communication has been replaced by snooping. Makes me wonder how much these two have played with the tension of jealousy, paranoia, and distrust instead of finding ways to access the deeper waters of open, honest communication where real trust is built, sustained, and, when needed, repaired. I mean, if OP was curious about whether he was still in touch why not just ask?

 

None of us, I don't think, have enough information to know how and when that dynamic formed, but I don't think it's as simple as the husband having porous boundaries with a female friend.

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This, among other things, is kind of my hang up here.

 

In no place is she referred to as an ex, but as a high school friend who lives states away. Husband's "relationship" with her, prior to getting married, consisted of what? An uptick in FB messages that maybe got a little wistful while they were both single? Have these two even seen each other in 3D since they were teenagers? That last question being one I wouldn't mind OP shedding some light on.

 

Disagree. The reason being she made a reference to him being the one that got away. That's incredibly disrespectful and inappropriate especially if we are considering that there is someone else in the picture who is uncomfortable about her presence in the first place.

 

I don't think it's as simple as the husband having porous boundaries with a female friend.

 

I think it is (extraordinarily simple). It's fairly simple too without deflecting the main point: they are married. This isn't a new relationship or a casual relationship the OP has just kindled with this man. It's her husband and this may be my own understanding of marriage influencing my opinion but that bond should come before any other relationships, least of all one with a high school friend of the opposite sex. It's (speaking about the "friendship" here) superficial, mindboggling, insulting and quite unnecessary in the big picture, again, considering that this OP and her husband have a life together and made a solid commitment to each other.

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I agree Rose, committed relationship/marriage bonds should come before all other relationships, excluding your children; however I didn’t read where OP posted that her husband was/is placing his friendship w this old high school friend before his marriage.

 

He sent her a birthday greeting on FB. Over the years, they’ve kept in touch sporadically, nothing inappropriate, they’re friends.

 

She is not his "ex" they never dated, their "relationship" consisted of some on line chats years ago while both single.

 

I dunno, perhaps it’s my more progressive liberal view on committed relationships and marriage, but I fail to see how maintaining a friendship with an old high school friend would be considered superficial, mind boggling and insulting.

 

Would you feel the same way if his old friend were male instead of female? Not judging if that's the case, just asking.

 

Anyway, we all have different views on things, you have yours, I have mine, everyone else has theirs.

Which is OKAY in my world.

 

Bottom line, OP does not trust her husband, their communication is extremely poor, there is a lack of emotional honesty that warrants addressing more than him sending an old HS friend an innocent bday greeting on FB.

 

JMO as always.

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