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Thread: Facebook Messages

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    In what you've written, I see a major flaw in his character. In his previous marriage, he didn't reply to the inappropriate messages and yet didn't block her as a contact. A person with ethics who values his marriage and keeps healthy boundaries would have deleted her from his life. He kept that connection because the ego boost or excitement of it was more valuable to him than the integrity of his marriage. What was the reason his marriage broke up?

    What can you do at this point? Discuss relationship boundaries with him now and see if you two can come to a consensus. This would include deleting contacts from someone outside of the marriage who makes it clear they have a crush on either of you. You'll have to explain the consequences of what will happen when boundaries are broken and stick to them. People usually respect a partner who has standards and doesn't act like a doormat.

    Secrets have a way of coming out, usually so you can wake up and decide what to do about the problem.
    Completely agree with this entire post especially the bold portion... took the words right out of my mouth.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So you snooped and found......NOTHING. That's it. Period. The end.

    Now you have to deal with yourself, your personal insecurities and face the fact that you did something completely inappropriate without any good reason, driven by your own lack of trust in your spouse and your marriage. Things to fix within yourself instead of trying to create imaginary justifications by claiming that he should wish her happy b-day only publicly or some other nonsense of your own creation. Sorry to be harsh, but if you continue down this rabbit hole, you'll just wreck your marriage. Time to address your personal insecurities and deal with them for good. This isn't on your husband, it's entirely on you.

  3. #13
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    They are friends. Chill out and deal with all of your insecurities!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why not get into marriage therapy and get some help with communication and trust. Have you been cheated on in the past? You sound excessively concerned about this. No he should not post on her page. However perhaps they are just friends, they knew each other before you met.

    Relax and focus more on the overall issues in your marriage rather than random fb messages. There is zero significance to your wedding day and her birthday. Surely you had a say in the date, no?
    Originally Posted by Heatwave
    we got married last year but what I didn't know was that our wedding was on her birthday. This year on our anniversary he sent her a private message telling her happy birthday.

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  6. #15
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Heatwave
    He was sign into Facebook on my phone and never logged out.
    Why was he signed into facebook on your phone? Does he not have a phone?

  7. #16
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    You only see the conversations he did not delete. And you are also only seeing the tip of his iceberg. This woman, whether old friend, old ex, was not a good person, and yet he never blocked her. He loves the perpetual ego stroke.

    Been here (hubs PMing other women), done that (spied through messages to get documentation in case I want to divorce), got the T-shirt (once this happens, your radar is up).

    You need to be brave, and tell him there is no place for this woman in your life together, and even if she is with someone else, she makes you uncomfortable, and he needs to block her. Your marriage comes first. Not some other woman's feelings. And yes, there are some crap women (and men) out there that thinks it's okay to do it, and instigate situations like this. Don't be afraid to put up a fight for your marriage.

  8. #17
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    ^
    I agree with the above, 100%.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Even tho nothing "fishy" is going on, her contacting him to remind him her bday is on the OP's/his wedding anniversary is not appropriate. Him not saying anything to the OP about their contact says he doesn't trust his own wife...THAT'S the issue here. IMO if you have to keep it a secret, that means you shouldn't be doing it. He knows he shouldn't be in contact with her...that's why he PMs her and not post anything on her page...it's to hide it. IMO if you feel you have to monitor your spouse's messages/emails/social media, there is something very wrong with your relationship.

  10. #19
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    OP so the issue is that he sent her a private birthday message instead of posting it publicly?

    Even though there was nothing inappropriate said, just a bthday greeting. She is a friend since childhood that he spent time chatting on line w years ago.

    If that's the case, what do you think it suggests ?

    That he wants to cheat with her? Has secret feelings for her, what?

    Can you clarify cause I'm having difficulty understanding exactly what your issue w it is.

    To add, many folks don't have the block function, or can't be bothered blocking unless they're being harassed. I'm one of them.

    He never responded back, which says a lot.

    To suggest he enjoyed her attention for an ego stroke is a big assumption imo.

    Not saying it's not correct, it may very well be, just don't have enough evidence that shows that to be the case, unless I missed something.

    Jmo.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-30-2019 at 03:54 PM.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what the problem is recognizing that this situation is wrong on many levels. When two people are married it suggests a commitment of some sort that should go beyond the bond of other relationships. I feel the need to explicitly describe that bond and the meaning of marriage and commitment here because I'm not sure if we're giving it the time of day.

    Second, as Andrina pointed out, this same female friend has been a recurring theme throughout his previous marriage as well but yet her advances or solicitations were unwanted and ignored. If he expressed distaste or reluctance in communicating with her prior, why is he communicating with her now? This is a major inconsistency in his behaviour and a red flag. (see OP's post #6, page 1).

    I really couldn't care less whether a couple is married or living together or long distance when it comes down to the bare bones. When there is any third party relationship of the opposite sex there should be questions and answers enough to satisfy both sides. The OP is NOT satisfied by any of the answers her husband gives her and she's had to find out about the messages on her own while dealing with her own shock that it's going on right under her nose. More specifically in the OP's first post, the woman even told him he was the "one that got away"! This is reminiscent of an old crush that is completely inappropriate considering he's not only been married once and she's been a problem in the FIRST marriage, but she's now a problem a second time in the SECOND marriage.

    I think it's up to her husband to draw better boundaries and it's up to the OP to call a spade a spade and not be afraid of addressing issues of trust in the marriage. It may be that he's feeling unfulfilled in the marriage entirely and the OP and her husband might benefit from marriage or couples' counselling. None of the above is healthy and to me, there are a lot of red flags and signs that the marriage is on rocky ground.

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