to send or not to send (break-up realisation)

Hi all, new to these forums so please be gentle! sorry for the long post!

I broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years about 7 months ago. When we first broke up, i didn't really process what went wrong and blamed the break up on incompatibility etc. Over the past month or so I've been processing what went wrong and realised she broke up with me because she could no longer trust I could handle the things that were difficult in the relationship and a lot of these difficulties were me second guessing her response and therefore not fully being open.

I reached out to her a couple of weeks ago and explained how I know i did her wrong and I wanted to see her but she didn't and so it was over text. She forgives me for everything but said that it is beyond repair. Since then, I have been in a bit of a dark place and have never really experienced how difficult this is or could be.

Now that I have processed what went wrong, I know i can see it in myself to put these changes into practice and if this was the reason why she broke up with me, i feel that it could work. We were still very much in love until the end of the relationship, no cheating or anything like that which makes it actually all the more harder.

I've written her a letter about all this in my own words and specifically said i have heard you and i have understood. I know that this is a bad idea and will only prolong the pain and so in the letter I say to her that if she remains feeling the same way, please do not reply.

This is my way of protecting myself because I know she doesn't want to be with me anymore and so she is free to not reply but there are things in the letter that i want her to know. I've also apologised if it causes any hurt or pain because that is really not my intention.

So, the question is to send, or not to send? Any help would be appreciated, thanks!

It's absolutely brilliant that you have been able to reflect and see the changes you needed to make but i would still stay no contact and move on. You can learn from this relationship and make your next one better for it. Sounds like she has moved on so i would leave things alone. I would not send as you already know this and state this yourself. Perhaps write the letter out then bin it without sending it. That way you can process what you have realized and that might help you as well but it doesnt cause her any uncomfort or distress.

She doesn’t want your apology.

And your apology is somewhat selfish.

You know that sending her something she doesn’t care for won’t be productive.

So why are you asking people should you send it or not?

She has not asked for clarification. Just be happy that you eventually got clarification for yourself.

And bring that to future relationships rather than dwelling on past ones .

She has told you that the relationship was 'beyond repair.' That sounds pretty final to me. As Billie said, she doesn't want your apology. She just wants you out of her life. Nothing you say or do will change her mind or make her want to give it another chance. Accept that and move on.

Thanks for your responses really. The letter is not apologizing, it's a recognition that I seriously messed up and now I've got things more together so the issues that drove us apart just wouldn't happen. Does that make sense or am I just clutching at straws?

I've also apologised if it causes any hurt or pain because that is really not my intention.

 

Whether it's an apology or an admission of past errors, it doesn't matter. She doesn't want the relationship anymore. Quit dwelling on it.

You're not clutching at straws, exactly, though I don't think that means sending the letter.

Because sending it is—and I know you don't want to hear this—a selfish and in ways disrespectful gesture. You've done some real thinking, reflecting, self-exploration—and that's great. That's real, valuable. It will serve you well in evolving into the best version of yourself and, down the line, an even better partner to another.

But sending it is essentially you asking for all that to be validated by her, to get her stamp of approval, and even the ultimate "reward"—to get her back. Totally understandable, totally human. But also misguided, especially when she has just told you that she is done, that it is "beyond repair." That is her truth, and you need to respect it. That's the true display of compassion here, the actual road toward evolution, while sending it is essentially talking over her.

It's hard, I know. I'm generally thrown into periods of deep reflection after breakups, and I'm prone to writing exes volumes of letters. But I never send them because I know there's no point—that its my own processing, something that can't be truly metabolized if its connected to the goal of changing another's feelings.

Think about it this way: your heart, spirt, and mind have written this letter. But it would be your ego that sends it, and our ego's are what we want to learn to acknowgdlge without reacting to. You will become a better man, and one day a better boyfriend, because of what you're going through now. Take solace in that: bittersweet now, truly sweet later.

I agree with Billie and SarahLancaster, short and to the point.

It's over, move on.

This was seven months ago but yet you're still finding the break up painful. In your best interests, I'd say you need more time to heal and distance yourself (more time to reflect) on the break up. Now is not the time to be making friends with her or checking in on her feelings. You're too vulnerable right now. If you were in a better headspace I'd say 'why not?' but I don't think this will help you right now. Put the letter aside for now and keep on track rebuilding your life and learning from your mistakes and meeting new people.

BAD IDEA. Write it but don't send it. Its dead and buried.

She knows how to reach you -- she told you the relationship was beyond repair. If there was an outside chance that she changed her mind - she would have reached out to you. She has not. Please let her last word be her final word. Further capitulating will create a deeper hole for you

While you might be able to figure out which behavior may have caused someone to lose feelings, that doesn't make such a recognition capable of restoring the feelings that are lost.

She's already told you that you're forgiven, but she has zero interest in a do-over. Attempting to influence her beyond that is disrespectful and a reason for her to withdraw forgiveness. Skip that. You're forgiven--keep it that way and use your hindsight to benefit you in your future relationships.

So, the question is to send, or not to send?

You say she broke it off.

You reached out (presume this was from no contact) to see if she was interested.

She told you she isn't.

Do NOT send that letter. Ritually burn it and spread the ashes on the garden.

Now that I have processed what went wrong, I know i can see it in myself to put these changes into practice

Then do that*. Do it for yourself. You don't need to prove anything to your ex or obtain her permission. For two reasons:

1. If she ever changes her mind (highly unlikely) she sees the new improved cregsy, which will be more attractive.

2. You will be a better relationship partner for the next lady.

[*If you have been doing no contact, you should also be hitting the gym, etc, anyway.]

Sorry to hear this. How did you come about this realization? Unfortunately you ran things by her already and she's not interested in reconciliation. Those "get your ex back" scam sites always recommend writing letters. Especially letters that explain how you are a better man, working on yourself, improved, had an epiphany, etc.

There is no point to the letter when you already have your answer. If anything it will look desperate and she will roll her eyes as she shows it to her friends and has a good laugh over it. Do Not Send It. Write it all out then make an appt with a therapist to sort things out and help yourself out of this 'dark place'.

I reached out to her a couple of weeks ago and explained how I know i did her wrong and I wanted to see her but she didn't and so it was over text. She forgives me for everything but said that it is beyond repair.

Did Cregsy ever come back?