No hope for friendship but i still feel the need to at least apologize

I did something unforgivable to a female friend of mine.that I work with I wrote her a goodbye letter (Well it was a good bye letter to things that happened in the past not our frienship (But as it turns out it was that also) I wanted her to know things like how I miss how our friendship was share a few memories,.apologize for overdoing it and ruining the friendship. Clear up any misunderstandings and promise to be a better friend but I was so paranoid that it would get lost in her message requests because I had overdone it that because it was important for me for her to see it I wrote it on her facebook wall (Where yes her friends could see it) Now I wrote nothing bad about her but when she saw it she blocked me and we do not speak at work. I know she will never forgive me. Today for the first time in a week she stood next to me I do not know if she wanted me to apologize but she since she blocked me I figure she does not want me to talk to her at all and I will respect her. But I do feel this need to apologize. I am thinking that maybe I should just let things stay as they are but maybe this friday which will be 2 weeks or next friiday I will do something like buy Dunkin Downuts for all my co workers BUT I will also buy a box just for her with her favorite and leave an apology card inside that says something like I am just spitballing here "I know that what I did was unforgiveable and buying you a stupid box of donuts is not going to change that and I know you never want to speak to me agaiin and I will respect your wishes BUT just apologizing to you is just not good enough I had to make some sort of gesture even one as pathetic as this to let you know how sorry I am. I love you and I wish you nothing but the best for you,

What happened that was unforgivable? If she blocked you is would be best to step way back and leave her alone. Perhaps in time she will come around. Never publicize your feelings on someone else's social media.

I did something unforgivable to a female friend of mine.

 

she since she blocked me

You did something unforgivable.

And then on top of that did worse. Made it public on her fb.

She doesn’t want your donuts.

What do you want? Forgiveness for something you said is unforgivable?

Whatever you did and that you self confess is unforgivable by her , is not unforgivable by you!

Forgive yourself! Buy yourself donuts if you think that helps ,but don’t expect anything from her. The more you try , the bigger the hole you dig for yourself.

Let it go! Your acceptance that you did wrong is all you need.

You don’t have to prove that to her or anyone else.

It’s probably not as monumental as you think it is is right now.

Take time out and stop trying to fix it!

An apology is “I’m sorry”. Not the 85 words you wrote out above (yes, I counted them).

If you want to apologize for being all wordy and blowing up her inbox - and then going all extra and writing on her wall publicly - the answer is to do the opposite. It’s NOT to apologize by being all wordy and going all extra publicly.

The opposite, IMO, is to talk to her in person (like when she was standing next to you), simply say “I’m sorry” and leave it at that. No explanations. No justifications. No “I know it’s not enough blah blah blah”. Just “I’m sorry” period - and let her talk (or not).

Just my opinion.

If you had something to say, you should’ve privately messaged her, not wrote it on her public facebook wall.

This isn't an apology. You are throwing a very selfish tantrum demanding her attention no matter what. Dude, you already went too far to the point where she had to block you. You blew up her in-box, but that wasn't good enough for you, so you deliberately posted publicly on her wall where you had no business to air your dirty laundry, but you didn't care so long as you get what you want. Now you want to continue to push that with her with yet another way to get her attention. STOP. Leave her alone before you get slapped with a harassment claim against you and get fired from your job. Nobody likes a drama queen, which is what you are being right now. If she decides to forgive you and renew the friendship, it will only be on her terms and only IF she can see that you've actually learned, matured and won't stomp all over her the way you are doing right now. Silence and respect is what you need to show, not demands for her attention poorly cloaked as "apologies".

Also, if you are going to say sorry, then just say "I'm sorry" and that's all. Lose all the wording like "stupid, pathetic, etc." That's not an apology, it's drama.

What did you say?

I do not understand your story? We do not know your situation and you need to explain things more clearly.

The method was odd, Mets. Now that it's done, just give her the space. You can't undo what's done and from the sounds of it you do realize where you went wrong posting on her social media page for third parties to see. It must have been very embarrassing for her in some way but you might have felt that others already were aware and you didn't mind making a public apology. I understand the intention and the scope. I just think that where the link was missed was in respecting her privacy and regardless of how much you wanted to apologize, what she thinks and feels matters also in the aftermath. You cannot force anyone to deal with anything after the fact and you cannot force someone to accept your apology no matter how bad you want them to.

I think you over-compensated and I wouldn't suggest apologizing anymore. I feel like you're upset and working through your anxiety about this friendship but that anxiety is blocking out a lot of basic common sense. You should know that as humans we all feel insecure and anxious at some point or another. There is nothing unusual about that. You shouldn't feel alone. I do feel like you are exhibiting very high anxiety regarding this relationship. I know what anxiety feels like. Out of curiosity, do you have a history of anxious thoughts when it comes to social interactions?

Well I am glad I came here and talked about it BEFORE I did something stupid instead of AFTER I did something stupid (Which is my norm) Yesterday at work she was standing next to me (which she usually does not) and part of me wanted to say that I was sorry and another part of me was saying that she does not want to hear a word from you and you need to respect that and that is what I went with because I got in this mess in the first place by overdoing it and over apologizing and explaining and I will probably just respect her wishes and never speak to her again so maybe it is best that I do not apologize to her unless she speaks to me someday

I think if I was just to walk up to her and say a simple I'm sorry and just keep on going would actually make things worse because I am not respecting her wish to be alone.I know that I am in this mess because I overdid it so I do believe the only possible way out if there is any is to just leave her alone. But then do I not just apologize Right now to be honest I do not trust my instincts at all.

To anwer aquestion Yes I do anxious in social settings sometimes

I posted it on her wall I think that was unforgivable

A friend told me this I think you are right, It is just so hard to do nothing when everything in you says to do something but something got me in trouble but maybe the best something I can do is nothing even if doing nothing makes it worse but then again how much worse can it get,

Yes But if she is next to me and I just blurt out I am sorry nothing more Aren't I just making things worse because I am not respecting her wish to be left alone (I mean blocking me means to me NEVER SPEAK TO ME)

I would do more reading into managing anxiety and learn more about yourself first. You're not handling your anxiety properly and allowing it to control your actions and reactions. This is going to spiral out of control often if it hasn't already. I think there are members here with a lot more experience than me in how to manage anxiety in general. I'd be interested in hearing their techniques and opinions. The techniques that I've used for myself are somewhat minor but effective such as recognizing those triggers and avoiding putting myself in situations that trigger a lot of worry. It also means learning to step back and let go of certain situations that are out of my hands. You can't control everything.

I was afraid that she would NEVER see it and that she was ignoring me and it was important that she see it that's why I made that really bad choice

I am glad I came here before I did something more stupid thank you all . This is what I am going to do (If I am wrong please let me know) I am NOT going to say a word to her, Nothing not an I am sorry (Because it just shows disrespect to her wish to be left alone and really what good is an I'm sorry as someone once said Sorry does not fix the lamp) If bye some chance she does speak to me someday then I will just say I am sorry and if there is anything that I can do to make amends I will say this but only if she comes to speak to me (If she just says hello IS that an opening to say I am sorry) The ONLY exception where I will speak to her first is if one of us leaves the job (I have been waiting on a transfer for year and a half) If that happens and I know I will not see her again then I will walk up to her and apologize, Please let me know if I am finally on the right track or not. Thank You

There is one emotion that I am feeling to some degree that I am very ashamed of and that I am doing my best to hide (Because I do not want to deflect from the fact that everything is my fault) But I just want to share it here to get it our. I am actually feeling a little bit of anger,and the reason is The only thing I ever wanted to do was uplift her spirits, encourage her and make her feel special and loved. No matter how emotional I got I made it clear I was never going to start something with her and the only love I could give her was that of a good friend. Last year I threw her a suprise birthday party because when another coworker did it for another co workers she mentioned that no one ever did that for her. I know it is all my fault, I just wish she would have talked to me and told me I was overdoing it and maybe well it does not matter I am responsible for my own actions

I do think that the only teeny tiny hope that someday she will talk to me again is because of the kindness (like throwing her a surprise birthday party) I showed her in the past. Maybe memories of the good times might soften her heart but I cannot allow myself to hope on that and accept the fact she is lost and I need to learn from it

You have told us nothing about what happened?

If you want to avoid potential harassment charges and to keep your job, don't put another word in writing.

Read my sig, and keep your distance from this woman before you have no choice in the matter.

I am not putting anything in writing Right now all I want to do is say I am sorry and offer to make amends but I know that saying anything to her even that might blow up in my face What I am going to do before I go on my next vacation is just do something nice for my fellow co workers and yes she is one of them but I will do nothing special for her and no apologies and I am thinking worst case scenario nothing changes but bye doing something nice for others I feel s little bit better about myself and I start to move on and of course the best case scenario is that her heart softens just enough so I can apologize Another reason I can’t say anything is in the letter I said that You can talk to me about anything if that is what u need from me as a friend but if you need space and time alone I will also be that type of friend so if she read it she knows that and if she did not well then she does not

Bye the way even if bye some miracle she does talk to me before then (Which bye the way is a week from friday I am STILL going to do that nice gesture for my fellow co workers, Why you may ask would I still do that if she gave opened the door for me to apologize before then BECAUSE that is only part of the reason I am doing that The first reason still would apply and I would feel better about myself knowing that I could bring a smile to all my co workers not just her anymore

Have you considered some therapy for the anxiety, ruminating and other problems surrounding lacking boundaries?

Well I did in the past and I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and when I get like that I get very nervous (Like when I apologized to the girl I could not stop my hand from shaking like a leaf (I tried to hide that) but the worst thing I do is I write too much of what I send it and when the person ignores me or just does not get what I am saying I overdo everything in an effort to get to fix things For the most part these things do not happen a lot. I mean I get along and actually have good relationships with my coworkers In this case however for whatever reason my guard was down and I caught feelings for this girl and I do not know why maybe because we had similiar mannerisms (like the way we move out of the way) that we both noticed and while I was NEVER going to start anything with her, I felt good when I could make her smile or when she came to me for help. Maybe I got high on the feeling I got from making her feel good (Even though things went bad I will never regret the smile I put on her face for her birthday) but at some point I overdid it and the way I foind out is that she restricted me on facebook (The funny thing and this is not her fault but if she had just told me I may not have gone into this tailspin) and when that happened I just broke out into tears (I was alone) because the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt this girl I really ONLY wanted to be a blessing in her life and the fact I made her feel that she had restricted me meant that I was no longer a blessing but a curse and I made a mess of things The more I think on this Yes I do want to say I am sorry and offer to make amends because what I did deserves at least that (But I also know that right now the ONLY thing I can do is respect her wish to be left alone) As for the friendship I know the friendship is dead BUT there is always that small part that hopes in time her heart softens and we can become friends BUT I do have this part of my brain that is telling me that even if someday she gives me a chance to be friends again maybe it is not an offer I should accept and just maybe it is just best for us not to be friends anymore. Maybe God put me in her llife last year to do what I did and maybe that is why everything went so well last year and this year maybe everything went sour because my time in her life was supposed to be done and I did not see it, I guess the best way to describe it is that last year she touched my heart and this year she broke my heart. The first one I handled well the second I did not.